Virtue & Vanity (16 page)

“Isabelle,” he called me calmly.

“Please, stop. It hurts.” I was sobbing and trying to get away from his grip when he hit me.

Then he crushed me with his weight and I felt his erection. Every fiber of my being was nothing but panic and fear. I started moving away from him, but he held me firmly against his body.

“N-No. Not again. Don’t.” I started screaming.

“Isabelle, open your eyes.” The voice rang with worry instead of rage like I remembered.

“I won’t. I-I know who you are. I can s-smell your cologne,” I said in between my sobs.

“My cologne scares you?” he asked in a surprised voice.

“You s-scare me. I don’t want you to do this to me,” I muttered in fear.

“I won’t do anything to you. Open your eyes.” His voice was soothing.

“You’re lying. You hate me. Y-You want to hurt me.” I felt his hand on my hot forehead.

“Shh, you’re burning up. You have to open your eyes. Nothing bad will happen to you, I promise,” he whispered to reassure me, but I still felt his weight pressing onto me. “Open your eyes, Isabelle,” he continued with the encouragement.

I opened my eyes, only to feel him take my virginity again. I froze and screamed from the top of my lungs because the pain was unbearable. Then, I felt a shiver run through me like I was falling between the worlds of dreams and reality, not sure which one I ended up in. Suddenly, I was convulsing in Sebastian’s arms as he tried to soothe me. I was gulping for air and fighting his strength in the process, because he wouldn’t let go of me. The sticky sweat from my burning body dripped onto his muscled chest, but he still held me close. It was dark and strangely, I still felt the pain he had caused although I had replayed everything in my memory.

“P-Please let go of me. I’m sick and it hurts a lot,” my voice cracked.

He stilled for a moment while my body quivered from fear and fever in his arms. When he moved to turn on the lamp on the nightstand, I tried to get away from him, but he instantly stopped me. He pulled me so close that I could feel the radiating warmth of his muscles and I was scared out of my mind. I was letting out shallow breaths when his hand landed on my chest to feel my racing heart. I was aware of his every move, and I lost my breath when his hand slid towards my face, confronting me with those beautiful green eyes from my nightmares. He stared at me for a long time. My eyes were filled with unshed tears as I still observed him in trepidation. Then he did the last thing I expected. He slowly lowered his hand on my head and began caressing my face and my hair.

“No. Look at me,” he said in a soft voice when I looked away, and my eyes returned to him at once.

After a few moments of silence, he leaned his forehead on mine and I felt his breath on my skin. Even though he hadn’t done anything that should alarm me yet, I couldn’t help being afraid of him. I flinched when he moved his leg.

“Don’t.” He brushed his knuckles against my cheek. “It was just a bad dream. I know you’re sick. Nothing will happen tonight,” he whispered. “We have to take care of your fever,” he said as he pressed his palm against my brow.

All of my shame and suffering came together and my eyes closed as the tears spilled on my burning cheeks. Sebastian wiped every single one of them, causing me to gasp from the pain that was embedded deep inside. For the first time, he was being gentle with me, and as much as I tried to tell myself that he was only trying to trick me into fulfilling the terms of the agreement, I couldn’t deny that my body hungered for his kindness—even if it wasn’t real. Only when he was convinced I’d stopped crying, did he get up and disappear out of the room.

I remained on the bed, burning from the fever and frozen from the shock at the same time, while waiting for his return. If I had any common sense left, I wouldn’t have accepted his caresses. But knowing what his rage could produce, I would have chosen his fake kindness over it any day. His gentle touch was almost calming, and it shamed me to think about it, but I liked the way he touched me. There was nothing sexual or possessive about it. It felt like the only purpose of his attention was to heal my broken soul and I knew it was dangerous to believe that he truly cared, because it would feel even worse when he decided to hurt me again.

I glanced towards the door when I heard him enter the room. Again, he had a glass of water and he gave me one of those pills that would help reduce my fever. After handing me the water and the pill—the same pill I took after our wedding night—he disappeared into the bathroom. Shortly after, he came back, carrying a bowl of cold water and a towel. There was something incredible about seeing him like that, tentative and caring. I wanted to ask him about the pill. I wanted to know so badly if he had been the one who showed me that glimpse of mercy after all the hell he had put me through, but I wasn’t brave enough to ask. Talking about that night was something I couldn’t do with anyone, let alone him. He sat next to me and put the cold, wet towel on my forehead. I stared at him in disbelief and I obviously wasn’t at all discreet about it, because he looked confused.

“Is something wrong?”

“No, nothing,” I answered in haste. “It’s just that... I never thought you would take care of me when I would be sick.” I stupidly spilled the beans.

And there it was, that infamous cold mask of his that crept right back on his face and gave me the chills. His lips settled into a brief smirk and I knew that being honest with him hadn’t been a good idea. It wasn’t smart to tell him how I truly felt about his actions, but I guess I was just too naive and I never learned my lesson.

“What did you expect from me then?”

He confronted me with his cold gaze and I looked at him in desperation. I didn’t know how to reply. What was I supposed to tell him? I couldn’t say that I expected him to hurt me while I was burning with fever. It would have been the truth, but I couldn’t say it.

“I... I didn’t expect anything,” I mumbled awkwardly.

“I think I know exactly what you expected. You think I’m a monster, don’t you?” he asked in a low voice.

My eyes locked with his and I saw a glimpse of sadness in them. I tried to come up with something to say. Just something—anything—that would disapprove his statement. But I couldn’t look him in the eyes and lie to him. He would know. He always knew. He read me like an opened book.

“No.” I looked away. “I don’t think you’re a monster,” I tried to say in a convincing voice.

He leaned closer and caressed my cheek with his index finger before making me face him. I swallowed hard when I felt the mint breeze traveling to my neck.

“Don’t lie to me. I can handle the truth,” he whispered.

I couldn’t do anything else, except stare back at him and wonder what he wanted me to say.

“You’re looking at me like I’m holding a gun to your head and not a wet towel to help your fever. But you don’t think I’m a monster.” He arched his eyebrows like he was asking a question and not making a statement.

“I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what else to say.

He sighed and didn’t say anything. Instead, he just returned to his side of the bed and turned out the lights. I stayed awake long after he fell asleep, thinking about everything that happened in the past few days. No matter how hard I tried to stay unaffected, his actions still had an unwanted and strong impact on me. 

“You’re not a monster.” My whisper echoed in the darkness.

Chapter Nineteen

The following few days went by in an unusual routine. I would feel better in the mornings, but after I had passed out in the library, Sebastian didn’t allow me to leave the room until I got well. Anne brought all of my meals and checked on me every hour or so. All of my clothes and cosmetics had been transferred into the master bedroom which was the official sign that we shared it. Contradictory to Anne’s claims that he had spent the entire day next to me when I woke up in fever the first day, he didn’t come to see me at all during the past few days I’d been sick. He slept next to me every night, but he was always gone by the time I would wake up. We were still like strangers and the situation between us was very awkward. When he crept into the room late, he would take off his clothes in the dark, courteously ask me how I was feeling and then he would go to sleep. His demeanor remained cold, but he didn’t try to touch me, or force himself on me. Still, my nightmares wouldn’t cease and it surprised me that he continued comforting me when I woke up in a fever, screaming and panting for air. He never asked me, but I was sure he knew what I dreamt about. Tears would always spring to my eyes when he whispered to me, caressing my hair. He endlessly repeated that everything would be okay, although we both knew it wouldn’t. It couldn’t be okay. Not with me, not with us, not with that contract that was hanging above our fates like a stormy cloud. Nevertheless, I wanted to believe that illusion so badly. I became addicted to his false reassurance, longing for it like it was the very air I breathed. Those moments were like magic, a short-lived glimpse of hope I held onto until it was shattered by the light of the new day, when everything would go back to the way it was. He would regain his cold composure and I would return to my despair.

***

After spending the whole week in bed, I felt better and I could finally go outside and get some fresh air. Going to the dining room to have breakfast, also brought an immense sense of delight. Anne informed me that Sebastian went to the company early in the morning, which meant that I would have the house to myself. I was focused on my food when I heard a knock on the door.

“Found you, fever girl,” Helen greeted me with a broad smile.

I was so excited to see her. I stood up to give her a tight hug and she hugged me back with the same enthusiasm.

“Sebastian told me you were sick. I’m sorry I didn’t come to visit earlier, but he ordered me not to bother you.” She had an apologetic look on her face and I pretended that her explanation didn’t affect me.” I heard you felt better so I thought you might want to join me for a ride to the city,” she offered, like she knew I was desperate to leave the house for a while.

“I think that’s a great idea. I’ll just need to tell Anne that I’ll be gone. Be back in a moment,” I said as I was leaving the room.

It felt immensely good to be outside again. We were rewarded by a magnificent summer day and I could relax a bit after a long time of tension. We were going through the shops, laughing and trying on different combinations. She tried to persuade me to buy another expensive dress, but this time I wouldn’t give in. When we got tired of window shopping, we bought some ice cream and sat down in the park. For a long time, we remained quiet, enjoying the summer magic which unfolded before our eyes. Helen looked at me and smiled like she wanted to ask me something, but didn’t know how.

“How are you?” It was an innocent question, but I suspected she hadn’t asked it out of courtesy. Something was bothering her.

“I’m okay. Everything’s fine.” I looked away.

“You know,” she paused, “I’ve been worried about you lately.”

“Why?” I asked, even though her comment from the last time still lingered on my mind. She had noticed how Sebastian treated me.

“I noticed you were under a lot of stress the last time I saw you. There is something you’re not telling me. You know you can trust me, right?” She squeezed my hand.

She had no idea how much I wanted to talk to someone who would help me and understand what I was going through, but I couldn’t share my problems with her. It shamed me to talk about the contract and my obligations towards her brother. I couldn’t discuss the circumstances that frightened me to the very core of my being.

“I needed some time to adjust. I’m all better now.” I managed to produce a smile.

Helen stared at me for a while, her eyes wide open, her head slightly shaking. I knew she wouldn’t let it go. I sensed she wanted to dig deep until she found the source of my misery. I had to put up my walls and defend my secret.

“You don’t look better. Please, tell me my brother isn’t hurting you.” She frowned from worry.

“No, he isn’t hurting me, Helen.” It was the truth. He hadn’t done anything hurtful to me in a while. “Don’t worry.” I forced a smile again.

“I’m sorry, Isabelle. It’s just that there is so much sadness in your eyes and I don’t want you to be sad.” A tender light reflected in her eyes.

I stared at her with a blank expression, feeling heartbroken. Her words were about to draw tears to my eyes, but I couldn’t allow myself to crumble in front of her. My secret had to stay safe with me, so I squeezed my eyes shut and suppressed the urge to cry. I looked away and focused on children playing in the park just to keep my mind away from my gloomy thoughts. Then, as I watched those children play with their parents standing around, my heart sunk into depths of the darkest despair. Sebastian expected me to give him a son, to give birth to a child I would have to abandon because all he wanted to do was divorce me and send me back to my mother with a pile of his dirty money. I took a deep breath and tried not to let panic consume me. Helen squeezed my hand another time and smiled shortly, to let me know she wouldn’t push the matter any further.

“I know what will cheer you up. How about we go to the movies?” she suggested excitedly.

“Come on. It will be fun. I haven’t been in ages,” she continued encouraging me when she noticed I hesitated. “What do you say? I’ll even let you choose the movie.” She laughed.

“Well, that’s an offer I can’t refuse,” I replied, smiling.

I was glad I didn’t refuse Helen’s offer to go to the cinema, because we ended up watching the newest comedy with Eddie Murphy, and I laughed my eyes out. When the movie ended, it was late and we had to head back to the mansion. Since it was already dark, Helen dropped me off and went back to her parent’s house without greeting Sebastian.

“See you in two days.” She smiled and then frowned when she noticed I didn’t know what she was referring to. “It’s our parent’s anniversary, remember?”

“Oh, I completely forgot about that. I’m glad I’ll see you soon then.” I tried to sound happy even though I was terribly nervous about it.

***

The light mood Helen managed to put me in, disappeared the moment I set foot into the house. The dark aura of negativity settled in my heart, causing the growing feeling of detest towards that place. 
This wasn’t my home, this was my prison.
 With lingering reluctance, I climbed the stairs, deliberately postponing my encounter with Sebastian for as long as I could. Once I was on the first floor, my eyes darted towards my old room and I paused by the door, pulled by an incredible desire to walk in. However, I quickly brushed away the thought, knowing that he would come and make me sleep in the master bedroom anyway. As I approached that room, my palms started sweating and I was getting nervous. For some reason, I didn’t want to go there, because I could almost breathe in the danger seething from that space, but I didn’t have any choice but to go inside.

The first thing I saw when I entered the bedroom proved that my intuition had been right on spot. Sebastian was standing in the middle of the room,
naked
! He looked like he’d just got out of the shower and he was using a towel to dry his hair. When he noticed me, there was a clear sign of surprise on his face, but he wasn’t even a bit shy and he had no intention of covering himself. My heart started pounding in a crazy rhythm as I gasped in shock and turned around to leave the moment I saw him.

“Isabelle, don’t!” he warned me as my hand grabbed the handle. “Turn around,” he said in a soft voice, but it still felt like an order I had to obey.

I clenched my fists, turned around and looked at the floor, blushing because there was a naked man standing in front of me. And not just any naked man; the man who horrified me with his clothes on, was now exposed in all of his naked glory. I was visibly shaken and he noticed, because he smirked as he wrapped a towel around himself.

“It’s okay. You can look now,” he said reassuringly.

Then he approached me and I started moving away from him until my back hit the door. He shook his head in disapproval and raised my chin to level my eyes with his. I started panting for air, trying to look away from him, but he wouldn’t let me divert my gaze. His eyes were glowing as he observed my discomfort and a contour of a smile appeared on his lips. He leaned his head towards me, making my body vibrate from the unpleasant feeling his closeness evoked in me. I felt his breath on my neck and for a moment our breathing synchronized as we gaped at each other. It felt like he was the hunter, and I was the prey who’d walked right into his trap. I stilled and after a while, I was startled by his low voice.

“You are scared.” It wasn’t a question, but I nodded anyway. “What are you afraid of?”

I gasped and tried to move away when he asked me that question, but he wouldn’t let me. He held me in a tight embrace and possessively pulled me even closer to him. As I was trembling in his arms, the images of what he would do to me tortured my mind.

“You,” I finally said in a voice that uncovered how much his presence troubled me.

Something flickered in his eyes and suddenly they were filled with a mysterious emotion. I waited for him to tell me that I should fear him just like he had told me on our wedding night, but he didn’t. He just wrapped a lock of my hair between his fingers and gazed at me. My eyes widened from fear and I was fully prepared to endure his rage, only it never came. Instead, his stare became more restless, until he diverted his eyes from mine and stepped away from me like he was tortured by something.

The moment he created some space between us, I practically ran into the bathroom like a frightened kitten running from a big bad wolf. The last few nights he’d assured me he wouldn’t touch me while I was sick, but now that I felt better, things had definitely changed. The fact that I couldn’t lock the door and that he could come in any moment drove me crazy. After removing my makeup, brushing my teeth and putting on my nightgown, I hesitated to go back to him. When I gathered enough courage, I took a deep breath and opened the door. Sebastian observed me from the bed. He turned off the chandelier lamp, and the only source of light in the room was the lamp on the nightstand. I wrapped my arms around myself and slowly walked to my side of the bed. As I walked awkwardly, I noticed his eyes were boring into me, following my every frightened move. He lifted up the sheets on my side and waited for me to lie down. As I lowered my body to the bed, I couldn’t stop shaking, and I flinched when he covered me with the sheets he was holding. He touched my shoulder and I almost jumped off of the bed in my attempt to escape, but his hands held me still.

“Isabelle,” he called, but I had no courage to answer.

After moments of silence, he pulled me closer and laid a hand on my stomach to turn me around. My abdomen started moving up and down as I breathed rapidly, allowing him to move my body. When my troubled gaze met his cruel green eyes, I stopped breathing altogether and swallowed loudly. I clenched my teeth to stop my nervous gasps, but I wasn’t successful at it. I cringed when he removed the hair from my face and kept his hand on my chin. He scanned my face for a few moments and then said the last thing I expected to hear.

“I don’t want you to be afraid.” He paused for a moment.

The words echoed in my mind, evoking the conflicting memories brought about by the man who stared at me with what felt like sincerity.

Slowly, his fingers trailed down my cheek, traveling along my neck and marking the path all the way down to my abdomen. His touch was intimate, and though he wasn’t rough at all, I couldn’t stop trembling from the sheer terror that followed the trace of his fingers. When he rested his hand on my hip, I froze. He stilled and confronted me with his eyes. He wasn’t annoyed or angry. The expression on his face was different; mysterious and unfathomable. With surprising tenderness, he lowered the strap of my nightgown and caressed my naked shoulder. I flinched when his hand made contact with my skin, but he held me so firmly that I had nowhere to go. His gaze remained locked on mine and I saw fire in his usually ice cold green eyes.

He broke the stare between us as he lowered his head to my exposed shoulder and kissed it gently. Then he looked up at me and I was absolutely taken aback by the unexpected intimacy we shared. Our eyes were at the same level again and we communicated without making a sound. My gaze was begging him to stop, whereas his sent out a message that I shouldn’t fight him on this. As he leaned above me, propping on his elbow, his hand went through my hair until it slid to my cheek.

“You don’t need to be worried. I only want to touch. Nothing else,” he spoke softly.

“O-only touch?” I asked with fear and mistrust.

My face reddened when his fingers lightly grazed it and there was a glimpse of something that resembled a smile on his face.