Venus Envy (43 page)

‘Why not?’ I asked. My voice came out a hoarse whisper.

Whatever he said, I told myself, I had to cope with it. Whoevoer else he’d met, whatever little popsy he was seeing now, doubtless a good, home-loving kind of girl with a polo-playing daddy and a job making lunches for City businessmen at Sloane Rangers catering - the kind of girl who would serve him home-made bread sauce this Christmas - it had to be better than to see him with my own sister.

Of course I was still a total bitch. Look at how relieved I was - poor Gail, only I wasn’t really feeling

poor Gail, I was really exploding with relief. ‘Because I’ve met someone else,’ he said.

‘Who?’ I asked bravely. I caught sight of my face in the mirror over the fireplace. Everything was so red I looked like an extra from Attack of. the Killer Tomatoes.

‘Can’t you guess?’ Tom asked, looking at me weirdly.

‘Oh my Godt You’re not seeing Snowy, are you?’ ‘Of course I’m not seeing Snowy, you total goose;’ Tom said softly, Tm seeing you, Alex, or I am if you’ll let me.’

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And with that, rather hurriedly, like he was afraid

I’d refuse, he pulled me towards him and kissed me,

red nose and all.

I want to say it wasn’t that good. That we fumbled,

or something. That it was a bit awkward. Things are normally, aren’t they, the first time at least. You suddenly wonder if your mouthwash was strong enough, or if he’ll think you’re a tart if you French kiss him back, or if you’ll bite him a bit harder than you meant to. Because what actually happened sounds too soppy for words.

He kissed me, and I melted. I forgot all about the

state of my nose and my foundation. I couldn’t have cared less about mouthwash or the size of my butt or

‘whether he would be shocked at the grey M&S bra strap visible under the neck of my shirt. All I could think about was Tom, that handsome, slightly callous mouth bearing down on mine, the way he was kissing me with such passion and insistence, the way he was making me feel so beautiful and desirable. My nipples floded with blood. They got so stiff and tender they started to chafe against the cotton. My groin, too, washed with desire, a burst of lust spreading under my skin like a ripple from a pebble thrown into a glassy pond. I kissed nervously, he kissed hard, then harder, then when he took his mouth away from me I didn’t even care, because he put it on my face, kissing me over and over, kissing my eyes.shut-and the tip of my nose and kissing my neck, the side of it, and my chin, and kissing my earlobes, just drowning me in these light, butterfly kisses, until I was dizzy with pleasure and wanting.

‘Sorry, Alex,’ Tom said, gasping and pulling back

from me. ‘Sorry. I couldn’t help it.’

‘I didn’t want you to,’ I said.

He looked amazed. A soft expression of delight and

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disbelief was spreading across his face. ‘I thought you hated me,’ he said.

I couldn’t speak so I just shook my head.

‘Alex! I was such a jerk, I behaved so badly at the wedding, I just thought of you with that Seamus bloke and it made me want to throw up. I know he was coming on to you - pushing you - but I was so hurt, I just lashed out. I couldn’t stop myself, I just wanted to hurt you, to get back at you for how you were making me feel.’

‘Oh Tom, I’m so sorry, I pushed Snowy into it—’ ‘Hell, of course you didn’t, Alex, you were too innocent to see her for what she was. It was all my fault. I’d worked it out long before and - I suppose I thought as a gentleman I shouldn’t say anything, I should let her try to rebuild her life, if it was a secret. I didn’t act, and I could have stopped it. I pussyfooted around and then I tried to blame you, and I was so miserable about what I’d done to you I didn’t know what to do with myself.’

He took a deep gulp of air. ‘I’ve been a total bastard.’

‘How? You have not!’ I said defensively.

‘Yes, I’m afraid I have,’ Tom said. He looked utterly shamefaced. ‘I - I used your sister. Oh, it wasn’t as blatant as that, I mean, I told myself she was attractive and beautiful - which she is -‘ he said hastily, but in the manner of one who thinks she’s not, not really ‘and I said since there was no chance of you ever dating me, the way should be clear for me to go out with Gail.’

He ran a large paw rather distractedly through his hair. ‘It was obvious more or less from the word go that it wasn’t going to work out. We were so different. Our tastes were different. We didn’t find the same things funny, and there just wasn’t a spark. I tried to cover up my feelings by buying her more and more

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xpensive presents, but the truth was - I tried not to admit it to myself - that I dated her in the hope I could see you. I came to your flat whenever I could. I was devastated when you had that row and she moved out, and I knew I was going to have to end it, but by that time I thought maybe you would agree to see me as a friend.

‘It was that evening at the gallery that nailed it down for me. You were so stressed and so funny, and you

looked so lovely, and when you were naked—’ ‘Soaked,’ I corrected him.

‘Right, soaked - you just had the most beautiful body I’ve ever seen.’

‘But what about Gail?’

‘ ‘Gail?’ he snorted. “Well, Alex, I never saw her naked but I’m sorry, your sister’s positively scrawny. No offence.’

Oh, none taken, I promise.

‘Anyway, that night we split up and she took it rather hard. I was afraid you’d hold it against me. As yoh had every right to do.’

‘And that’s what you wanted to tell me?’

‘Yes.’ He shrugged. ‘You wouldn’t hear me out, so I assumed somebody had already told you, and you were so incensed at me that you’d run off.’

I just grinned. I wanted to give him a soft, romantic smile, but I couldn’t stop this huge, shit-eating grin spreading all over my face. I was so happy. The kind of happiness Fve only ever had once before, as a child, waiting for Christmas morning, eight years old and too excited to sleep.

‘I ran off because I couldn’t face you being with Gail. And because of the embarrassment, too.’

‘Nothing to be embarrassed about,’ Tom said thickly. He was hard and I could see it. He was one enormous guy.

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e

Suddenly the wet explosion of desire burst right through me again.

‘Alex, I love you,’ he said, ‘I love you so much, I want to be with you, do you think we could, go to bed?’.

‘Oh yes,’ I said, lifting my arms to him, ‘yes please.’

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expensive presents, but the truth was - I tried not to admit it to myself - that I dated her in the hope I could see you. I came to your flat whenever I could. I was devastated when you had that row and she moved out, and I knew I was going to have to end it, but by that time I thought maybe you would agree to see me as a friend.

‘It was that evening at the gallery that nailed it down

for me. You were so stressed and so funny, and you

looked so lovely, and when you were naked—’

‘Soaked,’ I corrected him.

‘Right, soaked - you just had the most beautiful body I’ve ever seen.’

‘But what about Gail?’

‘ ‘Gail?’ he snorted. ‘Well, Alex, I never saw her naked but I’m sorry, your sister’s positively scrawny. No offence.’

Oh, none taken, I promise.

‘Anyway, that night we split up and she took it rather hard. I was afraid you’d hold it against me. As you had every right to do.’

‘And that’s what you wanted to tell me?’

‘Yes.’ He shrugged. ‘You wouldn’t hear me out, so I assumed somebody had already told you, and you were so incensed at me that you’d run off.’

I just grinned. I wanted to give him a soft, romantic smile, but I couldn’t stop this huge, shit-eating grin spreading all over my face. I was so happy. The kind of happiness live only ever had once before, as a child, waiting for Christmas morning, eight years old and too excited to sleep.

‘I ran off because I couldn’t face you being with Gail. And because of the embarrassment too.’

‘Nothing to be embarrassed about,’ Tom said thickly. He was hard and I could see it. He was one enormous guy.

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eyes glinting with lust. Total desire and intent. I knew he loved me, but now, he was going to have me.

He undid the buttons of my shirt. The greyness of my bra was a matter of total indifference to him. I could hear his excitement, his breath shortening as he peeled it off my breasts.

‘You are so beautiful,’ he said with complete seriousness, so he made me believe it, and then he bent and kissed my nipples and sucked them, very lightly at first, then harder, tugging them erect until I almost wanted to cry from pleasure.

When that finished, Tom’s hands were under the small of my back, lifting me up like a doll, so he could undo my skirt and then pull down my panties, forcing himself to do it slowly, and when a soft gasp escaped him at the sight of me I couldn’t help myself, I started moaning ˘ith the urgency of my need.

‘Slowly, sweetheart, take it slowly,’ Tom said gently, but I could feel his hardness straining against me, and I found myself jerking under his hands like they were hot metal. I pulled off his jacket, I would have ripped open his shirt but my hands were shaking so much I couldn’t do it, and he had to help me, kicking off his shoes and tearing off his clothes.

Then he was naked, and I found I could look at him without chronic embarrassment, shyness or disgust. I didn’t want to turn the |ight off. I could stare at him and think him beautiful, want him inside me.

Tom reached forward and brushed his hands over my shoulders. It sent a fresh spasm of desire crunching through me. His knee pressed down between my legs, roughly shoving my thighs apart. His large hands crept up my inner thighs, trailing fire, and then he was touching me, palming me, feeling my slickness against his fingers, his eyes hot with wanting, telling me he could feel everything, he knew how ready I was for this …

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And then he bent that great dark head to kiss me, and he was inside me, pushing in the first time with perfect accuracy, kissing me and fucking me, and the pleasure at being filled swallowed me like a soft cloud of brown velvet, as though I had been empty and now he was making me whole.

‘You’re so good,’ he gasped, ‘Alex, you’re so sexy.’ ‘You’re incredible,’ I said, and we both meant it, but

we were both a little disbelieving, because maybe with other people we weren’t demon lovers, we missed and fumbled and touched wrong and moved badly.

And then I discovered the secret of sex. In that moment, with Tom moving on top of me, thrusting

harder and deeper every time, and me bucking up and

, rising to meet him, until everything fell away but the movement of his hips and hands and the explosions setting off inside me, like a match had been dropped into a box of fireworks.

The secret of sex is love. I loved him. I trusted him. He drove me nuts. I had thought about this so long before it happened, I was primed for him. The love in my head spread through my heart right to my groin.

It was OK that I wanted this animal fucking. It was OK that I couldn’t control my response. I was not a bad girl, a slut. I was just in love and it was OK, and

everything was always going to be OK from now on. ‘Turn over,’ Tom said.

‘What?’ I gasped, shuddered, riding the wave. ‘Turn over,’ Tom said, ‘we should try this, I want to take you as deep as I can,’ and without a pause he just lifted me up, strong hands round my waist, and flipped me over, yanking me up like a bitch on heat on my hands and knees, which is exactly what I was, on heat for him, lost in it, and then he was running his hands over my butt, stroking and squeezing and suddenly his fingers were there, checking for me.

‘Oh,’ he said. ‘You like this.’

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I flushed, nodded. ‘Yes.’

‘Say it. I want to hear you tell me.’

‘I like this,’ I gasped, ‘I want it - Tom, please…’ He shoved himself inside me, his cock slamming deep down in me, his hands pulling my thighs closer to him, and the pleasure just intensified and deepened and spread like a thick wall of pressure across my body, and I could hear his breath getting more and more ragged, and then suddenly it just happened and I came - thinking about who was in me, what he was doing I exploded in shattering crunching spasms, a sort of white-hot, brown-tinged bliss that made me dizzy, I didn’t know where I was or who I was, I couldn’t see, and then it faded away and somewhere I heard him groan, and come for me, and we collapsed on to the bed in perfect silence, and he reached for me and kissed me, and I started crying all over again.

When I woke up he was beside me, and all I wanted to do was lie there and breathe in his scent. Tom sleeping next to me, and I could stare as long as I liked at his dark lashes, his set mouth. I felt tenderness like I sometimes flash on when I see a newborn baby in a pram.

But there are no happy endings, are there? Everything last night had swept away was coming back to me now. Gall. He told me he’d left Gail, and how could I do this to my own sister? However annoying she was, Gail was still my kid sister, how could I?

Tom opened his eyes and looked up at me. ‘Best

dream I ever had,’ he said. ‘Or are you real?’

.I steeled myself. ‘Tom, we have to talk.’

He sat up and sighed. ‘Damn. The most scary phrase in the universe, after “Look behind you”.’

I grinned. ‘Or “It’s your mother on the phone”.’ ‘Can I at least get some breakfast?’ Tom demanded.

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‘A condemned man is entitled to a hearty one, you know.’

I nodded and went off to shower. I was determined

not to start bloody well crying again. I don’t know what was wrong with me, it’s like someone had turned my emotion amps all the way up to eleven. Which they had, but that was still no excuse. This was England, not Ricki Lake. Besides, when I cry my nose goes as red as Rudolf, Boy Scouts could use it on Dartmoor for a guidance beacon.