Uncertainty (11 page)

Alex had made himself busy balancing a stack of wheat crackers and expensive cheese squares on his palm. He'd already sampled most of the buffet table.

"Why don't you just plant your face down there and Hoover the tablecloth?" Theo asked, but there was fondness in her voice.

I realized how much I had missed her. Jenna was, well, Jenna, but being with Theo made me feel very at ease, and I'd missed her humor.

Alex straightened, cracker crumbs in his blonde stubble. "It all looks good. I haven't eaten since breakfast."

"You're fine. I'm starving, myself. But I have a nervous stomach," Theo said. She turned to the table crammed with buffet food that Hugh had commissioned. "I am so eating every single one of you when this is over. Except the fish eggs. I can do without those."

She slid a crystal bowl brimming with caviar to the back.

"What, no umbrellas in the drinks?" Alex said, pouring a cup of pop. "I thought this was a high class joint."

"Sorry it's not up to your culinary standards," I said.

Hugh made his way over to our trio, dressed up in a suit and looking more relaxed than he had in a while. Theo jumped a little when he tapped her shoulder. "Are you ready? Your audience awaits."

Theo gulped and nodded. Taking a swig of her Sprite as though it were spirits, she followed him into the next room. Alex put down his plate, full of half-nibbled hors d'ouevres, and he and I followed behind them.

The formerly empty space at the end wall had been replaced by a huge, blue crushed velvet rectangle, behind which Theo's work was hidden. She had insisted on the curtain for dramatic effect. Concealing her blood, tears and missed meals.

People I didn't recognize filled the room: hipster types with carefully manicured beards and condescending looks, to grandmother types that looked like they might break out the cookie baking.

The waves of her anxiety reached out across the room, like a hand.

"She hasn't eaten in days," Alex suddenly said, whispering to me. "She's so focused, like her whole world balances on this mural. I used to think she didn't care what other people thought, but this one thing...man, it's eating her up."

He seemed so genuinely concerned that I was taken aback.

"I knew that she was sequestering herself but I didn't realize she wasn't eating," I whispered back, watching Theo and Hugh continue towards the blue rectangle and feeling like a very bad friend. For the first time, I noticed how gaunt her cheeks were.

Ms. Vore was standing a few yards away, chatting with two other women who were bobbing their heads politely at her rapid speech. She waved at Alex and me, a blushing excitement on her cheeks.

"That's my daughter right there," she said, pointing at Theo, who either didn't see her or had perfected ignoring her. I had to ask her what her technique was for the latter.

"Yeah, she hasn't been sleeping well, either," Alex said, continuing our conversation. "She's putting all of this pressure on herself. Do you think she'll be all right?"

"As long as they don't hate it and throw carrot sticks." You never could tell in the art world, since everybody was a critic. I sent up a silent prayer on Theo's behalf.

"Can you talk to her maybe, after? She listens to you. Even if it goes badly, I want her to know that she's better than that."

"Do you even know what the mural's about or what it looked like?" I asked.

Alex shook his head vigorously. "She won't tell me. Won't show me a thing. Do you?"

"No."

Hugh cleared his throat, and everyone quieted down. Over thirty people had gathered in the oblong room, an impressive turnout. I realized wistfully that I didn't see anything on the walls that Hugh himself had painted, even though there used to be a few things. His Hellscapes at home had remained unfinished.

"Break...uh...your hands!" Alex stage-whispered across to Theo, giving her a thumbs up. It earned him some confused looks from those around us, but Theo smiled genuinely for the first time that night.

He was really growing on me. Maybe not warm cozy winters by the fire growing, but still...

"Hi, everyone, thank you for coming out tonight," Hugh said warmly. I wondered where this person, my dad, not the one who wore cargo shorts and made weird phone calls, had been for the last few weeks. "I've always believed in the importance of supporting young, local talent. Sometimes, someone comes along who is truly special."

Theo was quivering with stage fright. I crossed the fingers on both of my hands into pretzels, praying that Theo's mysterious masterpiece would be well-received as Hugh talked her up a little more.

"Without further ado," Hugh said with his charmer grin, then bowed out, leaving Theo by herself. Her nervous face reminded me of my last piano recital, when I flubbed half of the notes in the chorus from my eagerness.

A smattering of polite applause cut off to silence. Someone cleared their throat. In an uneven, breathy voice, Theo began to speak.

"I was influenced...by events that have happened to the people closest to me. I wanted to capture the mix of emotions. It's called I Don't Know What to Feel. Mostly 'cause I couldn't think of a better title."

A few people laughed politely. Theo looked and Hugh, who gave her a reassuring nod.

She stepped back and tugged at the blue cloth, which after some struggle, fell away to the floor. Everyone was silent. I think all three of us — Theo, Alex, and I — held our breath. I wondered if he'd have to run up and catch her.

The top half of the mural was in blue tones, some as deep as the bottom of the ocean, some as pale as a hot sky. There was a crowd of faces there, but all of them looked angry, like they were fighting each other. A sharp contrast to the peaceful shade.

The bottom half was one person, in the fetal position in the corner of a room. He looked like he was crying. But the colors on that half were angry red and orange, and it was done in slashing, harsh strokes.

"The composition is very solid," said one woman, adjusting her glasses. "It's an amazing contrast."

"You have a fantastic eye for colors. The red and orange are so vibrant," said a man with half his head shaved.

We all let out a breath of relief at the same time, as people started asking her questions. A wide smile spread from cheek to cheek on Theo's face. It was as if the whole room had sprung up with flowers.

CHAPTER 9

"NOW WE REALLY are going to celebrate," Theo said later, after most of the onlookers had departed. Theo had even sold two of her older sketches, and everyone had been extremely positive about her work, asking her about her upcoming projects. "We're going to have an arcade party or something."

She was bouncing from foot to foot, doing a little dance. Just as she'd said, she had a plate piled with food. She seemed so bright and happy, I was relieved. Her intensity had begun to worry me.

"Whatever you want to do, I'm game," I said. "I've missed hanging out. I was starting to go stir crazy, talking to myself."

"We should have a girls only sleepover too," Theo suggested.

"What is with all this girls only crap?" Alex asked crankily.

"You can go to the arcade, too," Theo protested. "At the arcade, there are shoot 'em up games. Perhaps you've not heard." She shoved a hunk of cheddar in her mouth.

"I was thinking more along the lines of dinner at a nice restaurant," Alex said.

"Hey, if you want to pay for my eats, then I'm not about to stop you," Theo said, and they grinned at each other. She had cheese in between her front teeth.

"I'm proud of you, babe," Alex said softly. He pushed her glasses up for her and leaned down to kiss her, despite her literal cheesy grin. I turned away, the moment feeling too intimate for me to be a part of.

A woman in a flowery, Laura Ashley style dress came up to me. She clasped her hands together demurely, seeming a little hesitant.

"Excuse me," she said, "Are you Hugh's daughter?"

I nodded. "I'm Ariel."

She gestured at the half-full table of appetizers. "I'm a volunteer at the food bank, and I couldn't help but notice that you seem to have a lot of food left. I was wondering if your dad would consider donating the leftovers?"

"I don't think he'd have a problem with that, but let me check first," I said.

I sought out Hugh near the front. A boxy chandelier, made of lightning glass, made the front counter glitter. Gwen was standing behind the desk, shuffling through papers. She was wearing dangling purple earrings that matched her form-fitting dress.

"Hey, honey, what's up? Theo did really well tonight. Been hearing nothing but positive feedback."

"Thanks. There's a woman from the food bank asking if we can donate the leftovers. Where's Hugh?"

"I think he stepped outside for a few minutes," she said. "Something about a telephone call. His head's been all over the place, I swear."

The door was propped open with a topiary planter, the air conditioning turned off to let in the sweet night air. Lights twinkled outside, and the laughter and clinking glasses from a newly opened bar and grille across the street carried over. I didn't see Hugh, but as I listened, I could hear his voice.

He was definitely on the phone, by the talk and pause rhythm of his speech. I walked down the sidewalk and rounded the corner of the building. His back was to me, and he didn't realize he had company.

"That's what I told you," he said. "It's not what you think."

I walked closer to him, but he must have heard my footsteps or seen the long shadow I cast on the wall. He spun around and covered the speaker with his hand. "You need something, kiddo?"

He looked like he was trying to hide the phone, but failing clumsily. I explained about the food bank volunteer.

"Yeah, yeah sure. That's a great idea. I had no idea where we were going to store all of it." The tone of his voice didn't match the brightness of his words. His smile was tight, and he was waving me away, brushing me off.

"Thanks. I just wanted to make sure," I said. I hesitated, with him looking at me expectantly.

"I'll be back inside in a minute," he said. "It's humid out here, go back in."

I wanted to tell him I knew he was lying. But technically, I was lying too, about other things. I knew he'd just tell me I wouldn't be able to understand. That it was adult business, and I was too young, or some other crap that adults say to get you to stop talking.

Backing up, I went back around the corner to rejoin my friends. Hugh didn't get back on the phone until I was out of sight.

Theo and I were hanging out at my house the next day. Jenna was still keeping away. She had been there in the morning, acting like she normally did, with no sign anything was amiss. Then she just went awol after lunch. I wondered if Theo being around was somehow causing Jenna to stay back.

Hugh had excitedly told me early in the morning that one of the critics from last night had put a bid on Theo's mural. He'd called and told her with me standing in front of him. I'd heard her squealing over the phone while he covered his ear.

Now we were waiting until the buyer arrived, when Theo would be driving up to Erasmus to discuss the transaction. The minutes seemed to tick by like hours for her, and she couldn't sit still.

"I can't believe he was that impressed. All this seems like it's happening to somebody else," Theo said. "I keep waiting for a cameraman to pop up and tell me its all a prank."

She was rearranging Tetris magnets I'd gotten for Christmas on the refrigerator, making beeping noises as she dropped them. I felt like it was the right time to bring up Alex's concerns, even if it made me uncomfortable.

"So you're doing okay now, right?" I started gently.

She looked at me in surprise, dropping one of the magnets and bending down to retrieve it. She kicked it up with one of the sneakers she was wearing, the rubber toes covered in doodles.

"Sure, why wouldn't I be? I feel great!"

"Alex said something like you hadn't eaten or slept for a while. And I knew whenever I tried to get a hold of you, you were always busy."

She wouldn't meet my eyes. "I just got stressed out, that's all. You don't have to worry about me."

"Why does that feel like you're totally avoiding the issue?"

Theo sighed, slapping the magnet back on the fridge. "He's right. You're right. I wasn't taking care of myself. I don't really care much what other people think, present company excluded, of course. A lifetime of being bullied, and having to grow lead skin, did that for me. But this is one thing that I feel like I'm good at. And if I'm going to be good, I need to be really good."

"That makes sense. But Theo, you are really good."

"To you. But you're my best friend. You're naturally biased. I want to get into art school, I want to really make this my life. And to do that, I have to take it seriously. And I've never taken anything seriously."

"Taking something seriously doesn't mean killing yourself over it," I said, leaning against the wall. "Just next time, promise you'll let me talk you down off of the roof."