Victoria (13 page)

10 October

Ramsgate has faded into a dream. It is plain old Kensington again, and kidney pie and sago pudding and watery vegetable marrows and apple tarts without enough cinnamon. I will be v glad when Cook's daughter-in-law has her baby and gets done with her lying-in and Cook can come back here where she is wanted quite as much, I am sure.

17 October

Lehzen and Lady Catherine and I dressed dolls together today. We did Shakespeare –
Twelfth Night
, though it's not Christmas. Lehzen did Countess Olivia, and Lady Catherine did Orsino, Duke of Illyria, and I did Viola.

Lady Catherine is v musical. She is a delight. She plays the piano, and Mamma and I sing duets. It is the best way to spend time with Mamma, for she does not use so much time telling us what Captain Conroy advises-us-in-the-strongest-possible-terms – which is to say, the only way he ever advises us.

V important confidential conversation with Uncle Leopold at Ramsgate concerning a Certain Matter. He says he can do nothing if Mamma will not preserve herself. He says I should never put myself at risk, but must get the nearest adult. No matter what happened to de Spaeth, no matter that Mamma tells me it is none of my affair.

Uncle says of course it is. Conroy is a devil, and she is my Mamma, and I dare not pretend all is as it should be, no matter how they press me to give him more power over me, over us all, and to hold my tongue. I must find the courage to hold out against his browbeating.

20 October

Dashy is learning to bring things to me. Lady Catherine gives him my bedroom slipper and says to him, “Dispatches, Dash!” He then takes the proferred article v delicately in his teeth, and trots to me directly. Usually, he lets me take it from him.

Since he is such an excellent messenger, I have made him a page's livery, a red-and-blue jacket and trousers. Everyone teases me about playing seamstress to my dog, and, I must confess, Dashy's not keen on his uniform. But it is v becoming. If v fashionable young men are called “puppies”, I think it is only right to allow Dash to dress
au courant
, in the latest style. He is v amusing.

Fanny just gazes at him from her cushion near the hearth. She is a doting auntie, but has grown rather stout of late. I think she finishes Dash's portion, and he lets her.

20 November

Everyone is annoyed with Uncle Billy. There has not been sufficient Reform. Not enough Englishmen can vote. Or there has been an irresponsible amount of Reform. People are voting who have no business doing so. Uncle Sussex says that when Uncle King George was ill, he did nothing for weeks, and Uncle Billy has had 48,000 documents to sign since he became King. Aunt Adelaide sits by him and bathes his cramped hand in warm water.

I do not wonder he has not written to me lately.

1 December

When I think how I used to be able to write so often, I am quite amazed. It is not only that Lady Catherine, and my new, English governess, Lady Northumberland (who is tutoring me in Court etiquette), are about me so much of the time. It is also because my lessons take so much longer these days. If I am imperfect in my recitation, I know they all think sooner or later I shall be responsible for toppling the Throne. Yet I do not think learning Cicero has much to do with provisioning the Navy or keeping track of the East India Company.

Lord Lyndhurst, the Chancellor, stood up in the House of Lords, and called me my Mamma's “illustrious offspring”. He said Mamma has done her duty by my education, and it gives everyone the best grounds to hope most favourably of my future conduct.

Anyway, Feo, you and Charles are every bit as illustrious.

The House of Lords voted to name Mamma my Regent. I would be happier at this outcome if O'Hum had not immediately sat down to make a list of things the King can and cannot tell me to do. I should like to make a list of things Captain Conroy may not tell me to do. Or, that he cannot tell Mamma to tell me to do.

2 December

Oh, Feo. I have been so blind – blinder than Lord Nelson or Uncle Cumberland, for they each lost only a single eye. But I have been
totally
unseeing!

Of course, Uncle Leopold will go away. He has received another invitation to be a King in another land. This time it is Belgium. I can tell that this time he will go. I see that he must. He must get over Aunt Princess Lottie's death, and accomplish more in his career. He is a v useful statesman, and he should have the running of things. (Stocky and Lehzen both assure me this is so.)

When I think of it, it is very strange that Royal persons are the ones who must switch their loyalties and their patriotism from one country to another. In the end, it is almost as if one's family is all one has, for certain. I should not like to learn I was to be married to someone in Russia or Portugal or Denmark, and then have to turn myself into a Russian or a Portuguese or a Dane.

I am utterly miserable. The older I grow, the more I learn, the more there is that is intolerable, but that I must nonetheless bear.

Mamma and the Captain expect to receive news that the government will raise our income. They are quite jubilant these days. I fear my own Christmas will be more grievous than merry.

27 December

Oh, fie on all these grown-up children! My Christmas season is being mashed into a great mess! Uncle Billy has played a great trick on Mamma, I suppose he feels. He has told her I must change my NAME, to something ENGLISH!

Well, my name is like my Mamma's. He is still in an ill temper over Mamma objecting to his introducing my cousin FitzClarence by name, so he's giving her a taste of the same treatment… But it is MY name they are juggling! And I don't believe he means simply that I should have an English girl's name. I see what he is up to, even if no one else does. If my
own
name were translated from Latin into English, it would be
Victory
! He could pretend I am named for his friend, Lord Nelson's, ship!

Uncle Billy told Mamma if I change my name to an English one, he will raise her income now, as well as going all the way back to when my Papa died! What a great lot of money that must be! I am ashamed to say, Mamma seems to think it would be worthwhile to give in. We will have no more debts.

Captain Conroy will have no more reason to become angry.

3 January 1831

Mamma does not understand the point of Uncle Billy's gambit. She has agreed to change my name by dropping Alexandrina and adding Charlotte, because that would be more English. I do not like to think she is doing it for the money. But Certain Persons do rate such arrangements v highly.

5 January

The newspapers have reported this matter, and it is by no means true that everyone wishes me to change my name. Some say it is impossible, for I was Christened, and that is a Sacrament and can't be changed. Others say “Charlotte” may not be fortunate, and I should be another “Elizabeth”.

I am sure it would pain Uncle Leopold for me to turn into a Charlotte. I am sure it would hurt Aunt Adelaide to call me Elizabeth, for that was her baby's name who died. I might ask to be Katherine. Or Joan, like Fair Joan of Kent.

6 January

It vexes me. I am Victoria. I can see that I must be brave and give up a good deal that I love because the fate of nations requires me not to be selfish. But an Heiress Presumptive should be able to cling to her own name, at least. It is a small vessel in a great sea. But it is who I am.

I must persuade Uncle Billy to give up the joke. Mamma and the Captain simply go over the list to think of things they can arrange to do that His Majesty's objections cannot prevent. Or so it seems.

26 January

I never recorded my lovely Christmas presents. Now it strikes me as tiresome. What is the point of writing, writing, writing? I am the only one who reads these pages. If only I could see by reading them that I have gained some small increase of wisdom through all these months of misery! I
do
wish something pleasant would happen!

13 February

Finally, something quite lovely to look forward to. An invitation has arrived – we are to attend a drawing room at St James, for Aunt Adelaide's birthday. Compton is making me a new frock, of satin (white – no surprise) and blond lace.

It will be a change from sitting about
this
dull palace, playing hunt the thimble with Lehzen while Mamma and O'Hum drink tea with Lord Durham and Lord Dover and exchange slighting remarks about our gracious Sovereign.

Uncle Billy is so busy, I still have had no occasion to speak to him about changing my name. This Must Stop!

26 February

I can't get it out of my head, Georgie Cumberland saying, “Things always seem to go from Baden to Worcester.” But it is not humorous.

My dress was not right. It made me look like a big dollop of mashed potatoes. I wore my pearl necklace, but no one remarked on it.

Uncle Billy appears to be v fatigued. He gave me a great, hearty hug, as if I were a tiny child, and it made me v happy for a bit, and I wanted to forget my trouble. Later, though, he said to me, “Shall we get you another of these pink things, Little Vic?” (He meant an iced biscuit.) No one was in a position to overhear us just then, so I saw my chance.

“As you are so fond of me, Your Majesty, why would you have me translate my name to English?”

He said, “By God, not you, too!” and
laughed
at me! I was v put out. I know I should have been more respectful, but my pride was hurt.

“I
know
you think it better to be named for a
parent
than for a
boat
,” I said, then went on. “I quite
liked
my cousin Adolphus, Uncle,” I said v firmly. “But I notice you did not name him for
your
ship, the
Pegasus
.”

Uncle Billy looked v startled, and also rather embarrassed. I was shocked at myself for speaking to him so, but I could not take it back.

Aunt Soap happened to come up to us then, to remind me to give Aunt Adelaide the present I had brought. It was a quilted silk jewellery pouch I made for her, and embroidered with my drizzled silver thread. (I expect she has more jewels to take care of, now that she is Queen.) She was v charmed with my handiwork, and thanked me three times.

Uncle never answered my rude remark, though he gave me quite a big embrace when we left. I did not enjoy it as much, though, for another Scene had just occurred. Lord Durham had caused some ado by insulting the Countess of Jersey, and Mamma was heard to take his part. It is too bad. The Countess's son was quite pleasant at the ball. (How long ago that seems now!)

It does not seem well-bred to discuss whether others behave in a well-bred manner. Lehzen agrees with me on this point. Feo, what would you tell me, were you here by your poor little sister's side?

9 April

There. I have torn out all the pages I wrote that were sad and angry. It is better to work at being good myself, than to complain of how I feel injustice and unkindness all around me. I will try to be happier than I have been. When I am not happy, I will try at least to be faithful and patient.

10 April

Ah, how I love the theatre! The delight of the costumes, the brilliant lights, the very, VERY FUNNY performances! How I wish Covent Garden could be part of every week! We saw
The Sleeping Beauty
. It was quite astonishing to see the thicket of briar roses grow right up out of the stage to surround poor Beauty until her Prince Charming can come to claim her. The stage set reminded me of Eastnor, that artistic little castle we visited last year near Malvern.

Later

Toire coaxed me to paint her as Beauty. She likes to array herself on the fainting couch in an attitude of “hopeful repose”. She did not like my picture, though, for my brush was rather too liberal when I did the wound on her finger, and it looks as though she is holding an apple. Lady Catherine suggested we call it “Snow White”, instead. I thought perhaps I could dress Dash up to be a dwarf. But Toire took offense. However, she took it for granted she could keep the painting.

16 April

Finally, I have heard La Malibran sing!
Brava, bravissima
!
Il Barbiere di Siviglia
,
The Barber of Seville
– we attended last week, Feo. What a stunning performance! Such a marvellous opera! I am uplifted beyond anything I could have expected.
This
is what Great Art can do for one's spirit!

I carried my fan that Uncle King George gave me, and thought fondly and sadly of him.

Uncle Billy was there, in his Lord High Admiral uniform, with its masses of undrizzled golden lace and big cock-and-pinch hat. He sat down in the box, put his feet up on a footstool provided for the purpose, set his hat over his toes, and, I believe, dozed off. He spoke to no one at any rate, and showed no interest after the overture. I think he is v tired from all the work a King must do. I am heartily sorry I was unkind to him. After all, one girl's name is nothing, compared with the rest of the world. Which, as he says, is always right off the port bow, firing warning shots.

24 April

After all the fuss – would you not know it, Feo? Mamma has decided she will not allow her name to be bought away from me. The Whig party is becoming more powerful now than the Tories, and she expects we shall be voted such an increase in our funds that she need not condescend to it.

I expect Uncle Billy is tired of this squabble. I hope so.

25 May

Early strawberries. Late tulips. Too much Latin. Not enough dancing.

11 June

No,
no
, NO! As Uncle Leopold's departure approaches, I find myself almost frantic. It is just like a nightmare here, for everyone behaves as if everything is NORMAL. What shall I do? It is the most unfortunate thing not to have a father. But I do not remember my Papa, anyway. Uncle Leopold has been to me what a father ought to be – and now I must lose
him
! Am I always to be bereft?

At least Uncle Billy has finally agreed to a Coronation Ceremony. It is to be in September. Uncle Cumberland says it matters little that the last one cost 400,000 pounds. Uncle Billy says he doesn't want the falderal, his won't cost a tenth as much, and he'll be tarred before he'll let the bishops kiss
him
.

(I heard this from Lord Paget.)