Up High in the Trees (26 page)

I guess he's out of the shower now, I say.

Do you want to go to the park? Jackson asks and picks up his coat off the floor.

No, I tell him, I'm going with my dad to buy film.

Jackson stands up and puts on his coat.

Fine, he says. He reaches into his pocket then and pulls out a white piece of folded-up paper.

Here, he says, it's from Shelly.

I take it.

See ya, says Jackson and he goes.

I open up the white paper. The picture is of the sky with a rainbow and a hot-air balloon. There are also two birds flying. One bird is red and the other is blue and wearing glasses like me. At the bottom of the picture it says, For: Sebastian, From: Shelly.

I fold it back up and put it in my pocket. In my head, I have the list of pictures I need to take and now I think of more: 5) the blue house, 6) Jackson's mom, Alison, 7) Dad's scar on his stomach.

I can hear Dad coming downstairs.

Sebby, he calls.

I'm here, I say.

Dad comes into the fireplace room. He's wearing his jeans now and a different T-shirt that's dark blue and says
WELLESLEY
in white letters. He sits down next to me. I lean in close to him and smell by his neck. Dad smells like the white soap.

I have to take lots of pictures, I tell him.

Yeah, Dad says, how many?

Seven, I tell him, but I'm still thinking.

The cat comes over to us. He rubs against Dad's legs and then jumps up by the fireplace where Dad put a pillow for him. I watch how the cat has to turn in circles before he lies down.

Jackson's mom wants us to come for dinner, I tell Dad.

He stops petting the cat.

What? he says. Why? We're fine. We don't need their dinner. He leans forward and holds his head. For Christ's sake, Dad says.

Cass is laughing and talking on the phone to Emma. She sees me watching her and says, Come say hi.

I shake my head no and run away upstairs. Dad's on the floor sleeping with his music playing. The song is one I know, about being eight miles high.

I sit down next to him and take a picture of his sleeping face. The square photo comes out of my camera and I have to shake it and wait for the colors to show up. On the white part at the bottom, I write, Dad's face, and then I look at my new watch that Dad bought me. It's black and Velcros onto my wrist. It says the time and the date so I also write, December 4, 1992, 7:14
pm
.

I have to take a picture of Dad's scar, too. I lift up his T-shirt to see it. I know his scar will be there forever.

I take the picture and wait for the colors. On the bottom I write, Dad's scar, December 4, 1992, 7:15
PM
. Then I put Dad's shirt back down over his stomach.

Now I've taken all the inside pictures.

I stand up and look at Dad sleeping on the floor. He looks small. His socks are stretched out funny and they're falling off his feet. I take a picture of his feet like that and then I write the time and the date.

In Dad's room, I find clean socks rolled up in a ball. I bring them back to where Dad is sleeping and I sit down by his feet.
It's easy to pull off his dirty socks. The new socks are tight and hard to pull on.

I crawl over to Dad's sleeping face. He can't see me, but I am here and I can see him.

Dad, I whisper, I need to be with Mother.

His arm has a little scab. I pick it off and a dot of red blood comes out of Dad's skin. Just a dot of blood.

I don't hear Cass coming, but there she is standing at the top of the stairs.

Sebby, she whispers, let him rest.

I go over to her. She takes my hand and we walk downstairs to the kitchen.

I made hot chocolate, she says.

We sit at the table and Cass tells me she's going to visit Emma for the night.

I'll leave her number right over by the phone, says Cass, in case you need to call me.

She gets up then and pours hot chocolate into two mugs.

Marshmallows? she asks.

Yes, I say.

She brings the mugs and a bowl of marshmallows to the table.

Will you sleep here tonight? I ask her.

I don't want her to go yet, because Dad already fell asleep and I like her being next to me in the cot by my bed.

How about I go after you're asleep, Cass says. I'll be back tomorrow.

I drop marshmallows into my hot chocolate and watch how they melt.

You could come with me, she says.

No, I tell her.

I try to take a sip, but the hot chocolate's too hot.

At night, when Mother was a girl, she walked in circles around the outside of her white house. She couldn't walk around inside because the floor made spooky creaking noises. So she waited in bed and watched the white numbers on her clock. When the clock said 11:30, then Mother got up and she walked in circles and circles. She didn't go away from the house where the dark was really dark. I know why. Because the dark far away from the house is different. It feels cold and empty. I know how it feels.

In her head, Mother made a decision. She didn't want to sleep anymore. Sleeping made the time go too fast.

To find Mother, I have to walk in circles and then she will take me with her.

It's snowing on me. I don't feel cold.

The snow is quiet. If I hold very still, I can't hear any sounds and then I have to make a noise so that I know I can still hear.

Circles and circles make the time go slow. There is too much time. I want to run to make the time go faster, but I'm so tired.

What happened? Dad's asking me. He keeps asking.

I don't remember. I don't remember going to the shed and falling asleep.

My feet and hands are in bowls of warm water. Dad's walking back and forth. He's walking and looking down at the floor.

You're very lucky, says Dad.

I can feel the bones inside my feet and hands, hurting. I have to keep them in the bowls of warm water.

You gotta stop this shit, Dad says.

I tell him okay. Don't tell Cass, I say, please.

Dad doesn't say anything.

Please, I say.

Dad sits down. Then he gets up again and walks back and forth. He stops and hits the table hard with his fist.

Dad, I say.

Dad's holding his fist.

He's screaming, Oh fuck, shit! He bends over and falls forward on his knees.

Dad's screaming, Fuck! His forehead is on the ground and his shoulders are shaking. He's crying. He's crying and saying, Oh fuck. His voice is lower now, like a whisper.

Dad, I say again, but he doesn't hear me.

Dad's sitting with me at the table. He's watching me write. I'm showing him that I can do it.

See, I say. My hands are working. I can use my hands. I can wiggle my toes, too. My hands and feet are not hurting anymore.

I'm writing,

Dear Katya,

I live in a white house that's very far away from you.

A cat lives here, too. He is my cat and also my dad's.

Remember, we were sitting on the brown carpet and you asked me what I do in the day instead of school. I'm taking pictures with my camera.

I have new friends. Their names are Jackson and Shelly.

You were not nice to me and I don't want to love you anymore.

From, Sebby

Dad says, Katya is your friend.

I shake my head no.

We're not sending the letter, says Dad, you have to be nice to people.

I put down my pencil and it rolls off the table. I watch it land on the floor and roll away until it stops.

She's not nice to me, I tell Dad.

That doesn't matter, he says. He goes and picks up the pencil with his good hand. His hurt hand is wrapped up in an old white T-shirt.

I don't say anything. Dad's looking out the window now so I look out, too. It's snowing outside. Pieces of snow stick to the window.

Then Dad starts saying the words to the song that Van Morrison sings. He says the words about girls rhyming on their way home from school. Dad talks like he's saying something mean. His voice is hard and he's looking out the window at the snow. He says the words about leaves falling and not being able to speak.

The words get stuck in Dad's head and then he has to let them out. This has happened before.

He's standing up with his arms crossed against his chest and his head rocking back and forth. He's saying the words faster and louder.

Dad says the words about cherry wine. His head is rocking and his hand bangs against his chest with each word.

Dad! I yell at him.

He stops then and looks at me.

I'm sorry, he says and he goes.

I follow him and watch him run fast up the stairs. Dad holds out his hand to tell me not to come.

Sebby, he says at the top of the stairs, leave me alone.

I stop and then the house gets quiet. I want Cass to come back from Emma's now.

I look at my new watch. It says 4:57
pm
. I don't know what to do.