Unseen Academicals (48 page)

A voice behind him bellowed, ‘You have one right here, sir.’ They turned. A figure slightly larger than life, wearing a top hat and carrying a small bag, nodded at them.

‘Doctor Lawn,’ said Ridcully. ‘I wouldn’t have expected to see you here.’

‘Really?’ said the doctor. ‘Wouldn’t have missed it for the world. Now some of you men drag him over to that corner and I’ll take a look at him. I’ll send my bill to you, shall I, Mustrum?’

‘Wouldn’t you like to take him somewhere nice and quiet?’ said the referee.

‘No fear! I want to keep my eye on the play.’

‘They’re gettin’ away with it,’ said Trev, as he walked back to the line. ‘Everyone knows they’re gettin’ away with it.’

‘We still have the rest of the team, Mister Trev,’ said Nutt, lacing up his boots. He had, of course, made them himself. They looked like foot gloves. ‘And me of course, I am the first substitute. I promise that I will do my best, Mister Trev.’

Thus far, it had been a rather boring afternoon for the Librarian after his one little moment in the sun. It really was rather dull between the goal posts and he was getting hungry and so was pleasantly surprised by the appearance of a large banana in front of the goal. It was later agreed that, in a footballing context, mysteriously appearing fruit should have been greeted with a certain amount of caution. But he was hungry, it was a banana and the metaphysics were sound. He ate it.

Glenda, up in the stand, wondered if she was the only one to have seen the startlingly yellow fruit in its trajectory and then saw, looking up at her from the crowd, with a big grin on her face, Mrs Atkinson, mother of Tosher, himself something of an unguided weapon. Anyone who had ever been in the Shove knew her as a perpetrator of all kinds of inventive assaults. She had always got away with it because no one in the Shove would hit an old lady, especially one standing next to Tosher.

‘Excuse me,’ said Glenda, standing up. ‘I’ve got to get down there right now.’

‘Not a chance, love,’ said Pepe. ‘It’s shoulder-to-shoulder. A Shove and a half.’

‘Look after Juliet,’ said Glenda. She leaned forward and tapped on the shoulder of the nearest man. ‘I’ve got to get to the bottom of this as soon as possible. Mind if I jump?’

He looked past her at the glittering figure of Juliet and said, ‘Not at all, if you get your girlfriend to give me a big kiss.’

‘No, but I’ll give you one.’

‘Er, don’t trouble yourself, miss, but come on then, give me your hand.’

It was a reasonably fast descent, as she was passed from hand to hand, accompanied by ribaldry, much genial horseplay and a definite feeling of satisfaction on Glenda’s part that she was wearing her biggest and most impenetrable pants.
*

Elbowing and kicking people out of the way, she reached the goal just as the banana was consumed in one gulp and stood panting helplessly in front of the Librarian. He gave her a wide smile, looked thoughtful for a moment and went over backwards.

High up in the stand, Lady Margolotta turned to Vetinari. ‘Is that part of the game?’

‘I fear not,’ he said.

Ladyship yawned. ‘Well, it relieves the boredom, at least. They’ve spent far more time arguing than playing.’

Vetinari smiled. ‘Yes, madam. It does look as if football is very much like diplomacy: short periods of fighting followed by long periods of negotiation.’

Glenda prodded the Librarian. ‘Hello? Are you all right?’ All she could hear was a gurgling. She cupped her hands, ‘Man—er, someone down, here!’

To another chorus of boos, and, because this was Ankh-Morpork, cheers, the travelling committee, which was what the game had now become, hastened over to the Unseen Academicals’ goal.

‘Someone threw a banana and I saw who did it and I think it’s poisoned,’ said Glenda, all in one breath.

‘He’s breathing very heavily,’ said Ridcully. The comment was unnecessary as the snores were making the goal rattle.

He crouched down and put his ear to the Librarian’s chest. ‘I don’t think he’s been poisoned,’ he said.

‘Why’s that, Archchancellor?’ said Ponder.

‘Because if anyone has poisoned our Librarian,’ said Ridcully, ‘then, although I am not, by nature, a vindictive man, I will see to it that this university hunts down the poisoner by every thaumic, mystic and occult means available and makes the rest of their life not only as horrible as they can imagine it, but as horrible as I can imagine it. And you can depend on it, gentlemen, that I have already started work on it.’

Ponder looked around until he saw Rincewind. ‘Professor Rincewind. You were, I mean you are, his friend, can’t you stick your fingers down his throat or something?’

‘Well, no,’ said Rincewind. ‘I am very attached to my fingers and I like to think of them as attached to me.’

The noise of the crowd was getting louder. They were here to see football, not a debate.

‘But Doctor Lawn is still here,’ Rincewind volunteered. ‘He makes a living out of sticking his hand in things. He’s got the knack.’

‘Ah, yes,’ said the referee. ‘Perhaps we can impose upon him to take another patient.’ He turned to Ridcully. ‘You must play your other substitute.’

‘That would be Trevor Likely,’ said the Archchancellor.

‘No!’ blurted out Trev. ‘I promised my ol’ mum.’

‘I thought you were part of the team?’ said Ridcully.

‘Well, yes, sir, sort of…helpin’ out and all that…I promised my ol’ mum, sir, after Dad died. I know I was down on the list, but who would have thought it would have turned out like this?’

Ridcully stared at the sky. ‘Well, it seems to me, gentlemen, that we cannot ask a man to break a promise made to an old mum. That would be a crime more heinous than murder. We will have to play with ten men. It appears that we will have to go without.’

Up in his ramshackle box, the editor of the
Times
picked up his notebook and said, ‘I’m going down there. It’s ridiculous to sit up here like this.’

‘You’re going on the pitch, sir?’

‘Yes. At least that way I can see what’s happening.’

‘I don’t think the referee will allow that, sir!’

‘You’re not going to play, Trev?’ said Glenda.

‘I told you! How many times do I need to tell people? I promised my ol’ mum!’

‘But you are part of the team, Trev.’

‘I promised my ol’ mum!’

‘Yes, but I am sure she’d understand.’

‘That’s easy for you to say. We’ll never know, will we?’

‘Not necessarily,’ said a voice cheerfully.

‘Oh, hello, Doctor Hix,’ said Glenda.

‘I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation, and if Mister Likely could tell me where his mother is buried, and the referee was to give us a little leeway in regard to time, well it could be possible that I—’

‘Don’t you put a shovel anywhere near my ol’ mum!’ Trev screamed, tears rolling down his face.

‘I’m sure we all understand, Trev,’ said Glenda. ‘It’s always difficult with old mums,’ and she added, not really thinking what she was saying, ‘and I think Juliet will understand.’

She took him by the hand and towed him off the pitch. Trev had been right. It was all going wrong. The buoyant certainties of the beginning of the game were fading.

‘You gave away a goal, sir,’ said Ponder as he and Ridcully lined up for the next encounter.

‘I have great faith in Mister Nutt in goal,’ said Ridcully. ‘And I’ll show them what happens to people who try to poison a wizard.’

The whistle blew.

‘GET DOWN AND GIVE ME TWENTY! I’m sorry, gentlemen, I don’t quite know why I said that…’

What happens to people who try to poison a wizard, at least in the short run, is that they have an advantage in a game of football. The absence of Professor Macarona was a deadly blow. He had been the pillar around which the university strategy had been built. Emboldened, United went for the kill.

Even so, the editor of the
Times
thought, as he lay down at the very edge of the pitch alongside his iconographer, the wizards were just about managing to hold their own. He scribbled as fast as he could, trying hard to ignore the gentle shower of pie wrappings, banana skins, empty greasy pea bags and the occasional beer bottle being tossed on to the pitch. And who is that with the ball now? He glanced at the little crib-sheet of numbers he had managed to jot down. Ah, right. United
had broken into the UU side of the field and there was Andy Shank, an unpleasant man by all accounts and…surely that wasn’t a normal footballing procedure. Other players had lined up around him. So he was running in the middle of a group of bodyguards. Even the other team members themselves did not seem to know what was going on, but Mr Shack nevertheless managed a creditable strike at the goal, which was expertly snatched out of the air by…Mister Nutt. He glanced at his crib-sheet, ah yes, the orc, and added in his notebook: ‘who is clearly adept at grasping big round objects’. But then he felt ashamed and crossed it out. Despite where we are lying, he said to himself, we are
not
the gutter press.

The orc.

Nutt danced back and forth outside his goal, trying to find someone who looked in a position to be able to do something with a ball.

‘Can’t hang around all day, Orc,’ said Andy, staying in front of him. ‘Got to let it go soon, Orc. Not much help for you now, is there, Orc? They say you’ve got claws. Show us your claws, Orc. That will bust your ball.’

‘I believe that you are a man with unresolved issues, sir.’

‘What?’

Nutt dropkicked the ball over Andy’s head and somewhere in the mob that fought for it there was a crunch, which was followed by a yell, which was followed by the whistle and the whistle was followed by the chant. It began somewhere in the region of Mrs Atkinson, but spread oh so quickly: ‘Orc! Orc! Orc! Orc! Orc! Orc! Orc!’

Ridcully got to his feet, standing unsteadily. ‘The buggers have got me, Henry,’ he yelled, in a voice that could hardly be heard over the chant. ‘Kneecap! Bloody kneecap!’

‘Who did it?’ the referee demanded.

‘How should I know? It’s a bloody mess, just like the old game! And can’t you get them to stop that bloody chant? That’s not the sort of thing we want to hear.’

Archchancellor Henry raised his megaphone. ‘Mister Hoggett?’

The captain of United pushed his way through the rabble, looking very sheepish.

‘Can’t you control your fans?’

Hoggett shrugged. ‘Sorry about that, sir, but what can you do?’

Henry looked around the Hippo. What could anyone do? It was the mob. The Shove. No one was in charge. It hadn’t an arse to kick, a wrist to be slapped or even an address. It was just there and it was shouting because everybody else was.

‘Well, then can you at least control your team?’ he said. To his surprise Mr Hoggett looked down.

‘Not entirely, sir. Sorry about that, sir, it’s how things are.’

‘One more incident of this kind and I will cancel the match. I suggest you leave the field of play, Mustrum. Who is the substitute captain?’

‘Me!’ said Ridcully, ‘but under the circumstances I appoint Mister Nobbs as my deputy.’

‘Not Nobby Nobbs?’ exclaimed the former Dean.

‘No relation,’ said Bledlow Nobbs very quickly.

‘Well, that was a good choice at least,’ said Trev, sighing. ‘Nobbsy is a clogger at heart.’

‘But it’s not supposed to be about clogging,’ said Glenda. ‘And you know what?’ she added, raising her voice against the steel roar of the crowd. ‘Whatever the old Dean thinks he can’t stop the game, now. This place would just blow up!’

‘You think so?’ said Trev.

‘Listen,’ said Glenda. ‘Yes, I think you’re right. You ought to get out of here.’

‘Me? Not a chance.’

‘But you could make yourself useful and get Juliet out. Get her as far as Vimesy and his lot. I bet they’re waiting right outside the gates. Do it right now while you can still get down the steps. Won’t get a chance once they start to play again.’

As he left, Glenda walked unheeded down the touchline, to the little area where Dr Lawn was standing guard over his patients.

‘You know that little bag you brought with you, sir?’

‘Yes?’

‘I think you’re going to need a bigger bag. How’s Professor Macarona?’

The professor was lying on his back, staring at the sky and wearing an expression of bland happiness. ‘Sorted him out easily enough,’ said the doctor. ‘He won’t be playing again any time soon. I’ve given him a little something to make him happy. Correction, I have given him a big something to make him happy.’

‘And the Librarian?’

‘Well, I got a couple of lads to help me turn him upside down and he’s been throwing up a lot. He’s still pretty groggy, but I don’t think it’s too bad. He’s as sick as a parrot.’
*

‘This wasn’t how it was supposed to go, you know,’ said Glenda out of a feeling that she should defend the bloody mess.

‘It generally isn’t,’ said the doctor.

They turned as the noise of the nearby crowd changed. Juliet was coming down the steps glittering. The silence followed her like a lovesick dog. So did Pepe and the reassuring bulk of Madame Sharn, who might be a useful barricade in case the Hippo became a cauldron. Trev, tagging along behind them, seemed like an afterthought in comparison.

‘All right, dear, what’s this all about?’ said Pepe.

‘I ain’t going,’ said Juliet, ‘not while Trev’s in here. I ain’t leaving without Trev. Pepe says he’s going to win the match.’

‘What have you been saying?’ said Glenda.

‘He’ll win,’ said Pepe, winking. ‘He’s got a star in his hand. You want to see him do it, missy?’

‘What are you playin’ at?’ said Trev, angrily.

‘Oh, I’m a bit of a conjurer, me. Or maybe a fairy godmother.’ Pepe gestured around the arena. ‘See that lot? Their ancestors screamed
to see men killing one another and beasts tearing decent folks apart. Men with spears fighting men with nets and all that kind of ugly shite.’

‘And they have cart-tail sales here every other Sunday,’ added Glenda.

‘It’s always been the same,’ said Pepe. ‘It’s one big creature. Never dies. Crying and screaming and loving and hating all down the generations and you can’t tame it and you can’t stop it. Just for you, young lady, and for the soul of Mister Trev, I’m going to throw it a bone. Won’t take a mo’.’