Under His Spell (16 page)

“Look, I’m just so busy right now. I don’t really have time…” She stopped when Susan held up her hand. Nicky might have argued, but when Susan got to lecturing, all she could do was wait it out.

“You weren’t like this as a kid.”

“Of course I was,” she shot back, though she really had no idea what Susan was talking about.

“You were fun. You laughed and goofed off. But somewhere between high school and adulthood, all the fun got sucked out of you.”

“I do have fun, you know.”

“No, Nicky, you don’t. You have benchmarks. This degree, this salary, this job, this amount in the bank. When did your life become a series of achievements?”

Nicky stared at her sister. It was as if Susan were talking an alien language. Yeah, she understood the words, but not the tone of disdain. “My degree, my job, my salary, they’re all important,” she said.

“More important than your goddaughter? More important than a boyfriend? What happened to you?”

Nicky just looked at her sister, feeling as if her mind and body were completely frozen. As if maybe, they had been frozen for a really long time and she hadn’t even realized it. “Do you know what it’s like to be homeless, Susan?”

Her sister snorted. “You’re a long way from homeless, little sister.”

Nicky just picked up her sign, turning it over and over in her hands. “Everything in you rebels. No, you can’t be one of
those
people. You work hard. You aren’t crazy. But there you are with nothing except debts, and it’s getting dark. You actually think about sleeping on a park bench. You. A middle-class girl from a good family. And where do you go to the bathroom? Take a shower? What about when it gets cold? Suddenly these things are real and they’re terrifying.”

Susan expelled a long breath. Nicky didn’t dare look at her. She didn’t know what she feared. A look of pity? A sigh of acceptance, as if Nicky deserved the fate she’d had? Logically, she knew Susan would never do that to her. And yet, Nicky couldn’t look. She could barely even breathe. Finally, her sister spoke. A single word, but it seemed to echo in the room.

“When?”

“Grad school and only for a little while.”

“How?”

“Asshole boyfriend.” She refused to even say the bastard’s name out loud. “He’d been pocketing my rent money for a while. Then he cleaned out my bank account and skipped town. By the time I found out, I was being evicted.”

“Why didn’t you call me? We had money. Mom and Dad would have helped.”

Nicky shook her head. “It happened so fast, Susan.
Yeah, there were signs, but I didn’t see them. God, I was so stupid—”

“You got ripped off. That’s a crime. It wasn’t your fault.” She leaned forward and pulled the get-back-to-work sign out of Nicky’s hand. “You should have called us. We would have helped.”

Finally she dared to look into her sister’s eyes. She saw worry there. And love. So much love that it broke her heart. “I was on the East Coast, and you’d already loaned me so much money just to get through school. I couldn’t call again. Especially since I had a friend whose couch I could crash on, but she wasn’t in town right then. I had to wait until she got back. Besides, I had a job. I was going to get a paycheck soon enough. If nothing else, I would have moved into a hotel.” She smiled, and the motion was easier than she expected. In fact, she was breathing a little better right then. No fear of a panic attack at all.

“You lost everything?” Her sister’s voice was soft and filled with pain. “Is that why you took this job? Because it was back in Chicago?”

Nicky frowned, sorting through her memories of that time. “It paid the best,” she finally said. “But yeah. I remember thinking that if the worst happened again, at least I’d live close enough to sleep on your couch and not a friend’s.”

“Oh hell, Nicky. I didn’t know.”

Nicky took a breath, letting her shoulders pull back down with the motion. “It’s done with. I’ve paid back my loans and even have a decent cushion in my bank account. They even caught the asshole, not that I ever saw the money again.” She opened her hands. “It’s over,” she repeated.

Susan shook her head. “I don’t think so.” She turned
the sign back so that Nicky could read it—Career first. Get back to work. “You talk about missing the signs—well, this is another one. This is the sign of a life out of balance. You say the past is over, that you have a good cushion.”

“I do—”

“But you live in fear. This whole office, this career, all of it. It’s a huge monument to your fear.”

“That’s not true!” she cried, but inside she was beginning to wonder.

“So you’re not afraid? Which means you’re purposely choosing work over roses? Your 401k over your goddaughter?”

“Of course not—”

“Stop talking, Nicky.” Susan pushed herself to her feet. “Just think about what I’ve said. About your life. Meanwhile, I have to get back home to your former goddaughter.”

Nicky jumped out of her own seat. “You’re still firing me? But—”

“Stop talking! Start thinking!”

Nicky buttoned her lip, but she didn’t like it. Meanwhile, Susan’s expression softened a little. Not completely, but at least Nicky could still read love there.

“Yes, I understand now what happened to you. But that doesn’t mean you’re a good fit as godmother. You’ve got to think about your choices. About why you make them.”

“But you can’t fire me!” Nicky shot around her desk, trying to hold on to her sister. To hold on to her family. But Susan just shook her head.

“I love you, little sister, but you need a serious wakeup call. Don’t spend the best years of your life on something that can’t love you back.”

“My job isn’t about love, Susan.”

“Exactly,”
she said. Then she gave her a tight hug before rushing out the door.

W
HEN THE
T
HURSDAY NIGHT
amateur show was over, Jim once again got a ride from his brother, though not because he was too drunk to go by himself. Truthfully, he just liked his brother’s company. After the bizarre week he’d had, Rick’s quiet presence was just what he needed. Unfortunately, Rick’s silence ended the moment they left the freeway and entered the subdivision.

“So she’s given you the big kiss-off.”

Jim didn’t bother answering. He’d already explained about her career and the e-mail that said they had to delay things for the moment. There was no point in belaboring the point again when they both knew it was the big kiss-off.

“Don’t worry, bro,” Rick said. “I get the feeling you’ll be seeing her a lot sooner than you think.”

Jim frowned at his brother. “Enlighten me, Obi-Wan.”

Rick pointed ahead as he rolled down the street toward Jim’s house. There in his driveway sat Nicky’s Pontiac Sunfire. Jim sat up straighter, trying to see if she was sitting on his porch.

Rick sighed. “You are one lucky bastard, you know that?”

“I don’t assume anything where Nicky’s concerned.”

“Wise man,” Rick drawled, but Jim barely heard him. He was already out of the car and striding up the driveway. Sure enough, there she was on his porch just like last time. Except that she didn’t have that vague look in her eyes. And she absolutely didn’t stand up and take off her blouse.

Instead, she barely lifted her chin, and her eyes never met his. She just sat there hunched. She didn’t even seem to notice that her skirt was crushed awkwardly beneath her, and her suit jacket lapel was flipped the wrong way. Jim’s chest tightened in terror. Clearly, something really bad had happened.

“Nicky? What going on?”

She still didn’t meet his eyes. “I got fired.”

“You’re kidding!” The thought sent him reeling. “After all the hours you put in? I can’t believe it. What morons they are!” He dropped down beside her and tried to gather her into his arms. She went easily, her body listless. He pressed his cheek into her hair and tried to think of something to say. Sure, nobody had died, but her job was everything to Nicky. Her sense of security, along with her sense of self. To lose that would be like dying to her.

“It’s all my fault,” she murmured. “I don’t blame her in the least.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. They’re idiots to fire you. You work harder than anyone else I’ve ever known.”

“Yeah,” she said as she rolled farther into his embrace. “That’s the whole problem.”

He frowned. “You got fired because you work too hard?”

She nodded.

“Nicky…” He lifted her chin. Again she moved listlessly, as if all the fight had gone out of her. That more than anything else terrified him. “Nicky, you know you’re more than just your job, don’t you? I know this is a shock right now, but you’ll get a new job in no time.”

She frowned and some of the spark returned to her eyes. “What job? Why do I need a new job?”

He blinked. He wasn’t drunk, but maybe the beer was affecting him more than usual. “That’s a good idea, Nicky,” he said slowly. “Take this time to rest a bit. Focus on yourself for now. Job hunting can wait until—”

“What are you talking about?” she asked, straightening. Then her eyes abruptly widened in understanding. “No, no! I wasn’t fired from my
job.
”

He blinked. “Um, then what—”

“From my family,” she said in a miserable wail. “I was fired from my family.”

He almost choked on his surprise. He knew that wasn’t polite—this was clearly devastating. But…“Family can’t get fired, Nicky. And even if they could, yours would go through hell and back for you.”

She shook her head. “No, they won’t. That’s what I mean. I was fired as godmother. I forgot the meeting with the priest. Again! I don’t blame her.”

Jim began to understand. So, finally her workaholic life was catching up with her. He pressed a kiss into her forehead and then tugged on her arm. “Come on. Let’s go inside and talk.”

She arched a brow at him. “You sure you want to risk
it? I mean, I was in the middle of doing the slow dump with you. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want to invest—”

“Just shut up and come inside, will you? No one’s dumping anyone tonight.”

“Except for my sister,” she said. Then she rubbed a hand over her face. “Gawd, I sound like a whiny child.”

He dropped a quick kiss on her lips, forced himself not to linger there, then tugged her upright. A moment later, he had his front door open and was gesturing her inside. He tried hard to keep his mind out of the gutter, but when she stopped and stared at the heel marks on his hallway wall, his mind went straight south.

“Wow, this has been a weird couple of weeks,” she said softly.

“Yeah,” he agreed. Then his breath caught as he stared into her eyes. He could see it right there—an unspoken longing—and his body hardened in response.

“Maybe you could just hypnotize me into being a better sister.”

He swallowed and looked away. “I don’t think I’m that good.”

“You are,” she murmured as she stepped forward. Her hand touched his chest. She slipped her fingers beneath the buttons on his shirt and thumbed them open.

He grabbed her wrist, forcing himself to stop her. “I can’t do this, Nicky.”

She froze. “What?”

“Don’t you see what’s happening? The hypnosis, the sex, it’s all just a way of turning off your brain when life gets too hard.”

She stilled, her eyes pulled wide. And then she crum
pled. Her eyes filled with tears and her hands went to cover her face. “Oh god, I’m awful!”

He laughed—gently—then tugged her into his living room. Less than an hour ago, he’d given up hope for more with her. For much of anything with her. But now, with her right here, his heart felt lighter than it had in over a week.

“It’s not like I complained, Nicky. And I’m still a guy. If you really want mind-obliterating sex, you just give me a call.”

She shook her head. “But that’s the whole point, isn’t it? That’s why you did the whole pizzeria family date. You want more. My sister wants more. You all
deserve
more. And I…” Her voice cut off and she looked away.

“Don’t stop now, Nicky. You what?”

“I don’t have more to give!” She slumped as she dropped down onto his couch. “I don’t want to end up at sixty looking back at all the spreadsheets I’ve done. But…”

She was staring at her hands where they were clenched in her lap. He settled next to her, extending his own hand over hers. “But?” he prompted.

“But that’s all I’ll ever have because I can’t find room in my life for anything extra. People are going to start giving up on me. Susan already has.” She sighed and flipped her hand over in his. “And those who are sticking around…I push away.”

He waited a moment, trying to consider his next move. She was here, but it was only because of another crisis in her life. How did he make it so she would stay forever?

“First off,” he said, “I’m not going anywhere. I pushed
too hard, too fast with that pizzeria date. I didn’t ask you what you wanted, I just pushed.”

She sighed and squeezed his hand. “Yeah, but I was the one who freaked. I…uh…I do that a lot lately.”

He narrowed his eyes, his mind catching her phrasing. “Have you had more panic attacks?”

She nodded. “Just one. After I decided to not call you.”

He arched a brow. “Wasn’t that a clue that you should absolutely pick up the phone?”

She shrugged. “Yeah, but my boss called me into a meeting while I was still recovering, and…well…” She let her head drop onto the back of the couch. “And Susan thinks I make all my choices out of fear.”

“Well,” Jim began, choosing his words carefully. “You do realize what words trigger your hypnotic state, don’t you?”

She frowned for a moment, then she closed her eyes with a groan. “You’re safe with me. You can trust me. Wow. Couldn’t get more obvious than that, could you?”

Unable to keep from touching her, he stroked a hand across her cheek. “It’s no crime to be afraid. And I like that I make you feel safe.”

“And I can trust you. I know that.”

“But you don’t feel it, do you? Not unless I hypnotize you.”

She shook her head. “It’s not that simple.” Then she shrugged. “Or, hell, maybe it is.” She looked into his eyes. “I feel safe with you. I always have, even back on prom night. And once I feel safe, there’s no holding back on—”

“On a sexual level,” he said, his heart sinking. There it was, as baldly stated as possible. Everything they had
together was based on “safe Jimmy.” But he didn’t want to be just her safety net. He wanted so much more. And while he was deciding what exactly he wanted to do about that, she started speaking.

“Did you know I used to be a marathoner?”

He frowned, trying to follow her jump in topic. “Um, should I? Was it in high school?”

“No, college. Freshman year. I was feeling fat so I started jogging and I liked it. Then jogging became running, which rapidly became marathoning. I met a guy and we would run for hours together.”

He blinked, annoyed by the surge of jealousy for this unknown runner. “Are you saying you want to take up jogging again?”

“I can’t. I tore my ACL during my first real race.” She abruptly pushed up from the couch to begin pacing. “Don’t you get it? I went from nothing to marathoning in a few months. Then wham, torn ACL, and that obsession’s over.”

He shifted on the couch. He could see that the word
obsession
was key.

“And then there was my glorious career as an eBay antiquer. Do you know what the markup value is in antique dolls?”

He shook his head.

“My aunt gave me one as a present while I was laid up from my knee surgery. But the doll had a sister, so I decided to buy it on eBay. And then I found out what the value of the whole collection would be, and I started searching everywhere for it. I was on an extremely limited budget, but that made it all the more fun. I spent all my time watching antique doll auctions and calculating the value of my collection.”

He blinked. One of his neighbors collected figurines
of odd children with sappy expressions. Her entire house was littered with them. He just hadn’t expected that Nicky would be one of them.

“Go ahead. Ask me where my collection is now.”

“Um, where is your collection?”

“Sold off. It was about the only thing that asshole left me, but even before that it was stored in a pile of boxes. It wasn’t the dolls, it was the competition. The deals. The winning!” She pumped her fists in the air right in front of him, and when he just stared at her, she abruptly became self-conscious. She straightened, her hands dropping to her sides.

“The rest you know,” she said softly. “I graduated, got my job and…”

“And now your obsession is your job, career advancement. You do it to the exclusion of all else.”

She nodded and turned away from him. “It’s what I do. I’ve never done things by halves. Even…fear. It just…consumes me. Except when I’m with you.” She dropped to her knees before him, looking up into his eyes. He saw fear in there, just as she’d described. But he also saw a wealth of strength she just didn’t seem to recognize.

He touched her face. He wanted to kiss her, but he held himself back. “You’re stronger than you realize.”

She shook her head. “Not without—”

“I’m not going to hypnotize you again.” He said it sharply, before he even realized his intent. But it was the truth. “I—I won’t be your crutch. Not that way. I want…” He sighed, knowing exactly what he wanted from her. A relationship. A life together. But would they have the chance to build one if he never hypnotized her again? He didn’t know, but despite everything, he couldn’t just be her sex toy.

She smiled. “I was going to say not without
you.
” She took a deep breath. “It has nothing to do with the hypnotism, Jimmy. I just feel safe with you. Which makes it easy for you to put me under, but the lack of fear…that comes first. And that comes from you.”

He was silent for a moment, studying her closely. She was feeling lost right then and completely overwhelmed. Good, he realized, with a small amount of shock. The pieces were falling into place in his mind.

“So you’re not afraid with me. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? You need boundaries. To keep you from being so obsessive. And you need a safe environment in which to explore those boundaries without getting hurt.”

She nodded, her eyes huge. “I have that with you. Assuming the fear doesn’t overwhelm me and I shove you away.”

“But that’s why you like bondage. Because you can’t run. Because you’re forced to be with me.”

She winced and her face reddened, but she didn’t respond.

He leaned forward, putting it all on the line. He knew what he had to do—he just had to find the balls to do it. “But can you be with me without the hypnosis?” He leaned to the side table and popped open a drawer. Then he pulled out a pair of handcuffs and held them right before her eyes.

She reared back. “Jimmy?”

“Can you, Nicky? Can you submit to the bondage, can you
enjoy
it without the excuse of hypnotism?”

She frowned at him, but her nipples tightened. “Yes, of course I can.”

“Hold on. There’s more.” He took a deep breath. In for a penny, in for a pound. “You have a lot of passion, Nicky.”

She rolled her eyes. “That’s never been in question. At least not around you.”

“Passion, not just for sex, but for life. For work, for family, for everything. But no one can do everything all the time, so you channel it, focus it. And that leads to doing one thing all the way, all the time.”

She huffed. “That’s what I’ve been telling you. Obsessive.”

“Which is why you need someone else to help redirect you. Why you need someone to tie you down and make you think of something else. Or not think at all.”

“Hence the hypnotism and bondage. I know. I get it.”

“Hear me out. You need help setting boundaries. The handcuffs are just one way you manifest that need. I think I can be that man for you. I think I can help balance your life. But only if you’ll let me.” Then he opened the cuffs. “These are metaphorical, Nicky. But will you do it? Will you surrender to me without the hypnosis? Of your own, free, fully aware will?”