Uninvolved (11 page)

Nate
turned on to his back to look up at her
.
Becka
lowered herself back down
,
and he pulled her onto him
.
She could feel how hard he was through his pants and rubbed against him
.
It was almost like a sw
itch flipped in her brain
.
He
wants me
, she thought
. Becka had
learned to see
sex as a way to push away any feelings she could not deal with. Sex was simple
.
It
was everything else that Becka tried to avoid
. In
moments where she
was certain someone wanted her,
Becka felt good about herself.

Sitting up
,
Becka
went to remove his belt
,
but
Nate
put his hands on top of hers to stop he
r
.
She looked at him confused
.
W
hy was he stopping her
?
Laying her back down
,
he covered her once again with his rock hard body
.
Moving
his hands
back down her
,
he slowly pulled her underwear down
,
dropping them beside the bed.

Gently biting her ear
lobe
,
he lowered his hand to her thighs
,
and
his fingers
slowly began
teasing and
tormenting her there
.
She moaned, she bucked, she held her br
eath and then cried out
.
I
t felt so good
.
Once
Nate
was certain she was done
,
he pulled
her
gently to him and kissed her soft
ly
.
Becka
was no virgin
.
During
High School
and since then
,
she had slept with a handful of guys
.
None of them, not one
,
had ever come anywhere close to how
Nate
had just made her
feel
.
Blinking
at him
,
Becka
knew she was in trouble.

"I should probably take off."

That must have been the last thing
Becka
had expected to hear from
him
.
"What, like
,
leave now?
" Becka
asked
,
confused.

She didn’t want him to leave
.
Becka thought he liked her
.
She
had felt his attraction.
This had never happened before. Did she do something wrong? What the hell?
She wanted him to stay
,
so she could snuggle up to him and wake up to him in the morning
.
They could have an awesome day of doing very bad things to each other
.
But he was already standing and putting his shirts back on.

"
Nate
, you should stay
.
It's so late."
Becka
sat up and crossed her arms over her chest.

Seeing her expression
,
he laid her back down
,
slowly kissing her neck and said
,
"We both know if I stay
there
is
no way
either of
us
will get any sleep."

"Is there a problem with that?"
Becka
asked
.
She
was not going to let him go so easily.

He laughed
and kissed her, running his hands
up and down her
arms
.
He breathed in her ear.
"Don’t be annoyed at me."
He got
back up to button his shirt.

This was a situation Becka had never been in
.
N
ever had she ever been completely naked with a guy
,
and they didn’t have sex. What did this mean?
She felt uncomfortable,
replaying
their time together in her head.
She sat up as well and
,
pouting
,
scooted off her bed to grab
a cute silk robe she never had the occasion
to
wear
.

She had bought it months ago
,
certain it would be so sexy to walk around in
,
and it was
.
It also provided little warmth
,
so she still used her fuzzy terry cloth robe
instead
on
most days
.
Once her robe was securely tied
,
she walked to her bathroom, patting
Nate
on the butt on the way past him
.
If he wanted to leave
,
that was fine
,
she thought to herself
.
She
was just going to show him that it
did not bother her one bit.

Becka
went to her bath
room and dragged her brush through
her hair, undoing any tangles that had formed during their…
S
he wasn’t really sure what to call it
.
They didn't have sex
.
He
never even took off his pants
.
From the bathroom
,
Becka
went to the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of flavored water
.
Nate
was not far behind her, so she offered him one as well
.
He declined and opted instead to take a deep swing of hers
.
She drank after him and
felt silly for being turned on by the idea that his lips had just been there.

Becka
walked him to the do
or
.
He leaned her again
st
that same
wall
, more
gently this time
.
Nate
kissed her slowly
.
She
set down her bottle of water so she could wrap both arms around his neck
.
She still
could not understand why he
was actually leaving
.
There were some guys she
practically had to throw out the next day
,
and the one that she wanted to stay was leaving in the middle of the night
.
His hands moved
again to her breasts,
molding them through the thin fabric of her robe.

"Keep doing that
,
and I'll drag you back to my room
,
" she whispered in his ear.

"You make i
t hard to stop
,
k
id
.
"

Did he just really call her
k
id
?!

"Then don't
,
" she murmured
,
kissing his neck.

But he did
.
After kissing her once more
,
he was gone
, and she was left wanting more
. She didn’t want to like him, just wanted to sleep with him
. That way
,
she could get him out of her head.
Becka
went back to her room and put on her coziest
PJ
s, drank the rest
of her water
,
and went to bed.
It was almost impossible for her to fall asleep. Literally, what the hell had just happened?
Why did he leave?
Becka
glanced at her clock, it was after midnight. Nate had been her first kiss of the New Year
, it was bittersweet
.
At some point during her self
-
doubt party of one
,
she
nod
ded
off.

Chapter 4

When she woke the next morning
,
Becka
had to convince herself that the night before wasn’t just a super hot dream
.
Becka
looked at the call log
on her phone
.
Yep, all those missed calls were still there
.
It just felt so surreal to her
.
She wanted to call him, invite him over
.
Or better
,
she wanted hi
m to call her
.

Later on in the week with no call from Nate and feeling more confused than ever
,
she called Lilly.
After hearing the whole story
,
Lilly didn’t have an idea what his deal was either
.
Lilly even had a theory that maybe
Nate
and his girlfriend had been on a break and got back together after New Year's
.
That was the only way she could explain the
lack of
contact
.
Becka
didn’t even hear
from him for the next week
.
Then
one day at work
,
he emailed.

How are you?

You're kidding
,
right?

What?

Um, long time no talk…

I know.

That's real nice.

Is something wrong?

Maybe

Are you going to tell me?

You already know.

I do?

You should.

I guess I'll talk to you later.

This was bad, very bad. Becka liked him.
Becka normally avoided relationships as a rule. Her first real boyfriend has left her with serious trust issues. Since then
,
Becka was content being single
.
It
was easier that way. Most of the time
,
Becka had no problem separating being attracted
to
someone from liking them. In her mind
,
liking someone was one step closer to trusting them
.
That
was something she did not feel
comfortable do
ing.
It was easier for her to just
keep
her distance and bail when emotions started surfacing. It scared her that she was having a hard time not thinking about
Nate
.

In her experience, getting close enough to someone to where she felt this faux sense of trust normally led to her getting hurt.
It wasn’t like she didn’t
trust any
one
.
There
was Dave and her sister and even Lucy and Crystal. It was guys in general Becka did
not
want to feel vulnerable around.
Maybe it had something do with being in control of the situation. If she had no intention of liking someone
and
they did not call her or text her
,
Becka didn’t care. With
Nate
,
it already felt like she was losing so
me
semblance of that control.

It was hard not to get sucked into the past and thinking of the times she had been hurt.
Her first serious boyfriend
,
Aaron
,
had done a number on her emotionally. Becka decided that
,
after finally being free of him
,
that a serious relationship was only an invitation for someone to mistreat her again. She was perfectly content dating
.
It
was fun
,
and she was really good at getting out before
anyone's
feelings could get hurt.
It was a defense mechanism for her
.
Normally,
thinking about past wrongs would further cement Becka in distancing herself from someone. What bothered her so much was it didn’t seem to be working. That was a first, thinking the eventual hurt would be worth seeing him again. Was it because
Nate
had left the way he had? It almost made him an enigma or curiosity for Becka to unwind.