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I shook away the thought as I wiped, gasping.

“Oh, my God!”

I looked at the soaked toilet paper in my hand. We didn’t use a condom! The thought never popped in my mind-
that’s
how out of it I was.

I chucked the paper in the bowl and flushed just as he knocked on the door.

“Are you alright?”

“Y-yes,” I said in the most confident voice I could muster.

But I was definitely not alright. I was over the deep end. For someone with a newfound respect for life, I was acting dangerously and foolishly.

I turned the shower on and washed away my sin, my filth, my shame. But when I stepped out after re-doing my tangled bun, I still didn’t feel any better.

He sat on the couch when I emerged, and I spun on my heels to go in the opposite direction, bumping into a wall as I stumbled in the kitchen.

I could feel his presence in the kitchen before I saw him. I tensed when he grabbed my arm, chuckling to myself. How could I be uptight about his hand on my arm after what we’d just done?

“What is it?”

“I think you should go,” I said, jerking out of his grasp.

He grabbed my waist and spun me around, smacking my back against the fridge. I avoided his gaze, my cheeks hot from embarrassment.

He gripped my chin and lifted my face from the ground, forcing my eyes to meet his blazing gaze.

“Tell me what you’re feeling.”

I sighed, relenting after my attempt to get away yielded me not an inch.

“I’m mortified, Derek. Th-that’s not who I am. Despite the fact that you and I will never see each other after we leave Colorado, I don’t want you to think of me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like a whore
.
”

I didn’t want him to think I was loose, but actions spoke louder than words. And my actions were as
clear
as day.

He finally released me, leaning against a counter.

He shrugged. “Thought never crossed my mind. Were you able to put your repression-induced guilt aside long enough to enjoy yourself?”

I chewed on my lip, looking away. Not only did I enjoy myself,
it was
the most amazing thing I’d ever experienced. But I couldn’t tell him that. I couldn’t admit that because it would give him another opening, and that meant another chance for it to happen again.

He smoothed back my less than perfect bun. “You don’t have to answer. Your body gave me all the answers I needed to know.”

I stepped away, mortified at how I’d lost control. But he pulled me back to him, my heart racing from the close touch despite my shame.

“I know it’s a lot to sort through, Shae. You’ve probably spent your entire life avoiding your sexuality; you have a lot to process. What happened was natural, and I don’t want you to feel guilty about it. And while you may be uncomfortable with your body, trust me you have no reason to be. You’re an incredibly fucking sexy woman, and I can’t wait to open you up even more.”

More? There was
more
he could do? There was no way he’d be able to make me feel more incredible than he’d already done. Suddenly, I was curious. And just as fast, I felt guilty about my curiosity.

I gave him a weak smile, but didn’t respond.

“You’ll be okay. Trust me.”

Ignoring my request for him to go, he grabbed an apple from the fruit bowl on the counter.

“You’re not leaving, are you?”

He planted a wet kiss on my cheek. “Nope. Let’s go watch a movie. Hey, maybe I should stay over tonight?”

I shook my head. “No way.”

“Aw, no sleepovers yet, huh?”

“Or ever,” I replied as he took another bite of his apple.

Still partially in a trance, I sat on the couch, narrowing my eyes as he sat so close to me, our thighs touched. It appeared my personal bubble was no longer a factor with us. My body was exhausted, and I quickly found myself dozing while in my sedentary state.

Halfway through the movie, I fell asleep. When I woke, the movie was over, and it was dark outside. I looked down; Derek’s head was on my lap and he was curled up in a ball, old cold. I slipped from under him, covering his body with a blanket.

Nice try, Mr. Anderson. I said no sleepovers.

I went upstairs to my bedroom, falling back asleep immediately.

I didn’t know if I should have been offended that he was gone when I woke up the next morning. Above all else, I was thankful. I wanted to be alone. I groaned loudly the second I attempted to get out of bed, my sore skin a reminder of the previous evening’s indiscretion.

I almost didn’t want to look at myself in the mirror, and regretted it as soon as I did. My neck and chest were covered in bites that marred my smooth, chocolate complexion. I’d never had a hickey in my life, and I didn’t want to start now.

Despite my negative emotions over the ordeal, when I inspected myself closely in the bathroom mirror, I saw a glow to my skin. Trailing my fingers over the tender marks, I smiled as I recounted the previous day.

I’d never understood what the big deal was about sex. It was nice, but I didn’t get why people were so obsessed with it. But that was before I’d been with Derek.

What I experienced with him was literally indescribable. It was nothing short of… orgasmic.

I gasped, chewing on my lip as I came to terms with the fact that it was my first orgasm-
orgasms
, to be correct. I enjoyed having sex with Reggie, but he’d never made me feel like
that.
How pathetic was I?

I’d finally experienced true pleasure, and it was with a man I could never do it with again. My psyche couldn’t endure any more disgrace.

The weight of my decision began ruining my pleasant reminiscence, and I had to push the bad thoughts away. I didn’t want to tarnish one of my few good experiences in recent memory.

I cleared my throat, straightening my posture. My day was already going to be stressful as my mind raced; I couldn’t make it worse by feeling guilty about my decision.

I pulled my hair into a high bun and started the shower. I just needed to begin my daily routine and forget about everything.

A note waited for me in the kitchen from Derek:
Had to run out. Will be back later :)

Halfway through breakfast, my phone rang. My mother had been calling me twice a day, and she wasn’t going to stop until I answered. Now was as good a time as any.

“Hello?”

“Good Lord, Shae. I was starting to think something happened to you!”

I took a bite of my dry toast, not speaking until I finished chewing. “Well… something
did
happen to me.”

She scoffed. “I’m so sorry, baby. I wish I could pull you into a hug to comfort you right now, but I went to do that at your house, and you weren’t there! Where are you?”

“At the cabin in Colorado. Figured it was a good time to get away.”

“How are you feeling?”

Should I have told her about my suicidal thoughts? My hopelessness? My completely irrational behavior the night before? What could she do for me if I told her I was falling apart? I didn’t want to hear her pity; I just wanted to be left alone.

“I don’t know how to answer that.”

“I feel so powerless. I’m your mother, and there’s nothing I can do for you.”

“It’s alright, Mom. What I need right now is some time for myself. Thank you for checking up on me, but I’m okay. I’ll talk to you soon, alright?”

“Have you talked to your sister yet?”

I choked on my sip of coffee. “Why would I do that?”

“Oh baby, family is the most important thing we have- I’ve always taught you that. You two will make up, I’m sure.”

“Okay,” I said, my voice as dry as my unbuttered toast. “Bye, Mom.”

I hung up before she could continue. I loved my mother, but sometimes she really had her head in the clouds. And I just wasn’t in the mood to appease her unrealistic expectations at the moment.

My heart sank in my chest as I heard fumbling at the front door. I thought I’d have more time before I’d have to face Derek again.

I blinked back my frustration. I knew I was going to have to see him eventually. If for no other reason, his skis were still perched by the front door, and I knew he’d come to retrieve them.

My skin flushed hot. I didn’t know what to say to him, I didn’t even know if I was going to be able to look at him again. Last night, I was in a tizzy. My body and mind had a chance to recover overnight, and I was thinking clearly once more.

The tiny bit of hunger I had vanished as my brain scrambled for ideas on what to say. When the doorknob jiggled, I jumped up. He was the property owner, so of course he had a key, but barging in was unacceptable.

When the door opened, my heart dropped. I thought Derek was the last person I wanted to see, but I was so wrong.

Reggie and Danni stopped dead in their tracks as soon as they stepped through the door.

7

“Shae? What are you doing here?”

As soon as he said my name, a ball of bile rose in my throat. Seeing them together-
again
- made me sick to my stomach.

I ignored his question. “I thought you were going to Mexico?”

He put his hands in his pockets, taking a few steps closer to me. “It was supposed to be next week. But since you burned my passport, we had to delay it until I get another. I thought we would come here instead.”

I folded my arms, avoiding eye contact with the whore behind him. “Well, I’m here, so you two are going to have to find somewhere else to go.”

“But we’re already here.”

“So what?” I said, my voice getting louder with each reply.

“Well…
I
paid for this trip, so…”

I took two large steps towards him, close enough to point my finger in his face. “I don’t care! I was here first.
I’m
here!”

Danni grabbed his arm and pulled him back. “Let’s just go. She can stay here.”

I pointed my finger at the whore. “Shut up, Danni! No one is talking to you!”

Their eyes widened at my out-of-character outburst. But I’d had it. And I didn’t care what they thought of me.

Danni held her hands up. “Shae, I’m on your side; we can leave.”

I threw my hands in the air. “You think giving me the cabin for a week will ease your guilt about stealing my fiancé? I don’t need your help, and you two can just get out of here.”

“Shae, let’s talk about this-”

Hearing her voice made me lose all composure. I shoved her hard, causing her to fall to the floor. I marched over to the front door, planning to open it for them to leave, but then I spotted Derek’s ski poles. I grabbed one, hovered over Danni, and swung the pole down across her torso, her high-pitched scream echoing throughout the room.

Reggie reached for me after my second hit and I jumped away, cracking the ski pole against the side of his neck. He fell back, clutching his throat as I whipped Danni three more times before she was able to grab the pole and yank it away.

“Ugh!” I grunted loudly as I paced back and forth in the living room, trying to calm myself down.

One thing about me was that I considered myself to be more poised than the average person. I held myself to a higher regard than I did most other women. I was always on time to events, composed and appropriately dressed, and I didn’t let my emotions get the best of me. I preferred the order of rules over the chaos of emotions.

But that version of me was nowhere to be found.

I took a few deep breaths as Reggie tended to his new beau, my heart rate slowing by the time she carefully got back on her feet.

“I apologize for my outburst,” I said once they made eye contact with me. “Here’s what we can do: I’ll leave in two days, and you two can stay the next four. That way, we will have had equal time here. I’m sure you can find a hotel in town until then.”

“I’m not interested in compromise after that stunt you just pulled, Shae,” Reggie said. “You can leave.
Now.
The rental agreement is in my name, so I have final say. If you want, we can get the police involved.”

My eyes narrowed, but I took a deep breath before responding. My eyes trailed over Danni’s hunched form as she leaned against Reggie, fighting to catch her breath.

“There’s no need for this to get any uglier than it already has.”

“Great. We’re going to go explore the town. I expect you will be gone when we come back in an hour.”

“Of course,” I said through gritted teeth.

As soon as they left the cabin, my hands began trembling. My cheeks scorched red, hot from a mix of embarrassment and anger.

I clomped upstairs to pack, my head beginning to throb from my clenched jaw. I grabbed my suitcase and the neatly folded clothes from the drawers, refolding each piece before putting them in the proper place in my luggage.

A bottle fell to the floor. I bent over, picking up the container of pills, my lips curled into a painful frown. I studied the prescription information on the label, as if I hadn’t read it a million times before.

My original plan. The pills that were going to end it all. It seemed like so long ago, but seeing Reggie brought all the morbid feelings back to the surface.

Opening the child-proof lid, I inspected the little white pills. It would’ve been so easy to swallow them, so easy to make all my pain go away: Reggie, my fiasco with Derek, the lingering memories of my past. So easy.

I plucked a pill out of the bottle, rolling it between my fingers. Placing it to my lips, I opened my mouth to take one- my prescribed dosage. But I wasn’t in the business of taking the easy way out. Not anymore.

I was going to heal from Reggie, forgive myself for Derek, and move on without having to use a pill to help myself temporarily feel better. A change I was making to the Old Shae was to face my problems head on- the right way.

Dropping the pill back in the bottle, I chucked it in my suitcase. As I turned to check out the closet, my vision blurred. I cleared my throat and straightened my outfit, locking my body in place until I regained my self-control once more. After wiping away the single tear that managed to bead from my eye, I got back to packing.