Vampire Taxonomy (16 page)

If you answered “yes” to two or more of these questions, you’re most likely partaking in an unhealthy vampire relationship, or dating a vampire jerk, or even worse, a Villain (especially if you’re losing time and hearing his voice in your head). You should strongly consider alternative options for dating (werewolves are uncommonly loyal). If you answered “no” to all of the questions, make sure to keep these scenarios in the back of your mind as possible warning signs that you’re on a dangerous path. But take some comfort in the fact that you may have found one of the rare “good egg” vampire anomalies. Hopefully your relationship will make it through the cravings, mood swings, and outdoor issues (but never forget that you’re dealing with a blood addict).

This should really go without saying, but do not date a non-vegan vamp. If you feel comfortable sharing your life with someone who has no qualms about murder, then maybe you shouldn’t be in a relationship after all. In fact, you shouldn’t really be out and about in the world. You put your own life and everyone around you at risk when you condone this type of behavior. Just saying.

Although plenty of vampires don’t need to kill to feed, that still doesn’t mean they’re safe. Think of it this way: You wouldn’t keep a pet in the house that sometimes bites hard enough to draw blood (whether or not you believe it can restrain itself). Despite what you think, this isn’t just about you and your safety; it’s best to stick to the vampires who refuse to drink from an actual person. Synthetic blood, blood banks, and animal blood are all fine substitutes for the real thing, no matter how much the partaker complains. (Certain exemptions can be made for sexual encounters, depending on the type of vampire and your own willingness to allow them a little nibble; see the section on setting boundaries later in this chapter.)

Even with the vegan vampires, you’re taking great liberties with your own life as well as the lives of those around you. Everyone makes mistakes, but you certainly don’t want to expose your family, friends, and pets to the possibility of getting drained.

Another point of caution you should take under consideration while dating a vampire isn’t just your beloved’s diet, but his friends’ needs as well. It’s almost inevitable that your vampire love will put you in the presence of other vampires; this can be both a positive and dangerously negative situation as well.

Whether your darling is a stand-up member of the undead club or not, your paths will invariably cross with both good and bad vampires. Be it a Saturday night gang of buddies ready to throw back a warm A-positive beverage, or a past foe out to settle a score from the Civil War, you will have to deal with other vampire dietary issues and attitudes.

Not all vampires are human-friendly, and when dating a vampire you will meet both humans and vamps who will look down on your union. You need to be prepared for both sets of prejudices.

Set the rules early; for example, no vampires who kill should ever be invited into your abode, poker night or not. Also do not attempt to win over your lover’s buddies on your own; make sure that if you’re in the presence of other members of the immortal world, your significant other is always present. Don’t be afraid to ask him to consider letting old ties to bad vampires go. But approach this request in a mature and calm manner to avoid a fight: “I’m afraid so-and-so wants to eat me” is a pretty direct way to handle it. If he puts up a fuss, then perhaps this isn’t the vampire for you.

As far as humans who are anti-vampire love, be wary as well. You’re breaking new ground should you choose to take your love public, and you need to be ready for possibly rude questions from other mortals. The best way to get around uncomfortable situations is to introduce your undead friend to those who are confused, and let them make their minds up for themselves. Be patient, but do not tolerate vampiric slander or violence. You may find that you too may also have to give up a few members of your friend circle if they go off into the deep end of aggressive and abusive vampire hate.

Before you hop into the coffin with a member of the vampiric race, make sure you lay out the ground rules. Setting appropriate and mutually respected boundaries could save your mortal life.

Just as you would with any mate, make sure the vamp knows the deal-breaker moves during intimate moments. In the heat of the moment, when the lights go down and the fangs come out, make sure you and your undead partner are both aware of what is acceptable behavior. Setting the rules ahead of time avoids uncomfortable and possibly lethal “accidents.”

For instance, if you’re planning on incorporating a little nibbling in the bedroom, know the level of lethal vampire venom your significant other holds in his system. Some kinds of vampires only need to break the skin and the slightest bit of venom will begin the turning process. If this is the case for your vampire, fang play should be off limits unless you use a retainer-like fang guard. Think of it as a vampire prophylactic.
⁷⁶

Certain attitudes and actions in your life will need to be tweaked a bit if you want your vampiric love relationship to last. Learn the difference between slanderous vampire slang and cute pop culture terms. Check out the glossary in the back as a reference guide. Also, rid yourself of silver jewelry and gratuitous religious symbols. Although the Mark of Cain vampires are rare these days, they still exist, and they’re not particularly fond of religious paraphernalia. This doesn’t mean you can’t continue with your religious practice; you just need to be mindful of actions that could potentially harm your mate. This particular type of vampire is most vulnerable to these ancient traditions, so it’s best you remove from your home objects that physically cause pain to your vampire. Sit down with your vamp and talk openly about offensive or dangerous items you may be holding in your house; decide together what should be kept and what should be removed. Remember, you wouldn’t leave offensive material on display in your home for a human guest; a respected vampire should be treated the same. Get educated on what
is
and
isn’t
offensive, and keep it in mind as it applies to your daily routine.
⁷⁷

The pop culture TV series
True Blood
(based on the Sookie Stackhouse book series) isn’t far off with its Hollywood representations of the high tension that exists between vampire rights groups and antivampire activist groups. Both the Fellowship of the Sun (antivampire) and the American Vampire League (provampire) are interesting examples of some of the many underground organizations out there in the real world. Granted, the vampire’s supernatural struggle isn’t playing out on the television for the world to see, but it’s still as intense and heated a debate as ever.

Know the hot-button issues for your vampire mate, be they tension within his own echelon of government or the neighborhood watch. He will appreciate the effort you put in, and the time and care you invest in this area will allow the two of you to function as a couple without other issues getting in the way.

Never forget that you are dating someone with immense powers and the ability to take action against mere mortals, including you, with a flick of a pale wrist. A vampire in love is a dangerous thing if you are not clear and concise with all of your intentions and interactions.

For example, imagine the guilt you’ll feel when you wake up to discover that your old junior high bully has been mysteriously dropped from the top of a tall building, but not before losing copious amounts of blood. Why is your old bully deceased? Because the night before, you got tipsy with your vampire beloved and drunkenly shared how mean and nasty the bully was to you back in the day, before admitting that you’d like nothing more than to see him served a plate of cold justice. A vampire, someone who has wavering respect for the fragile mortal condition, could easily take that as a sign or hint. Even if he doesn’t think you implied murder, he could consider it an act of passion: the ultimate gift.

In order to prevent murderous misunderstandings, it’s imperative that you be completely clear with your intentions, even when spoken in jest. Make sure to make it known that when you say things to the tune of “I wish he could be dangled off the Empire State Building by his ankles,” your vampire doesn’t run off to go surprise the unsuspecting subject of your ire.

If you’re dating a vamp, you’re going to have to give up some of your sunny days in trade for a healthy relationship. Sure, you could attempt to keep your vampire partner awake in the day and out of the harsh and skin-charring sunlight (if he happens to be a non-sun-friendly type). But forcing a nocturnal species to live in the day is both cruel and unusual. In fact, it could even be dangerous for
you
, as prolonged daytime exposure can be directly related to a vampire’s moods and behavior. The longer you keep a vamp awake, the hungrier he’s going to get. And you don’t want a vampire snapping at you.

Sacrifices must be made in order to keep both sides happy. Rotate nights versus days, and make sure you both get out of the house on some nights. Just because it’s dark doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the night. Try looking for late-night spots as a surprise for your undead other. It will show him that you’re not completely dependent on him to carry the evening part of this relationship.

Also it’s important to be receptive to experiences that may normally seem strange or foreign to a human. You probably never had a fang-gasm before either, but wasn’t that worth the risk of trying something new? Be open to new experiences that are safe with your vampire.

Something needs to be said about respecting each other’s space as well. As you get to know one another there will be a lot of uncomfortable moments you’ll both need to work through. Until then, if your vamp’s eyes go completely black, his forehead rumples, veins pop up on his cheeks, or you witness any other type of vampire adrenaline reaction, make sure to give your vamp the space he needs to feed in private.

Even if the two of you pinky-swore over a coffin to love and cherish each other all the immortal days of your life, there’s no getting around the fact that you’re hitched up to something that feeds on humans. Make no mistake: Things can go wrong, and you could end up on the business end of a fang.