Unforgiven (3 page)

Samuel followed Jill into the boxlike exam room. She took the gown the nurse left and turned her back to him, undressing and folding her clothes as she pulled it on. He noticed her rounded belly. At twenty-two weeks, she was really starting to show. She left her socks on and put her folded clothes over the arm of the chair, then scooted onto the exam table and waited. Samuel could have taken the chair and sat, and he could have helped her onto the table, too, but he found it easier to stand, to watch.

“So what’s going on, Jill? Why is this the first time I’m hearing you haven’t been feeling well?” Him starting in on her certainly did nothing to break the icy tension between them.

Then the door opened and the doctor walked in. He wore tan dress pants, a white dress shirt, and a tie, and he glanced first to Samuel and then Jill as he closed the door. He was a short man compared to Samuel’s six feet, but he was solid, young, with short dark hair. “Samuel, Jill, thanks for coming right in.” He shut the door and put Jill’s file on the counter beside where Samuel stood, then stepped closer to Jill and flashed a penlight in her eyes. “Tell me again, Jill, about your symptoms.”

“I haven’t felt well, like I’m coming down with the flu. I was dizzy today, and I just don’t feel right—nausea, aches.”

The doctor inserted the ear thermometer, which beeped. “You have a temperature,” he said. He pulled the blood pressure cuff from the wall, slipped it around her arm, and pumped it up. “How long have you not been feeling well?”

“A few weeks,” she said. “I thought it was just morning sickness at first.”

“But you don’t now?” he asked, standing in front of her, just listening to her.

Jill glanced Samuel’s way, sucked her lower lip between her teeth, and then shook her head. “No, because it’s not just nausea. I feel achy now and shaky, weak. I’ve read everything in the pregnancy books, and this is different.”

“Why didn’t you say something, Jill?” Samuel said. He couldn’t help himself. He was mad that she had kept this from him. He hated secrets more than anything. So much of what had happened still lingered between them.

The doctor turned to him and then back to Jill. “I’m going to order a blood test. I want a urine sample and culture, as well. Have you been drinking enough fluids?” He was holding her wrist, staring at his watch.

Now Samuel felt like crap. He should have been looking after her better instead of ignoring her and leaving her to figure out everything for herself.

“Yes, but I forget when working sometimes.”

“You’re still working?” the doctor asked, putting down her wrist.

“Yes, I’m full time. My hours were just increased.”

What the hell? “Since when?” Samuel said. He couldn’t believe she hadn’t told him. “You’re supposed to be taking it easy.” He gestured toward her, and Jill just watched him and softly sighed.

“I didn’t want to bother you.”

Had she really just said that? Now she had that hurt look she always got with him. Sometimes he wished she’d argue with him, stand up to him, but she didn’t fight. She just pulled away.

“Jill, that’s crap. Why are you working so many hours?”

The doctor flipped open her chart and scribbled something down, then handed her a lab requisition. “Jill, for now I’d like you to get as much rest as possible. Make sure you go right to the lab from here, and I’ll call you with the results. I’ll put a rush on them.” Then he pulled open the door and left.

Jill slipped off the exam table, and Samuel reached for the clothes folded over the arm of the chair. “Here, put your pants on.”

Jill took her maternity jeans and pulled them on. Samuel tossed her sweater on the table behind her.

“I don’t understand you, Jill. Why didn’t you tell me you were working full time? I thought your hours were cut and that you’re working mostly from home, or has that changed, too?”

This time she ripped at her gown, pulling it off and tossing it to the exam table in a heap, standing there in her white bra. Her small breasts appeared as if they’d grown again.

“Why should I tell you?” she snapped. “You’ve been so mad at me, you barely speak to me. You work late every night, and you’re gone when I get up in the morning. I feel as if you’re telling me you don’t want to be bothered by the little things. I don’t even know where we are anymore. I’m scared to say anything to you, and I feel as if I’m walking on eggshells around you, so I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s safer to say nothing at all.”

He didn’t know what to say to that. He couldn’t argue that he hadn’t been a prick, but as hard as he’d been on Jill, he thought worse of himself. “Look I’m sorry…” He started to say he hadn’t meant to be like that, but that would have been a lie.

She reached for her sweater and shook it out, showing him the first flash of something other than spinelessness. “Look, I know you were upset that your brothers didn’t show up for our wedding. You still are, I can see the hurt, and I know you blamed me. It was because of me, because of Jake.”

There, she just had to say it. His brother, his little brother, who had moved in on his girl one night after Samuel got cold feet.

“You decided not to marry me, Jill. That was your choice.”

She pulled the sweater over her hair and shook her head, watching him softly. “No, Samuel, there’s no way I could marry you, because you’d blame me, and our wedding would always be that memory of when your brothers never showed. No, I’m not going to be that girl.” She gestured between them with her hand. “I love you, Samuel. I shouldn’t, because you’re so moody that at times I worry that one day you’ll decide you want out again, and…” She swallowed and blinked away the dampness filling her eyes. “I can’t go there again, Samuel, watching from the sidelines and being hurt like that again when you let that woman sit on your lap in the bar. It was humiliating and hurtful, as if you were saying I meant nothing to you and you didn’t have the guts to even tell me.” Her voice shook and took on a hurt he hadn’t heard from her before.

“It was a shitty thing for me to do,” he said. “We’ve been through all this if I could go back and undo what I did that night at the bar, I wish I could, but there’s no do overs Jill, we can only move forward.” He shrugged because he wondered if that were in fact true the day he’d picked up Deena, the stacked bartender who’d filled his nights with some of the best sex he’d ever had. Later, when things settled, he realized he’d already given his heart to Jill—but by then she was with his brother. He still couldn’t believe his brother had given her a shoulder to cry on, but then, he’d been there that night in the bar, tagging along as he always did, a third wheel, before moving in on her. Samuel shut his eyes and shook the thought away as he glanced down at her swollen belly, at the child that could be his or his brother’s. “I’m not the same. You’re not the same,” he said.

“Aren’t we, though?” she said before looking away, reaching for her coat.

Instead of answering, he reached for the door, taking a look at the time. “Ah, shit.” He’d never make it back in time unless he ran the entire way, and arriving sweaty wouldn’t look good. He started out the door and glanced back at Jill. “I have to go now. Are you okay to…” He gestured to the paper she was holding.

“To get my arm stuck with a needle and pee in a cup? I’m pretty sure I can manage that myself.” She brushed past him.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you at home,” he said to her as he followed her out and she jabbed the button for the elevator. Samuel didn’t have time to wait. “I’m going to take the stairs.”

She didn’t seem surprised. She looked up at him with such sad eyes and nodded softly. Of course, the only thing that did, as he raced down the stairs, was make him feel like a jerk.

***

Jill loved her job at Boeing. She loved spending hours typing data into spreadsheets, analyzing figures, performing all the administrative tasks that went along with her job. It was the type of job that gave her a lot of satisfaction. She loved the fact that her boss had seen what an asset she was to the team, because without her and what she brought to the table in business operations, the team leaders wouldn’t be half as effective. She’d been rewarded with more hours and pay, neither of which she’d shared with Samuel.

She shoved her key in the lock of Samuel’s one-bedroom condo. It was only five hundred square feet, and what little she’d moved in had made this small space cramped and overcrowded. Her clothes were crammed into the small closet with Samuel’s, piled on his dresser, and the living room was so small that the sofa, easy chair, and love seat were almost touching one another, with books and papers piled on the bookshelf, leaving little room to walk around. No, they really had to consider sooner rather than later the need to move.

She closed the door and hung her keys on the hook. If she could only get Samuel to use the hook. He was so disorganized at times, and she more often than not would pick up his keys and hang them up from wherever he tossed them. He was coming in from work later and later every night.

She noticed the message light on the phone flashing. It couldn’t be the doctor, as she’d just left the lab. Work, maybe, but then, she’d taken the day off. It was hard to work with the nausea and the slight headache she was feeling, and she was tired, shaky. She wanted to lie down and sleep for a few hours, but then she would be thinking endlessly of who called.

She peeled off her short trench coat and hung it in the closet, then slipped off her shoes. Squatting down, she lifted the black loafers and put them on the second shelf of the shoe rack, which also belonged to her.

Cramped spaces became junkyards quickly without some type of logical system of organization. She glanced at the kitchen table, which also served as a desk. Her notepad laptop and case of pens were neatly stacked, whereas Samuel’s mail, papers, and whatever receipts he’d pulled from his pocket spilled all over the surface. She sighed as she grabbed the phone and listened to the voicemail. She started sorting his papers into a neat pile when the first message played.

“Jill, if you get this message, it’s Jeff here. Carl is meeting with the VP of finance tomorrow, and he needs your final report. I know he said he didn’t need it until Friday, but the meeting was moved up. Hope you feel better. Call me back.”

“Great.” She deleted the message. She wanted to lie down, but that would have to wait. She needed to finish that report. She’d already compiled all the data; she just needed to input everything into a spreadsheet, do a final summary, and then email it off. She figured it would take most of the night to finish, but then she’d be done.

Next message: “Jill, sorry to leave you like that—ah, call me when you hear back from the doctor.” She heard a woman in the background saying something to Samuel. “Uh, listen, I’m going to be late, so don’t wait up. But call me as soon as you hear from the doctor.” He hung up then like he always did, without a goodbye. Short, sweet, and to the point.

The story of her life, especially as of late.

Before she could put the phone down, it rang again. “Hello?”

“Jill.” That was all he said before her knees started shaking.

She pulled out the kitchen chair and sat down. “Jake.” She was about to ask how he was, if he was still seeing that girl…what was her name? Oh yeah, Chris, the cheerleader.

“I haven’t heard from you or Samuel and wanted to see how the baby is doing.”

Of course it was the baby, the baby that could be his.

“Fine, good.” She should tell him she had been in today to see the doctor, but she knew Samuel wouldn’t be happy. No, he’d be furious she was even talking to Jake now.

“I was just reading up that there’s a blood test you can have now that will show who the father is. It’s just a matter of you giving some blood and then Samuel and me as well.” He sounded so distant, not the close confidant he had always been, someone she had leaned on. She missed him.

“I guess you want to know.” Of course he did. She had known about the test, too, but if she was being honest, she was afraid to find out who had fathered the baby. If it was Jake, she feared that would be enough for Samuel to finally walk away for good.

“Yeah, Jill, we really need to know. For all of us, Jill. If this is Samuel’s baby, then I’m out of your life for good. If it’s not…”

He didn’t have to finish. She knew he was the kind of man who wouldn’t walk away, and that was what scared her. She wasn’t sure whether it was having him out of her life for good or the idea of seeing him and being part of his life that bothered her.

“I know, you said you won’t walk away, and you won’t let Samuel be the father.”

“No, Jill, not if it’s mine.”

She sighed. “Okay.” She was tired of fighting the inevitable anyway.

“Great. Do you want me to arrange it?” He sounded suddenly very happy. Obviously he wanted to move on.

Jill swallowed back a wave of nausea. “You know what? I had a blood test today. I’ll talk to my doctor, see how to arrange it.” She swallowed back the rising bile. “I—”

She never finished. She dropped the phone and stumbled to the bathroom as she was hit by a strange dizziness, and her vision blurred before she reached the bathroom and lifted the lid on the toilet. She threw up.

***

“I knew you were going to do this to me, you jerk.” Erin was dogging his heels into his office, chewing his ass out for being ten minutes late for the deposition. She closed the door as Samuel tossed the file on the desk.

“Look, I’m sorry. I could have run the whole way and walked in all sweaty, but I’m sure none of you would have appreciated that.” No, that kind of thing was frowned on in any sort of professional situation.

“I told you you’d be late and not to go.” She let out a very unladylike growl. “I didn’t know what to do and wasn’t prepared to lead the deposition. You left me sitting there with my thumb up my ass.”

Evidently, she still hadn’t calmed down from when he’d hurried in ten minutes late to find the opposing counsel with his client’s husband waiting at the conference table, checking his watch, looking rather annoyed. Thankfully, Erin had kept Samantha in his office.