Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader (26 page)

—San Francisco Examiner

Here’s the second part of our story of how the White House was built. Part I is on
page 97
.

B
UILDING THE HOUSE

The cornerstone for the president’s house was laid on October 13, 1792 (nobody knows for sure where—the exact location was not recorded), and work on the four-foot-thick outer walls began. They were built by masons and slave laborers, all of whom lived in shanties on the property because there was no place else in the as-yet unbuilt city for them to live. (At one point, a brothel was set up on the White House grounds, for their “convenience.”)

The exterior would be faced with freestone, a form of sandstone that was chosen because it can be cut like marble. But freestone is also very porous and is highly susceptible to water damage, so the masons sealed the stone with a wash of salt, rice and glue. It was the building’s first coat of white paint; soon it would be nicknamed the “White House.”

STOP AND GO

Work on Washington, D.C. was moving slowly due to shortages of skilled labor, raw materials, and—especially—dollars, thanks to the disappointing land sales in the district and a Congress that was reluctant to commit any extra money.

The White House had more than its share of its own problems: Despite all the cuts that had been made, it was still way over budget, and when the Congress learned in 1798 how much money had been spent, it refused to pay any more. When the roof was finished the building was sealed up and abandoned, sitting empty for more than a year until new funds could be raised to pay for the interior.

The Wet House

When work resumed, an architect named Benjamin Henry Latrobe examined the structure to determine its structural soundness. He
found that the structural timbers, which weren’t the highest quality of wood to begin with, had been exposed to so much cold, dampness, and rain during the seven years of construction that they were now dangerously decayed. But there was no money to replace them, so Latrobe repaired them as best he could and work on the house continued.

By now the White House was hopelessly behind schedule. “We do not believe it will be possible to prepare the building for the reception of the President until October or November next,” the commissioners wrote in February 1800.

FIRST NIGHT

George Washington didn’t live to even
see
the finished White House, let alone live in it. He left office in 1797 and died two years later, at about the same time the exterior walls were completed.

The White House was still unfinished when Washington’s successor, John Adams, arrived in Washington, D.C., but he moved in anyway on November 1, 1800. The rest of the federal government—which consisted of 130 federal employees—moved to the new capital a month later.

A WORK IN PROGRESS

“Unfinished” is the polite way to describe the condition of the White House. The roof leaked, the ceilings were crumbling, and the windows were so loose that rain and wind blew into just about every room. “Not one room or chamber is finished,” First Lady Abigail Adams wrote. “It is habitable only by fires in every part....This is such an inconvenience that I know not what to do!” The White House didn’t even have an enclosed yard, so she took to hanging her wet laundry in the unfinished East Room.

The exterior looked even worse. As Ethel Lewis writes in
The White House
, the grounds were strewn with “dump heaps, old brick kilns, and water holes giving off evil odors...it looked more like a ruin than a Presidential Palace.” The workers and slave laborers were still living in shanties on the lawn, and it would be nearly a month before the White House had an outhouse.

IN AND OUT

But the Adamses would suffer for only four months—in 1800, Adams lost the presidential election to his political rival, Thomas Jefferson. Adams avenged the defeat three different ways:

(1) He stayed up late on Inauguration eve appointing judges that he thought would be embarrassing to Jefferson.

(2) He boycotted the Inauguration the following morning.

(3) He moved out of the White House as required, which meant that Jefferson would have to move in.

Jefferson preferred to stay at Monticello whenever possible, but he also did a lot to improve the White House. He removed the shanties, landscaped the grounds, installed a fence, and filled the mansion with fashionable furniture. And for safety’s sake, “mixed in with the fine furniture,” Ethel Lewis writes, “were eight fire buckets.”

By the time Jefferson left office in 1809, the White House was finally a comfortable home, though not by today’s standards—there was no electricity, no telephones, no central heating, no air conditioning, and there was only the most primitive system of running water, designed by Jefferson himself. There weren’t even any closets (in those days few people owned more than a cedar chest full of clothes, and built-in closets were unheard of).

By 19th-century standards, the White House would do just fine...but not for long—in 1814 British soldiers burned it to the ground, leaving the mansion’s white stone walls an empty shell.

For more on the history of the White House, turn to
page 259
.

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CAN’T HOLD A CANDLE TO IT

Q:
Why do some flames burn blue while others burn yellow?

A:
“It’s a matter of how much oxygen is available to the burning fuel. Lots of oxygen makes blue flames, while a limited amount of oxygen makes yellow ones.” (From
What Einstein Didn’t Know
, by Robert L. Wolke)

“Knock yourself out” usually means something like, “Have a good time.” But these people took the phrase literally.

S
TANLEY PINTO

Usually a skilled professional wrestler, he got tangled in the ropes in a Providence, Rhode Island, match. Trying to get free, he pinned his own shoulders to the mat for three seconds. The referee counted him out.

HARVEY GARTLEY

“In 1977, Gartley fought Dennis Oulette in a Golden Glove boxing competition. Gartley was counted out in a knock-out 47 seconds after the opening bell. Oulette never made contact with Gartley. The young Gartley was so excited during the match that he ‘danced himself into exhaustion and fell to the canvas’—knocking himself out and losing the fight.” (
Oops
)

THE USS SCORPION

The last U.S. nuclear submarine lost at sea sank with two nuclear weapons on board. Apparently, one of
Scorpion’s
conventional torpedoes became activated and threatened to explode. To save the ship, the crew ejected it. But the torpedo “became fully armed, and sought its nearest target—the
Scorpion.”

HMS TRINIDAD

Sailing in the Arctic in 1941, the British ship fired a torpedo at a German destroyer—forgetting the effect that the icy water would have on the oil in the torpedo’s steering mechanism. The torpedo curved, and in less than a minute it was headed straight at the
Trinidad.
It blasted right into the ship’s engine room and put HMS
Trinidad
out of action for the duration of the war.

SPANISH AIR FORCE JET

“In 1979, a Spanish Air Force jet was participating in a target practice run near a hillside in Spain. The jet’s gunfire ricocheted off the mountain and blew up the plane.” (
Oops
)

BOBBY CRUICKSHANK.

“It was the final round of the 1934 U.S. Open,” write Ross and Kathryn Petras in
The 176 Stupidest Things Ever Done
, “and the pressure was on. Cruickshank was two strokes ahead of his competitors. He had to make the next hole in four strokes to keep his lead.

“Cruickshank’s drive off the tee was fine. But his following approach shot was too weak. With horror, he watched the ball sink with a splash into the stream in front of the green.

“A split second later, the ball bounced back out of the water—apparently ricocheting off of a submerged rock—and rolled onto the green only ten feet from the hole.

“It was a miracle. With a whoop, Cruickshank tossed his club in the air, tipped his hat, and yelled to the heavens, ‘Thank you, God!’ Unfortunately, the club landed on his head. It knocked him down and upset his balance for the rest of the day. He lost the lead and came in third.”

HENRY WALLITSCH

In 1959, Wallitsch fought a heavyweight match against Bartolo Soni in Long Island, New York. In the third round, he took a wild swing at Soni and missed. The force of his swing made him lose his balance, and he fell through the ropes head-first. His chin hit the floor so hard, it knocked him out.

JACK DOYLE

In the mid-1930s, Doyle was considered a promising heavyweight boxer. When a reporter declared him “the next heavyweight champion,” he stopped training—and didn’t even fight for a year and a half. In October, 1938, after the long lay-off, he announced he was was going to fight Eddie Phillips—and he was taking this bout very seriously.

He arrived a half hour late for the match. Then, in the second round, “he swung such a mighty punch that, when Phillips stepped sideways, Doyle knocked himself out, plunged through the ropes and landed next to the time keeper who solemnly counted to ten.” (
The Return of the Book of Heroic Failures
)

Here’s proof that crime doesn’t pay.

H
I, THIS IS A ROBBERY. HERE’S MY I.D.

DALLAS, Texas—“Ronnie Darnell Bell, 30, was arrested in Dallas for attempting to rob the Federal Reserve Bank. According to police, Bell handed a security guard a note that read:
This is a bank robbery of the Dallas Federal Reserve Bank of Dallas, give me all the money. Thank you, Ronnie Darnell Bell.
The guard pushed a silent alarm while an oblivious Bell chatted amiably, revealing to the guard that only minutes earlier he had tried to rob a nearby post office but that ‘they threw me out.’”

—The Edge, The Portland Oregonian
, 6/18/98

TAKE THE MONEY AND...?

BALTIMORE, Maryland—“Bank robbers usually take the money and run. Not Jeffrie Thomas, police said. Thomas, 35, walked into a Signet Bank on Monday and handed the teller a note demanding money. When police arrived and asked which way he went, employees pointed to a man counting cash near a teller’s station. It was Thomas, adding up the take, police said. Thomas, who was unarmed, was taken into custody.”

—The Baltimore Sun
, 4/13/97

HOT TIPS

DADE COUNTY, Florida—“On several break-ins, Ronald Bradley, 21, carefully wore gloves. But...he wore golf gloves—the kind that left his fingertips naked. He was sent to prison for three years.”

—Sports Illustrated
, 6/20/78

A HELPFUL ATTITUDE

MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota—“Suspected purse-snatcher Dereese Delon Waddell in suburban Minneapolis last winter stood on a police lineup so the 76-year-old female victim could have a look at him. When police told him to put his baseball cap on with the bill facing
out, so as to be presentable, he protested, ‘No, I’m gonna put it on backwards. That’s the way I had it on when I took the purse.’”

—Jay Leno’s Police Blotter

CAREFUL DRIVER

SYRACUSE, New York—“In 1992, Philip S. Whaley, Sr., was captured and charged with grand larceny and other crimes after a twenty-eight-minute chase involving numerous route changes. For all twenty-eight minutes, Whaley signaled every single turn that he made. Said an officer, ‘We knew exactly where he was going.’”

—America’s Least Competent Criminals

MISSING PIECES

GRAPEVINE, Texas—“In 1993, 24-year-old David Bridges stole a television set so he could watch the Dallas Cowboys. He was arrested when he went back a second time, to get the remote control.”

I’LL BE RIGHT OVER, OFFICER

PANAMA CITY, Florida—“Brandon Lamont Dawson, 20, was captured after police found a pager he’d left in his car following a homicide, traced it to Dawson, called him on the phone, and asked him to come to retrieve the device. He was arrested when he walked into the Panama City police station.”