Undisputed (31 page)

For what seems like an eternity, I can’t catch my breath. I suck air in, but it never reaches my lungs. My heart is beating erratically, and I’m dizzy. I close my eyes and try to remember the breathing techniques I learned in therapy after my parents died, but my mind won’t focus on anything other than my desperate need for air.

I sink to my knees then bend forward at the waist and count backward from ten, trying to take a breath with each number. After repeating the countdown three times my lungs finally inflate. I place both hands on the ground, palm down and feel the cold grass beneath them. Opening my eyes, I notice how brown each blade is.

Dead, just like Connor.

I lift my head in time to see Breccan’s arms wrap around me, and then he lifts me off the ground.

Struggling, I cry out, “Put me down, dammit!” I writhe and squirm in his arms, but his grip never loosens. He carries me all the way back to the car without saying a word and gently places me in the passenger’s seat.

We ride in silence back to the house, and before he’s even shifted the car in park, I throw the door open and then sprint inside. Tears stream down my face, and at the top of the stairs, I take a left toward Connor’s room.

Slinging his door open, I’m overwhelmed by his scent, and I throw myself on his bed, sobbing loudly. When I hear footsteps in the room, I shout for whoever it is to go away, but my words are muffled by the pillow my face is buried in. As the mattress sinks beside me, I turn my head, relieved to find Abby.

“I didn’t think I’d ever come back in here,” she murmurs, staring at the shelf that holds Connor’s prized possessions.

I walk over to it and pick up the Indian horn Abby brought home for him right after his diagnosis. “I was so pissed at you,” I tell her bluntly.

One corner of her mouth sadly tips up, and she replies, “I know.”

Running my fingers over the intricate carvings, I stare at the football that was signed by the entire Falcons organization. Memories of that day flash through my mind, and a new wave of tears starts. I throw the horn on his desk and shuffle back over to Abby’s side. She slides her arm around my waist, and we cry for the boy we both lost.

We sit together on his bed as the day turns to night, not needing to even speak. Eventually, Abby stands and wipes the moisture from her cheeks before turning to me. “He’s helping the only way he knows how, honey.”

“What are you talking about?” I question, pretending that I don’t know who she’s referring to.

She raises an eyebrow, puffy from tears, and says, “Don’t play dumb.” She turns on her heel and walks toward the door. She pauses outside and whispers, “Don’t push him away, Sid. He needs you just as much as you need him right about now.”

After Sidney’s exit from the Rover, I stop myself from chasing her to give her some time to calm down. Seeing her on the ground, in the throes of a panic attack, scared the shit out of me, but Abby insisted that she’d be okay if I just gave her a little space.

An hour later, I stalk up the stairs, intent on forcing her to tell me what was going on. But she’s sitting on Connor’s bed, her arms wrapped around her sister. Not wanting to intrude, I decide to wait for her in her room.

It’s dark by the time she emerges carrying a notebook in one hand and a roll of toilet paper in the other.

“You okay now?” I ask.

Her head pops up, and her red-rimmed eyes widen. “I-I thought you’d gone home,” she stutters.

Pulling my eyebrows together, I stand up off the bed. “Why would I have gone home?” I’m genuinely confused by her behavior today and press, “Do you
want
me to leave?”

She shakes her head and replies, “No. I mean, yes.” Sighing, she finishes with, “I don’t know what the fuck I want.”

I pull her into my arms, and this time, she doesn’t resist. Her small body sags in my arms. The notebook she’s holding gets crushed between us.

I murmur into her hair, “Baby, I’m not leaving you. Not now. Not
ever
.”

My heart skips a beat when I realize that what I said is the honest truth. I’m not ever letting this woman go.

Her head bobs in what I assume is a nod, and she sinks even deeper into my chest. I walk backward, still holding her tight, until my legs meet the edge of the bed. After settling her on top of me, I roll us to our sides and tilt her chin up.

“Want to talk?” I ask.

She shakes her head, and I don’t press.

Rubbing circles on her back, I listen until her breathing evens out. Not wanting to disturb her, I don’t bother taking her shoes off. Instead, I slowly remove the now crushed roll of toilet paper and the notebook from her hands and place them on her nightstand.

Once I’ve switched the light off, I settle back into place beside her, gathering her close to my chest. Breathing in the scent of her, I close my eyes and find sleep for the first time in days.

A
week after Connor’s funeral, Abby announced that she was taking a job in Seattle and had sold the house.

Furious, I offered twice what it was worth so that Sidney wouldn’t have to move, but she refused, saying that a fresh start was best for both of them. I disagreed, and we argued about it until Sidney stepped in, saying that she didn’t want to stay in the house, either.

Unable to stop the transaction with another buyer from going through, I threw myself into the upcoming move, taking care of as much of it as I could.

The sound of the doorbell wakes me from a restless sleep, and I roll away from Sidney and push out of bed to get dressed.

Sidney mumbles into her pillow, “Who’s here at seven a.m. on a Saturday?”

Leaning over her in the bed, I kiss her head before whispering, “It’s the movers. Don’t worry about it. Just go back to sleep.”

Her eyes fly open, and she springs out of bed, nearly crashing into me. “Movers?” she shrieks.

“Yeah. To start packing up the house,” I reply slowly.

“Why the fuck are there movers here? Who hired movers?”

I run my hand through my hair before huffing, “I did.”

After throwing clothes on and rushing around the room, she stops and puts a hand to her hip. “Why?” Her voice is still high, but she’s no longer shouting.

It seems like all she’s done since we lost Connor is yell, and I haven’t been able to figure out if she’s grieving or if it’s me. I’ve tried talking to her several times, but every time I bring it up, she changes the subject or walks away. I even suggested counseling, but all that did was buy me a night of the silent treatment.

Frustrated by yet another outburst, I shout back, “So you wouldn’t have to worry about it! Fuck, Sidney. You’ve got enough on your plate.”

Her shoulders fall, and she shakes her head. “You’re right. I do. But, Breccan, I can’t have strangers packing my stuff up.” She motions around the room. “I’ll never be able to find it. They just sling shit in boxes and don’t worry about organizing it at all.”

Rolling my eyes, I assure her, “I’m sure it’ll be organized.”

The doorbell rings again.

I turn to go answer it. “But, if you want, I’ll tell them that we’ve changed our mind.”

She sits on the edge of the bed and sighs. Shoulders slumping, she begins picking at her nails. “No. Let them in. They can start in the kitchen.”

I take a step forward and bend down to kiss her, but she looks away and my lips land on her ear. Gritting my teeth, I let out a curse and stalk away to answer the door.

Sidney’s sorting through a box in the kitchen of my apartment three days later when Tripp and Rebecca come walking through the door.

“Knock, knock,” Rebecca calls as she waltzes in, a bottle of wine in each hand. “Who wants wine?”

Struggling to shut the door while holding to-go bags, Tripp grumbles, “No, Reb, I got it. Don’t worry.”

After pushing herself off the floor, Sidney brushes the seat of her pants and looks to me. “What’s going on?”

“We brought dinner,” Tripp answers, waving the bags in the air. “Steaks.”

Sidney’s expression hardens, and she purses her lips together. Crossing her arms over her chest, she narrows her eyes on me.

I was coming down the hall when they walked in but stopped in the doorway when Sidney stood.

“Uh, Breccan called and asked us to pick something up. Hope that’s okay?” Rebecca says, opening one of the wine bottles and pouring a glass. She extends the wine to Sidney, who grabs it, her eyes never leaving me, and takes several gulps.

“Seriously?” she hisses. “I
told
you I was cooking tonight!” She swings her arm, sloshing wine all over her hand. “I’ve got chicken thawing on the fucking counter.”

Dropping the bags on the table, Tripp backs away and says, “Uh, Rebecca. Don’t we have something to do tonight?”

Rebecca’s head bobs, and if it weren’t for the tension in the room, I would have laughed at the sight.

“Yeah,” she says. “We do, actually. Sorry to interrupt y’all.” Turning, she picks up one of the bottles of wine before glancing at Sidney and placing it back on the counter. “I’ll, uh, just leave these here.”

They’re out the door before either of us has a chance to protest.

Rubbing the back of my neck, I ask the ground, “What is your problem lately?”

I didn’t expect Sidney to bounce back to her old self any time soon, but her behavior seems to have little to do with Connor’s absence and more to do with my presence. The only time I’ve seen her visibly upset by anything is if it involves me.

“What did I do this time?” I grumble.

“Everything!” she shouts.

I snap my head up. “Excuse me?”

“Dammit, Breccan. Stop making decisions for me!” She gestures toward the food that’s growing cold on the table. “I didn’t fucking ask for takeout. I told you I was cooking. I—”

“Sidney, you’ve got so much going on. The last thing you need to do is worry about fixing me dinner.” I come to within a foot of her, and while I desperately want to pull her into my arms, the daggers she’s shooting from her eyes root me in place.

Taking a step forward, she screeches, “I wasn’t making dinner for
you
!” She points a finger in my chest. “I need to do something,
anything.
” She wildly waves her hands around before pushing them into her hair. “I’m going crazy sitting around, doing nothing, while you’ve all but taken over my life!” Letting out a strangled cry, she begins to sob and drops to her knees.