Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century (37 page)

This chapter is not only for people who are new to BDSM, or who are unsure about BDSM, or who simply want to include some more intense sensation in their Tantric practice. It is also for people who love and adore BDSM and would like to know how to incorporate Tantric techniques into their play. First, however, I’d like to tell you how I stumbled upon my realization of the inseparable, yin/yang connection between these two sacred arts.

The Needle Mudra

I’ve always been fascinated with the idea of play piercings. Play piercings are temporary piercings. The needles are usually standard hypodermic needles, minus the syringe. These are pierced through small folds of skin anywhere on the body where there is no danger to any blood vessels, nerves, or tendons. They are designed to stay in the skin for a few minutes or a few hours. Sometimes, small weights are attached to the piercings; when the piercee moves or dances, the swinging weights stimulate the needles and the body produces endorphins. The high is euphoric.

In the Olympics of pain, I am more of a sprinter than a long-distance runner. I love the rush of endorphins from a permanent piercing: the feeling of fire when the big needle goes into my flesh, and the wait while the needle is left in place until the endorphins kick in. And then the best part: surfing the waves of altered consciousness in the
afterglow. The long, meditative astral travels that accompany permanent piercings are better than any drug I have ever tried.

But I had never tried play piercings. To satisfy my curiosity, I attended a play piercing demonstration by my friend Raelyn Gallina, the high priestess of piercers. Voyeuring was the whole point of the event, held on the ninth floor of an undistinguished building in New York’s Chelsea district, accessible only by a cramped, battered elevator. On the makeshift stage of what appeared to be an abandoned off-off-Broadway theatre sat two women and Raelyn. One woman was very young, probably just eighteen, with short, dark hair. She wore dark blue jeans and a dark teal zip-up sweatshirt over a neat white T-shirt. The other was older, blonde, and casually elegant in black leather pants and a satin blouse. Both were perched precariously on the edge of excitement and fear.

Raelyn is calm, centered, and entirely focused on her setup: gloves, alcohol, and needles in sealed blue packets. Every imaginable safe and hygienic protocol is in place. She is ready to begin.

The younger woman removes her sweatshirt, her T-shirt, and finally her bra. Raelyn swabs her chest with gauze soaked with alcohol. She speaks to the young woman too softly for me to hear the words. The young woman nods. Raelyn picks up the first needle. She pinches a small bit of skin on the top of the young woman’s breast near the center of her chest, and pushes the needle through the flesh. The young woman winces slightly, then exhales. Raelyn waits. The young woman smiles. Two dozen needles are to follow.

One after another, Raelyn places her needles in a circular pattern, starting at the breastbone. She circles down around the outer edge of the young woman’s breast, beneath her breasts, around the outer edge of the other breast, and back to the first needle at the breastbone. After each needle, Raelyn waits for the young woman to take a breath, letting the endorphins catch up with the piercings. After the first few needles, though, there’s no need to wait. The young woman is clearly enjoying the effect of each subsequent needle more and more. After the last needle, Raelyn picks up a spool of elastic thread. To my amazement, she weaves the thread among the needles until the young woman is wearing a beautiful white spider web of needles and thread on her chest.

Raelyn picks up a thread in the center of the mandala and gives it a tug. I gasp. The young woman seems startled, and then a moment later she grins. The grin turns into a giddy giggle. Then she laughs. Happily.

Now it’s the second woman’s turn. Raelyn does exactly the same thing to her. This woman has clearly done this before. She seems less surprised by the sensations and
she knows how to use her breath to increase the effect of the endorphins. It’s not that she doesn’t feel the pain; she appears quite sensitive. It’s just that she’s learned that she can play the pain like music, changing the pitch and the tone and the volume. I enjoy watching her; I know what she’s doing. I use my breath the same way to build and move sexual energy in my body. I realize I’m breathing in rhythm with her. I’m getting high.

Raelyn keeps on piercing—as focused and present and beautiful as ever. Occasionally, she pauses between needles to give a gentle tug on the first woman’s mandala to keep the endorphins flowing. Raelyn finishes the circle of needles on the second woman’s chest, and then she weaves an identical elastic thread mandala. She gives the center threads a tug. The blonde woman shivers and then smiles.

Raelyn is sitting on a chair in the center of the stage. The first woman sits facing her on her left. The blonde woman is on her right. Raelyn playfully tugs one mandala, and then the other. Then she stands up, moves her chair away, and asks the women to move in closer to each other until their knees are almost touching. She picks up her spool of elastic thread, and my excitement grows as she ties the two webs together.

The two women are now facing each other, their chests not more than eighteen inches apart. They’re gazing into each other’s eyes. As if moved by some instinctual drive, they gently begin to rock back and forth, first toward one, then the other. As they become more confident, their gaze grows stronger, and their breathing becomes deeper and faster. They make an
ahh
sound on each exhale. The rocking becomes more and more active, until I see an endless wave of energy between them. I’m knocked breathless. I’m seeing something totally familiar and something completely alien at the same time. I know this! I have never had a needle mandala on my chest, but I know exactly what they’re feeling. This is the Tantric heart position!

Instead of each partner touching the other’s heart with the palm of their hand, these two are connected by needles and thread! Everything else is the same: the breathing, the rocking back and forth, the eye gazing. This posture can bring up laughter or tears—both of which are happening on the stage this very moment! The young dark-haired woman is smiling through the tears flowing down her cheeks and the blonde woman is simply radiant with joy.

Raelyn had woven a physical diagram of the energy exchange. Tonight, S/M had become visible Tantra! What a mindfuck! I wanted to run out and call every Tantrika I knew and tell them of my most amazing discovery. Both Tantra and this kind of S/M employ the same magic ingredients of sexual energy, endorphins, ritual, and consciousness to attain transcendent states of ecstatic connection. This was Tantra
concretized. Tantra for the concrete. Urban Tantra! My head and my cunt exploded with the possibilities.

Suddenly S/M made sense to me in a way it never had before. I certainly understood that S/M ran on sexual energy and endorphins. But until tonight, I had never understood that it could be a sacred practice. But why not? The guiding principle of Tantra is “Do everything you want to do so long as you do not knowingly harm another or interfere with their spiritual growth.” The guiding principle of BDSM (bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism) is “Do everything you want to do so long as it’s safe, sane, and consensual.” The defining core of both practices is consciousness and the awareness that you are setting up a powerful dynamic for erotic or spiritual purposes. When we see both Tantra and BDSM as sacred sex, we step into the totality of possibilities of sensation and eroticism.

Five Myths about BDSM

Like Tantra, BDSM is a vastly complex and comprehensive practice incorporating a wide variety of play, from the wild to the mild. There are people who have been practicing BDSM their whole adult lives and have never played with needles or any other sharp, shiny instruments. Stories about the wilder and harder activities in BDSM can discourage people from trying any aspect, just as stories about the touchy-feely aspects of Tantra can put off people who love BDSM. Just as we have to change our minds about how sex works to understand Tantra, let’s take a moment to bust some popular myths about BDSM.

MYTH #1: BDSM IS VIOLENCE
. It’s not hard to see how this myth began. BDSM scenes may appear scary and painful if you have never experienced this kind of play. It may seem that the dominant (a.k.a. the top, or sadist) can do anything they want to the submissive (a.k.a. the bottom, or masochist). In reality, both partners negotiate the scene before the action starts. The submissive can stop the scene at any time by uttering a “safe word.”

BDSM has nothing to do with committing violence against a helpless person. Tying someone up and beating them against their will is naked brutality. It’s not BDSM. BDSM operates under the all-important credo: safe, sane, and consensual.
Safe
means that precautions are taken to keep everyone involved safe from physical harm.
Sane
means that the players are not under the influence of drugs or alcohol and are not doing anything mean or malicious, and that everyone’s emotional and mental
safety is being cared for.
Consensual
means that everyone participating is doing so because they want to; no coercion of any kind is taking place. This means that neither partner will do lasting physical or emotional harm to the other; and neither partner will do anything to the other without their consent. BDSM is consensual; violence is not.

MYTH #2: BDSM IS SICK
. In other words, only seriously disturbed people would want to beat someone up or get beaten up.

BDSM covers a range of activities, from light bondage and role playing to sensory games and body modification. The pain level can range from intense to nonexistent. It’s all up to the individuals negotiating the scene. One submissive said that the most exciting bondage her master ever put her in required no ropes, chains, or restraints of any kind. He simply had her kneel and then said two words: “Don’t move.”

BDSM is not an aberration. As much as 50 percent of the population is thought to have some interest in the subject, and mainstream media is full of BDSM-inspired art and erotica. Although historically BDSM behavior was listed as a psychological problem along with masturbation and homosexuality, like the latter two, it no longer is. BDSM-like practices have been performed in many cultures and by many spiritual seekers, including early Christian mystics, Native Americans, and Indian Fakirs. The energy built in these rituals can be used for spiritual journeys, as an offering to a deity, and for personal bliss.

MYTH #3: YOU COULD BE SERIOUSLY INJURED OR KILLED
. True, but the same could be said of driving an automobile or walking past a construction site. BDSM is not particularly dangerous; most BDSM activities are completely safe, but some activities require more skill and practice than others. It doesn’t take a federal safety inspector to figure out that playing with ropes, chains, whips, canes, electricity, and needles can be dangerous if you don’t know what you’re doing. This is where the safe and sane rule comes into play. If you want to play with a toy or technique you haven’t used before, ask a more experienced player to teach you how to do it safely. BDSM players are extremely concerned with safety and usually are very open about sharing their expertise. If you want someone to use a particular toy on you, make sure they know how to play with it safely before you start a scene.

MYTH #4: PEOPLE WHO DO BDSM WERE ALL ABUSED AS CHILDREN
. People with an interest in BDSM come from all sorts of family backgrounds, all walks of life, and all genders and sexual orientations. Some people who come from abusive backgrounds
find BDSM completely unappealing; others find it to be an important part of their healing. Most BDSM aficionados come from healthy families, as do most other erotic explorers. Some identify as “lifers,” having had BDSM fantasies from their earliest memories. Some players felt a connection the first time they tried BDSM and then proceeded to become regular or not-so-regular players.

MYTH #5: BDSM HURTS TOO MUCH
. Lots of people who love BDSM hate pain. Pain is not a mandatory part of any scene. Sadism/masochism involves pain, but bondage/discipline and dominance/submission can be completely pain free. Submissives who do like pain experience it in a wide variety of ways. Some receive the sting of a crop or the bite of a flogger as a kind of sexual pleasure. Some people who suffer from chronic pain claim that the focused pain they experience in S/M alleviates their chronic pain. Other people like the feeling of power they experience from being able to transmute painful stimuli into pleasure.

Consensual pain, when administered carefully, in measured doses, releases powerful endorphins that give some people a great deal of pleasure and peace.

As your practice of Tantra deepens, it is increasingly likely that you may want to expand your sexual/spiritual repertoire to include something found more commonly in a dungeon than an ashram. Go for it! It is not necessary to make a lifetime commitment to anything other than listening to your body and your spirit, and asking for what you really want and need. If on Tuesday what you want is a massage with feathers, great. If on Friday you’re begging to be flogged, also great. So long as your partners agree that they are comfortable giving you what you want, go for it.

Using Tantra to Enhance BDSM

Many of the ways elements of BDSM can enhance a Tantric practice are scattered throughout this book. Here we will focus on the ways Tantra can enhance BDSM.

In 2003, I was invited by author and sex educator Tristan Taormino to facilitate two Urban Tantra workshops at Dark Odyssey, a pioneering gathering of people from the Tantric, BDSM, Polyamorous, Pagan, and Queer communities. When I stepped into the workshop room—a dungeon—for the first time, I was scared. At least half the attendees were experienced BDSM players. Although my form of Tantra welcomed a harder touch and a darker look than some Tantric practices, did it really have anything to offer people who were as devoted to BDSM as these folks?