Vicious Circles (21 page)

Chapter 19

March 2010

I stood in the mirror, void of all clothing and admired the mess that was before me. There was an odd shaped bruise on my left hip and I had no idea where it came from. My ribs were showing, but I was already too thin before I noticed that particular detail. It had been almost a month since I’d seen Mason last. He felt a million miles away and no amount of webcam dates or phone calls could make me see it any differently.
 

We’d had an amazing few days together, locked away in our bubble like it was in the beginning, but as soon as I got on the plane and headed back to LA the doubt set in again. Perhaps he had been too tired to notice the change in me. Maybe he’d noticed and didn’t want to risk our time together to confront me on it. I didn’t know.
 

Lynn on the other hand was constantly calling and visiting but I did my very best to keep her at arm’s length. She was a smart girl; she knew something was up.
 

“What the fuck are you doing in there?” Jill pounded on my bathroom door.
 

I growled softly and pulled on my clothes as fast as I could. I had a full schedule of shoots among other things for at least another month. I wanted to be numb for one day and not think about anything else until I absolutely had to.
 

“Took you long enough.”
She moved out of my way as I opened the door.
 

I ignored Jill because I still didn’t like her very much. She was good for whatever amount of drugs I needed. She’s started bringing Percocet to me, which meant I didn’t have to see Tony anymore. My biggest fear was losing Mason but I would not give up my vices for him. The less Tony knew, the less chance there was of Mason finding out.
 

“I’ve got the worst headache,” I complained as I followed Jill into the living room.
 

She kneeled in front of the coffee table and opened her small bag. “What do you want? I’ve got some new shit.”
 

I admired her collection of illegal drugs. “I don’t want anything different. I want what I usually have.”
 The thought of trying other things terrified me.
 

“How’s Mason?” Jill dumped a vial of cocaine on the table and began to cut it.
 

“I don’t want to talk about Mason right now.”
 

“Trouble in paradise?”
She chuckled, amused.
 

If I hadn’t been so relaxed I would have choked her. Percocet had probably saved her life. “It’s none of your fucking business.”
 

“Fine, how’s work?”
 

“I don’t want to make small talk with you, Jill. I mean really? You come over, we get high and you leave. You know the fucking drill.” I was screaming at her.
 

She stood, leaving my stuff laid out on the table. “You are out of control.
Totally out of your mind.”
 

I ignored her. When the front door slammed, I inhaled my lines without blinking. My nose burned but I loved it. I felt like I could do anything, but in all honestly I wasn’t really feeling anything. My body went numb and my mind shut down. My brain was a black hole as my eyes began to roll back into my head. That was what I hoped for each time. I wanted emptiness, pitch black emptiness and I hoped that at the end of that dark tunnel I would wake up happy and normal. It never seemed to turn out that way though.
 

Lynn called me twenty minutes later. I thought about letting the call go to voicemail but she would have come over to my apartment. She knew I had the day off. I vaguely remember telling her that we could get some lunch.
 

“Hey.” I tried to answer as normal as possible.
 

“Hey, Fallyn.
How are you?”
 

“I’m great. What’s going on?”
 

Lynn sighed. “I thought we were going out to lunch today? You were supposed to call me an hour ago.”
 

“Shit, I’m sorry Lynn. Yeah, yeah we’re going out. I’m dressed.”
 

“You sound tired. Are you okay? We can reschedule…”
 

“No I’m fine.” I knew if I didn’t have lunch with her she would be on the phone to Mason in a minute. “I’ll meet you in Santa Monica.”
 

When I got into my car my palms were sweating. I hadn’t considered the amount of traffic that would be on PCH that time of day and I had no business driving. If I were to be stopped by a cop…well my career would be over. My relationship would be over.
 

I’d never gone to see Lynn while still so high. She was probably going to notice but there was nothing I could do about that. Thankfully I reached our favorite place on the beach without doing harm to myself or someone else. The host led me to the table where Lynn was waiting with a
huge smile on her face. The closer I got, the smaller her broad grin got.
 

“Fallyn, are you sick?” She was genuinely concerned.
 

I waved her off as I fell to the plastic chair and signaled the server. I ordered a beer and an appetizer for good measure. “It’s been awhile since we did this.”
 

Lynn nodded and unfolded her napkin into her lap. “Are you sure you’re doing OK, Fallyn? I mean, you look sick.”
 

I pressed my lips into a thin, straight line. “I said I was fine. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
 

She agreed with a silent nod and I felt horrible for being so short with her, but she was digging for information I wasn’t ready to release. If anyone found out that I’d taken after my worthless family I would be alone all over again.
 

“Did you and Mason have a good time together?” She took a small bite of her salad that had shown up at the table without me realizing.
 

“It was amazing. I was so happy to see him again.” I swirled the straw around in my iced water. My hand shook slightly.
 

Lynn looked out toward the ocean and then back at me. “I like your hair; it looks nice.”
 

She was pushing for conversation. We had always had plenty to talk about before, but those days were gone. I felt closed off to the world and the only person I would even consider letting in was miles away on his first real tour.
 

“I found a house in Malibu that I really love.” I looked at her briefly before returning my eyes to my trembling hands. The roar of the ocean was getting louder and louder. I was having trouble tuning things out lately.
 

There was a small, uncomfortable silence. Lynn cleared her throat and threw her napkin on the table. “Why on earth would you buy a house in Malibu, Fallyn? That’s just plain crazy.”
 

My jaw dropped because I really thought I was right in the decision. “No,” I shook my head. “You know what’s crazy? You telling me what to do
is crazy. You calling Mason at every twist and turn is fucking crazy, Lynn, and I really don’t think any of it is your business anymore.”
 

She was in shock simply because I had never lost my temper with her that way and I probably looked like a fucking maniac. My pupils were large and my skin was pale and covered in
a sheen of sweat that glittered in the afternoon sun. I pushed at the stray hair on my face, pissed at anything and everything.  Lynn went to stand and I held my hand up to stop her. I stomped off, leaving my best friend in the wake of my emotional breakdown.
 

I cried the entire drive home. My stomach was in knots because I hadn’t eaten anything in who knows how long. I was physically sick although there was nothing to heave besides the acid from my stomach. I slumped against my bathroom wall and tried to calm my frantic heart. It was beating out of control and I didn’t know if I was having a heart attack or an anxiety attack.
 

Somehow I fell asleep on the floor in the same position I had landed in. When I woke the apartment was totally dark and I was disoriented. My head throbbed and I was dying to take something, anything, but I had to work and I needed the money that working would bring me. So, I crawled into bed and that was where I stayed until the alarm went off.
 

When I woke up the next morning there was a ridiculous amount of missed calls on my phone. All of them were from Lynn. I stumbled into the bathroom, using the wall as a brace. I had dark black streaks along each cheek from my tears. I gathered enough strength to take and shower and make myself some coffee.
 

In nothing but a towel I dug through my bag and pulled out my Percocet. My hands shook violently as I dumped an unknown amount into my left hand and swallowed them as fast as I could. I had to work and I couldn’t work without the drugs.

***

“Fuck!” I threw my phone down on the passenger seat of my car. Mason hadn’t answered my phone calls in two days. Dave claimed he’d broken his cell but I couldn’t believe him.
 

I had disgusting images of him screwing other girls in the back of my mind and they wouldn’t go away. I didn’t like not knowing. I needed to feel connected to him at all times and that was slipping away. Of course, he was my last tie to the life I was leading and without him I just didn’t care so much anymore.
 

I unlocked my doors when Jill returned. We’d made an appointment to look at the house in Malibu despite the warnings from Lynn. We hadn’t truly talked since the episode in the restaurant, but I didn’t want to hear anything she had to say. I had learned an amazing lesson since my bank account grew considerably. People would do anything for money. People would
ignore
anything for money.
 

Jill and I drove with the windows down and the music loud all the way to Malibu. The house was entirely too much house for me but I wanted it. I wanted status and a nice house was the best way to achieve that. I was sick of going to set each day knowing I lived in a tiny apartment with my musician boyfriend.
 

“Holy shit, is that it?” Jill leaned out of the window.
 

Towering before me was a two story monster with an equally monster price tag. The property was gated and there was a pool in the small backyard. We ran through the house squealing and giggling like little girls. The realtor pretended as if people acted that way all the time. She stood
silent and patient as I ran through each room.
 

“It’s fucking furnished!” Jill came around the corner and almost ran into me.
 

“I have to have this house.” I turned to the realtor. “I
have
to have this place. How quickly can you get the paperwork together?”
 

“I can be back in two hours with something for you to sign.” She smiled but it was because she had just made a big fucking commission with no energy at all.
 

“We’ll be here,” I said before walking off into the kitchen.
 

Jill hopped up on the marble counter top. “This calls for a celebration.” She pulled a vial from her jeans pocket.
 

I pried the little bottle from her fingers and dumped it out on my new counter. I’d become what I considered an expert in cocaine. I cut it quickly and took my part. The room spun slightly as I threw my head back with my fingertips pressed to the right side of my nose. It burned slightly but I’d grown accustomed to it. I spun around with my arms thrown out and sighed.
 

“I’ll never sleep on the streets again, Jill.”
 

She eyed me wearily. “You just bought a house worth millions.”
 

“So? I have the money and you know I do. This house is amazing and I’m going to have amazing parties here.”
 

Jill hopped down from the counter. “You don’t like parties.”
 

I was confused. One minute Jill was urging me on and the next she was treating me like I was slow.
 

“What do you think Mason will say about this place?”
 

My heart clenched at the mention of his name. “He hasn’t answered my calls in two days. I don’t care what he thinks.”
 

“Oh, that is a lie of epic proportions and you know it.” She laughed and walked toward the front door. “I’m out. I’ve got shit to do. Good luck with the new crib.”
 

By the time the sun went down that same night I was the proud owner of my very first house. I drove home feeling unsure about the whole thing. There was a sense of dread about what I’d done but there was no turning back. I knew things were going to change and that started with Lynn. She was sitting in her car waiting for me when I pulled up to my apartment complex. I tried to act nonchalant as I exited my car and walked toward the stairs.