Unfixable (14 page)

Chapter Nineteen

I’ve brushed my teeth, ran a brush through my hair, and changed my clothes. In a replay of the night before, Shane is waiting outside for me with the red car. This time, he’s leaning against the passenger side, arms crossed, expression closed off. When he yanks the door open for me and jerks his chin to indicate I should climb in, I sigh and do as he asks. At the very least, I seem to be getting the hang of picking my battles.

He climbs into the driver’s side. “Address.”

I read it off the screen of my phone.

His head drops forward with a curse, telling me Brian and Patrick either live a good distance away, or it’s a bad section of Dublin. I’m betting on the latter. The drive only takes about ten minutes but the atmosphere in the car is so strained, it feels like an hour. Light-years away from the lightheartedness of this morning. I miss it. I miss not having to overthink, and now I’m playing Whack-A-Mole with my worries and insecurities. Did I overstep my bounds? Is he regretting last night, trying to figure out the quickest way to get rid of me?

Part of me is actually a little relieved to think these typical thoughts because they distract me from the big picture. In a week, I won’t be here to run interference between Shane and Faith. To witness this family’s tragedies and victories anymore. I’m just along for the ride.

We pull up in front of a row of connected houses, desperately in need of a paint job. Children are kicking a soccer ball around in the street, using overturned garbage cans as goals. I’m sure to Shane, this looks like poverty. But I’ve seen what poverty looks like, I’ve lived it, and this isn’t it. These people are making an effort. Their cars are clean, they have banners for their favorite sports team hanging in their windows. The kids are laughing, wearing warm jackets.

I follow Shane up the path to a red two-story house. When he knocks, I can hear the laughter inside cut off immediately. He notices it, too, and shakes his head. Without a thought, I reach over and take his hand. He looks at me in surprise, which makes me uncomfortable, so I stare at the door willing it to open. I feel a sudden, fierce need to be on his side here. I’ve said my piece, and I’ve ruined our morning. He’s about to face a firing squad for being a caring brother and dammit, he shouldn’t always have to be the bad guy. Hell, if I’d snuck out without telling Ginger where I was going, she and Derek would have kicked the fucking door down to drag me out of there. Maybe I think he’s overreacting, but he badly needs an ally.

The door swings open and Faith is framed by the peeling, white-trimmed frame. She crosses her arms over her chest, and I notice she’s wearing my Clash T-shirt. Probably not a good time to ask her about it, though, because she looks righteously pissed. “Listen to me well, brother. I’m not setting foot outside this house with you. I’m a grown woman who knows her own mind. Just because I’m your sister doesn’t mean I don’t have womanly desires. I need a boyfriend to get that sorted.”

“Jesus, Faith,” Shane and I say at the same time.

Brian appears behind Faith, laying a calming hand on her arm. “You know, my ma can hear you, love.”

Faith flushes a little, but doesn’t lose her head of steam by any means. “You might as well get in your silly car and drive back to the inn. At the moment, I’m not going anywhere with you. I’ll be in for my shift later, but I’m taking the bus.”

I raise an eyebrow at Shane. He smirks at me before addressing Brian, who for all intents and purposes is cowering behind Faith in the doorway. “Fine. But I’ll have a word with him before I leave.”

That gives everyone pause. Shane is planning on leaving Faith there? I try and get a read on him, but his face gives nothing away. Faith and Brian exchange a perplexed look.

“Whatever you have to say to my boyfriend, you can say in front of me.” Faith’s spine is so straight, I’m positive it will snap at any moment. Brian nods in agreement. Clearly Faith is wearing the pants in this relationship. “You’ll be gone soon, Shane. You won’t be around to chase me across Dublin every time I do something you don’t like. Say what you have to say. I’m old enough to make my own choices.”

His face shows no reaction to that, but his grip on my hand increases fractionally. He nods at Brian. “You’ve had two opportunities now to introduce yourself to me. Once at O’Kelly’s and the other night at the Claymore. If you’re going to date my sister, that’s the least you could do. Maybe even…come to the Claymore for dinner some night. Meet Kitty.” He clears his throat, rolls his shoulders. “It’s just how it should be done.”

Brian gulps audibly. “Right. I’d love to.” He shifts on his feet. “Sorry, man. I didn’t think you’d want me around her.”

“I’m not thrilled about it.” When Faith narrows her eyes at Shane, he holds up a hand. “But I’d feel that way about anyone. She’s my sister. She deserves to have this done properly. Come to the Claymore.”

Without another word, Shane grips my hand tighter and leads me back toward the car. I cast a quick look over my shoulder to see Faith gaping after her brother, mouth hanging open. Inside, I feel the same way. How did I not see that coming? Orla’s words from the other night come back in startling clarity.
Irish men are a complicated sort. They’ll knock you on your arse when you’re not looking.

“Shane!” Faith is running after us on the path. “Wait.”

I let go of his hand and step back just in time for Faith to throw herself into his arms. Over her shoulder, Shane’s startled eyes meet mine. Slowly, his arms band around her, and he holds her close, as if he can’t quite believe what’s happening. What he
made
happen. Unable to watch it for another second, or I’ll burst into tears and ruin the moment, I pull open the passenger side door.

“Beyoncé, are you not staying for tea?” I turn at the sound of Patrick’s voice to find him standing in the doorway, wearing an apron and holding a kettle. “I cleaned the mugs with soap and everything.”

I send an inquiring glance at Shane, who is already shaking his head at me. “I’ve made more than enough concessions for one morning, girl. Get in the car.”

Smiling to myself, I wave apologetically at Patrick and climb inside.

…

When we reach the Claymore, we both seem to be in thoughtful moods. Shane appears a little thunderstruck over the scene with Faith, but every so often, I feel his gaze slide over me from across the car’s console, heating me a little more each time. There’s something different about the way he’s looking at me now, but I can’t figure out what. It’s still ripe with attraction, but there’s speculation now. If I wanted to drive myself crazy, I could analyze that look to death. I’m even feeling close enough to him to ask him straight up. But it’s getting late in the morning, and I know Shane has to set up the bar for lunch. We walk inside to find Orla cutting up lemons, the delicious smell of soup filling the space, courtesy of the new cook, Samuel.

Kitty looks up from wiping down the tables. “Did you find your sister, then? Was it the gypsies that took her?”

“No, Kitty.” Shane’s mouth quirks at one end. “She’ll be along now.”

“Grand.” She props her hands on her hips. “Do you smell that chowder? Samuel is an absolute phenom in the kitchen, he is. I say we’re well rid of Martin.”

Orla, Shane, and I try to keep our amusement hidden, but it explodes from all three of us at the same time, and we’re laughing so hard that Kitty has no choice but to join in. It feels like the tension of the morning is pouring out of me, out of Shane. Our eyes meet and there is something indescribable in his that cuts off my laughter abruptly. With a smile at Kitty and Orla, I head toward the staircase at the back of the pub.

I hear Shane behind me. I’m beginning to expect him to follow me, actually. Something about that certainty is comforting now, instead of exasperating. Knowing he’ll never let me leave a room without giving me something to think about until the next time we’re together. I start to climb the stairs, but change my mind, turning instead to meet him halfway at the center of the hall. As if it’s the most natural thing in the world, he catches me up against him. His mouth is on mine, lips teasing mine open with a low groan. Immediately, my head is spinning and I can’t remember why I’d been walking away in the first place. It’s startling how quickly he can blur every thought in my head, narrow it down to just
him
.

I want more. Want to drag him up to my room and let him take me under again, the way he had only hours ago. When he drops his hands to my bottom and slips them into my back pockets, I make a whimpering sound into his mouth. Shane’s tongue licks out along the seam of my lips, as if to savor the noise, but then he pulls back. I’m momentarily distracted by the layer of fog in his eyes, the new way he’s looking at me. Then I see my phone in his hand.

He presses a few buttons on the screen and pulls up my contacts. I watch as he deletes Patrick’s number from my phone, then hands it back to me.

“You delete the other one.”

I know what he’s talking about. Evan’s phone number. He’s asking me to delete it. It occurs to me then that we’re standing in the exact spot where I told him I still loved Evan. Where he first tried to kiss me. Was it even true then, all those weeks ago? Had I
ever
loved Evan? What I’m feeling now, what transformed inside me last night, compared to what I’d thought of as my first love…it’s like comparing a monsoon to a drizzling rain. One is something you can bear without an umbrella, a nonevent. The other can pick you up, shake you until you scream, and set you down somewhere else. Somewhere new that you don’t recognize.

Shane is a monsoon.

That’s the only description I can give it now. Weather patterns. I’m not willing to go any further than that. Barely one day into this “letting go” phase with Shane and I’m already losing sight of reality. I know one thing for certain, though. I haven’t thought of Evan in days. There hasn’t been a speck of room for him. I could no sooner go back to the relationship I had with Evan than I could forget about Shane, which I instinctively know I never will. Evan has been wiped away so quickly, I wonder if he was ever there at all. If it was just my guilt, the bitter taste of failing someone I cared about, that I’ve been feeling all along.

I’m quiet for a full minute, but Shane doesn’t retreat. Oh no. He backs me up until I hit the wall and plants his hands on either side of my head. “Delete. Him.”

His expression isn’t unreadable now. He’s baring himself to me, daring me not to accept him. It’s anger, passion, and a touch of uncertainty. This is it, the honesty between us that has my fingers moving over the screen, deleting Evan from my phone. When I hit the button, I feel nothing. He was already gone from me.

Shane’s eyes close briefly, before he leans in and drops a single kiss onto my lips. “Now you’ve gone and done it.” I have no time to question that odd statement because he’s walking back toward the pub. “I’m taking off after lunch. Will you be ready for me?”

Pleasure jabs me below the belt at the double meaning I know he intended. “Don’t keep me waiting long.”

“Insatiable little thing, aren’t you?”

“We’ve already established that.”

He winks at me and disappears through the swinging door, working his swagger again. I practically float up the stairs, not bothering to wipe the dopey expression off my face.

Chapter Twenty

“All right, now the first stage of learning how to drive a stick shift is to accept you will stall the car your first few tries. Try not to get frustrated.”

I nod, letting my hand run over the gearshift. Shane is talking in his professional voice and it’s doing funny things to my stomach. “Just call me Zen.”

True to his word, he left the pub after lunch late this afternoon. I’d passed out for a few hours in my room, exhausted from last night and the chaotic emotions of the morning. When I woke, I’d started to pull on my jeans, then changed my mind, putting on the only dress I’d brought to Ireland with me. A soft blue, floral dress that I’d bought once when Ginger begged me to, insisting the color looked good on me. The tags were even still on it, since I’d never worn it. Since I’m sprinting outside of my comfort zone, though, I decided to go all out.

When I heard the knock on my door, I’d pulled it open knowing it was Shane. The appreciative look on his face told me he was debating backing me into the room and forgetting whatever plans he’d made. Instead, he’d dragged me from the room with a curse. Without telling me where we were going, he’d driven us out to Bull Island, to a beach called Dollymount Strand that ran the entire length of the narrow island. The wide shoreline was deserted this time of day, the sun just beginning to set over the water. At first, he’d only planned on showing me the island, walking along the beach, but when I’d admitted I didn’t know how to drive a manual transmission, he’d basically gone apoplectic.

Now, he hooks his hands under my arms and starts to drag me across the console. “Come on over here. I’ll show you the basics.”

A surprised laugh bursts past my lips at the unexpected move. “On your lap?”

“There’s no better place for you.”

He adjusts the steering wheel and driver’s seat so we both fit, choking on a laugh when I elbow him in the ribs. When I finally settle into his lap, both of us gasp a little at how good it feels. The light material of my dress, the way it rides high on my legs doesn’t go unnoticed by him. I can feel his swift response against my bottom. With willpower I didn’t know I had, I swallow the desire to abandon the lesson altogether and simply beg him to unzip his jeans
. Focus. Prove to yourself you’re not a sex-depraved nitwit.
“What if I drive us into the ocean?”

“I wouldn’t let us get that far, babe.”

His smoky voice, laced with just a hint of arrogance, makes me shiver. “All right, tell me the basics.”

“The basics. Right.” With one hand settled possessively on my hip, he uses his other to indicate the gearshift. “The hardest part is learning how to get the car into first gear. That’s what we’re going to focus on now.” His thighs flex underneath me, and I bite my lip hard, attempting to control my breathing. “You have three pedals, instead of two like you’re accustom to.”

I lean back to see under the steering wheel, bringing my back against his broad chest. “Three pedals. Check.”

His hand drifts up my bare left thigh, teasing the hem of my dress. “This one goes on the clutch. The other one on the accelerator.”

I do as he instructs me. “Done,” I say, barely recognizing my own voice. It’s almost impossible not to circle my bottom on his arousal. I want to tilt my head so he can attack my neck. I want him to slip a hand between my legs. But like me, he appears determined to take this as far as we can. We seem to have the same characteristic stubbornness.

“Okay, you’re going to press down on the clutch with your left foot. Good. Now, put the car into first gear.” I do it with a flick of my wrist. “Good girl. With your right foot, ease off the brake and press slowly down onto the accelerator. As you press down on the accelerator, slowly take pressure off the clutch until you feel the gears catch.”

Shit, this is way harder than I thought. I’ve only ever driven my sister’s rusting orange truck, which we lovingly referred to as The General. The hard part had been getting the bucket of bolts to start, but driving it had been relatively easy. This was a whole new ball game. Add the ridiculously hot man beneath me with a hard-on and this is a
Fear Factor
-style challenge. Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes and repeat what Shane said in my head.
Ease off the clutch…slowly press the accelerator…feel the gear catch.

When I open my eyes, we’re moving down the beach.

“Agh!”

“Holy shit. She gets it her first time. I can’t believe it.” Shane is shaking with laughter beneath me, arm banding around my waist as a makeshift seat belt. Obviously, he hadn’t expected the vehicle to move anytime soon. “You’re a bloody natural.”

“What do I do now?” I practically shriek, eyes glued to the stretch of sand in front of me, ocean crashing to my left.

“You relax,” he breathes at my neck. His rough hand slides over mine on the clutch. “You’re going to switch to second gear now. Press down on the clutch as you shift, then switch back to the accelerator, just like the last time. Easy.”

He doesn’t have to instruct me the next time, as I push the car into third gear. We’re moving faster down the beach now. Shane rolls down the window so salty air begins to whirl through the car, lifting the hair off my shoulders and blowing it around my face. Apart from last night, it’s the most exhilarating moment of my life. I’m laughing, I realize. I’m laughing so hard that tears are streaming down my cheeks. Shane’s arm is tight and reassuring around my belly, his chest rising and falling behind me, as if we’re one person.

“Look at you, Willa.” He speaks beside my ear. “This is what you were meant to do. You were meant to go fast. To let go. Same as me.”

“Yes.” It’s only a whisper, but he hears it. I know by the kiss he plants on my shoulder. “Can I go faster?”

His chest rumbles against my back, but I can’t tell if he’s laughing or humming his approval. “Punch it, babe.”

I move the car into fourth gear, then fifth. My hair is like a living thing inside the car, floating around us both, carried on the sea air. There is a rush in my ears. It sounds like the ocean, but I know it’s something else. It’s the same feeling of completion from last night, but now that I recognize it, I let it grow and drown everything else out.

When I see the stretch of beach ending, I’m disappointed, but only for a fraction of second. As soon as the cars rolls to a stop, I’m being turned around on Shane’s lap to face him. I have no time to catch my breath before his mouth is consuming mine. His hands are tangled in my hair, pulling me closer. Our expelled breaths bounce off the inside of the car, joining the rush in my ears to create a sound unique to me. To us.

Dying to get as close to him as possible, I spread my legs as far as the confined space will allow and begin to ride the ridge behind his fly. He moans into my mouth and grips my bottom, urging me to go faster. His hips start pumping upward between my thighs, driving my bottom into the steering wheel so hard, I hear a far-off beeping and know it’s coming from our car.

“No
, no
. I need to get closer,” Shane pants against my mouth, before nearly ripping off the driver’s side door to get it open. He drags me from the car and pushes me back against the hard surface, partially heated by the purring engine. Running his teeth along the line of my neck, he slips his hand between my thighs to massage me through my underwear. “Are you wet enough, girl?”

“Are you kidding me?”

“Thank Christ.” He takes a condom from his pocket, hurriedly freeing himself from his jeans to roll it on. All the while, he’s watching with rapt interest as I drag my panties down my legs. When I start to pull the dress over my head, he stops me. “Leave it. I’m going to make you come in that dress. Then I’m going to fucking burn it.”

Confused by his harshly spoken words, I start to question him, but he hikes me up against the car, propping me there with his hips and drives into me hard. Our simultaneous groans are short-lived because he hooks his arms beneath my knees and yanks my legs higher, making me go light-headed at the pressure of him buried deep inside of me. He bites into my bottom lip and draws it back as he starts to thrust. It’s a different, forceful side to Shane and this new, wild, living thing inside of me responds to it. I dig my fingernails into his shoulders, prop my heels on his ass, and beg for it with my body.

“Is this how it’s going to be?” His breath hitches as I start to match his rhythm, meeting each shove of his hips with a twist of my own. He lets me participate for a moment, then pins me against the car with a growl. “Every goddam time is better than the last. How the hell am I supposed to walk away from that? From you?”

I can’t answer that. Not only because I’m avoiding any thought of us parting ways, but because he’s filling my body over and over, making it so I can’t think beyond the oncoming release. It’s gathering in my belly, and I welcome it by latching onto Shane’s mouth, knowing his kiss will push me the rest of the way. It’s the extra push he needs, too. As soon as my tongue licks into his mouth, I feel him start to shake. Or maybe that’s me. I don’t know…I can’t tell anymore where I stop and he begins. I’m dragging him closer, he’s plastered to my body, and still,
still
, he’s too far away.

“
Shane
,” I sob, my heart feeling paralyzed.

“I know. I
know
,” he grates against me neck, biting the flesh there and finally sending me spiraling. “Let me have it all. No hiding from me.
God,
Willa.”

The car no longer exists behind us, we’re just clinging together as we free-fall. Holding one another as something that goes beyond physical response shudders through me and into him. My chest is squeezing so tightly that I’m gasping for air. I don’t know if there’s a name for what I’m feeling, but I know if he lets me go right now, in this moment, I absolutely will not survive it.

We stay that way for long moments, letting our bodies calm, even if there is no chance of calming our minds or thoughts. I’m wrapped around Shane who has gone so still, I’m starting to feel a little alarmed. Just as I start to ask him if he’s all right, he slams a fist onto the roof of the car, then drops his head onto my shoulder.

“Dammit, Willa. I didn’t see you coming.”

He holds my hand on the ride home, but we don’t say a word.