Under Seige (15 page)

Her hands trekked a frantic path into his jeans. "You scared me at first, though."

His fingers paused just shy of her breast. "What?"

She tightened her legs around him, needing to bring him closer so she would stop babbling things that brought questions. Geez, what was she trying to do, sabotage this before they even started? "Let's back up. Forget I said anything and keep doing exactly what you were doing two seconds ago."

He released her hands. "When did I scare you?"

Zach wasn't going to let it go. One slip threatened to ruin everything, something that promised to be so very perfect, something they both deserved so much.

Her head fell to the side. "I asked you not to stop."

"When, Julia," he insisted, "when did I scare you?"

"It's nothing now. Okay? I wasn't thinking clearly a few seconds ago. It was kind of tough to form rational thoughts when you had your hand shoved up my shirt."

He hooked a finger under her chin. "If it's nothing, then why won't you tell me?"

She threaded her fingers through his tousled hair, desperate to return to the promise of forgetfulness, already knowing the ever-honorable Zach would pull away when he heard, damn him. "Just a stupid minute earlier when you pulled into the driveway. You weren't due home yet and I didn't know who was out there. I thought it might be... I thought something had gone wrong on the flight." She stared at his throat. "Like before, with Lance a year ago."

Julia's words sluiced over Zach like ice water. Actually, ice water would have shocked less.

How could he have missed the date? He'd seen it stamped all over accident files a hundred times during the past year.

Because he hadn't wanted to remember. Not now.

And now he couldn't forget.

Zach rolled off her and sat on the edge of the bed. Not that turning away kept his mind from seeing the imprint of her breasts straining against the T-shirt. Straining toward his mouth.

Julia scrambled to her knees behind him. She looped her arms around him, her cheek against his ear, her breasts too perfect against his back. "I was scared, okay? Scared something had happened to you. So sue me. Or better yet, get back here and finish this. Prove to me you're totally all right."

Her warm breath caressed him with a promise hotter than her words just before she nuzzled his neck.

He shoved to his feet. "I don't think so."

"What?"

Being honorable blew, but he wasn't crawling back in that bed with Julia and a ghost. "This isn't right for you."

She leapt to her feet, eyes blazing. "Who made you the god of deciding what I can and can't do with my life? Last time I checked, I was a consenting adult and I want us back on that bed."

"Not tonight. You're not ready for this."

"Oh, now you're a mind reader too? The great commander can take care of everything before we even think it." Julia closed the last inches between them. She linked her hands behind his neck, her body grazing his in a sinuous stretch that brought her mouth a whisper from his. "So tell me, Colonel, what am I thinking right now?"

He couldn't stop his body's reaction, and she wouldn't miss it. But he could control what he did about it.

"You want to forget that one year ago today I stood on your front porch to tell you your husband was dead." The words fell from him harsher than he'd intended, but then he wasn't feeling particularly pleasant.

She froze against him.

He loosened her hands from his shoulders and put much-needed distance between himself and the powder keg of pain radiating from Julia, ready to detonate. He wanted to pound a wall and maybe Lance Sinclair as well.

Zach gentled his hold on her wrist, trying to gentle his tone as well. "I won't be a stand-in for another man."

"I never said you were a substitute for anyone." Even pain-filled, her eyes didn't waver from him.

He almost believed her. Except when it came to relationships, he'd blown it too big in the past to trust his instincts now when the fall-out could be so bad for her. "No, Julia. Not now. You need time to think."

Her eyes flared again. "Why do you get to tell—"

"I need time to think," he said because he knew it would sway her, and because damned if it wasn't half true. "We need distance from this day before we make any decisions. Time apart would probably help too. I was going to tell you tomorrow, but I'll be leaving Monday to go TDY for a few weeks."

As if accepting the inevitable, she shoved the strap to her tank top back up her shoulder, only to have it slide defiantly down again. "Where are you going?"

He didn't answer, couldn't answer because of security, a reality of his job that had shredded his first marriage.

She dropped to the edge of the bed. "Please, don't say it's one of those 'can't tell ya, babe' kind of TDYs. Not tonight."

His silence said it all anyway. His job had been hard enough on Pam. Why hadn't he realized how much tougher moments like this would be for Julia? Sure, she didn't love him, but marriage and friendship had drawn her into his world, a world that had already dealt her the worst blow.

Julia traced a toe along the seam in the wood floor. "Can you tell me when you'll be back?"

That much he could share. "I should be home in a month, a few days before the squadron Valentine's Day party."

She nodded, her toe making inroads along the wood grain. "Okay, then."

Zach scratched his unshaven face and searched for a way to fix the mess he'd landed them in. He could feed her a few details of the mission without breaking security, enough to reassure her.

He sat beside her, his eyes fixed on his hands between his knees. Zach circled the wedding band round and round his finger. "I'm taking a couple of crews to assist the Secretary of State on some diplomacy visits for the next few weeks." By necessity he omitted the location. "We're hauling supplies for the Secret Service detachment. Their surveillance equipment, SUVs. That kind of thing."

She didn't need to know about the boundary dispute heating in South America, or that he'd volunteered his unit for this mission so he could dig into control tower data linked to Lance Sinclair's crash.

Beyond what he owed Lance, Patrick and Julia, three other crew members had died that day. He needed answers.

"It's safe." He hoped. "But I can't promise you it will be next time. Julia, the last thing I want is to check out and leave my kids behind, but this is what I do. On any given day, war or peacetime, the US military has troops deployed in
seventy
countries. That's just the average. Humanitarian relief, drug intervention patrols, peace-keeping forces. War or no war, we're out there doing our job and it's not always going to be safe."

Julia stared at the floor. Did she even know her hands shook?

Skimming her drooping tank strap back up onto her shoulder, he wanted to hold her until she quit shaking. "I want you, no question about it. I've always been upfront about that, and turning you away right now is the hardest damned thing I've ever done."

He allowed his thumb to explore her fragile collarbone, a reward for holding strong. "Think it through while I'm gone and see if my job is something you can handle before we go any further."

She looked up, direct with no wavering. Her hands might be trembling, but her gaze was rock-steady.

"You missed out on something incredible tonight."

The soft skin beneath his callused thumb, and her eyes so passionate about everything affirmed that fact even more than her words. "I know."

His hand fell away and he stood. He swiped his T-shirt off the floor. "I'm going up to the office and clear out some paperwork before I leave."

Run a few hundred laps on the way.

He opened the door.

"Zach."

He glanced over his shoulder. "Yeah, Julia?''

"Could you go the extra mile in reassuring me while you're gone? A call when you land. Let me know what you can so my imagination doesn't go crazy. The more I know, the less I'll worry. It's the things I don't know about that drive me nuts."

The weight of his half truths landed square on his shoulders, but damn it, this was different than the lies Lance had shoveled her way over an affair. This was about his job and giving what honor he could to Lance Sinclair for Patrick, a child he found himself thinking of as a son.

Telling Julia that Lance's reputation was even in question could only hurt her, likely for nothing. He was protecting her. No need to tell her anything more until after the investigation was complete.

Zach nodded. "I'll call."

As he walked away from Julia, he knew that even a month apart wasn't going to stop the inevitable. He would end up in her bed. It would be incredible. And it would be the first step toward a first-class crash-and-burn, because those half truths insisted he didn't stand a chance in hell of being any better a husband this go-round.

Julia wiggled her toes in the foam separators while Ivy painted each nail. The girl's brow furrowed as she slicked on Five Alarm Red, a fitting color for Julia's night at a Valentine's Ball.

And, she hoped a red-hot night with Zach.

He'd been right to insist on a month's distance from the anniversary of Lance's death, but now, she was ready. No more waiting. Well, she would have to wait another hour until he landed from his TDY and dashed home to change. Then she planned to tear up one very sexy Lieutenant Colonel.

Uncomplicated passion. Just what they both needed as a haven from the stresses in their lives.

Julia shivered in anticipation.

Shelby's reflection in the mirror smiled back at Julia. "Hold still! Only a few more curls to go."

"Thanks, hon." Julia reached over her shoulder to pat Shelby's arm, grateful for her stepdaughter's smile more than her help.

The teen wielded the curling iron in a flurry of twists and spins, the thin wand creating a halo of spirals around Julia's face. Patrick squealed from his swing, feet pumping as he tracked all the activity with his eyes. Life felt good for the first time in over a year, longer than that actually, since she and Lance had been going through such rocky times.

God, she was more than ready to experience life again.

Zach had been scheduled to arrive home two days ago, but a faulty indicator light had delayed his takeoff. Now, she would have to endure the whole evening and their mandatory appearance at the Valentine's Dining-Out formal before she could have him all to herself.

True to his word, he'd called her every couple of days. No lengthy conversations, just the steady reassurance of his deep voice rumbling across the phone lines.
Great mission today, Jules. But we're
wasted. Need to hit the rack and sleep. Give the kids a hug for me.

Sometimes those connections crackled with so much static she didn't even want to speculate where the call originated. So she didn't. Instead, she'd thrown herself into putting Lance's death behind her and making a life for herself and her child, spreading some of that healing to Zach's children as well.

"All done." Shelby untwirled the last curl. "So, Paddy-my-pal, what do you think of your mama?"

Patrick cooed his approval with a gummy grin. Julia halted the swing to kiss his head. "Thanks, sweetie.

You're a prince." She twisted toward Shelby. "And thanks to you, too."

"It's
so
not a big deal. Now glue those curls in place before they fall." Shelby passed a can of hairspray to Julia, then plopped down to sit by Patrick. "Hey there, little buddy! Wanna go for a walk? Me, you and Aggie can make it around the block twice before it gets dark. Huh? Whatcha think?"

Shelby tickled his tummy and gabbed nonstop, her face uncharacteristically open whenever she played with Patrick. She'd surprised them all by asking to take a Red Cross baby-sitting course so she could watch Patrick. She'd even begun attending his family-support meetings with Julia. Who would have thought an infant could make more headway with maturing Shelby than a house full of adults?

Ivy plugged in the blow-dryer and waggled it over Julia's wet toenails. "I need some money for recital tickets. Could you write it out tonight in case we're in a hurry in the morning?"

"I thought I already sent that in."

"I, uh, told my teacher to save two more."

Patrick's swing creaked and swooshed in the silence.

How many times would Julia have to pass off the unclaimed tickets to the Bennetts so Ivy wouldn't be faced with those empty seats? God love him, Bronco had been a real trooper about sitting through two hours of Nutcracker excerpts and
Santa's Elves Go Broadway
last Christmas. "I'll leave the check on the table."

Ivy's grin crinkled her nose. "Thanks."

Shelby chucked Patrick's chin and puffed in his face until he giggled. "Well, Patrick, I sure hope the Bennetts like
Swan Lake.
''

Julia swatted the air behind her chair to wave Shelby quiet. "Thanks for all the pampering, girls. Why don't you call for the pizza while I finish dressing? I'll come out for a fashion show in a minute."

The door closed behind them, muffling arguments about pepperoni versus sausage. Julia tossed aside the toe separators, grateful for the modern miracle of quick-drying nail polish. She stepped into the bathroom and shrugged out of her robe.

She unhooked the dress off the back of the door, basic black velvet to the floor, but with a surprise slit up the leg, well past the knee. Zach liked her legs and she planned to drive the man as crazy with need as he'd made her a month ago. She eased into the dress, gliding it up her body and imagining how it would feel sliding down later.

As much as she wanted time alone with him, she was actually looking forward to the evening out, for more than just the chance to torment him a bit. Her circle of friends had widened into a community she'd never realized existed beyond the handful of crew members she'd known through Lance—like the families she'd met in the new base support group led by Rena Price, a loadmaster's wife.

Unfurling sheer black stockings, Julia rolled them over her legs. Her life was back on track. She'd made her peace with Lance's death, or as much as she believed she ever could. She intended to make the most of what life had to offer her now with Zach. For however long they were together.