Valentine (29 page)

'Lilyhe'stheonewithagirlfriend,' Valentine replied.

'He's only with her because of what you did!' Lily shot
back. Valentine was impressed by Lily's ability to understand
her when she was having difficulty understanding
herself. 'I could have been with Frank for the last thirty
years instead of the last ten. We made such a mistake
staying in our marriages. I know you look at me and think
my life is nearly over and I should be knitting or collecting
china figurines of Disney princesses or thinking that
EastEnders
is the highlight of my day just because I'm old,
but I still feel the loss of those years in here.' At this Lily
clasped a hand to her heart. 'Don't throw it away!' she
said again, with tears in her eyes.

Lily's outburst had a dramatic sobering effect on
Valentine, who put a hand up to her own face and found
that it was wet with tears. 'Oh Lily, don't you see? I've
already thrown it away – I did that when I slept with
Finn. If Jack had any feelings for me he would have turned
up tonight. The most I can hope for is to be friends with
him.'

'No! I won't let you say that! Come on, sort yourself
out. I know that Jack is up there now.'

'Have you seen him?' Valentine asked, getting the heart-racing
feeling, worse than usual because she was drunk.

Lily shook her head. 'No, I just feel it.' She fussed around
Valentine for the next few minutes, applying face powder,
taking off the red lipstick that Valentine had so drunkenly
applied. 'You looked more Coco the Clown than Coco
Chanel,' she told her as she wiped it off, leaving just a
subtle red stain on her lips. She stood back and surveyed
her work. 'Much better now.' She took Valentine's arm.

Upstairs Lily paused by the bar and looked around.
Even though Valentine just knew that Jack wouldn't be
there, she was still disappointed when they drew a blank.
Even Lily looked slightly crestfallen and usually (the last
scene in the bathroom excepted) she was the queen of
optimism. 'He'll be here,' she insisted, steering Valentine
away from Robbie, who was frantically gesticulating with
a cigarette, and installed her at a table as far away as
possible from him.

'Right young lady, I'm getting you a glass of water and
a black coffee, so stay here,' Lily told her and headed
back to the bar.

Valentine watched as Lily was surrounded by friends,
then she gestured to Robbie to come over. 'Let's go outside
and have that cigarette,' she said as soon as he had bounded
over eagerly, making Valentine think of the Andrex puppy,
even though at over six foot Robbie was not in the least
roly poly – it must be the hair, she thought, and the eyes.
She got up and Robbie was quick to put his arm round
her. 'Don't let Lily see us,' she whispered. 'And on the way
out, grab my drink, will you?' She wanted to forget what
Lily had told her, wanted oblivion. Jack was not coming.

* * *

Outside the air was cool on her bare skin. Valentine shivered
and choked slightly on the cigarette Robbie had lit
for her. She hadn't had one for ages and even as she
inhaled, she regretted it. She was going to feel so rough
in the morning. Robbie took off his denim jacket and put
it round her shoulders.

'Thanks, you're such a sweetheart,' she said.

'So, do you want to come back to my place?' Robbie
asked tentatively. 'Everyone's out and I've got a bottle of
vodka.'

'Robbie that's very sweet of you, but—'

'Stop telling me I'm sweet!' Robbie cut across her
angrily. 'I'm not sweet! I really like you, Valentine – I
have done for the longest time.' He stood in front of her.
'I'm in love with you.'

Perhaps it was the prisoner/governor fixation? Robbie
had really taken their role play very seriously – a little
too seriously, perhaps. How was she going to get out of
this one? She wished for the millionth time that she could
have been more like Lauren; she'd have told Robbie to
shut up – no hard feelings.

'But you just want Jack, don't you?' Robbie said bitterly.

There was no point in pretending she didn't know
exactly what he meant, so Valentine just nodded and whispered,
'Yes.' And she handed Robbie back his jacket and
went back inside. As if reflecting her mood the band were
playing 'God only knows.' A drunken, heartbroken wreck
apparently, Valentine answered to the line
God only knows
what I'd be without you
.

Lily took her arm and frogmarched her to Nathan and
Lauren. 'Give this girl water and nothing else,' she ordered
before joining Frank on the dance floor.

'Finished with toy boy already then?' Lauren
demanded, ignoring the order and pouring Valentine a
generous glass of white wine.

Valentine picked it up and took a large swig, then
grimaced and said, 'You're not supposed to mix the grain
and the grape, are you? Where does vodka come from?'

'Well it's not from a grape, is it?' Lauren shot back.
'You don't hear them say it's been a fine year for the
Smirnoff grapes, do you? Anyway, answer my question:
what have you done with Robbie? Is it the start of a
beautiful friendship or a one-night stand?'

'I'm not like you, Lauren. I don't do one night stands,
as you know.' She glanced at Nathan. 'Oh sorry Nathan,
I didn't mean that to sound like it did.'

Nathan rolled his eyes. 'Let's hope Lauren doesn't do
them anymore either.'

'Well make sure you keep me happy then,' Lauren
replied, but she gave him a kiss to show she didn't really
mean it. God, she really had mellowed. 'Come on, let's
dance.' Lauren stood up and grabbed Nathan's hand.
'Will you be OK?' he asked, trailing after Lauren.

Valentine nodded and held up the bottle of wine. 'We'll
be fine.'

She was back to feeling drunk. Lily's shock outburst
had sobered her up temporarily, but now the units had
caught up with her. Everything around her was ever so
slightly out of focus, but that seemed like a lovely thing
right now. The table lamps gave off a warm, fuzzy orange
glow, like fireflies she imagined, not that she'd ever seen
any in real life. Or did she mean glow worms? The music
was making her feel very maudlin. She'd just sit here nice
and quietly, drink her wine and go home. She took another
sip and thought of how the scene would look in a film.
There she'd be, the talented but tragically underrated
actress, unlucky in love, drinking herself into oblivion, in
a jazz club. It seemed very Billy Holiday. Very glamorous,
though she probably should be smoking to complete the
picture.

'There's nothing glamorous in drinking yourself into
oblivion.' Lily was standing by the table with a cup of
black coffee, which she placed in front of Valentine.
'Cirrhosis of the liver isn't pretty. You turn yellow eventually
and you've always said that yellow isn't your colour.
And you're right; you'd look bloody dreadful in it.'

'LilyIloveyoubutgivemeabreak.' She'd gone back to the
slurry mad drunken speaking. But then everything faded
into the background because there, standing next to Lily,
was Jack.

'Happy anniversary Lily,' he said, putting his arm round
her and kissing her. 'I'm sorry I'm so late.'

'You're here – that's all that matters,' Lily said, smiling.
'Anyway I'm sure you've got things to discuss with
Valentine,' she said meaningfully. 'Do get the girl to drink
some coffee.' Then she left them. As ever, Lily was about
as subtle as a herd of marauding elephants. 'Subtlety –
never Lily's strong point I remember,' Jack said as he sat
down next to Valentine. 'Fleming, are you drunk?' So he
was back to calling her Fleming again.

'Very.' And freed of any inhibitions, Valentine
plunged straight in. 'Please sayyouforgivemeaboutwhatIdid.
Iregretitsomuch.'

'Pardon?' Jack said, clearly lacking Lily's ability to
understand drunken gibberish.

Valentine took a deep breath, and spoke as deliberately
as she could. 'I am drunk but even if I wasn't I
would still say this: please tell me you can forgive me for
what I did.'

'So we're not going to do the polite "how are you?"
"Oh I'm just fine," bollocks routine we've been doing for
the last month,' Jack replied, gazing at her – or at least
she thought he was, but there seemed to be two of him
right now. 'I think I do forgive you.'

Now was the moment to tell him. She would dive into
the unknown. 'I've got something else to tell you. I don't
care if it messes up the filming; I have got to tell you.'

'No wait, I've got something to tell you.'

But neither of them got the chance to speak because
just then there was a shriek of 'Jack! Darling,' and an all-too-familiar
petite blonde raced towards the table.
Tamara. Jack looked completely stunned to see her.

'Didn't you get my message?' he asked when Tamara
finally stopped showering his face with kisses.

Talk about bad timing!
Valentine thought bitterly. Now
NTM was there she'd never know what Jack was about
to tell her. But Jack didn't look at all pleased to see Tamara,
and Valentine was sure she wasn't imagining this, even
in her altered state.

'What message?' Tamara said brightly, 'I had to see
you!' She gazed at him, clinging on to his arm and totally
blanking Valentine. She had thought it wasn't possible to
loathe NTM any more than she already did, but found
a new depth to her feelings.

Jack coughed and looked awkward. 'You remember
Valentine.'

Tamara turned her face and looked at Valentine with
her huge blue eyes. 'Of course! I'm so sorry I didn't recognise
you! You look so different. I can't work out what it
is.' She narrowed her eyes and looked Valentine up and
down. 'Oh I can see now! You've lost weight. Piers must
be so relieved; I know he was terribly worried that you
might have an eating disorder.'

Bitch.
'Oh, because I actually eat something?' Valentine
replied.

Tamara ignored the sarcasm in her voice. 'But I'm
sorry to hear it didn't work out between you. I know he
took the fall-out pretty badly.'

'What the fuck are you on about?' Valentine demanded.

Tamara's eyes widened. 'I'm sure I don't need to remind
you! How you threw Piers's offer of a film role back in
his face, told him you wouldn't ever want to appear in
one of his movies. How you were vicious to Olivia.'
Tamara had the look of a cat playing with a mouse.

'I don't know what you're talking about, Tamara, or
why you're getting off on saying things like this. But that
is definitely not what happened.' Valentine got up.

'Are you OK?' Jack asked, looking at her with concern.

Valentine felt like a woman on the edge, but no way
did she want to let on how much Tamara's words had
upset her. 'Fine. I think I have a phone call to make.
Could you tell Frank and Lily that I've had to go?' She
was utterly stunned by Tamara's comments.

'Sure, let me get you a taxi,' Jack replied.

Valentine shook her head. 'I could do with a walk.' The
night no longer seemed full of possibilities, but dead ends
and dead hopes. How foolish she'd been to think that she
could tell Jack how she felt. It was all pointless. He was
with Tamara, end of story. She found herself walking back
to Piccadilly. She reached the corner of Haymarket and
looked up. Lily's golden divers were tumbling through the
sky. Now they did not seem such a symbol of hope. They
were falling into the darkness and there was nothing to
catch them. But suddenly Jack was by her side, out of
breath from running to catch up with her.

'I wanted to see you were OK. Lily thought you might
be here. I'm really sorry you had to hear that from
Tamara.' He hadn't put on his jacket in his rush to catch
up with her and was just wearing a white shirt and jeans.
How Valentine longed to put her arms around him! If
she could just hold him again then maybe she could be
diving into hope and not despair. He reached out his hand
and brushed a tear away from her cheek. 'Hey, don't cry.
I'm sure you can sort things out with Piers. Tamara was
most likely exaggerating; she has that tendency.'

'I'm not sure that I'm crying about that,' Valentine
replied. 'Look up there: Lily's favourite sculptures.'

Jack followed her gaze upwards. 'They're perfect.'

'If only life could be like that,' Valentine replied.
'Simple, straightforward, no darkness, no shadows.'

'It's not like that though, is it?' Jack replied. 'It's dark,
shadows, mess.' He looked back at her. This was the
moment to tell him that she loved him.

'I'll get you that taxi.' And within what seemed a matter
of seconds he had hailed her a taxi, was seeing her safely
in and walking swiftly away.

Valentine watched him go. The taxi was stuck in traffic.
If this was a film
, Valentine thought,
he'd turn round and run
back to me and tell me that he loved me
. He didn't turn round.

She expected that the late night would have taken its toll
on Lily and Frank, but even so she was shocked by how
drawn Frank looked when he opened the door to her the
next day.

'Hi Frank, fantastic night wasn't it? I think.' Valentine
winced. Even with painkillers her head was still throbbing,
as if sadistic gnomes were drilling into her skull.
But it wasn't just the hangover making her feel so bad.
She kept replaying the events of the day before in her
head. She was hoping that Lily might inject some optimism
into her about her relationship with Jack, as well
as have some wisdom to offer about what to do about
Piers.

'Come in, V. I'm sure Lily would love to see you. She's
in her bedroom.'

'Oh, drank a little too much champagne like me?'
Valentine asked, following Frank through to Lily's
bedroom, or rather boudoir because her room was a fabulous
mix of burgundy velvet curtains, red and purple silk
throws and an amazing gold headboard on her bed,
shaped like a scallop. Lily looked tiny lying on the bed
and not at all well.