Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader (47 page)

I curse them going and I curse them riding; I curse them standing and I curse them sitting; I curse them eating and I curse them drinking; I curse them rising, and I curse them lying; I curse them at home, I curse them away from home; I curse them within the house, I curse them outside of the house; I curse their wives, their children, and their servants who participate in their deeds. I curse their crops, their cattle, their wool, their sheep, their horses, their swine, their geese, their hens, and all their livestock. I curse their halls, their chambers, their kitchens, their stanchions, their barns, their cowsheds, their barnyards, their cabbage patches, their plows, their harrows, and the goods and houses that are necessary for their sustenance and welfare.

We’re #2! Worldwide, China has the most executions, followed by the United States.

May all the malevolent wishes and curses ever known, since the beginning of the world, to this hour, light on them. May the malediction of God, that fell upon Lucifer and all his fellows, that cast them from the high Heaven to the deep hell, light upon them.

May the fire and the sword that stopped Adam from the gates of Paradise, stop them from the glory of Heaven, until they forebear, and make amends.

Hmm. We don’t know why, but our typesetter
seems to have met with a mysterious end
.

*        *        *

AND NOW…A HUMOR BRAKE

One day an auto mechanic was working under a car and some brake fluid accidentally dripped into his mouth. “Wow,” he thought to himself. “That stuff tastes good!” The next day he told a friend about his amazing discovery. “It’s really good,” he said. “I think I’ll have a little more today.” His friend was concerned but didn’t say anything. The next day the mechanic told his friend he’d drunk an entire cup full of the brake fluid. “It’s great stuff!” A few days later he was up to a bottle a day. And now his friend was really worried.

“Don’t you know brake fluid is toxic? It’s very bad for you,” said the friend. “You’d better stop drinking it.”

“Hey, no problem,” he said. “I can stop any time.”

In the movie
Twister
, the sound of the tornado was created by slowing down a camel’s moan.

HERE COMES THE SPAMMOBILE!

You’ve heard of the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile; maybe you’ve even seen it in person. Here are a few more vehicles to watch for while Uncle John finalizes his design for the
Pot Rod.

T
HE ZIPPO CAR
Looks Like:
A 1940s-era black sedan, with the passenger compartment ripped out and replaced by two giant Zippo lighters, with their tops flipped open and neon flames sticking out.
Details:
Zippo founder George G. Blaisdell had the first Zippo Car built onto a Chrysler Saratoga New Yorker in 1947. It cost him $25,000, which was a lot of money back then. But Blaisdell didn’t have much to show for it—the car was so heavy that the tires blew out regularly. Rebuilding it onto a Ford truck chassis would have solved the problem, but the redesign made the car several inches taller than government regulations allowed. The estimate for fixing
that
problem was $40,000, so Blaisdell abandoned the project. Apparently he never even picked it back up from the Ford dealership that was hired to do the work. The dealership eventually went out of business; no one knows what happened to the car, but it probably ended up at the wrecking yard. A replica of the original car was built in 1996 (hopefully with better tires).

THE ECKRICH FUNHOUSE

Looks Like:
Eckrich makes sausages, and it’s not easy being a sausage company in search of a promotional vehicle. Why? If you go with the obvious, a sausage shape, you’ll just remind people of the competition—the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile. Having missed the wiener boat, Eckrich settled for a cartoon-looking house.
Details:
They call it the Funhouse (it has windows with flower boxes filled with daisies that squirt water at unsuspecting passersby). There’s nothing particularly sausagey at all about it, except maybe that most people eat their sausages at home. But, hey—Eckrich had to come up with
something
.

How about you? The average American driver spends 55 minutes a day in the car.

THE MEOW MIX MOBILE

Looks Like:
A van converted into a crouching cat that looks like it’s about to pounce. The cat comes complete with a motorized tongue that licks “whisker to whisker” 20 times a minute.

Details:
A lot of promotional vehicles raise money for charity; Clawde the Red Lobster (an ad-mobile for the Red Lobster restaurant chain) supports the Special Olympics, for example. But the Meow Mix Mobile has a charity all its own: Meows on Wheels. “As the Meow Mix Mobile travels around the country, it will be delivering Meow Mix brand cat food to people who have difficulty purchasing it themselves,” the company’s Web site says. “If you know any cat owners who are homebound, elderly or disabled, or for any reason have difficulty getting to the store to purchase food for their cats, we want to hear from you.”

THE SPAMMOBILE

Looks Like:
A blue bus with big Spam decals on each side that are supposed to make it look like a big can of Spam. What it really looks like is a city bus covered with Spam ads.

Details:
The “Spambassadors” who drive the Spammobile criss-cross the United States handing out free spample-sized Spamburgers (patties of Spam Lite, Less Sodium Spam, Smoked-Flavored Spam, Oven Roasted Turkey Spam, and regular Spam on tiny hamburger buns) to the public. Mmmmmm!

OTHER VEHICLES

•
The Lifesavers Pep-O-Mint Car:
One of the coolest vehicles of all, the 1918 Pep-O-Mint car looked just like a roll of Lifesavers on four of those old-fashioned wooden spoked wheels. The driver sat right in the middle of the roll; the O in Pep-O-Mint served as the left and right-side windows.

•
The Hershey’s Kissmobile:
Looks like three big foil-wrapped Kisses (Regular, Almond, and Hugs) sitting on a giant Hershey’s bar. The driver sits in the regular Hershey’s Kiss (it has a curvy, kiss-shaped windshield); the other two kisses hold free samples.

•
The Mr. Peanut Hot Rod:
A motor home remade into a peanut-shaped race car, complete with a giant engine block sticking out of the “hood” and a giant Mr. Peanut sitting in the faux driver’s seat. Why a hot rod? Mr. Peanut is “the Official Snack of NASCAR.”

Coca-Cola was once marketed as “the best cure for a hangover.”

UJI! HANABATA!

When people from different cultures meet, they often develop a unique “bridge” language, or “pidgin,” to communicate. Drawing from European, Asian, and native languages, Hawaiian pidgin is a tasty stew of words and expressions that you’ll seldom hear on the mainland. Some examples:

Howzit?
Aloha!

Whas da haps?
What’s up? What’s happening?

Whadascoops?
Another word for
Whas da haps?

Leddahs
(Pronounced “LEH duhs”)
:
See you later.

Bakatare
(“Bah kah TAH ray”)
:
Crazy

Weed:
With

Cockaroach:
A verb that means to sneak or steal. It can also mean stingy or cheap.

Hanabata:
Boogers; snot

Go holoholo:
Go out

Moemoe
(“Moe ay MOE ay”): Go to sleep.

Uji!
(“OOH gee!”): Eew! Yucky!

Skebei
(“Skeh BAY”): Dirty old man

Make ass:
Make a mess; make a fool of yourself

Cool head main ting:
It’s not a big deal. Also: Minors! (“MY nuhs”)

Stink eye:
The evil eye—a dirty look

Okole:
Butt; rear end

Grind:
To eat

Grinds:
Food

Ete:
A nerd

I owe you money o’ wot?
Stop staring at me!

Usedtato
(“USED tah toe”): Used to

Lepo:
A loser. It can also mean “filthy.”

Junk:
Crummy, bad

Junks:
Junk, stuff

Stuffs:
Stuff, junk

Mines:
Mine

Pressure out:
Freak out

Chicken skin:
Goosebumps Also: Stand-up hairs

Generally speaking, an egg is warmer at its broad end than at its narrow end.

SCOTLAND’S DISH

Back in the 1950s, the BRI’s future food historian, Jeff Cheek, took a trip to Scotland while on one of his clandestine missions with the CIA. (He won’t tell us why he was there.) But he did write this story of haggis for us—the origin, the tradition, and the elusive hunt for a wee, tiny beastie
.

W
ASTE NOT, WANT NOT
Scotland has given the world many gifts: plaid, golf, the poetry of Robert Burns, and Scotch whisky. They have also offered us their national dish
—haggis
—but there are few takers…once they find out what haggis is made of. It is the offal (the waste parts) of a slaughtered sheep, minced and then boiled in the sheep’s stomach. The dish and name most likely came from the Vikings—the Swedes have a similar dish,
hagga
, but they use choice cuts of meat to make it. The frugal Scottish farmers, however, wasted nothing, so instead of discarding the lungs, heart, and liver, they used these along with homegrown oats to make haggis. And the Scots have revered it for centuries.

In his “Address to a Haggis,” 18th-century poet Robert Burns called the dish “the Great Chieftain of the Pudding Race.” And it has become a Scottish tradition to serve haggis on Burns Night, January 25, to celebrate the poet’s birthday. Loyal Scotsmen are also supposed to eat haggis on November 30, St. Andrew’s Day, to honor Scotland’s patron saint.

DOWN THE HATCH

Another tradition may explain the dish’s lasting popularity: you don’t eat the haggis by itself—it must be served with “neeps, tatties, and a dram.” Translation: turnips, mashed potatoes, and Scotch whisky. (Possible rationale: everything tastes better if you wash it down with whisky.)

As you might imagine, most non-Scots (and many natives) are quick to reject a dish of innards, so many of the restaurants in Scotland prepare a more palatable version of haggis for their squeamish visitors: it’s cooked in pots instead of stomachs and uses choice cuts of meat instead of the awful offal.

The world record for haggis hurling is held by Alan Pettigrew: 180'10".

HAGGIS HUNTING

Now
you
know where haggis comes from, but gullible tourists are told a different tale by the Scots: The haggis is actually a “wee beastie” that lives in the bogs and glens of Scotland. It’s easy to recognize these little creatures—their legs are shorter on one side than the other. Why? From scurrying sideways up the steep Scottish hills, of course. It’s very difficult to find a haggis, as they only come out at night. And they have very sensitive ears.

“So if ye go huntin’ for the haggis, don’t wear anything under ye kilt. The sounda ye underwear rubbin’ against ye plaid will send ’em divin’ for cover, laddie! And another thing: before ye go, ye’ve gotta drink lots and lotsa Scotch to mask ye human odor. Them haggis have very sensitive noses, too, ye know!”

Result: Scores of happy, half-naked, inebriated tourists wandering around the countryside after midnight, drinking whisky and swearing that they just saw a real, live haggis…but it got away. “If ye com’ back next year,” you’ll be told, “perhaps ye’ll catch one of them wee, tiny beasties.”

Here is a recipe for traditional haggis.

Ingredients:

• l pound sheep liver

• l large onion, chopped

• 2 pounds dry oatmeal

• l sheep stomach, scraped and cleaned

• l pound suet, chopped

• 3 cups meat stock

• ½ teaspoon each cayenne pepper, salt, and black pepper

Preparation:
Boil liver and onion until liver is done. Mince together. Lightly brown oatmeal in a hot skillet, stirring constantly to prevent burning. Mix all ingredients. Fill stomach with mixture, pressing to remove the air. Sew stomach securely, then prick several times with needle so it won’t burst. Slow boil for four hours. Serve with “neeps, tatties, and a dram.”