Understudy (22 page)

"Anyway, aside from bringing your stuff, which is becoming a habit, I came here to tell you something," she said, her brows creasing. And I thought that maybe I was wrong. Maybe she came here to tell me that we were no longer friends. Somehow, this didn't surprise me. After all, I make people go away.

"I'm kinda dating Drake."

Her words didn’t make sense for a moment. I was sure I heard her wrong. But mentioning Drake's name cheered her up in a way I had never seen before.

"That's good," I said. "I'm happy for you."

Sara's face fell like my answer disappointed her. "That's it? Come on, aren't you going to tell me how stupid I am? That I'm a big hypocrite for falling for someone I called a jerk?"

I just smiled at her, though it took a lot of effort. She noticed straight away.

Sara turned around and straddled the bench between her legs so she was directly facing me. She grabbed my hand and sandwiched it between hers. It felt like a warm blanket on a cold day.

"Okay. Tell me," she said. "Tell me everything."

My heart began pounding in my chest. I wasn't sure if I was really ready to tell her. But I reminded myself that she deserved to know the truth.

"Adam is gone." It was the first time I said it out loud and it felt wrong, like I was telling a lie. "Adam is gone because of me."

Sara sighed, and I saw worry flash in her eyes. "We've talked about this before. It's not your fault."

"It is this time."

"What?"

"I kissed Eric."

Sara let go of my hand and placed them on her lap. The air suddenly felt hot and heavy, and I waited for the onslaught of fury. It didn't come though. Instead, all she said was, "Yeah, about that..."

I turned to look at her. It was not the reaction I expected.

"Yeah, I saw that," Sara nodded. "And I also saw how you ran away from him after that. You have no idea how proud I felt. About the running away I mean."

I was lost. "Aren't you going to get mad at me?"

"I'm not your mother, Kat." Then she lowered her eyes and sighed. "Why did you run away?"

"Because it felt like I was cheating on Adam."

"Are you?"

"I don't know." I was back in the woods, back in front of the lake waiting for him.  "He's gone."

Tears welled up in my eyes and Sara pulled me in a tight embrace. I started breaking down in her arms and she stroked my hair. I had never cried in front of her like this, not even after the accident. Maybe because this time, it felt like I really lost Adam for good.

"I see Adam." I blurted, though the right word would've been
saw
. "I've been seeing him this past few months. I've been spending time with him."

I felt Sara stiffen, but she did not utter a single word, just continued stroking my hair. "I know it's crazy. Maybe I'm crazy, and I don't expect you to believe me. But I see him. At least I did, up until last night."

Telling her felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. Knowing that I wouldn't be able to see Adam any more brought on another wave of emptiness that made me squeeze Sara's hand. She squeezed back.

I didn’t know if she believed me, or if she thought I was crazy. But the simple gesture told me that she understood. And it was all I needed.

Chapter Twenty−Eight

Sara stayed with me all throughout Christmas vacation up until the New Year. I felt bad that she had to spend time with me instead of hanging out with Drake, but she insisted.

"If you want to hide from your parents, then you're stuck with me. I'm the best excuse you have. Plus, we get to finally have that sundae at Marty's. You wouldn't be able to find another bargain as great as this!"

And she was right. I didn’t have to pretend I was okay in front of her. She let me cry when I felt like crying and she didn’t threaten me with a visit to the shrink, because in a way, Sara became my shrink. And it was okay because she understood.

I visited the woods a day after Christmas. I didn’t tell Sara, partly because we did not talk about Adam's ghost ever since I told her all about it, and partly because a small part of me hoped that Adam would actually show up.

It was a chilly Saturday morning and everything was cold and gray. I walked to the woods, thinking it would give me time to prepare myself for whatever might happen, assuming he would show up.

He did not.

I stood in front of the lake, remembering the first time he brought me here and how we kissed right after.

I closed my eyes and imagined him standing in front of me, imagined his scent and his dimpled cheek as he smiled. In my mind. He was perfect, he always was.

"The play was great," I said. "Your brother was perfect as Tiny Tim, I wish you could've seen it."

In my mind, Adam raised his eyebrows.

"I miss you," I said. "I wish I could I see you one last time so I could give you a proper farewell, not that I really want to."

"Call me selfish, but I don't want to let you go. I want to be with you all the time even if it means losing my sanity, but it clearly doesn't work that way."

Adam walked towards me, stopping just a few inches away as he pressed his forehead against mine and held my face between his hands. I stared at his eyes. They looked calm and peaceful, and I felt myself melting into them.

"I love you," I whispered. "I know I should have told you that the first time, but I was scared. Which is stupid really. But I was. And I hate myself for not saying it more often when I had the chance. Will you forgive me?"

He nodded.

"I love you. Words can't express how much, but the fact that you returned makes me believe that you already knew. I love you and it hurts for me to let you go. But I know that it's what you want even when you didn't say it. And for that, I'm letting you go. Because I love you."

He kissed my lips and I stood still, savoring the moment. Memorizing the way his lips fit mine. I took in every single detail of his face; the arch of his eyebrow, the light crease on his forehead and the tiny mole just above his eyebrows so faint it was almost invisible.

I kept them all in my mind, hoping the memory wouldn't fade just as he was fading now. I closed my eyes in my mind, not wanting to see him disappear. When I could no longer feel his lips, I snapped my eyes open back in reality, and I was once again alone in the woods. My face was wet with tears.

I took a quick look around my surroundings, committing them all to memory. Then I stared at the lake, watching the surface glisten under the sun, though it did not look as beautiful as the first time I saw it. Yet, it still took my breath away.

I wiped my tears away and started going back to the trail leading out of the woods. I never returned.

***

Everybody was in high spirits when school came back a week after the New Year. People were still talking about the play, but it was mostly about the party. I went to school with Sara in Drake's car. He was actually nice and he seemed to be a perfect match for Sara. Although it annoyed me a little that they kept on making out almost every time they were together. I suddenly knew how it felt to be the third wheel. Still, I was happy for them. It was about time Sara got herself a boyfriend. I just wished Adam was here to see it.

We had Mr. Blake for our first period that day, and he still couldn't stop talking about the play. He was reminiscing some of his  favorite scenes when he the door opened, causing him to pause mid−sentence and smile.

"Oh, look who's here! It's our Tiny Tim!"

My gaze flickered towards Eric, who stopped by the door as our eyes met. He was wearing black again. I immediately looked away.

"Come in, Mr. Wharton!" Mr. Blake exclaimed. "You should've told us you can act! We could've chosen you as Ebenezer Scrooge!"

I kept my eyes on my notebook, pretending to scribble on it as I felt him walk towards his seat.

I could feel his eyes on the back of my head all throughout the class. I fought the urge to grab my bag and run out of the room. I did not tell Sara this but she asked me about it during lunch.

"How are you keeping up?"

"I'm fine," I lied, and she easily saw through it.

"You're such a bad liar."

"I have a bad teacher."

Sara chuckled. "Yeah right. Anyway. Would you be able to go home by yourself later?"

"Do I look like a baby to you?" I picked a soggy French fry from my plate and tossed it at her. She dodged it though.

"Drake asked me to go to this new restaurant opening up in Treston with him. It's his cousin's actually, and he said that he couldn't bear being alone with them. So as his girlfriend, it's my duty to make sure it becomes bearable. Would you believe it?"

"No, it's a big mystery to me."

Sara laughed, and I found myself laughing too. It felt good.

"God I missed this," she said, shaking her head.

"Me too."

***

I watched them drive away in Drake's car and I contemplated riding the bus, or walking home. In the end, I chose the latter since I wasn't comfortable riding the bus without Sara.

It had been a long time since I walked home from school with the sun still high in the sky. It reminded me of junior high when Sara and I would walk home talking about boy bands and our favorite chick flicks. Back then, our lives revolved around simple things. We were bright-eyed innocent girls who spent our time talking about trivial things.

I continued to fill my mind with these happy scenes from the past as it helped dull the pain of missing Adam. I still had the urge to go to the woods, still hoping a little even after saying my goodbye. But I pushed the thought away and concentrated on walking, thinking that in due time, I'd look back to this moment and it wouldn't hurt this much. I just had to keep on moving one step at a time.

I was about to cross the street when something, or rather someone, bumped into me. I looked down and saw Lily looking up at me clutching her dolls tightly against her chest.

"Lily?"

"Kat!" she beamed at me, panting.

"What are you doing alone in the street? Where's your Dad?"

"He told me to wait in the truck. It broke down again."

"And you ran away?"

Her smile disappeared and she stared down at her shoes. "I... I was scared."

"Where's your dad's car?"

"At the gas station."

"Okay. We'll go there and we'll wait for your Dad together. Is that okay?"

Lily broke into a huge smile that made me smile as well. "You'll do that?"

"Yeah, why not?"

I offered her my hand which she took eagerly and we turned towards the direction she came from, just in time to see Eric coming around a corner.

I stopped in surprise. He seemed surprised too, but he immediately regained his composure. I wish I could say the same for myself.

Lily was happy to see him though. "Eric!" she exclaimed. I had forgotten that she had a huge crush on him.

Startled, it took Eric a moment to return her greeting. "Hello there, little lady. What are you up to now?"

"We're going to the gas station to wait for my dad."

Eric seemed confused, but it was evident that he wasn't genuinely interested in Lily. Not when he kept on glancing at me. "That sounds fun."

"Kat will be waiting with me," Lily giggled. "Do you wanna join us?"

"He can't," I said. "He's busy, right?"

I didn't wait for him to answer as I pulled Lily beside me and started moving along.

"Wait, Kat!" he called out.

"I can't talk to you right now."

"Well, you are talking to me right now."

We walked faster.

"You can't just ignore me forever."

"You're ignoring him forever?" Lily asked,  stopping and letting go of my hand.

Eric took this opportunity. "Look, we need to talk."

"Talk about what?"

"You know what."

"I wouldn't be asking if I knew," I said, using the exact same words he used at Connie's.

"Oh come on, don't give me that bullshit."

"You're being ridiculous."

"Oh, really?" he shook his head. "I'm being ridiculous? Who's talking to dead people?"

A lump suddenly formed in my throat, making it hard to swallow. "How did−"

"Yes, that's right. I know." He took a step forward, his hands clenching. "I'm tired of playing your games, Kat. I know how much you miss him, and I respect that. But you can't just pretend that nothing happened between us."

"Nothing happened between us! It was just a kiss!"

His eyes were sharp as daggers. He was angry again and I was surprised that a small part of me was upset about it.

"Just a kiss? That's how you describe it? It's just a goddamned kiss?"

We both knew it was more than that, and the truth started pushing down on me on all fours, paralyzing me with guilt.

"Why did you run away?"

I could hear the desperation in his voice as the walls continued to crush me, forcing the truth out of my throat. "Because you asked me to let go and I did."

"What?" Eric looked like he had been shot, his mouth opening and closing. Confusion was written all over his face and it frustrated me that he couldn't remember. "I listened to you! You and your spontaneity, and I let myself go!"

His expression softened a bit, but the questions still swam in his eyes like a hungry shark waiting for its victim. "What's wrong with that?"

"I've fallen for you," I whispered, hoping he didn’t hear. He did.

I watched as the muscles on his face relaxed, reminding me of the Eric I knew back in the fire exit just before the show began. "What's wrong with that?"

"I can't do this."

"Why not?" He took another step forward and I remained rooted to where I stood. "Is it because of Adam? Because of the accident? You still blame me for what happened?"

I wanted to believe that it wasn't really his fault. That it was just indeed an accident. But I had blamed him for so long that it was imprinted on my mind like a bad memory.

"God, so it comes back to this.” Eric said. "It always comes back to this!"

There were tears in his eyes now, and I couldn't bear to see him like that. I grabbed Lily's hand and was about to cross the street with her when Eric called out, "Wait!"