Until I Break (26 page)

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When I take my slacks from the back of the
chair and slip them on, Samantha stirs. I stop moving, hoping not
to wake her. My mind is troubled and I don’t want to ruin her
victory. She’s on cloud nine that she was able to both overcome her
fear and satisfy me. I don’t want her to think any different. At
least not right yet.

“Can’t you sleep?” comes her hoarse question.
I love her voice when she’s been asleep for a while. It’s deep and
scratchy and makes me want to do vile things to her. And, while she
definitely made some progress tonight, I doubt she’s up for
anything and everything.

“No. Go back to sleep,” I whisper, making my
way to the door.

I ease out of the bedroom and close the door
quietly behind me. I wish I’d taken Samantha back to my place,
rather than opting for close proximity. But I wasn’t nearly
finished after that first episode. I wanted to get her back and see
just how…compliant she was willing to be.

And now here I am, stuck in her house, unable
to sleep. I need the comfortable, the familiar. I need to relax my
mind. But that will be next to impossible here.

I make myself a drink and recline on the
sofa. I lean my head back against the full cushion and take a deep
breath, hoping to clear my head. When I hear the soft shuffle of
bare feet on hardwood, I crack my lids. Samantha is walking slowly
toward me, wrapped only in one of the sheets we mangled and tore
off the bed.

I raise my arm and she slides onto the couch
and settles her head on my chest.

“I’m sorry I woke you.”

“You never actually sleep in the bed with me,
do you? Every time I wake up, you’re gone.”

I shrug. “I don’t need much sleep.”

She gets quietly thoughtful for a few minutes
before she speaks again. “Can I ask you a question?”

I feel like sighing. She gets introspective
and inquisitive when we’re up late at night like this. I’m sure
she’ll ask something that I’d really rather not answer.

When I don’t respond, she just asks anyway.
That makes me want to smile. I’m sure she has no idea how adorably
annoying she is.

“Why were you so fascinated by Laura Drake? I
feel sure you don’t visit all your clients on the down-low in their
place of business.”

“I didn’t visit you in your place of
business.”

She slaps my chest. “You know what I mean.
Just answer the question.”

“I told you I’ve become quite obsessed with
people like Alyssa. People like me. I thought you were like me. I
wanted to know what brought you to where you are. I wanted to know
the hows and the whys. I wanted to know if your stories were a
result of something broken. Or something fixed.”

“And what did you decide?”

I glance down at her. Her soft eyes are
half-lidded and sleepy, but still focused on my words.

“I don’t know that I’ve ‘decided’ anything.
You are very much your own puzzle. I think your writing was your
way of coming to terms with what happened, with trying to
understand it. Maybe even to forgive your mother. But I also think
there’s a lot of you in your characters. I think, in many ways,
you’re Daire. And I think, in some ways, I’m your Mason.”

Her voice is small when she asks, “Does that
bother you?”

“No. I’m not Mason. And you know that. I
think you see things in me that you find desirable. You’ve found a
dominant person to trust, much like Daire found Mason. I think
that’s what you’ve been searching for all along—someone to trust,
someone to be strong and let you be you and not crush you in the
process.”

“And what is it that you’re searching
for?”

The million dollar question.

“I used to think it was control. That I
wanted someone to break, someone to bend to my will. But
anymore…I’m not so sure.”

“Should I be afraid?”

“No.”

When she rests her cheek back onto my chest,
I can’t help feeling like I just lied to her.

CHAPTER THIRTY-NINE- Samantha

I’d hoped that, in following through with
that one night at the club, I could fix everything. I thought that
Alec and I could move forward in our relationship and all would be
well. But it seems I’m missing something. Something important.
Something…crucial.

With every day that passes, and certainly
every night, I feel Alec drawing further and further away from me,
emotionally. We make love and it’s raw and satisfying, and it seems
to get better each time. And yet, something’s missing. I can feel
it in Alec’s restlessness. I can see it in his frown, in his
distracted green eyes.

I’m at my wits’ end. I don’t know what else
to do. I’ve submitted to everything he wants to do—whether
to
me,
with
me or something he wants
me
do to
him
—and it has all been wonderful. Without the fear of the
past, I’ve found that Alec and I can enjoy a sexual playground
that’s limited only by our imagination. And Alec has one hell of an
imagination!

But still, there’s something that’s not
clicking, some way in which he’s never quite with me. Not one
hundred percent.

I’m almost positive it has something to do
with Alyssa. I know guilt can be a powerful motivator. But it can
also be very destructive.

Today makes the fourth time he’s gone back to
Portland for “business.” At first, he was only gone a day or two.
The last time he went, he was gone for almost two weeks. I know he
has a business there, but I also know that he conducts many of his
sessions online, the same way in which we began talking. Yet he
goes to Portland anyway. And his trips are getting longer and
longer.

CHAPTER FORTY- Alec

I’m running. I know I’m running. I’m running
from having to make some tough decisions with regard to Samantha. I
don’t really want to, even though I know I should.

So, instead of doing what needs to be done,
I’m here. On my way to Oregon. Again.

There are many things about my life in
Charleston with Samantha that satisfy me, that seem perfect. She’s
my sexual mirror, I’m discovering. She’s always eager, always
willing to try new things and explore different ways we can bring
each other pleasure. She’s no longer bound by her fear.

I can tell when she gets nervous with
something I’m doing. I don’t stop. I continue. I push her because I
know she’ll be glad in the long run. And that she knows I would
never hurt her.

Not like that anyway.

Hurt her heart? Now that’s another story.

I know she’s in love with me. And I care
about her. Probably more than anyone else I’ve been involved with.
But there’s still something holding me back. I don’t know what it
is. I just know that I can’t take the next step, that I have no
desire
to take the next step right now. Maybe not ever.

But I’m too much of a selfish bastard to
break things off with her. I love her body too much, I love what
she brings me, what she’s willing to do for me. It’s like the
ultimate aphrodisiac—knowing that she won’t say no. I know that’s
taking advantage of her feelings for me, of her trust. But I just
can’t seem to help myself.

I always knew I was a monster.

The strange part is that, the more time that
passes—the closer we get, the more involved she becomes—the less
connected I find myself. It’s like every brick of her barrier that
I pull away is finding its way to me. I’m surrounded. Walled off.
Isolated.

I’m taking another few days away to get some
space. See if I can figure out what the hell to do about her. How
to leave her without destroying her.

Part of me speaks up, saying it’s her own
fault. I warned her about me. But somehow, that doesn’t make it
feel right anymore.

Nothing does.

And I’m afraid it’s because I don’t really
want to leave at all.

CHAPTER FORTY-ONE- Samantha

I’ve only seen Alec three times since he’s
been home. He avoids me like the plague. And I don’t know why.

I’ve asked him. I’ve tried to talk to him,
but he’s becoming more cold and distant as the days go by.

CHAPTER FORTY-TWO- Alec

I thought letting things die slowly would be
easier on Samantha, easier on my conscience, but I think it’s
taking a greater toll on both of us. The pretending is the worst
part.

I just don’t know what it is that we’re
pretending anymore.

CHAPTER FORTY-THREE- Samantha

“You need to talk to him,” Chris tells me for
the umpteenth time.

“Chris, I do. I try. I don’t get anywhere.
It’s like talking to space.”

“What does he say?”

“The same thing—he’s fine. I’m fine. We’re
fine.”

“Well, things are obviously
not
fine.
You two are in cardiac arrest. You need to shock the shit out of
this thing or just let it die. What’s it gonna be?”

“How do I ‘shock the shit out of this thing’?
What does that even mean?”

“You know him best. Find the bruise, find the
wound. Jerk the Band Aid off. Expose it before he hurts you.
Permanently.”

If Alec ever hurts me, it will be like
this—by just disappearing while he’s standing right next to me. He
would never hurt me in any other way. He has held my safety in his
hands too many times. I’ve trusted him with everything. And, so
far, the only area I can see that might’ve been a mistake was in
giving him my love.

But, even now, after crying myself to sleep
every night that he doesn’t call and doesn’t come by, I don’t see
how I could’ve avoided it.

Alec is my soul mate. Whether he realizes it
or not.

But how do I make him see that? How do I
shock the shit out of this thing?

CHAPTER FORTY-FOUR- Alec

I admit I’m a little puzzled by Samantha’s
message, requesting that I meet her at the club. I hope to God it’s
not some sort of anniversary-type thing she’s planning. Number one,
I don’t think we’ve passed any significant milestones in six
months. Number two, that would just be wrong. And very stupid.

She knows we’re in trouble.

She has to.

And she probably knows that our next visit
will not end well. Maybe that’s what she’s thinking. One for old
times’ sake. Of course, I wouldn’t argue. She’s still one of the
most amazing sexual creatures I’ve ever met.

But that’s not enough.

We need more than that to survive.
I
need more than that.

But I’m not getting it. And I’m not even sure
what it is.

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE- Samantha

I look around the room. There’s nothing in
here but me. And a bed. And space. I brought no accoutrements. I
have no tricks up my sleeve. Tonight, I’m on a mission. Alec is
going to respond to me. I’m going to make him feel something, even
if it’s anger. And then, if it’s over, I’ll save him the trouble
and I’ll call it quits myself. I can’t stand the thought of losing
him, but, to my way of thinking, he’s already gone. Saying it out
loud is just a technicality.

I walk to the center of the room and I wait.
I’m not wearing anything special—a simple short, black cocktail
dress, stilettos with steel tips and my domino.

I hope I didn’t need to tell Alec which room
I’d be in. If he can’t even figure that out, we might be more
hopeless than I’d thought.

I’m reassured when I hear footsteps stop just
outside in the hall. The knob turns slowly and the door swings
open, revealing an incredibly handsome Alec on the other side.

His face is like a blank computer screen.
It’s void. It’s empty. It’s full of nothingness.

My heart plummets.

He steps inside and closes the door. He leans
back against it, crossing his arms and his ankles, studying me with
a blandness that makes my heart weep.

“What are we doing here?” he asks after
looking around the room and seeing its marked lack of…things.

“We’re here to settle this.”

One brow shoots up. Another stab to my
heart.

“And what’s ‘this’?”

“Us. Or what used to be ‘us.’”

He nods. When he says nothing, I take a deep
breath and begin my spiel.

“I’ve done everything I can to make you
happy, Alec. I’ve asked you a thousand times to talk to me, to tell
me what’s wrong. And you won’t. I—”

“It’s not that I won’t. I simply have nothing
to say.”

“That might actually be worse. It’s like you
just…disappeared.” I feel my resolve break. Tears fill my eyes.
“Alec, what happened? Things were going so well and you
just…left.”

“I told you from the beginning—”

“I know, I know,” I interrupt with a snap.
“You warned me. It’s my fault for not listening. But you have to at
least be honest enough to admit that something happened. Even if
you won’t tell me what it was.”

I see the muscle in his jaw begin to tick.
“I’ve been nothing but honest with you. I’ve never misled you.”

“No, I’ve done this all on my own. I’ve been
in this all by myself from the beginning, is that it? Is that what
you’re going with?”

“I’m not ‘going with’ anything. It’s the
truth. I was up front about what I wanted, what you could
expect.”

“And you got it all, didn’t you? You got it
all and I got the broken heart, just like you promised.”

I try to keep my voice low and reasonable,
but it gets harder and harder with every second I spend in his cool
indifference.

“I didn’t come here to fight.”

I take a step toward him, my fingers balled
into tight fists. “Then why? Why did you come here?”

Alec’s lips thin. I can see his anger
rising.

“Not for this, I can assure you.”

“Oh, I see. You thought you’d sneak in a
quickie before you just changed your address. Nice.”

This is not at all how I pictured things
going, but my bitterness is overflowing and there’s nothing I can
do to stop it.