Vampires and Sexy Romance (93 page)

“We’re going!”  I sprang out of bed and threw my coat on over my gown, snatching up my clothes from the empty chair and dragging Bess out of the room with me.

“I could’ve taken that little bitch!”  Bess seethed when we got into the ER restroom.  I needed to change into my clothes and not traipse around the city with nothing on but a hospital gown.

“Sure you could, tiger.”

Bess leaned up against a sink and lit a cigarette.  “If she wasn’t in that fucking Florence Nightingale outfit, I would’ve taken her down!”

I smiled and laughed at my friend.  Leave it to her to cheer me up at a time like this.  “The deck was stacked against you.  She has big strong orderlies and hard leather restraints.”

Bess flicked her ash on the tile floor.  “I’m starting to like Florence Bitch-in-gale even better.  Nothing like a few studs with restraints to kick a night off.”

“You’re hopeless,”  I said as I dropped the hospital gown in the trash and threw my arms around her.

“And you’re just too corny for words.”  She fell silent for a moment and I felt her stiffen in my embrace.  “What if you are pregnant?”

I shook my head as I stepped away from her.  “I thought you were supposed to cheer me up?”

“But what if you’re knocked up?  Are you going to have it?  Are you going to --?”

“I don’t know!”  My voice just shot right out of me, sounding desperate and angry at the same time.  Tears filled and seared my eyes.  “I don’t know ...”

Bess wrapped her arms around my shoulders and hugged me, smoothing a hand over my funky, messed-up hair.  “Okay, okay ... don’t go all fainting on me --”

“I didn’t faint!”

“Okay, okay...you were knocked unconscious by an invisible brick Wiley Coyote dropped on you.  That better?”

I swiped at the tears running down my face, but I could feel my lips curving into a smile.  “I always wanted to be the road runner.”

“And I always wanted to be Bugs Bunny ... at least I fuck like a fucking rabbit.”

When I finally got the tears to stop, and I’d washed all the smudged make up off my face, we emerged from the restroom and slipped out of the hospital into the harsh light of day.

I was surprised that nothing had changed.  It was as if the world didn’t know what a screwed up mess my life was.  It just went on oblivious to my pain.  And that, for some god-forsaken reason comforted me as Bess and I walked the blocks back to my apartment.

*****

Chapter
25

I woke to the sounds of someone gently rapping at my front door.  Night blacked out my windows and Bess lay deeply asleep on the couch, a pizza box lay empty on the coffee table.

I stepped lightly to the door and heard Dean’s voice through the door.  I opened up and held my finger to my lips, pointing over to Bess asleep on the couch.  I led him back into my bedroom, suddenly remembering everything: Gus, the pregnancy test, the two looks Dean had had on his face -- one so happy when he heard the word pregnancy test, the other dark and angry when Gus had suddenly dropped his bomb.

But the look on his face right then was neither.  The look was complete and total sadness.

“We’re not pregnant.”  And his head dropped.

Inwardly I was torn.  I felt so badly for Dean, but I was so glad I wasn’t pregnant.  I was just glad he had dropped his gaze and couldn’t see the relief on my face.

But he looked so devastated, involuntarily I stepped closer and rested my forehead on his chest, my arms clasping about his ribs and back.  I could feel his breathing rough and uneven, and all I wanted to do was make him feel better.

That’s when I kissed him, pulling his familiar, handsome face to mine, pressing our lips together, and pressing my body against his.  I just wanted to make him feel better...

I pulled his shirt open, running my hands down his soft skin, the hard muscles, pulling him with me toward the bed.  Moments later I had his shirt off and his pants unbuckled and pushed halfway down his ass.  I rolled a condom over his hard, throbbing manhood and guided him into me.  He moaned as he pressed himself fully into me, and his arms shook with all the emotions running through his veins.

But I just lay there, not feeling anything for him anymore.  The heat that sex with Dean had always elicited in me was extinguished.  His kiss felt just like any other kiss.  I tried to act like I was enjoying having him inside me ... but the entire time I was wishing that it was Gus inside me instead.  Gus naked on my bed with me.  Gus kissing me.

Suddenly I realized Dean had stopped making love to me and was staring down at me, his eyes glued to mine.  Slowly he looked away and shook his head.  Pulling himself slowly from inside me he rolled off me and onto his back, his expression dazed.

He gulped.

“You were just going to fuck me ... to what?  To make me feel better?”

The time for lies was over.  I had to face the truth ... at least the truth that was lying in my bed.

“I just wanted ... to make you happy.”

Dean sat up on the side of the bed and sighed.  He wouldn’t look at me as he stood and pulled his pants back up and then tugged on his shirt.  And as he moved to the door of my bedroom I wanted to say something to him, but my mouth couldn’t find the words.  The only sound was of the door shutting behind him with a soft thud.

*****

The next morning Bess woke early and dragged me from my bed for breakfast at the diner three blocks away.  I hadn’t been sleeping.  I had been wondering what kind of person was I.  If I could be with him and then let myself get emotionally involved with another man, if I could just stop feeling what I had been feeling for Dean, and if I could let Dean make love to me even though I felt next to nothing when he was doing it -- was I a monster, or just a morally bankrupt human being?

I told Bess about him coming over the night before, that I wasn’t pregnant, and that I’d tried to have sex with him to make him feel better ... but in truth it had been to make me feel better, not in a sexual way, but in a guilt kind of way.

Bess sat there holding her coffee cup in her hands, her face didn’t have a stitch of make up on it, and so it was hard to tell what she was thinking.  Suddenly she looked up at me and her eyes were aglow with disbelief.

“I can’t believe it.”

“I know,”  I said, looking down to find my hands had a white knuckle grip on my own coffee cup.  “I just felt so guilty about Gus that I wanted to make it up to Dean ... I think that’s why I did it.  I don’t know ... whatever it was, it was a mistake --”

“No,” Bess cut across me.  “I can’t fucking believe you!”

My head snapped back at the venom in her voice, my jaw dropping as she leaned forward and stared hard into my eyes.

“You’ve got this great guy, who’s hotter than a house fire and sweet as can be, and just because you’re infatuated with this Gus guy you suddenly don’t feel anything for your guy!  Nothing at all!”

I gulped.  “I didn’t know you felt so strongly toward Dean.”  And the instant I said it I regretted it.  It sounded like I was accusing her of something when all I meant was I didn’t know she even cared.  “I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”

The disbelief in her eyes shifted and ignited into rage.  “Which didn’t you mean?”  She leaned back in her seat and stared at me.  “That I could feel anything besides an orgasm, or that I was interested in your boyfriend?  Or should I say, your ex-boyfriend.”

“Bess,”  I said but she’d already stood up and pulled a five out of her purse, throwing it on the table, not bothering  to even look at me as she speed walked out of the dinner, the large glass door to the place slamming shut behind her.

I dropped my head into my hands, pressing gently on the sides of my skull, feeling one hell of a headache brewing inside it.  When I looked up a couple guys in construction worker getups were smirking at me.  One lifted his head and smiled. 

“Trouble on the isle of Lesbos?

“What?”  I suddenly woke up from my daze. “Are you kidding me?” 

“Hey,”  The construction guy said, putting up his hands in faux resignation.  “If I were you I’d count myself lucky, you know, kiss her ass, ‘cause she’s way out of your league.”

Jesus, I thought, I’m getting heckled by complete strangers now!

The construction workers oooooohed as I stood and threw another five on the table.  That pissed me off, so I threw them the finger as I marched past their table.

“Did you see that, boys?  Only a true lady can get away with acting like that in public --”

“Too bad that ain’t no lady!”  They all cried in chorus.

When I got outside I scanned the street for Bess.  She’d only had a few moments head start, but she was already gone.  I leaned up against the brick of the building and held my head again.  It had been a shitty week, and a heinous morning.  How could I piss off so many people with such little effort?  First Dean -- I’d really hurt him.  That look on his face when Gus had confronted him, and the look he had when he left me last night. 

If I didn’t feel like a monster before, I sure as hell did now.

And then there was Bess.  Bess who was always on my side, always there for me.  And now she was just as pissed and hurt as Dean was.

And I really hadn’t done anything.  Gus had kissed me.  Gus had come all the way to my apartment and ... and...

And He’d been goddamn right.  I did want him.  I wanted him in ways I couldn’t even explain to myself.  In ways I couldn’t handle, that was already more than obvious.

I righted myself and tripped when I started to walk.  It was like my knees were about to give out on me with every step. 

But where was I going?

I didn’t want to go home.  Whatever trouble might be heading my way probably knew my address.  And Bess was out of the question, and I’d already dumped on Mother enough for one life time.

Dad was out of the country on business, so even if we had that kind of relationship, he was too far removed to be a help.

Then I stopped in my tracks, standing in the middle of the sidewalk as people rushed and bumped past me.  A panel of memory fell into place, and I remembered how that memory had given me such peace and solace.

I stepped out into the street and caught the next cab.  Flopping into the back seat and pulling the door shut I didn’t hear the driver at first.  But then I heard him say “Hey, I ain’t got all freaking day, lady.  Where to?”

“The Zoo.”  I said, biting my lower lip as the cab lurched out into traffic.

*****

The sun was hot and bright, but there was a sly northern wind that kept the heat at bay, causing goose flesh to cover my legs and arms.  Standing by the rod iron gates I peered across the shimmering water of the man made pond and watched as two polar bears frolicked in the ice capped water.  Another bear lounged in the shade of the lee of a boulder.  I stood there holding onto the iron of the gate, white knuckled grip, shaking not from the breeze but from there being too much swirling in my head.

My life was so simple and uncluttered just a couple months ago.  There was work and Chinese takeout and going alone to the movies on Saturday night.  But then there was Dean.  And he was so what I needed, and more than what I thought I’d wanted.  And then out of nowhere there was Gus and he was nothing that I needed or wanted.  And yet he was ... he is all I think about, all I want.

But that’s ridiculous.  No ... That’s goddamn pathetic!

And now I’m standing alone staring at polar bears like when I was a kid, except now the bears aren’t working their magic, they’re not taking away all those thoughts I can’t handle anymore.  They’re just bears, and though beautiful, they won’t be helping me with my problems.

I felt a hand squeeze my shoulder, and when I turned there was Mother standing there looking absolutely gorgeous, except for the worried expression on her face.  And I felt a tug on my heart as I realized that that worried expression was for me.

“Hey,”  she said, taking my arm and standing very close to me.

“What are you doing here?”  I hated the cracked relief in my voice.

“Well, everyone’s looking for you.” 

I turned to her and shook my head.  “Who?”

“Bess for one.”  Mother conjured a cigarette out of thin air and lit it, drawing in long and deep.  When she spoke again she looked like a dragon.  “Seems she said something she regrets --”

“But it was the truth!”

“True or not, she regrets it and has been looking for you for hours.  Called me twice alone.”

“I didn’t handle ... any of it right.”  I leaned against Mother and she drew her arm over the back of my shoulders.

“No one handles love or sex correctly.   That’s why they’re both so powerful.”

I turned and looked at her profile while she kept talking, suddenly sounding much wiser than she had any business being.”

“And when you get both from the same person, or at least you feel them for the same person, then you’re capable of doing most anything ... capable of giving up your dearest wishes, all for love and sex.”  She looked to me, eyebrow rising with dramatic flair.  “And if either leaves you, then you’re really fucked up.”