Until Harry (28 page)

I stopped talking and frowned.

Daven gave me a small smile. “Since our girl’s funeral?”

Our
girl. That made me smile.

“Yeah, since then,” I nodded. “It’s been so long. How have you been? You look great.”

He really did. He’d been a slim twenty-year-old boy when I left, but now he was a twenty-six-year-old lean man.

“Thanks, you’re looking pretty good yourself,” he said, winking playfully. “I’m doing great. I’ve got myself a beautiful wife, and we have two kids – twin boys. My wife is working on our third.”

I gasped. “You have a
family
?”

Laughter rumbled from him. “You seem quite surprised.”

Shit.

“It just seems so grown up.” I chuckled, hoping I didn’t offend him.

He smiled wide, taking my shock in his stride. “I did a lot of growing up after I lost Lavender. After she died, I did a lot of reflecting, and I didn’t like the person I was. I was an all-round arsehole, and I didn’t treat Lavender the way she deserved. Thank God she put up with my shit all those years; I treasure every one of them that I had with her.”

My heart warmed.

“She loved you,” I said with a smile. “Trust me when I say I argued the case of how much of an arsehole you were better than anyone, but she knew you deep down, and she loved who she saw.”

“Thanks, Lane,” he said, his voice holding some sort of emotion that he chased away with a clearing of his throat.

I nodded. “It’s the truth – she loved you greatly.”

“I know,” he said, smiling sadly. “I love her too. I always will.”

Present tense. He was still in love with my wonderful friend, and I didn’t blame him. She was one heck of a girl. “I love her too.” I smiled, sorrowfully. “I miss her every day; I still can’t quite believe that she is gone. It doesn’t feel real, and I don’t think it ever will.”

Daven nodded in agreement, then turned and looked down at her grave for a moment before he placed the beautiful bouquet next to the flowers I’d brought her. He had a small smile on his face, and leaning down, he kissed her picture and murmured, “Hello, babygirl.”

It choked me up.

“You want to know something?” I muttered to him.

He stood upright and looked at me. “What?”

My tears fell. “I’ve cried myself into dehydration multiple times since I got here on Friday.”

Daven laughed at me and dug out a Kleenex packet from his back pocket. He took a piece of tissue out of the packet and handed it to me. I accepted it with a raised brow, and it cause
d h
im to laugh. “I’ve two kids, I need tissues and wet wipes on me at all times.”

I laughed too and wiped my cheeks and under my eyes.

“So, you got home on Friday?” he asked.

I nodded. “Yeah, but it feels like I’ve been here a hell of a lot longer. I think it’s the reason I’m back that has me so messe
d up.”

“I’m sorry about your uncle, Lane,” Daven said and gave my shoulder a squeeze. “I met him down the pub a few times after I got off work. He was a great guy. I went to his funeral, and I would have spoken to you, but you had a constant crowd of
people
around you that day. Kale was like your personal bodyguard; I didn’t want to get too close. He isn’t very fond of me for some reason.”

I tearfully laughed as I wiped under my eyes once more. “He knew I didn’t like you, so as my best friend, he automatically didn’t like you either. It seems he hasn’t grown out of it.”

Daven snorted. “I’ll say, sometimes when we’re in the same shop or something, he’ll glare at me until I’m sure he is going to kick my arse.”

I laughed. “He would never hit you – he’s not like that.”

Or at least he used to be not like that.

“I hope you’re right,” Daven mused and dropped his arm from around my shoulder.

I smiled. “He’s just protective I guess.”

Daven’s lip quirked. “After all these years, if he is still that way with you, then it seems like he has a thing for you.”

I felt my cheeks heat up. “Give over.”

Daven laughed at my embarrassment over his teasing. “Are you staying for long?” he asked, then winced. “Sorry, that was nosey. You don’t have to answer; it’s none of my business.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said, waving him off. “I am staying.
I d
ecided to move back.”

Another stunning smile spread across Daven’s face.

“You know what this means?” he asked.

I blinked. “What?”

“We’ll have to hang out and become the proper friends
Lavender
always wanted us to be.”

I smiled warmly. “She used to blow a fuse when we’d be at each other’s throats.”

Daven laughed and looked down at her picture. “She was
perfect
, wasn’t she?”

I nodded. “She was; her heart was my favourite thing. She was just brilliant.”

Daven smiled, then looked back to me. “You’ll have to m
eet m
y
wife and kids – they’ll love you. They’ve heard about you from
m
y sto
ries about Lavender, so they’ll want to meet you.”

Daven worked his way into my heart with that one sentence.

“You told them about Lav?”

“Of course.” He nodded. “My wife is the one who pulled me from my depression and helped me start living again. I love her with all of my heart, and I’m a lucky son of a bitch to have her. My boys have seen some pictures of Lavender, and they know of her as my good friend who is in heaven.”

I placed a hand on my chest. “Daven, I might cry again. It touches my heart that you keep her memory alive when you don’t have to.”

He smiled sadly. “I acted foolish when I was younger, but I was so in love with her, Lane. She was my world, and when she died,
I wa
nted to die too.”

“Me too,” I whispered.

Daven suddenly chuckled and wiped at his eyes. “She’d be laughing her arse off if she were here right now.”

“Don’t I know it.” I chuckled and dried my face once more.

Daven looked up then and said, “There’s your Kale, walking in the gate.”

My
Kale. I felt my face flush but didn’t correct Daven. I looked up and saw he was right. Kale was walking up the left pathway that would lead him to the section where Kaden, my uncle and my aunt were buried.

“It’s really sad what happened to his kid. I can’t imagine what he must be going through.”

I liked that he said “going” instead of “went”. Daven knew that losing someone wasn’t a particular feeling that lasted for a certain amount of time; it was something you had to live with for the rest of your life. I looked from Kale to Daven when he cleared his throat.

“Give me your number,” he said, grinning, “so we can set up a playdate.”

I laughed again and called out my number to him, watching as he saved it into the contacts on his phone. He winked at me and then gave Lavender’s picture a kiss.

I heard him murmur, “Catch you later, babygirl.”

When he stood up, he wiggled his phone at me. “Speak to yo
u soon.”

“I look forward to it,” I said.

Daven left then; as he walked down the pathway towards the cemetery exit, I switched my gaze to Kale. I found him standing in front of Kaden’s grave, his hands in his pockets as he stared down at the headstone. I wanted to go over to him, but I didn’t want to intrude. Instead, I sat back down on Lavender’s grave and smiled at her picture.

“You’re taking care of Daven, I see.” I shook my head. “I’m sorry I never saw what
you
did, but I’m seeing him now, and you were right: he is pretty fabulous.”

I chuckled and then sat in silence for a while, picking blades of grass out of the ground and cutting them with my nails. I was about to talk some more to Lavender when a shadow fell over me. I looked up and Kale was standing over me.

“Hey,” I said, smiling, and got to my feet, brushing my jeans down as I stood.

He nodded and joined me in looking down at Lavender’s grave. I frowned as I stared at the picture of my beautiful friend who was taken far too soon.

“I saw Daven Eanes over here with you,” Kale mentioned after a moment. “Did he give you any trouble? I know you never got on well with him.”

I chuckled. “It was fine. I think we actually just became friends. He was visiting Lav and found me here instead.”

“I see him here a lot,” Kale commented. “He brings her fresh flowers every week. Sometimes his wife and kids are with him, and they keep her headstone clean and the area around it nice and tidy. He’s pretty close to her parents too.”

That brought me a great deal of comfort.

I exhaled. “It’s insane to think he is married with kids. So many people that I went to school with are all moving forward and doing normal things people do when they grow up. They fall in love, get married and have kids. I feel stuck in time. Right now, I feel like I’m twenty again and just buried Lavender.”

“I feel like that every day, kid,” Kale sighed. “It’s been five years since my Kaden died, and it still feels like I just lowered him into the ground.”

My heart hurt for him.

“I hope it gets easier for you, Kale, I really do.”

He didn’t reply, but looked back to Lavender’s picture.

“She was one of the greatest people ever,” I said, smiling. “She came into my life right when I needed her; it was like she was my guardian angel. She helped save me from myself.”

I shivered when Kale’s arm slid around my waist.

“I’ll be forever grateful to her for that,” he murmured.

I looked up at him and sorrowfully smiled. “This hurts.”

“I know, darling.”

“Before anyone I knew had died, there was a time when I used to come here with my dad,” I mused. “We’d take a shortcut through here to get to the playing field through the hedges, and I remember thinking, even though I was little, that I wouldn’t like to say goodbye to anyone I loved. Now my aunt, uncle, friend and best friend’s son are buried here. I still can’t believe Lavender is gone, and I don’t think I’ll ever get over my uncle and Kaden.”

Kale kissed the crown of my head.

“Life throws curve balls at you, Laney Baby. There will always be something unexpected. We just have to pick up the pieces the ball smashes and try to put them back together.”

I frowned. “I’m not as strong as you, Kale.”

He turned me to face him. “Are you joking?”

I shook my head. “I’m a coward.”

He almost growled at me. “Don’t you
ever
say anything like that about yourself again. After all the shit you’ve been through, you’re still here, and that counts for something, Lane.”

I stared up at him, mesmerised that I was finally seeing some emotion in him.

“I met Drew when she was on her way out,” he commented. “She said you both spoke.”

I nodded. “I apologised to her for how awful I used to be, but she was adamant that I had nothing to be sorry for. She’s pretty great.”

“Yeah,” Kale agreed.

I glanced up at him. “She told me that you used to talk about me a lot, and that you used to have nightmares about—”

“The day I lost you.”

I frowned. “Kale, don’t do that to yourself.”

He tried to smile, but his lips never did fully curve. “I can’t he
lp it.”

“Hey,” I murmured.

His whisky-coloured eyes roamed my face. “Yeah?”

I licked my dry lips and said, “I think it’s time we had our talk.”

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Day four in York

E
xplain this to me one more time,” Kale said as we entered his apartment. “Your uncle left you his entire estate, but under the condition that we . . . talk? Am I getting that correctly?”

Thank God it sounded just as insane to someone else.

I nodded. “Yeah, it was written in black and white. If we don’t talk, and we both know what talk he means – he worded it exactly like that – then his estate will be liquidated into a lump sum and donated to . . . to the Liverpool Football Club.”

A gasp of pure horror left Kale.

“That manipulative bastard,” he said, scowling.

I couldn’t help but laugh. Kale, like the rest of my family, was a hard-core Man United supporter.

“I just can’t believe he had to take such drastic measures. I hate that I made him feel like he had no other option. He probably thought if he asked me to talk to you that I would have cut him off like I did everyone else.”

My lower lip trembled as shame filled me.

“Hey now,” Kale murmured as he moved closer to me and placed his hands on my shoulders. “He knew you loved him, but he also knew you needed to figure everything out for yourself. We all did. Your brothers and parents just took it harder because they were caught in the crossfire of losing you.”

I nodded. “I know, but my decisions didn’t help anything.”

“Everyone makes mistakes, Lane. We learn from them and grow.”

I glanced up at him. “When did you become so wise?”

His lip quirked, and for a second I thought I spotted the familiar glint that once dwelt in his beautiful eyes. “I’ve done a lot of thinking over the years.”

I had no doubt about that. I had done a lot of thinking too.

There was a beautiful bookcase in the corner of the sitting room, and before I knew it, I found myself standing before it, brushing my fingers over the book spines in greeting. I loved books, and I loved that Kale still read them. I was about to turn away from the case when the name of an author caught my eye: K.T. Boone. She was an author I worked with. I scanned the other books and gasped.

“Kale,” I breathed.

I felt him come up beside me.

“You . . . you bought every book I have ever edited,” I
whispered
as my eyes scanned over the familiar titles.

Kale cleared his throat. “Like I wasn’t going to follow your work. You’re my best friend, and you have a kick-ass job. I’ve read them all. I had a book club in the making with your dad and Uncle Harry.” He chuckled. “You’re truly brilliant at what you do. I couldn’t find a fault in any of them. I love reading the author’s acknowledgements to you too. I’m so proud of you, kid.”

Don’t cry,
I warned myself.
Don’t you dare bloody cry.

“This is so sweet, Kale,” I said, clearing my throat when my voice dropped that octave.

“Speaking of sweet, you want a cup of tea?” Kale asked after a moment, and I appreciated the subject change.

I snorted. “Do you have to even ask?”

He grinned down at me and headed into the kitchen to put the kettle on. I followed him, and I glanced around as I walked, noticing how plain everything was. There were no pictures of Kaden anywhere, but I was too afraid to ask about it in case it upset Kale.
I w
alked by him and moved to the large window over by his kitchen counter.

“Great view of the cathedral from here,” I commented.

Kale chuckled. “Why do you think I bought the place? For the generous-sized rooms?”

I noted his sarcasm and grinned.

“I like it,” I said. “It’s cosy.”

“It’s nothing compared to your new house. Harry’s place has five bedrooms.” Kale whistled. “What will you do with all that space? It’ll fetch a nice price for you, that’s for sure.”

I wasn’t surprised that he assumed I would be selling my uncle’s house; I’d been threatening to leave ever since I’d arrived.

“I’m not selling the house,” I casually said as I continued to look out the window, admiring the beauty of the town.

I felt Kale’s eyes on me. “What does that mean?” he asked in a low voice.

I shrugged. “It means I’m not selling. It’s my house, and I don’t want to sell it to someone else.”

Kale swallowed. “Will you lease it out and be a landlord?” he asked, grabbing at straws. “You’d get decent monthly rent for it.”

I shook my head. “No, if I did that I’d have to live in my parents’ house forever, and while I love them dearly, I don’t want that.”

I felt hands on my shoulders, and then my body was turned.

“Don’t play jokes on me,” Kale warned, his eyes trained on me.

I looked up at him. “I’m not playing games. I’m telling the truth.”

He blinked, his surprise evident. “You’re . . . moving back—”

“Home,” I finished for him. “I’m moving back home.”

His eyes widened, and he didn’t say a word, but just stared at me. I held back a gasp when the glint I thought I’d seen minutes ago flashed across his eyes, and this time it didn’t leave.

My Kale,
my mind whispered.

I glanced for something to distract me from doing something stupid. My eyes flicked around his empty walls, and I frowned. “Why don’t you have any pictures up?”

Kale gnawed on his inner cheek. “Of Kaden?”

I nodded.

“Because they’re a reminder that he is gone.”

I tilted my head. “Couldn’t they be a reminder that he was here? Even though it was for a short time?”

Kale looked away from me. “I don’t know if I want to talk about him. It hurts.”

“I know.” I frowned. “I wish that one day we’d wake up and his passing would all just be a nightmare.”

Kale gripped the counter, then took my hand in his and led me into the sitting room, where we sat on a very comfortable sofa. For minutes we sat in silence.

“I miss my son, Lane,” he whispered. “I miss his laugh, his cry, his screams and even his serious conversations with his chubby toes. I miss everything about him.”

I was silent as he spoke.

“Day by day it’s ripping me apart because I know I’ll never see him again. Never hold him again. It kills me that you’ll never get to know him. I was robbed of you, and then I was robbed of him. God hates me. I hate me.”

I got up and kneeled before him and put my hands on his face, forcing him to look at me.

“You’re the bravest person that I have ever known. You’re so strong, and sweetheart, you’re a good fucking person. Horrible things have happened to you for no reason, because
no
reason is good enough for you to lose a child. The why can never be explained, and nothing will ease that pain you feel, but I truly believe that one day you won’t feel sorrow or sadness when you think of Kaden. You will think of happiness and love, because I know in my heart that he was pure light. You
will
see him again.”

Kale’s whisky-coloured eyes were glazed over with tears, and when he blinked, they fell and splashed onto his cheeks.
Without
thought or hesitation, I leaned in and kissed the salty droplets away. I pressed my forehead against his and looked into his beautiful eyes.

“I wasn’t there for you when you lost Kaden, but I will be here for you now and every moment after. I don’t care what has happened between us in the past. Before you were my crush, you were my best friend. You’re
still
my best friend, and I refuse to lose yo
u again.”

“You . . . you
really
aren’t going back to America?” he asked, the hope in his voice almost breaking me.

I shook my head. “No, darling, no matter the outcome of this conversation, I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here where I belong, with my family, and with you in any capacity. You’re my best friend. I’ll give up everything before I lose that, lose
you,
again.”

I barely finished speaking before he covered my mouth with his and kissed me.

“Kale, no,” I said, and broke away from him. “You’re kissing me because you’re sad.”

“No,” he said, looking at me with searching eyes, “I’m kissing you because if I don’t, I’ll lose my fucking mind.”

I sat back on my heels. “You don’t know what you’re—”

“Don’t tell me what I’m feeling or what I’m thinking,” he growled, cutting me off. “I’m sick of people thinking they know what’s best for me.
I
know what’s best for me.”

I felt a moment of déjà vu as he echoed my earlier words to my family.

“And what’s best for you?” I quizzed.

“You,” he growled.

I was confused with his anger.

“You’re mad at me,” I said, stating the obvious.

“I’m not mad at you, Lane,” Kale stated calmly. “I’m fucking
livid
with you.”

I stood up as I sensed a fight brewing. Kale did too, because he was on his feet before I was. “Why’re you angry?” I asked, confused.

“Because when I think about how things ended with us before you left me, it fucking infuriates me.”

What the hell?
I thought.

I pointed my finger at him. “You walked away from me, Kale.”

“And you made damn sure of that, didn’t you, sweetheart?” he bellowed, his tone taking me by surprise. “You told me everything I wanted to hear a year too fucking late.”

“I never wanted you to look at me again the way you did the morning after we had sex, so when you told me you loved me, I lied and pushed you away to protect myself.”

“Are you kidding me?” he screamed. “Are you
fucking kidding
me, Lane?”

I backed away from Kale’s shaking form. He was fuming with rage.

“No!” he snarled, and shot forward into my personal space.

I wasn’t planning on leaving, but he was making sure I couldn’t even if I wanted to.

“You aren’t running away anymore,” he stated. “We’re going to hash everything out right fucking now.”

“I had to run away!” I screamed and shoved at his chest. “
I c
ouldn’t sit by and watch you play happy families with her.
I c
ouldn’t do it!”

“You didn’t give me time after that admission,” he snapped. “
I r
ealised the day after you left that I wanted you and not Drew, but you were gone, and I had a responsibility to step up with her.”

“Exactly,”
I emphasised. “You had that – be thankful for it at least!”

“What the hell are you saying?” he shouted.

“If I’d told you I loved you, you wouldn’t have had Kaden!”

Kale stumbled back like I’d punched him. “Don’t you ever . . . don’t fucking
ever
justify your walking out on me by using my son, do you hear me?”

“I’m not justifying anything, Kale,” I said, my voice tight with emotion, “but it’s true. If I’d told you I loved you, if I’d pressed you out of your comfort zone, then Kaden would have never existed.”

Kale glared at me. “You don’t know that.”

“Yes,” I said, nodding, “I do.”

“How?” he growled.

“Because you would never have got back with Drew if you’d had me,” I whispered. “I see that now.”

Kale struggled to keep his composure. “So I’m supposed to be
happy
you left me? I’m supposed to be happy that I was robbed of six years with you?”

I shook my head. “No, you should be happy that I made a decision that led you to having Kaden, even if it was just for a short time, because I’m learning that having someone that special in your life is worth every second you have with them. Focus on that, focus on the time you had with Kaden, and you will be happy that you had him.”

My own words triggered something my dad had said to me the night before my uncle’s funeral. He’d said,
“You can find yourself again, and possibly help Kale find peace in the process.”

“I’m realising that for myself too, Kale,” I said after a moment of laboured breathing. “It’s killing me that my uncle is gone, but I cherish all the time I had with him, every memory, every laugh and even every fight. Lavender too. I wouldn’t be the person I am today without her, and I miss her every day, but it’s only because I loved her so much.”

I looked up at Kale’s glassy eyes. “I cherish every moment of our friendship before I left and lost you.” I swallowed. “But even though things hurt, Kale, if we focus on the good times, the love we have for our loved ones will outweigh the heartache we feel when we think of them. I thoroughly believe that.”

“Do you really think I can get to a point where I can be happy when I think of Kaden?” Kale asked me, his body still tensed.

“I do, and I’ll help you
every
step of the way, I promise.” My shoulders slumped. “You should be happy I didn’t get in the way of Kaden, Kale.”

Kale blinked at me. “You get in the way of everything, Lane.”

I frowned. “I don’t understand.”

“I can’t see past you,” he said, and shook his head. “I’ve never been able to see past you.”

I waited for him to explain.

“When Kaden was born, all I wanted was for you to be his mum so you could experience how brilliant he was right along with me. How horrible of a person does that make me? Wishing Drew was you? When I lost him, I wanted you there to make losing him easier. When I had Drew, I wanted
her
to be
you
. Every decision I make, no matter how small or stupid, is always accompanied with the thought of you. I incorporate you into everything without even meaning to do it. You’re my life. You always have been.”

Kale carefully watched me from across the room as I processed what he said.

“Want or wanted?” I whispered.

He raised his eyebrows at me. “Wh-What?”

“You wanted me, or you want me?” I asked, sucking up every ounce of courage within my body.

Kale pushed himself away from the wall he was leaning against. “Don’t ask me that unless—”

“Unless
what
?” I interrupted.

“Unless you’re fully prepared for my answer.”