Veils of Silk (47 page)

"The next day, I was doing some embroidery in my room, pretending everything was normal. But I couldn't help thinking about what he had done to me—and how much I had
enjoyed
it… ! A kind of madness came over me, like a furious scarlet fog. The next thing I knew, I was kneeling on the floor with my sewing scissors in my hand. In my rage, I had slashed the upholstery of a wing chair into ribbons."

She closed her eyes for a bitter moment. "I wanted to kill Edward. If he had been there, I would have. That's when I realized that I was truly my parents' child. I swore then never to allow myself to get into such a situation again. Then I met you, and it seemed like it might be possible to have a marriage that would be safe." Raising her gaze to her husband, she said, "But it hasn't worked out that way. Once, briefly, I considered telling you that you should seek physical satisfaction elsewhere. The very thought of it made me murderous. I'm dangerous enough now. If I surrendered to the wild, Russian side of my nature, God only knows what I would be capable of."

Ian leaned against the wall, looking as drained as she felt. Choosing his words carefully, he said, "Everyone has the capacity to be violent in the right—or wrong—circumstances. That doesn't mean you're incapable of a normal married life. Though you are your parents' child, you are also yourself. At sixteen, passion burns like wildfire in almost everyone—it's part of being young. I did things at that age that I'd rather not think about, and would certainly never do again. You can't predict the rest of your life based on how you behaved then."

"Perhaps, with another man for whom I had milder feelings, it would be possible," she said bleakly. "But not with you, Ian, for I care too much. And you aren't an entirely safe person, either. Remember how furious you were when you thought I was too flirtatious at the ball? The night ended in farce, but it could as easily have been tragedy."

"I'll admit that the thought of wringing your neck has crossed my mind more than once. A woman like you could unbalance a stone saint," he said with a trace of acid humor. "But that's exasperation, which is a long way from real violence. Though I acted like an idiot in Cambay, I didn't hurt you. I don't think I could, no matter what you did."

"Perhaps you couldn't. Unfortunately, I'm not at all sure that I would never hurt you, or myself. I fear that the two of us together would create a folie a deux, a mutual madness that would destroy us both, as happened to my parents." Her voice broke. "I can't allow that. I
can't
."

He rubbed his temple, his face gray. "Never having seen my father's brains sprayed across the wall, I'm not in a position to refute that. Very well, so be it. At least now I understand your reasons."

"I'm sorry, Ian," she said wretchedly. "You don't deserve to suffer because of my weaknesses."

"We are what we are, Laura. Don't apologize. I was the one who changed the rules of our marriage by recovering." He smiled humorlessly. "It's ironic. I was overjoyed when I realized I wasn't permanently incapacitated. I thought that any other differences could be solved and that very soon we would have a real marriage. But obviously I was wrong. It would have been far better if I had remained as I was. As for whether or not I deserve to suffer…" His expression closed. "If my stern Calvinist ancestors are right, this is a just punishment for my sins. To have remained a eunuch would have been too easy."

Laura bit her lip. "Perhaps, when I have had time to become more accustomed to the idea, I will be able to accept your having a mistress." The mere thought caused stabs of pain and fury, but she continued doggedly, "Other women learn to live with such arrangements, so I should be able to also. Particularly if I don't know the details."

"Somehow I don't see adultery as the answer. There are worse things than celibacy, Larishka. Falkirk is a spacious place and we should be able to rub along tolerably well. But you'll have to do your part. I can, barely, manage to control my own appetites, but it's too damned much to expect me to control yours as well. While I acquit you of deliberate teasing, your vacillation is making it very difficult for me."
His face became harsh. "Not difficult—impossible."

"I think that part of me did want to be overpowered so that I wouldn't be responsible for what happened. Now that I've faced that, I'll do better in the future." She hesitated, then said painfully, "I love you, Ian. That makes it hard to be moderate."

She hoped that he would be gratified by her declaration, perhaps even say that he loved her. Instead his face became even more remote. "If you love me, you will
learn to control yourself. Otherwise we will be unable to live together." He pushed himself away from the wall. "Rajiv Singh has asked me to go with him tomorrow on a tour of his defenses.By the time I return, we should both have cooled to a manageable level."

As Laura studied her husband, she saw that there was a new kind of blackness in him—not the hopelessness that she had felt when they first met, but a grim determination that separated them as effectively as a granite wall. If this was what was necessary for them to survive together, the solution might be as painful as the problem. She drew a shaky breath; she could only hope that in time they would recapture the relaxed friendship that had grown between them. "I'll work on my discipline while you're gone."

"Excellent idea." He turned to go into his own bedroom, then paused on the threshold of the connecting door. "I know the possibility is remote, but is there any chance that you might have conceived that night at Habibur's?"

With all her heart, she wished she could say yes, but she couldn't. "No," she said sadly. "I didn't."

"A pity. A child would have… made up for a great deal. Good night." He stepped into his own room and the curtain fell in place behind him.

Shaking with tension, Laura dowsed the lamp and crawled under her blankets. She knew that it was good that the situation between them had been clarified. But she felt empty and miserable, and her body pulsed an angry beat of frustration from their uncompleted lovemaking.

She must learn to live with that, for Ian was right; they couldn't survive unless the lines of separation were clearly drawn. She must learn to control desire for her husband.

Impossible, yet she must do it. Either that, or she must accomplish the even more impossible task of freeing herself from the prison of her fears.

Laura entered the maharani's private reception room and curtsied. "Good day, Kamala," she said as she rose. "Your message said you have a surprise for me?"

The maharani smiled mischievously. "Indeed I do, Laura. The priest has completed the horoscopes for you and your husband." She gestured to a small, wizened Brahmin, who wore plain white robes and a face of imperturbable calm. As he bowed, she added, "Now Srinivasa will interpret them for you."

Laura had almost forgotten that she had given Kamala the birth data needed for the horoscopes, but she felt a spark of interest at the prospect. Heaven knew that she needed guidance.

After performing the introductions, Kamala said, "Would you prefer for me to withdraw so you can hear Srinivasa in private?"

"Please stay," Laura said as she sat on a cushion on the opposite side of a low ebony table from the Brahmin. "I don't even know the right questions to ask."

He indicated two sheets of paper in front of him, each showing a square diagram marked with unintelligible symbols. "A horoscope is a map of the sky at the time and place you were born, Lady Falkirk," he explained. "Each moment in time is unique. A person born in it is imprinted by the special quality of that moment, at least for the length of the current life."

Laura was a little bemused by such matter-of-factness about reincarnation, but nodded obediently. "You can really tell about a person's life from reading that chart?"

"Oh, yes, and not merely about the life." He looked up at her, his dark eyes mildly inquiring. "Shall I tell you the day and hour of your death?"

She thought the Brahmin must be joking. When she realized that he was serious, she exclaimed, "Good heavens, no! I wouldn't want to know." She thought of her stepfather, who had been told of his own impending death. If he had not believed in it, might he have fought harder against the disease that killed him? She repressed a shudder, these were matters too deep to contemplate now, or perhaps ever. "For a European, such knowledge would be unbearable."

He nodded understanding. "It must be difficult to believe that one has only a single chance to learn all the lessons of existence. Still, while Christians do not believe in reincarnation, all men are subject to the same universal laws."

"Srinivasa," Kamala said warningly from the nearby sofa where she reclined.

The Brahmin inclined his head. "My apologies, Lady Falkirk. The maharani said I must not speak of spiritual beliefs, but I forgot. For me, mind, body, and spirit are so intertwined that it is difficult to think of them separately." He flicked a finger toward one of the charts. "I assume that you will not be sorry to know that you will have many happy, prosperous years before you leave this body behind."

"That's good to hear," Laura agreed, "but what do the horoscopes say about my marriage?"

"The aspects between you and your husband are very powerful," he replied. "You were born to be together, memsahib."

She thought back to the circumstances of her first meeting with Ian. "I have trouble believing that. It was the merest accident that our paths crossed."

"There are no accidents," the priest said firmly. "From the moment of your births, you were both caught in a river of events that would bring your paths together, even though you were born in different lands." He looked back at the chart. "The most important link was an older man whose death drew you together—a man whom you both loved. You met your husband soon after you experienced a great loss."

Laura's eyes widened. "You can tell that from a horoscope?"

"That and much more," he replied. "This is not the first lifetime you have shared with your husband, nor will it be the last. Though the rewards will be great, there is much difficult karma that must first be overcome. You are each other's debtors from the past, and you each have power to hurt or heal the other. It will not be easy to separate those two things."