Under Your Skin (6 page)

Teagan's response calmed Norah's racing heart. The waitress came over and Teagan ordered a cup of coffee. Norah stuck with water.

“Tell me about yourself.”

Words came flooding out. “I've been living in Boston for almost ten years. My mom was killed when I was a baby and when my oldest brother, Jimmy, joined the army, everyone thought it would be best for me to live with my aunt. This past year, I was in college. I met a boy and fell for him and got knocked up. I thought I was being careful. I'd been on the pill. After months of pretending it wasn't real, I came home.” Her rambling caused a surge of embarrassment. She drank a gulp of water. “I didn't know what to do.”

“You have options, and that's what I'm here for.”

“I don't think I'm ready to be a mother, so maybe adoption is right for me.”

“I can help you with whatever you choose. If it's lack of readiness, we can get you into parenting classes. We can find you a mentor.”

“It's not just the parenting. I haven't finished college. I don't have a job. I don't really have support.” She immediately thought of Jimmy, but it wasn't his job to support her child. “I don't feel ready because I haven't lived my life yet. I don't think I can give what a baby needs.”

“I can help with finding a job, getting financial support. Help you find a lawyer to get child support. However, if you want to talk about an adoption plan, we can go over that too.”

“My family is better than I make them sound. My brother Jimmy would take care of me and the baby, but I don't want him to have to. It's more than money and jobs. I don't feel like a mom.” Because of this, she felt like there was something fundamentally wrong with her. Most women would be cooing over little pajamas and baby strollers. She hadn't even looked at one.

“Right now, I think the only thing holding me back from jumping at adoption is guilt. I spent a lot of time on your Web site. I like the idea of an open adoption. I don't want my baby to feel abandoned.” Tears filled her eyes with the thought. She knew that feeling too well.

Teagan reached across the table and held her hand. “We'll work toward whatever makes you comfortable. This is about you making the best choice for you and the baby, not assigning guilt or blame.”

Norah didn't know what she had been expecting. Maybe someone berating her for stupidly getting pregnant without a plan. Maybe someone telling her she should give her baby away. But she hadn't expected someone to hold her hand and tell her it would be okay. Surprisingly, it made a hell of a difference.

“Tell me how open adoption works. I read about some of it online, but if I decide on adoption, what happens?”

“We talk, like we are now, about what you want and what you expect, both in adoptive parents and life after adoption. Then we try to find a match.” She sipped her coffee, but still held Norah's hand.

“What if I change my mind?”

“After you have the baby, by law you have to wait three days to make the adoption official. It gives you time and space to reconsider. You can take all the time you need.”

“What about the baby's father?”

“Do you know who he is and how to reach him?”

Norah nodded.

“We'll contact him and ask for a waiver. If he refuses, adoption is still possible. It will take longer and there's more paperwork to make it legal. It's easiest if he's on board.”

“I get to choose where the baby goes? Like someone here in Chicago?”

“You would go through profiles we have on adoptive parents, and then you can choose to meet some. The choice is completely up to you.”

Norah drained her water glass. There was so much to this.

“There's no hurry. You have time to think about what you want for you and the baby as well as what your expectations are. I'm only a phone call away at any time.”

Norah stared into Teagan's dark brown eyes. Her wildly curly hair bounced around her shoulders as she talked and offered reassurance. She was pretty and confident and knew what she was talking about. Norah vaguely remembered feeling that way herself.

Over these past few months, she lost herself somewhere. She was starting to come back, though. After a few weeks in her family's house, surrounded by her brothers and helping with their dad, she had started to feel normal again.

“You'll probably think of more questions, so feel free to give me a call. Is there anything else I can do for you?”

“Unless you can make this decision for me, no.”

Teagan smiled. “You'll be okay.”

Norah wanted to believe that. Teagan paid for her coffee and left a tip on the table. Norah walked outside into the glaring sun. Teagan had given her plenty to think about. Could she give her baby to someone else and not be consumed with guilt? She wasn't sure she had the strength to walk away, but in her gut, she felt like it was the right decision.

* * *

Norah sat on the front steps waiting for Jimmy. He didn't spend many nights at home these days, but he said he'd be here when she called. He was like that. She regretted not calling him in the spring or even the beginning of summer when she left Aunt Bridget's.

Although she hadn't made a definitive decision, after talking with Teagan, she felt like adoption would be a good choice. She couldn't say she'd bonded with this baby because she'd spent most of the pregnancy in denial and fear, but she loved it on a gut level. It was something she would never be able to explain.

She wanted what was best for the baby and she didn't think she was it, especially as a single mother. Yeah, Jimmy would help, but it wasn't fair to him. Tommy and Sean would mean to help, but they wouldn't really. It wasn't in their nature.

A huge part of her felt like a total shit for even considering it. She'd spent years feeling abandoned by her family. They'd sent her off to live with Aunt Bridget when she was just starting puberty at a time she needed her family most. She blamed Jimmy for that. They fought about it often over the years and while she understood why Jimmy had done it, old resentments still bubbled up from time to time.

Now she realized that Jimmy was only a couple of years younger than she was now and he'd been responsible for all of them for a long time. Who could blame him for sending her away?

The sun was sinking off to the left, still hot enough to warm her legs and make her wonder if she'd end up with a weird burn pattern. Her ass numbed on the concrete, so she shifted her position and leaned back on her elbows. Closing her eyes, she listened to her neighborhood. Kids down the block were running through a sprinkler. Some houses had windows open and she heard the noises of dinner being made and TVs blaring. Rush hour traffic hummed in the distance.

The sounds of Chicago weren't that much different than those of Boston, yet it felt different here. A shadow shifted in front of her and she opened her eyes.

“Hey, squirt.”

She laughed at Kevin's use of the nickname. “Not so little these days,” she said, rubbing her belly.

He dropped a laundry bag at her feet.

“I know you don't think I'm washing your smelly clothes.”

He shook his head. “Machines are still busted at my building. This is better than a Laundromat. There's free beer.”

He sat beside her. She waited for whatever he planned to lob at her.

“I want this guy's name, Norah. We've given you time and space, but the games have to end. This guy has a responsibility here.”

“I know, but it's not your problem to handle. I'm taking care of it.” She saw the barely controlled anger in his eyes. “I appreciate your concern. I know you're worried about me, but I'm okay.”

At least she told herself that daily, willing it to be true.

Kevin jumped up. “This is bullshit. I'm going to call Aunt Bridget. I don't know why Jimmy hasn't already done that.”

Norah shaded her eyes from the sun as she looked up at her brother. “She can't give you what you're looking for. She doesn't know him. And I'm not going to have you running off to hunt him down. We did this together.”

“I sure as fuck can blame him for not being here now.”

“Nope. That blame is on me.”

“But you didn't tell him because you knew, didn't you? Knew he'd be a useless piece of shit who wouldn't man up. What kind of losers did Aunt Bridget let you date?”

Norah leveraged herself off the step. “Really? I'm an O'Malley and in case you haven't noticed, we tend to do whatever the hell we want. You guys might've shipped me off to Boston but you didn't remove my DNA. Aunt Bridget couldn't control who I dated any more than you can control what I do now.”

“This is bullshit.” He grabbed his laundry, gave her a dirty look, and stomped up the stairs and into the house.

She inhaled deeply, filling her lungs as much as she could with a baby pressing on all of her vital organs. She wasn't upset. Kevin irritated her, but she wasn't stressed out and torn up like she'd been her first night at home when she felt like all of her brothers were ganging up on her. She handled it.

Holding on to the rail, she lowered herself back to the step. A few minutes later, Jimmy pulled up. Part of her had been wishing he'd have Moira with him. His girlfriend was someone Norah considered an ally. She was kind of short on those these days.

Jimmy walked up to her and held out a hand to help her up. Instead she flipped her thumb to the spot next to her. He sat, extending his legs out in front of him, the crease in his pants still visible after a day of work.

“I think talking out here would be better. Kevin's inside doing laundry and I pissed him off again.”

“He'll get over it.” Jimmy looked at her clothes.

She tugged at the maternity top. “Moira borrowed stuff from her sister-in-law. At least now I don't feel like an overstuffed burrito.”

“You look good. Happier.”

She wrinkled her nose. “Not happy, but better.”

“What do you want to talk about?”

Her hand automatically went to her belly again. She'd always thought it weird when pregnant women did that, but now she understood. You couldn't really control it. “I've done a lot of thinking. And I called Avery—” She stopped with the realization that she let his name slip. But not even Jimmy was good enough to track him down with only a first name.

Another deep breath in and released. Jimmy had stiffened beside her. He was better at covering his anger than Kevin, or any of the O'Malley boys for that matter.

“I think I want to give the baby up for adoption.”

Jimmy ran a hand over his face and then stared out at the street. He said nothing for so long that Norah couldn't predict his response.

“Are you sure?”

“No.” She almost laughed. “But I talked with a counselor and discussed my options.”

“You want to give up your baby?”

Both hands now rested on her bulging torso. “It's not about what I want or don't want. I have to think about the baby and what's best for him or her. Let's face it. I'm a mess. I'm not ready to be a mom, definitely not a single mother. I don't have a job. Crap. I don't even have a mother to teach me how to be a mom.” The last words caught in her throat.

Jimmy reached out and put his hand on top of hers. “Sweetheart, I told you, you're not alone. I meant it.”

“I know you did. But this baby isn't your responsibility any more than I am.”

“You are mine. Mom would've expected it.”

“It's not fair to you.”

“Life isn't about fair. It's not fair that we have a whole family full of siblings to look out for each other and some people have no one. We can't control fairness.”

“I want my baby to have a shot at a good life, one with parents who love and want him or her.” She swallowed hard. She hadn't voiced these ideas to anyone and they hurt. Feeling incompetent stung.

“It's up to you and I'll support whatever you want.”

She blinked away unshed tears. “Who are you? Jimmy O'Malley would never just offer blanket support without telling me what to do.”

“We've all done some growing up.”

“Mmm-hmm. I think Moira has a whole lot to do with that.”

He smirked. “Maybe.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Then Jimmy stood. “I'm going in to see Dad and say hi to Kevin. Don't rush your decision. You have time. You have to be completely sure.”

She nodded. “I know. I haven't done anything but think and talk about it, but I like what the adoption counselor had to say and I'm leaning in that direction.”

With his hand on the rail to go up the steps, Jimmy asked, “Do I want to know what the guy's reaction was to the pregnancy?”

“Probably not.” She couldn't look him in the eye when she admitted that.

Jimmy bent over and kissed the top of her head. “Say the word.”

He said nothing more, but his intention was there. All she had to do was open the door and he'd go after Avery. He meant for it to be protective and sweet, but it was kind of scary. It made Norah glad that she'd been living in Boston when she started dating.

Knowing that Kevin was still in the house and Jimmy might tell him about her thoughts, she decided a walk was in order. The weather was beautiful, and for a change, she was breathing easy.

* * *

Kai clamped his jaw shut as a tiny wisp of a woman barked orders at his mom, putting her through motions that were clearly too painful. Jaleesa had arranged for the physical therapist to come to his house for the first few weeks until Lani was able to travel. The session only lasted an hour with a bunch of breaks throughout, but his mom needed a nap by the time Tanya was finished.