Untangle Me (23 page)

Kayden: I know. Are we still together? Please don’t leave me Sophia.

Me: Barely, Kayden.

Kayden: Forever.

I can’t go on like this, I wanted my Kayden back. I’d fight for him… I’d save him.

Me: You better get your motherfucking shit together and fucking fast!

Kayden: I’m going to lean on you Sophia. I need your light to pull me out of the darkness.

Me: I want you to lean on me, confide in me, but you’ve leaned on Jack for weeks. I’m afraid I’d be just another crutch. I remember something you said to me once—we all fall sometimes in life Sophia, it’s more important how we recover.

Kayden: I don’t know how to recover. I’m used to leaning on the bottle… it’s been my only friend at times.

My limit reached, I lashed out at him.

Me: I can’t do this anymore, Kayden. You aren’t thinking of what this is doing to me… When you get yourself straight, come back to me.

Kayden: You’re breaking up with me?

Me: If it gets you clean, then yes.

Kayden: Fuck off then.

There it was. I was harsh with my words, but I didn’t know what else to say to him. I had tried to be the understanding and loving girlfriend. I tried to be supportive and help keep his spirits hopeful. None of it worked. Maybe he needed to get pissed off at me, scared a bit. He needed to fight for something, anything… for me.

Me: Really? You don’t choose me, guess that’s that. I’ll fuck off Kayden. Thanks for showing me what love could be, should be.... even if only for a moment. Hope you find peace and happiness someday, just make sure it’s not with Lisa.

Kayden: WTF with Lisa?

I knew the Lisa comment would catch his attention.

Me: Whoever you are with in the future… Make sure it’s not her. She made you miserable for too long.

Kayden: I’m completely happy with you Sophia, I’m just not happy with me.

I’d do anything for this man. I needed him to understand that, to feel it.

Me: It’s no excuse… You’re making sure to push me the fuck away, aren’t you?

Kayden: You’re really breaking up with me?

My words were hollow, but I hope it caused his heart to stop for a moment. I couldn’t imagine my life without Kayden, his passion and love. Didn’t he just tell me to fuck off? Having a conversation with a drunk was so futile. They spoke without thinking and then had amnesia within a few minutes. Why did I even bother?

Me: You told me to fuck off.

Kayden: I did, and I’m sorry. Can we start the day over? I love you Sophia. I’ll do better, try harder.

Me: Call me when you wake and can talk to me Kayden. I need to hear your voice today.

I placed my phone next to my pillow, wishing for sleep to take me. My eyes flew open with a chirp that I couldn’t ignore. Kayden had sent me a song, my heart thumped as I hit play.
‘The Reason’ by Hoobastank
filled the air. I listened carefully to the words, they wrapped around me, stealing my breath.

Homecoming

I needed to go shopping for a dress; tomorrow Suzy and I were going to the Homecoming Dance. He always helped me pick out something perfect to wear. I didn’t want my dress to be too sexy, but I didn’t want to look like a child either. I went to the usual department stores to begin with and he helped me find one, but it was more money than I wanted to spend. My only options left were little thrift stores scattered throughout my small town.

Kayden: Do NOT go to a thrift shop.

Me: Why not? They have a huge selection and cheap prices.

Kayden: You shouldn’t be shopping at a place like that.

Kayden wouldn’t tell me why, he just kept saying to find another store. He disappeared shortly after I walked through the doors of Goodwill. I found a cute black dress for around five dollars, a total steal. I went home, crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep. I felt lost and alone, more than I had ever before. I had a connection so deep and passionate with Kayden unlike anyone before, but it was dangling by a thread poised to break. I needed to grab it, before it was lost forever.

Kayden: Morning baby doll.

Me: Morning.

I’d been up for hours, unable to sleep. Sleep never came easy for me, unless I was wrapped in Kayden’s arms.

Kayden: I’m sorry I fell asleep last night so early.

Me: You didn’t fall asleep Kayden, you passed out. There’s a difference.

Kayden: I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. You’re the best part of my life, I choose you. My life feels like it’s spinning out of control and I can’t get it under control.

Should I give up? Has this all been futile? Kayden is worth fighting for. I wouldn’t let him spiral into the abyss.

Me: Well it’s about to go off a cliff without a guardrail to stop it.

Kayden: What?

I barely knew what I was talking about at this point. He had me in knots, barely forming coherent sentences.

Me: Nothing. No more fucking drinking all day until you pass out. It isn’t helping you or us.

Kayden: I know. I’ll do better. Don’t give up on me Sophia, please. I won’t drink anymore, just don’t give up on me.

Me: I’m fighting for us, Kayden. You’re the master of your future—our future. Don’t fuck it up.

I couldn’t be clearer. I wouldn’t give up on him just yet. I wanted the playful man I fell for, the one that swept me off my feet with his sexy smirk and passion laced words. Kayden stayed in contact with me throughout the day, not letting more than five minutes pass between messages. My stress level had decreased dramatically through the day.

My roommate and I spent hours doing our hair and makeup for the dance. We felt like teenagers again. On my way to the dance, my phone rang—Kayden. My heart stopped, something must be wrong.

“Hey baby. What’s up?” I answered cheerfully. Sounding slightly panicked, but I tried to hide it from my voice.

“The guys want to go to Bourbon Street and want me to go, too,” he said with hope in his voice.

“And?” I asked.

“Is it okay if I go with them, please?” he begged. “I’ll be a good boy.”

He’ll be a good boy?
I knew Bourbon Street was filled with temptation. How could I say no? He’s had so little happiness in his life recently. Did I have the right to deny him of a fun evening with his friends? He had been so miserable and needed to get out of the apartment. He didn’t really need to call me asking permission, although he knew it would earn him brownie points.

“Fine, Kayden. Don’t drink too much though, please,” I pleaded with him. I knew this was a promise he would never be able to keep. NOLA sucks you in; no one could escape sober, especially with Kayden’s friends cheering him on.

“I won’t. I’ll be a good boy. You’ll see,” he said gleefully sounding happier than I had heard him in weeks.

“Skype me later when you get home please, promise?” I asked him.

“I promise,” he said. “I love you, Sophia.”

“I love you, too. Talk to you later, and have fun with the boys,” I said as I pushed the button on my steering wheel to end the call. I knew he would end up over indulging, but he is a grown man. My stress level slowly rose, but nothing compared to the gutting I felt earlier in the week.

Suzy and I arrived at the dance; we walked around watching the kids and stopping to take photos with them. The dance was in the open courtyard of the school under the stars. I sent pictures to Kayden. I wanted him to see that I was having fun, and I was. I heard from him a few times throughout the night.

My feet were killing me from the unusually high heels I wore. I had always been a kitten heel type of girl, but recently I’ve grown a fondness to the high rise variety. I sat on my bed, rubbing my feet and waited for Kayden’s call. He texted me to already to let me know he’d be home soon. I had just enough time to get undressed and ready for bed. I wanted to fall asleep listening to his voice.

“Hey, baby doll. I’m home and safe,” he said to me, trying to be reassuring.

“Did you drink?” I asked, already knowing the answer before he even answered the question.

“Yes, Sophia. I’m sorry,” he said. Kayden wouldn’t lie to me. He was honest to a fault, but he knew he disappointed me.

“Go to sleep. We’ll talk in the morning, Kayden,” I said as I hung up the phone.

What could I say at this point? I gave him permission to drink tonight, I couldn’t be upset. I needed the night to think about him and us. I couldn’t give up on him. I wanted to heal him—make him happy, but would I be enough? He deserved happiness, he has filled my world with joy more than sadness… even through these fucked up couple weeks. No one had ever made me feel more loved, desired, or cherished than he did. He’s the addiction that I couldn’t give up.

In the morning, I booked another flight to New Orleans. I had to either break up with him to regain my sanity or bring him home with me where I could keep an eye on him. I wanted him close, not just to keep an eye on him, but because I missed him. Maybe some of the despair he felt deepened with the distance and coming home with me would help in some small way. I knew I couldn’t cure him or take away all his pain, but maybe, just maybe, my presence would make it all a little easier to deal with for him.