Unmistakable (37 page)

We’ve rented a Farmhouse for a week for our wedding and honeymoon. Our nearest and dearest will share the farmhouse with us, while our friends will stay at a bed and breakfast down in the valley. With a beer in hand, I watch the sun set between two mountains as I replay everything that’s happened in my life with Roxy. It’s hard to go down memory lane without touching the most painful parts of us. At times, I find it consoling, knowing we were able to get over it with our love intact, and at times, I find it too painful when I realize that during the toughest time of her life, I abandoned her. It’s a constant struggle to convince myself it was all part of God’s plan. The memory of my proposal is still as clear in my mind as the day it happened.

I know, she’s going to read the box of letters her dad apparently left her on her birthday. Why she wants to torture herself, I’ll never know. I suppose, because most of the letters are birthday cards from past birthdays. That’s why I decided to propose to her today, so I could replace bad memories with good ones. I find her in our room on the bed, a small chest with its lid open on her lap, while reading a card. I lean against the wall, watching her as she cries again over lost time and wasted moments, while I wait for her to find ‘the’ box. Ten cards in, and she finds it. For the longest time, she just holds it, then I decide to walk toward her. Kneeling on the floor, looking up at her sweetly perched on the bed, I tip my head for her to open it.

“Go on, love; open it.”

Deliberately, she does and the moment she sees the French set halo diamond engagement ring nestled safely inside, she cries yet again.

“I chose this moment to ask you to marry me, to be my wife, to be my hope and to be my everything, because I want you to always remember when you cry tears of regret or pain, soon after tears of joy will escape those precious eyes. You’ve made me a better man, love. Will you make me a complete man…please, say yes?”

She tosses the chest full of her dad’s cards aside, drops on the floor, and latches on to me as though I’m her savior, causing me to land flat on my back and my love on top of me. Instinctively, we interlace our fingers as she moves our twined arms over my head, connecting us in one of the most intimate of ways. Over and over again, she shows me how much she loves me by her words and her lips. Right then, I knew, I made the right choice asking her this way.

“Yes! Yes, to being your wife…yes, to marrying you…yes, to being your hope as you are mine and yes, to being your everything, because you’re most definitely mine.”

That night ended the way I planned it. No fuss, no elaborate preparations, just my love and me on the floor loving on each other, sharing ourselves with each other.

My perusing comes to a halt when LT stands next to me armed with his own beer.

“Nice place, bro. It’s so peaceful here.”

I smile as I take a long pull from my bottle. “I’m just glad Roxy approved it. It took me months of damn research to find this place. She’s always loved the outdoors, so this worked out fine.” I laugh out loud after remembering what happened yesterday. “You were there when she started running around singing ‘The Hills Are Alive’, Julie Andrew’s style, right?”

Chuckling as he remembers that episode, he says with a slightly sad tone, “I’m just glad she’s smiling again, Cody. For a while there, I thought I’d never see it.”

Our eyes lock in agreement about feeling the same kind of fear when it comes to Roxy. I’m glad to share the same concern with him. It gives me a sense of security knowing someone will catch my love when I can’t.

“Thanks for forgiving me, LT. I know, I fucked up.” I break our stare down, swinging my gaze toward the mountains.

“I was mad at you, make no mistake about that. Because, whenever she’s hurt, I hurt too, and my mom hurts more. I’ll stop at nothing to protect those two. They’re my life, but at the same time, I got why you were mad too, and now…” Looking at his watch. “…actually tomorrow, she’ll be yours to protect and cherish. I know, you’ll do it well, and without question, so there’s no fear right here…” He says, tapping his head. “…and this….” He says, tapping his chest. “…this is at peace. I want you to promise me that when it comes to your soon to be wife, which is my sister, and your soon to be mom, which is my mother, you’ll stand toe to toe with me to watch over them.”

I nod confidently with a solemn vow along with it, “You have my word.”

Nodding once himself, he says, “Then, my job is done.”

He extends his hand, and I take it. At this moment, the fears and doubts of life dissipates quickly, knowing I’ll navigate this hard life with one of the most loyal, dedicated human beings God created, just like my two best friends walking our way. Jake and Brian walk out with a bucket full of beer buried in ice.

“What’s with the face, Jake?”

Brian laughs as he hits Jake’s shoulder. “Bro, you need to calm your shit. Aren’t you happy you can have a few moments of peace and quiet? I mean, we’ve had a very hard year. It’s nice to shoot the shit, just hang loose.”

“I feel so incomplete without all of them. It’s like a part of me is missing.” Jake sadly says but grins after. “But, I have this…” Showing us the baby monitor. “…so, when one of them cries, I’ll know.”

“Dude, they’re in the second master suite, on the other side of this farmhouse. They’re fine.”

“Cody, you don’t know how I feel, man. When you have your kids, you’ll want to be with them all the time. What’s more amazing is seeing my wife with pure happiness on her face. In that completeness, I somehow have something to do with it. I pray you guys can experience that, because it’s what makes life worth living.”

Just then, we hear Trish’s voice come through the monitor.

“Roxy, what do you love the most about Cody?”

“That’s easy, his healing touch and forgiving heart. God knew, it’s what I needed in a partner. I thank God for him every day, more so now, after I almost lost him. What about you with Jake?”

Hearing her describe what she loves about me just about made me want to cry like a bitch, because I know her love for me isn’t superficial…it’s deep…it’s lasting and unmistakable.

“The strength and unselfishness of his heart, hands down. He always tells me that his love, and our love is unbreakable. Even through his sickness, his strength lifted me up. His strength gave me hope. Through my heart break with Dylan, he was unselfish in his time and support. He waited until I was ready, he’s the most self-sacrificing man I’ve ever met. His dedication to me and our children is beyond words…beyond words. What about Brian, Tami?”

We look at Brian, while waiting for Tami’s response. It seems she’s thinking long and hard while, my boy, Brian is staring into space, probably asking himself what’s got her so quiet.

“I think…um…” Tami begins to speak, but is immediately cut off by a loud demanding cry. The kind that says I need my shit right now, and Jake…Jake goes running as if someone lit up his ass.

I point at Brian, “That right there is a cock block! I bet you that’s Tyler! I guess, you just have to wait, my man.”

With Jake leaving, both Brian and LT excuse themselves, while I continue to stand here and stare into space. I’m enjoying the overwhelming sense of peace my heart and mind are in. I can’t wait to make Roxy my wife, and after talking about baby bumps and shit, I can’t wait to get her pregnant. I want to see her glow with my child inside her…I want it more than anything.

I’m lying in bed when my mom walks in with a muffin and a cup of milk. The smile that spreads on my face is, well, priceless.

“Got you your fave, baby girl.”

“Thanks, mom.”

“How are you?”

Smiling at my mom, I answer, “I’m good, mom. Really, really good. I feel so light, so sure, just so happy that I’m marrying the man who saved me, not once, but twice. I know, he’ll continue to save me from here on out.”

“I’m so happy for you. But, I’m most thankful that God allowed me to be here. This moment only ever existed in my imagination, Roxy. Now that it’s happening, my heart is just overflowing with happiness.” Holding my face with so much love in her eyes, she says, “I love you, so much, baby girl. You deserve this, so bask in it, and savor everything, so you can share this moment with your own children someday.”

I just nod at her, my emotions getting the best of me.

“I know, you’ve been through a lot, especially these past couple of months, but don’t look back and feel bad for yourself. Instead, be grateful you’ve made it through all the pain with Cody, but more than anything, don’t forget who walked next to you. Always remember the moment when He carried you and held you in His loving arms. Treasure that moment, baby girl, so one day, you can tell your kids, how during hard times you stayed faithful, because He is faithful.”

My mom hugs me before she leaves, leaving me more at peace with myself. The pain of the past is just that…the past. It belongs there, because I’m leaving it there. It’ll remain forgotten if you ask me, but if and when it rears its ugly and unforgiving head, I know who I can run to…and run to Him, I will.

Today is the day. It’s go time for me, and I can’t wait. I’m ready…as ready as I’ll ever be. I look at myself in the mirror, and I see a contented man, one that’s full of love and excitement. I’m rocking the outfit my love picked for me. Light brown linen slacks and a white button down shirt rolled up to my forearms. I want today to be only about my love. I just want her to feel loved….to feel appreciated, but above all else, I want her to feel cherished.

I’m playing with the pearl cuff bracelet strung on an elastic band that belongs to my mother. It would symbolize something old and borrowed in one shot and in a way, it’s my way of including my parents in my wedding. A moment such as this, important times in my life, is when I miss my parents terribly. However, I learned to accept that reality in a less painful way by remembering how they wanted me to be happy, and in this moment….I am happy.

I head out to the porch, and with a head nod from our drill sergeant of a wedding planner, I walk toward a wrought iron gazebo that has four arches and star shape lights running from the roof, attached to three wooden poles opposite of each other, enclosing the seating area. I stand next to an antique table that has a crystal heart shape vase that has white sand in it, that’s resting on a cast iron stand. Next to it are two small clear cylinder vases that has blue sand in one and pink sand in the other. As I admire the symbolism of the sands, a hard squeeze on my shoulder breaks my reverie. I turn and see the man that practically raised my love to be the strong woman she has become.

“Can I have a word with you, son?”

“Of course, Gunny. This day wouldn’t be complete without us having this talk.”

“I’ve always feared losing someone that’s close to my heart. Not because I don’t believe they can take care of themselves, but because I don’t want to have that gaping hole in my heart. It’s hard knowing I’m not their defender anymore, but rather just a spectator in their life. However, I’m also wise enough to know that their love for me is so much different than their love for their partner. I’m giving her to you, now, to sacrifice more for her than I did. To take care of her fiercely, forsaking everything. To support her tirelessly and endlessly. But, more than anything, I’m giving her to you to love her more than I ever did. Love her with everything you have, and with everything you can give.”