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Jessie grabs both of my shoulders and shakes me. Despite being so slender, she’s incredibly strong. “This message is directly from your brother, from James. Do
not
do anything without someone from the Group contacting you first. Got it?”

I nod, then pull myself away. Jessie sniffs louder, then heads back to her bunk. I wrap my arms around my chest, trying to force more air in. I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe. Just like Brendan, I can’t breathe.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

You’re the captain of your soul. That’s what counts. Know what I mean?

—John Cheever

During Morning Walk
the next day I make a point of being near Holly. We soon walk past Marcus, who is sitting on a lawn chair next to one of his charges, eating pieces of licorice from a paper bag. I glance towards him and he slowly stands and heads in our direction. He walks for a little while with me and Holly, then holds out the paper bag to my interventionist. She lets out a soft giggle, then reaches into the bag and pulls out a licorice string. Marcus next holds the bag out to me. I put my hand in, dropping the tiny tape that’s in my fist into the bag and then pulling out a string of licorice, just like we’d planned. Marcus smiles blandly and then heads back to his lawn chair. I take a bite of the licorice, which tastes like dirt in my mouth. I force myself to swallow the chewed candy, my throat already clogged with tears.
Does Marcus know about Brendan yet? And if he does, how can he act so normal
? I force myself to take another big bite of licorice, grinning at Holly like a moronic child when she looks towards me.
And Noah said I couldn’t be a good actress
!

Later, after lunch, I tell Holly I have stomach cramps.

“Do you need to go to the Nursing Station?”

“No, they’re not that bad. I think it was the sugar this morning.” I hold my middle with both arms. “Maybe if I lie down they’ll go away?”

Holly looks at me and nods. “I should have known better than to let you have the licorice,” she says. “Why don’t you skip Chores for today and go take a nap. I’ll come check on you in about half an hour, all right?”

“Okay,” I say, then head down the hall.

When I get to the dorm room I rush over to my bed and lie face down against my pillow, my stomach in knots. I wasn’t lying about the cramps, just about its cause. Knowing I’m alone, knowing my cries will be muffled, I finally let out my tears and all I’m feeling about Brendan into my pillow.
How could anyone kill him? He was just a kid! How could anyone actually go through with something so horrible? What kind of world are we living in? What if we can’t make things stop
? By the time Holly enters the room to check on me, I’m all cried out. My cramps are gone, to be replaced by a throbbing headache, but it’s the least of my worries. I sit up when she comes to me and quickly follow her out of the room. I tell myself that this cry was my last. With the way things are going, there will be no more time for tears. Just like the others in the Group, I’ve got to keep my focus on where it should be, on helping to get whomever I can to stop The Association before it’s too late.

gh

That night in bed, I come up with a plan. Now that I know what’s happening at Harmony, I can’t just sit still and wait for the next go-ahead from some member of the Group. I could stay in Intermediate for months, even years. And what if Holly decides to stop listening to handsome Marcus and to increase my injection dosage again? I’ve finally gotten my brain working normally. I can’t count on it staying that way for too much longer, if any more of that stupid medication is involved. While I realize James might never forgive me for what I want to do, I know in my gut my plan is the only way I can truly help the Group. I’d rather risk having James angry at me than risk having The Association put in place all the changes it has threatened to make.

When I know for certain what I’m going to do I approach Marcus again. Getting him on my side is essential for my plan to work. I don’t dare speak to Jessie, as I already know what she’ll say. It takes another two weeks before I have a chance to speak to Marcus without risking being seen by others or getting interrupted by another interventionist. When I finally get him to myself, I explain my plan all in one breath, ignoring the repeated shaking of his head.

“It’ll work, Marcus, it’ll work! I’ve got to do it!”

“Too risky,” he whispers, looking up and down the hallway. “I can’t let you do this.”

“But if I don’t get out and at least try to get in touch with Dr. Kaufman, more kids will get Ended! You heard the tape, you know I’m not lying. Look what they did to Brendan!” I take in another breath. “Dr. Kaufman needs to know there’s a Group of us out there ready to fight for what’s right! She needs to know!”

“Kid, that’s what I’m afraid of. If they Ended Brendan so easily, and if your father believes they already Ended your brother, what’s stopping him from giving consent for them to End you, too?” Marcus’s face looks fierce, different from anything I’ve ever seen from him before.

“But Marcus—”

“No can do.”

“But I’m not tall enough to get over the barbed wire by myself! I need you to push me over and then to distract the guards if they notice you. You’re on night shift, so it’ll be perfect. If they see you, just tell them you were feeling sick and needed some fresh air or something. You’ll come up with an excuse for them, I know you will. Please, Marcus, please!”

“If I thought it would work, I’d do it in a heartbeat. But it won’t and I just can’t.” Marcus looks at me. “You need to sit tight and wait. If you do, I’m sure we can get even more information, and it’s information that’s our main weapon against The Association. If you rush things, you put a lot of people in jeopardy. Is your plan worth that?”

“We can’t wait! They’re making changes too quickly now! After years of just having a tall fence, they’ve set up barbed wire here plus two armed guards. It took them a week to make it happen. Just a week! I heard the guards came from the Elite Academy. Do you really think Dr. Guthrie and people like my dad are going to now move slowly enough for me to just sit tight and wait?”

“And what if one of those Elite Academy soldiers spots you, hmmm? Did you not learn anything from your time at ISTJ? This isn’t some security guard you’ll be dealing with Sophie. These are former ISTJ students, who value order and conformity above all else. And what about the ISTPers? Do you know how fearless than can be? Nothing would enrage one of those guards more than seeing you breaking the rules by trying to escape.”

“And right now they only have tranquilizer guns! You heard the tape! But what if in a few more weeks, after everyone is used to the guards, people like Dr. Guthrie decide that having real guns is the way to go? And maybe instead of just two, he’ll have twenty? What will the kids with real problems who are here just waiting to get Ended do then?”

Marcus sighs. “Don’t let Dr. Guthrie and his cronies from that meeting fool you. A kid like you who wants to actually expose The Association is way more of a threat to them than any kid with Autism or Down Syndrome could ever be. If you get caught this time trying to escape, it’s not just going to be another round in Intermediate.”

I stare at my friend, understanding what he’s saying, but knowing that the time for waiting has passed. I debate whether I should say what I’m about to say, then realize that I have no choice.
Marcus, please forgive me
. “If you don’t help me, then I’m going to tell everyone how you helped me sneak into the Progress Meeting and spy on all the Psychologists. They’ll know I’m telling the truth when I say what happened in the meeting. And I’ll also tell them how you helped James escape.”

I watch as Marcus’s face pales. “You wouldn’t dare,” he whispers.

I stand up straighter and try to ignore my shaking. “I don’t want to have to tell, but I will tell. I’ll do whatever it takes to get out of here and save the other kids.”

“You’d betray me after all I did for you? After all I did for your brother?” His eyes become even darker than they are naturally, ovals of pure black.

“I’m sorry, but I have to do this. So, are you going to help me or not?”

Marcus turns away from me, as if I don’t really exist anymore. “What choice do I have?”

“Good,” I say. “Tonight’s the night then, okay?”

“Fine.”

“Good.” I stand still for a second, before reaching over to touch Marcus’s arm. It feels like solid muscle. “Marcus? Please try to understand. I’m not doing this for me, as some stupid, childish thing. I’m doing this for everyone.”

He shrugs me off. “Just go. Please just go.” For the first time I notice a slight lilt to Marcus’s voice that’s hidden within his British accent, a forgotten keepsake from his parents’ homeland.

“Okay. But you’ll meet me by the back right corner of the fence at midnight, okay? And please bring pliers.” I point to the silver necklace around my neck.

“Just go,” he repeats, staring off into the distance.

I nod, then walk back down the hall, my heart racing in my chest.
I had to do it. I had to do it.

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

It isn’t enough to tell us what a man did. You’ve got to tell us who he was.

—Herman J. Mankiewicz

By Lights Out,
the weather outside has shifted from a humid summer’s night to a full-fledged thunderstorm. I can hear the winds blowing against the one window in the dorm room, the branches of a nearby tree banging against the thick glass.

“I almost feel sorry for those stupid guards they’ve put out there,” one girl whispers. “Having to walk around all night in this.”

“Serves them right,” whispers another. “I heard that they’re trigger-happy and have already shot a few animals they thought were kids.” She snorts. “Can you imagine some poor little squirrel getting all juiced up with tranquilizers?”

“Shhhh,” comes another voice. “Do you want the monitor to come in here and up all our meds?”

Quickly the room quiets down. I lay there on my back counting out the minutes. It’s too dark to look at my watch; it’s a little kid’s watch James bought me on my ninth birthday. At the thought of James, my stomach twists. Will he ever forgive me for what I’m about to do? Will any of them?

When the whole dorm room is quiet except for the sound of snoring and the occasional cough, I carefully get out of my bunk and slightly knock on the locked door.

“Yes?” comes a bored voice.

“May I please use the washroom, Ma’am?”

“Can this not wait until morning?”

“I’m having bowel issues again,” I say.

“Is this Toilet Girl?” the voice asks.

I grimace, knowing all the monitors have started calling me that and hating it each time I hear it. “It’s Sophie,” I say.

I hear the woman sigh, then the sound of a key being put into a lock, followed by the door opening just an inch. “Are you sure it’s urgent?” she asks.

“I’m positive!” I start hopping up and down, while clutching my stomach. “And can I please have the plunger, just in case?”

The monitor raises her eyebrow.

“I needed it yesterday. I almost made the toilet overflow!”

The monitor sighs. “Give me a minute,” she says. She heads to the supply closet across from the dorm room, unlocks it, then pulls something out.

“Here,” she says, handing me the plunger. “I need to stay at my post. Do you want me to call someone to go with you?”

“Oh no,” I shake my head violently. “I can go by myself.”

“You’ve got five minutes and counting. If you and the plunger aren’t back by then, you’ll be in trouble, so hurry it up already.” She sits back down on her chair, picking up a magazine from a stack on the floor.

“I will! Thanks!” I rush down the hall, still clutching at my middle and head into the girls’ washroom.

I go into the corner stall and stand on top of the toilet seat, just like I’ve done for a few nights now. Still holding onto the plunger, I manage to pull myself up to the ledge of the stall, until I can see out of the bottom of the window. During Morning Walk I’ve noticed that the two guards walk about twenty minutes apart from each other. That means once I’ve seen one guard pass by the window, I should have enough time to race across the lawn, reach the corner of the fence, and be hoisted over before the next one sees me. Far from the perfect plan, but I can’t think of a better one and I’ve got to warn the others.

Just like it was the last few nights, the window is open a crack, to let in a bit of air. For the first time since being here I’m relieved The Association is too cheap to provide air conditioning for anyone at Harmony but the Psychologists themselves. Knowing time is running out, I stick the wooden handle of the plunger into the crack in the window and push.
Nothing
. I try again, this time standing on my toes in order to use my shoulder for leverage. With all my might I push at the ancient window until it slowly, oh-so-slowly, begins to push open. A bit more, then a bit more. Not enough for an adult to climb out of, perhaps, but certainly enough for a skinny little girl to escape through. Never have I felt more grateful for being so small in my life!

I squeeze my body through the thin opening and then jump down onto the lawn. It’s about an eight foot drop and I feel a sharp pain in my left ankle as I land.
You can do this, you can do this
. I lie down flat on the grass against the wall, my thin pajamas already soaked through. I scan the lawn for the guards and from the shadows watch as one passes by the fence. As soon as he turns a corner, I make a run for it, ignoring the stabbing in my ankle with each step. Within a few minutes I’ve made it to the back right corner of the fence. Where I’m standing is all in shadow, with the driving rain making it even harder to see. I look around for Marcus, but don’t see him.
Oh no
. I wait for about two more minutes but realize time is running out. I need to at least try to climb up the fence by myself. Using all of my strength, I start to climb up the original fence. This part if pretty easy; it’s the barbed wire I’m dreading. Just as I’m about to reach the top, I freeze. I can’t do it. I just can’t put my hands and my body on all that jagged wire. I stay half-way up, just hanging there.
You are just a little girl, after all
.