Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader (41 page)

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LOONEY ANIMAL LAWS

• Goldfish may ride Seattle city buses, provided they lie still.

• In Kentucky, it’s illegal to walk behind a mule without speaking to it.

All 182 residents of Whittier, Alaska, live in two apartment buildings.

BRI SURVIVAL GUIDE

We’re not paranoid, but we do have quite a few survival books here at the BRI…because, well, you just never know. Here is a selection of advice from these guides. (Uncle John’s disclaimer: We’re bathroomologists, not survivalists.)

U
SING COMMON SENSE
Rule #1 for any catastrophe:
Stay calm
. Easier said than done? Not really. If your car careens off a cliff, you may think that you’ll scream all the way down. But many people who have survived near-catastrophes report quite the opposite: time slows down and the mind clicks into a serene clarity of purpose. Still, a clear mind will do you little good without any knowledge of what to do next. So here is some of that knowledge.

TORNADO

People who live in Tornado Alley are probably well-versed in what to do, but what about someone who’s just passing through?

• First, be aware when you’re in a tornado-prone area. Tornado Alley extends from the Deep South in the United States up through the Plains states (Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas, Nebraska, South Dakota, and North Dakota), into the Southwest, and as far north as Canada, which has the second-most tornadoes in the world (the U.S. has the most). And the violent thunderstorms that spawn twisters can happen in any month of the year.

• Watch the skies—if they quickly become unusually dark, find shelter and tune in to a weather report.
Tornado watch
means that the conditions are ripe for a twister. Stay off the roads and stay glued to the weather.
Tornado warning
means that one has been spotted. Seek shelter immediately.

• If possible, learn where the safest place is
before
a storm comes, but if you don’t know, here’s what to look for. First choice: a storm shelter specifically designed to withstand tornadoes. They’re usually underground and have strong, locking doors on top that won’t get ripped off by a twister. Second choice: a basement. Hide under a heavy table to protect yourself from flying debris, and keep as far away from any outside walls as possible. Crouching under stairwells is also a good option. No basement? Then find a room on the first floor that doesn’t touch any outside walls and stay away from windows. A bathroom is best. Hide in the bathtub with a mattress over your head. (Plumbing pipes are often buried in the ground, so a tub may be the only thing left where a house used to be.) A hall closet is also a good shelter. Wrap yourself up in heavy blankets or quilts. Don’t go upstairs—tornadoes are known for ripping off roofs.

A three-month-old baby pelican weighs more than its mother.

• If you’re outside, your biggest danger isn’t the tornado—it’s flying debris. Stay low. Find a ditch and lie face down. Wind speeds around a tornado can reach upwards of 200 mph, but at ground level (or below) they’re usually much slower. Keep in mind: if there are heavy rains, be wary of flash floods.

• Don’t hide in a car, which can be picked up and thrown, or under a highway overpass, which can leave you vulnerable to flying debris.

• An eerie calm can occur just before and after a tornado strikes, so don’t think it’s over just because the wind dies down. Danger remains until the sky is clear.

FALLING OFF A BRIDGE

•
If you’re forced to jump from a bridge into water, try to aim for the deepest part of the water, usually near the center. Avoid piers or pylons, as debris tends to collect around them.

• While in the air, keep your body as vertical as possible. Point your toes downward and protect your crotch with your hands. Also clench your buttocks to keep water from rushing in and causing internal damage.

• Once you’re in the water, fan out your arms and legs to slow your descent.

• If there were other people or objects on the bridge that may be falling down behind you, swim away as quickly as you can.

FOREST FIRE

• Nearly all forest fire casualties occur because the victims ignored orders to evacuate. So don’t tempt fate—if you’re told to leave, go.

The term “underwear” first came into use in 1879.

• A common misconception is that forest fires only travel uphill. They actually travel
fastest
when going uphill, but will go wherever the wind takes them. Your best bet is to travel in the direction where the sky is the lightest. If you have a car, use it. But if you’re stuck in a car that won’t move, your best chance is to stay inside it with the windows tightly shut and the vents closed. Fires travel fast, so the car may shield you from the heat long enough to survive. There is a risk that the gas tank will explode, but a car still gives you more of a chance to survive than being out in the open.

• If a fire is looming down on you, find a lake, pond, or river, and swim to the deepest part. Submerge yourself and be very careful when you come up for air. The heat from the fire can severely burn your face. A hat or a jacket can be used to shield your head when you surface, but don’t stay up for too long or your shield may catch fire. (By the way, don’t drink the water—the ash and fumes will make it toxic.)

Real-Life Example:
The 1910 Idaho forest fire was massive—more than a million acres burned and 86 people died. One group of survivors was a forest ranger named Edward Pulaski and his team. When the fire raged down on them, they made for a nearby mine…and did everything right. “The mine timbers at the mouth of the tunnel caught fire,” Pulaski later recounted, “so I stood up at the entrance and hung wet blankets over the opening, trying to keep the flames back by filling my hat with water, which fortunately was in the mine, and throwing it on the burning timbers.” The tactic worked: although the smoke made them lose consciousness, the barrier of wet blankets kept them alive long enough for the fire to move on.

HOUSE FIRE

“So strong is the fear of fire,” writes Anthony Greenbank in
The Book of Survival
, “that the unprepared victim relies completely on his blind instinct of self-preservation. Often this instinct is wrong and means exhaustion, asphyxiation, or cremation.…Heat can be kept at bay long enough for escape, but you must keep your cool and deal with first things first.”

• Indoor fires can spread very fast (unless they are very small and can be easily put out), so don’t waste precious seconds looking for valuables. Get everyone out of the house as soon as possible.

Are you average? A typical adult American male is 5'10" tall. A typical female is 5'4".

• Do not try to put out a stove fire with water; this will make it spread. The best way is to smother it with a non-flammable object, such as a wet blanket.

• Wherever possible, keep all doors and windows shut. This will slow the spread of the fire.

• If you need to open a closed door, be very careful. Use a piece of clothing to touch the doorknob and slowly open the door, using it as a heat shield. If you’ve determined that it is safe to enter the room, do it quickly and close the door. If you have to break down a door, your foot is far more effective than your shoulder. Aim your kicks right next to the doorknob.

• Once outside, get a safe distance from the fire and call 911.

• Smoke detectors save lives. Be sure there are enough for your entire house and that they all work properly.

DOG ATTACK

• Do not approach a strange, aggressive dog—you might get bitten and, even worse, you could end up with rabies. Telltale signs of a rabid dog: foaming at the mouth, glazed eyes, and staggering.

• If a dog is charging at you, running away will make you vulnerable. Only run if you’re sure you can get to a fence, tree, or a doorway well before the dog gets to you.

• If there’s no escape, prepare yourself for the attack. Two defense plans: 1) Hit the dog hard, directly on its nose to deter it; 2) Hold your forearm out in front of you. When the dog goes for it, jam it down his throat and keep pushing. Use your other arm to flip the dog over. This will incapacitate him.

• If there is more than one dog, crouch into the smallest ball you possibly can, shielding your head and hands.

• After the attack, go immediately to a hospital to be vaccinated for rabies. Also, get as detailed a description of the dog(s) as you can.

For more about how to survive in this dangerous world, go to
page 393
.

What good is a map? Atlanta, Georgia, has 32 streets named Peachtree.

SENATE SCUFFLES

The U.S. Senate is supposed to be a temple of decorum where political leaders can debate the great issues of the day with dignity and mutual respect, but
…

H
OT FOOTE
In 1850 the issue of slavery had turned the Senate into a hotbed of emotion. Vice President Millard Fillmore worried publicly that “a slight attack, even an insinuation often provokes a more severe retort, which brings out a more disorderly reply, each Senator feeling a justification in the previous aggression.” He promised, in his role as president of the Senate, to act at the first hint of disorder to prevent any conflict from getting out of hand.

Two weeks later, his worst fears came true when Missouri Senator Thomas Hart Benton got into a nasty argument with Mississippi Senator Henry Foote over a simple point of order. Benton, a bull of a man, charged up the aisle at Foote; the diminutive Foote drew a pistol. “Let him fire!” Benton yelled. “Stand out of the way and let the assassin fire!” Fortunately, he didn’t—a disaster was avoided when the Senate quickly adopted a motion to adjourn.

PAIN BY CANE

On May 22, 1856, South Carolina’s Senator Andrew Butler was ridiculed on the Senate floor by anti-slavery advocate Charles Sumner of Massachusetts during a debate over whether Kansas should be admitted to the Union as a slave or free state. During his speech, entitled “The Crime Against Kansas,” Sumner accused Butler of leading the effort to spread slavery to Kansas, for Butler, he said, had taken “a mistress, who, though ugly to others, is always lovely to him…I mean, the harlot, Slavery.”

Butler’s response is not recorded, but by all accounts Sumner concluded his speech and the day’s session continued. Meanwhile in the House of Representatives, Butler’s cousin, Congressman Preston Brooks, was preparing his own response to what he considered a grievous slander against a kinsman and fellow Southerner. Moments after the Senate adjourned for the day, Butler grabbed a cane and strode into the Senate chamber. Sumner was sitting at his desk putting stamps on copies of his speech to send to constituents. Slamming his metal-tipped cane onto the unsuspecting Sumner’s head, Brooks proceeded to beat the helpless man viciously. Then he turned on his heels and walked out.

Poll result: Only 9% of Americans know George Washington was a Revolutionary War general.

To their partisans each man became an instant hero. The stunned and bloodied Sumner was carried away by friends. It took him months to recover from his wounds, but he returned to the Senate and served another 18 years. As for Brooks, he survived a Senate censure vote and was even re-elected to office, but died six months later at the age of 37.

DEATH BY DUEL

In 1859 Senator David Broderick of California, a power broker in the Democratic Party’s anti-slavery faction, was challenged to a duel by political enemy and pro-slavery activist California Chief Justice David Terry. They met at dawn at Lake Merced, south of San Francisco. Broderick had the first shot, but when his gun misfired, Terry calmly put his bullet through Broderick’s chest. Broderick now has the unique distinction of being the only U.S. senator to be killed in a duel while in office. Terry was tried for murder and acquitted, and three years later he joined the Confederate Army. In 1889 Terry himself was gunned down by the Supreme Court Justice Stephen Fields’ bodyguard after Terry confronted Field in a train station restaurant and slapped him.

SCORE ONE FOR THE SENATOR

Over the years many senators have been attacked by disgruntled constituents, but only once has a senator been the one to start the fight. In 1917 an anti-war protester named Alexander Bannwart and two other men confronted Massachusetts Senator Henry Cabot Lodge in his office. They wanted to urge Senator Lodge to vote “no” on the upcoming resolution to enter World War I. Bannwart and Lodge argued. The words “coward” and “liar” were spoken. Suddenly the 67-year-old senator decked the 36-year-old pacifist and laid him out cold. The protester was arrested, but Lodge said he was too busy to press charges. Two days later, Lodge voted with the majority of his fellow senators to go to war. Bannwart caught the patriotic fever gripping the nation and, announcing he’d changed his mind, enlisted in the army.

As late as 1967, women were banned from running marathons without a chaperone.

TONGUE TWISTERS

Try to say these three times fast. And pay no attention to the person banging on the bathroom door, wondering what’s going on in there
.

W
ho washed Washington’s white woolens when Washington’s washerwoman went west?

L
esser leather never weathered wetter weather better.