Un-Break my Heart: Book 2 (The Heart Trilogy) (2 page)

Chapter 3

Watchin
g
Charlott
e
leave on the back of Mitch’s bike the following morning I headed into the house to get back into the usual routine. Listening to Paul on the morning show I realised that I was waiting for my secret admirer request and now I knew who it was I was disappointed. James had told me he was off work today so I grabbed my phone and typed in a text to Paul at the station.

“Morning Paul, can you play “Father Figure” for James, fro
m
Steph”

“So the sort of blind date went well then” Paul replie
d
“
Fill me in when you get in later” he finished. Then I quickly sent a text to James.

“Hope your radio is on x”

Listening to the familiar strains of a song I knew so well, I floated around the kitchen as the romance of the situation carried me away from the worries trying to tie me down. I knew that I had to exorcise the ghost of my husband Mark and I realised that I needed to go back to the place where it all happened. Perhaps tomorrow, once I had spoken to Sarah I thought as I started to gather my things ready for work. Suddenly another song stopped me in my tracks as I turned the radio up and listened to “Take my Breath away” I knew it was from James. A text message popped up.

“For you, because you do x”

As the song ended I headed upstairs to finish getting ready for work. The lyrics filled my head for the rest of my drive into work.

Pushing open the door of the studio office I spotted a bouquet of flowers on my desk. It was the pink roses from Saturday night. Smiling I moved them aside and motioned at Paul in the studio that I would make us both a coffee.

As the news played between our swap over we had time for a quick chat.

“You’re looking lovely” Paul said “Must be the look of love”

“I hope so” I replied “What a fantastic event it was, everything ran smoothly and a good time was had by all”

“Yeah, I think we should do another one next year, perhaps you can find me a blind date” he said, grinning as I headed into the studio.

“Finding someone to put up with you, now that will be a tough job I’d better put an appeal out now” I joked.

After my show and some quick shopping I headed home so that I could either charge the kettle up or find the wine glasses. Sarah found me in the kitchen in front of my laptop.

“Hey Steph” she said, spotting the various vases filled with the pink roses. Their scent seemed to permeate the house and instantly put a smile on my face.

“Wine or tea” I asked.

“Wine after the day I’ve just had” she said, slipping her shoes off and heading for the fridge to get the bottle as I grabbed the glasses. We headed into the conservatory and sat down; the white wine frosted the glasses with its cold kiss.

“So how’s the library world” I asked, concerned by the signs of worry and fatigue on Sarah’s normally cheerful face.

“Short staffed so I have been running around like a headless chicken all day and then to cap it all they’re thinking of reducing the opening hours at most of the branches before the proper consultation has even finished” she said.

“Shit, it sounds bad” I said, reaching to give her hand a squeeze.

“But enough about my work how did things go with James, did you” she asked.

“Of course not, he slept in the spare room” I replied, giggling at her innuendo

“I’m not the sort of girl who sleeps with a guy on the first date”

“But James is not just any guy” she said.

“But to be honest with you I’m shit scared about the whole sex thing, I haven’t done it in such a long time” I said, frankly.

“Fuck, I’d forgotten you haven’t been out with anyone since Mark died” she said, her turn to look concerned.

Pausing I took a sip of the wine.

“It will be fine, you still look good, perhaps we should go and have a pamper afternoon on Thursday. You know get some things waxed and buffed ready for the weekend” she said.

“That’s a great idea. I’m supposed to be meeting him at a hotel somewhere between our two houses on Friday afternoon. You know neutral territory so we can talk without Charlie, Mitchell and his other son Darren being around” I said.

“How romantic” Sarah sighed.

“You mean how scary” I replied “What if when I get naked he doesn’t fancy me anymore. Shit I need new underwear too”

Sarah laughed at me.

“So how easy will it be for you to either get the day off on Thursday or change a shift. I can see we need a shopping trip” she grinned.

“You’re on” I replied “I’ll speak to Paul and see if I can do the breakfast show instead”

“Great, I can head up on the bus and meet you for coffee before we hit the town. I’ll get us booked into the health spa” Sarah finished, her enthusiasm infectious.

“Ann Summer’s here we come” I laughed. A sudden flashback crossed my mind as I remembered a day spent shopping, a long time ago.

“Chris won’t mind me taking up a day of your precious time” I said.

“He won’t have too, a friend in crisis needs a friend” she said “Anyway, if I tell him where we are going he won’t complain too much” she finished, arching her eyebrows.

I refilled the glasses and spotted my phone had a message on it so I checked.

“Hi Steph, have you seen your emails yet, I’ve sent you a link for a hotel and wanted to check it was ok before I booked x”

“I’ll do it in a bit, Sarah’s here” I replied.

“So that’s why my ears are burning, give me a call later when you can”

“Ok x” I finished, turning back to Sarah.

“He’s sent me an email with the hotel link on it, shall we have a look” I said, as I located my tablet pc and fired it up.

I was stunned to see the fabulous location of this grand hotel, the photographs of the rooms looked fabulous and it also had a gym, spa suite and swimming pool. It was beautiful and I felt my heart soften again, melting me back to the pure romance of love.

“He loves you alright, no doubt, you have nothing to worry about” she whispered, in awe of the images that scrolled across the screen. I couldn’t speak; it would be like our first night together all over again. The images of that other hotel room crowded in alongside the ones on the screen, filling my mind with memories and my heart with hope and desire. Eventually Sarah stood up and turned to hug me.

“I’d better get going otherwise Chris will send the search parties out for me” she said, pulling me into her arms.

“Sure, give him a kiss for me” I replied as she headed home.

The house was silent apart from the music from the stereo in the lounge. Changing it from the radio to George Michael I refilled my glass with the remains of the wine and curled up in the armchair, phone in hand. Tapping in the number I waited for James to answer, I couldn’t wait to hear his voice again. It was Mitchell who answered, and after a quick chat to make sure Charlie was ok he passed the phone to his Dad.

“Hi Steph, how are you” he said, just the sound of his voice made my body start to tingle with desire.

“Hi James, fine thanks and yes the hotel looks fantastic” I replied, holding the phone just a tiny bit tighter.

“Great I’ll get it booked for Friday and Saturday night then” James said “What time are you able to get away”

“I’ve booked the day off so anytime” I replied.

“Great, so have I so shall we say noon and we can have lunch together”

“Lovely” I breathed, as I wondered if he could detect the tremor in my voice. Partly from desire and partly fuelled by fear of how quickly things were moving.

“Well, my place is far from quiet” James said “Although they have spent most of the day in the studio dancing, or at least I’m guessing that’s what Charlie and Mitch have been doing in there” he said, laughing softly.

“We were young once so I’m sure we’ve got a pretty good idea what’s going on” I replied.

“Yes I vaguely recollect the time we spent in your garage” he laughed. I blushed as I remembered it too, such happy memories. We chatted for a little longer before the conversation finished.

“I’ll give you a call tomorrow night” James said.

“That’ll be fine” I replied “Goodnight”

“Goodnight Steph, I’ll be looking at the stars later”

“Me too”

Chapter 4

Just before I went to bed I took a moment to look out onto the moonlit night. As it was cloudy there were very few stars shining, but occasionally one would come into view and I wished upon it. I wished for my life to be as happy as it once was now that I was back together with James. In my dreams I found him there, standing on the beach with me as I traced two hearts onto the sand, the same ones that had previously been washed away.

In the morning I decided to have a clear up in Charlie’s room while she was away. As I cleared up the clothes scattered beside the bed I noticed the edge of my pink photo album pushed under there. Sitting down on the bed I started to leaf through the pages. Laughing at the pictures of me and Sarah at school until the final page showed me the measure of my love for James in 1988. Taking it downstairs with me I held it up next to my wedding photograph and I could really see the difference in my eyes, the sparkle had gone.

Finding my mobile phone I dialled Jack and as I waited poured a coffee.

“Hi Steph, how are you babe” he asked.

“Fine thanks Jack, I think I need your help with something” I replied. In my mind I still wasn’t sure if this was the right thing to do, but I had to try. I needed to find the old me as soon as possible.

“I need to come to the hospital to remove some ghosts, well one ghost from my past” I said “I’ve not been back since that night” I finished, my voice trailing off.

“Ok Steph, I can help” he said.

“How about this afternoon, we can go for a drink afterwards and I can tell you about the guy I met on Saturday night and you can tell me all about you and James” Jack said.

“Thanks Jack, can you meet me outside the Love Shack studio’s at around two then” I replied, suddenly wondering if this was a good idea after all.

“No probs catch you later I can’t keep my fans waiting” he joked.

“See you later Jack” I finished, hanging up and taking a deep breath.

In front of me I looked again at the photograph of the two of us looking so happy and so in love, that’s where I wanted to be again. I didn’t want to continue to be haunted by my past, even though some of it would live with me forever. One step at a time I told myself as I hurried upstairs to gather my things for work. Pausing in the bathroom I grabbed one of my pills, just in case the darkness decided to hit me like it did sometimes. In the car I chose A-Ha and sang along to all their wonderful classic songs.

Just before I finished at two I spotted Jack heading through the office door and I waved as he chatted to Ian. Once I’d wrapped everything up I grabbed my bag and linking my arm through Jack’s we headed through the centre of town.

“So where do you want to go, just into the hospital in general or the car park or both” Jack asked.

“All of them I think, I’m not really sure what I need to do, but as I haven’t been back here since that day I really need to now so I can start to move on” I said. As we reached the road down to the hospital car park I stopped suddenly. A cold shiver crept up my spine and closing my eyes I remembered the sick feeling I’d had when I arrived here in the police car.

Jack put his arm around me and waited patiently and for a change silently.

“Christ, I don’t know if I can do this” I whispered. I started to rub one of the scars on my wrist; it was a habit I picked up whenever I felt nervous or anxious about anything.

“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want too” Jack said, pulling me into a hug “We can try again another day”

The tears were already seeping out from under my lashes, splashing down my cheeks as I tried to find a hankie.

“Here have mine” Jack said, pushing it into my hand and making my tears flow even faster. In my mind Jack had changed into Mark on the day that he found me lost and alone in the corridor, the day after the letter had arrived and shattered my dreams for the future. It was all so tangled up and I knew that I needed to remove these knots to move on.

Leading me back up the pavement we went into the nearest pub and found a quiet table in the corner. Jack headed to the bar and came back with two tall rum and cokes. He pushed the one across to me but I couldn’t hold it until I stopped shaking. Taking a long sip I waited for the alcohol to take effect and my tears to finish flowing.

“Sorry, I thought I was ready to do that, but there are so many memories at that place, not just Mark but also my suicide attempt too” I stammered.

“I know, and you will get there. Perhaps you need to do this with someone closer to you than me, maybe with Charlie” Jack said “Maybe with James”

“I don’t know what’s for the best. I just know that I feel really guilty about my whole relationship with Mark. I never really loved him, I used him as I knew he loved me and that I wouldn’t have to be alone again” I said, taking another long sip of the drink.

“He knew my past, my scars and it was just easier than facing the future alone. A future that I considered too bleak to even contemplate” I continued.

“Perhaps you need to talk to a professional about all this, you know a counsellor” Jack suggested, reaching out to place his hand over mine.

Looking up into his kind eyes, he reminded me so much of Mark and perhaps if he hadn’t been gay it would have been his life I mucked up.

“I’ll give that some thought” I said, seriously considering his suggestion.

“I can’t bear to see you upset especially after seeing how happy you looked on Saturday with James by your side” Jack said, lightening the mood instantly.

“So when did you meet this new man of yours then, as when I left you were drinking with the guys by the bus” I said.

“We headed to the pub, Charlie and Mitchell were there dancing. I was standing at the bar and this gorgeous guy bought me a drink and we got talking and I went home with him” Jack said “He’s called Jeremy, I’m seeing him again tonight”

“You’re such a tart” I said, laughing as I knew how many times I had heard all this before.

“I think he might be the one” he exclaimed, dramatically.

“So what’s happening with you and James then” Jack asked, after he had floated down off his cloud of lust.

“Well, it’s early days but we’re off to a hotel this weekend so that we can spend some time together without the rest of the family around” I said.

“Sounds exciting”

“Sounds nerve-racking to me” I said.

“You mean you haven’t been using the rabbit I bought you when you turned thirty” Jack exclaimed.

“Well, yes occasionally but it’s not really the same as the real thing” I said, grinning.

“Fuck yes the real thing is miles better…don’t worry you’ll be fine it’s just like riding a bike…you never forget” Jack said.

As I had to drive home another drink was out of the question so I said goodbye to Jack and he walked me back to the car.

“For goodness sake get back on that bike and ride. Start to live life again” he chided, kissing me on both cheeks.

“I’ll try Jack, I really will” I replied. He waved me off as I started the drive back to my empty house.

Getting home I was once again faced with the picture of Mark on the wall. I really did need to get rid of my guilt and perhaps Jack was right. In the lounge I grabbed my phone and sent James a text.

“I’m home so feel free to call anytime x”

“Can you wait until ten I’m still at work at the moment, shift overran x”

“Ok” I replied. Later when the phone rang I was already happily curled up in my favourite chair in the conservatory.

“Hi Steph, have you had a good day” James asked.

“Yeah, not bad” I replied. He must have heard the slight catch in my voice as I thought about my failure from earlier.

“Anything I can help with”

“Maybe, but it’s probably better we talk about it face to face at the weekend” “Oh” he replied, as the tone in his voice took on a tinge of worry.

“It’s ok, it’s me not you or us” I said.

“Glad to hear that, I was starting to get worried for a moment”

Rocking to and fro in my chair I enjoyed the light hearted conversation we easily fell into, just like old times really. I talked about work and thanked James again for the lovely roses, James told me about the fire he’d been at earlier that day. I loved hearing his voice, including me in his life again. I hoped that this weekend would be just what I needed to calm my insecurities. After we rang off I headed upstairs to my wardrobe and flung it open.

I paused to look through all the hangers, pulling a few out and placing them on the bed. Casual clothes I was fine with as I had plenty of jeans, shirts and t-shirts to choose from, but as for evening dresses that was a different matter. I spotted the black dress I had worn i
n
Londo
n
but apart from that my cupboard was bare. Kneeling down next to the chest of drawers I pulled open the one containing my underwear. It was all pretty standard stuff in black and white, apart from a rather daring red baby doll that Mark had bought me the year before Charlie was born. I knew that I wouldn’t feel right wearing that for James, but what should I wear? In the bottom corner I found my rabbit that Jack had reminded me about. I pressed the button and it came to life even though I hadn’t used it for the last couple of years. Leaving it out I gathered the red baby doll up and took it downstairs to the bin. Mark watched me from his place on the wall.

In bed later I ran my fingers lightly down over my body, rediscovering the feel of my own skin. Closing my eyes I imagined that it was James and recalled all the times we had been together. I had left the rabbit on the bedside table so I reached across and turned it on and tried to ignore the noise of it as I ran it down over my nipples first. Then reaching lower I found my spot and after dancing around it for a bit I soon experienced my first orgasm in a long time. Turning the toy off I relaxed in the darkness, knowing that at least my body still knew how to if that’s the way things went at the weekend. Grabbing my phone I typed a quick text to James.

“Goodnight James, looking forward to seeing you at the weekend”

“Night Steph, me too”