Vital Sign (15 page)

“
Shh. It’s okay,” I try soothing her. “Close your eyes.”

She looks at me carefully. Testing me. Pleading with me to make sure that she doesn’t regret doing as I say. Warning me to not hurt her.

Her eyes shut and I take a deep breath as quietly as I can. I’m so fucking nervous, but I know she needs this. As much as it sucks for me, I know she needs this. How I feel is irrelevant.

I step forward and gently pull her to me. I close my eyes and pretend for one second that I’m him. I pretend that I’m this good guy who fell in love with the good girl. I pretend that Sadie Parker is my wife and that I love her more than words can say. I pretend that I’m a man who
’s going to die tomorrow and this is my last chance to make her feel this—me—us so that when I’m gone, she’ll have the memory of this moment and maybe it will serve as her segue from painful grief to amiable recollections.

Sadie’s body goes a little rigid when I pull her so close that her breasts press flush up to my torso. I press both palms to her back and let one hand drift lazily up to the nape of her neck while the palm of my other hand begins rubbing a light path up and down her lower spine.
She relaxes almost instantly. Her body turns pliable in my grip. A weak little whine escapes her and it only motivates me.

I tighten my arms around her and start twirling a lock of hair at the nape of her neck. She wraps her arms around my waist and buries her face at my collarbone. Tremors shake her thin body but I just hold her tighter. Something warm has soaked through my shirt and when a soft sob fills my ears
, I realize that it’s her tears. She seems to sway a little bit from side to side, silently telling me, teaching me how to touch her, how he touched her. I do exactly what she wants. I move side to side, almost like slow dancing without moving my feet.

“Jake,” she whimpers. “Oh
, Jake.”

With Zander’s arms around me, I feel so close to Jake. He
’s hugging me exactly like Jake used to. With the exception of a few small details as far as height and build, the hug feels painfully similar. Warmth from his body blankets mine, making it impossible for me to resist. 

I turn my head to look straight at Zander. My lips brush lightly against the fabric of his shirt
, making him tense. His finger stops twirling my hair to tangle in it. His hand stop drifting up and down my spine, splaying across my lower back instead.

“Don’t stop. Please don’t stop.”

“Okay,” he breathes, his lips gliding against my forehead right at my hairline.

I gasp a little at the feel of his lips. They’re so full. Kissable. My breathing is coming out in choppy little
pants now and I don’t bother trying to calm myself down.

“Tell me what you want
, Sadie,” he instructs, his lips still at my hairline.

“Jake use to nip my bottom lip when he kissed me. He would kiss me for a long time, nipping my bottom lip a little
. Then he’d peck me three times before he left,” I confess quietly to Zander’s shirt, feeling ashamed of what I’m asking him to do.

Zande
r’s breathing becomes choppy like mine. The hand in my hair comes to my chin and he tilts my head back so that I’m looking right into those sapphire eyes. “You tell me what you want, Sadie, and I’ll do it. I swear I’ll do whatever you want, but once I kiss you, you can’t just expect me to stop, to not want any more of you.”

A small gasp and nod is the only response I can give. My eyes brim with tears and I know that my tearful state isn
’t just from remembering Jake’s touch. I’m crying because Zander’s touch is that perfect to me. I haven’t been touched in so long and I’ve never been touched like Zander touches me. Not in my entire life. Guilt shadows the moment and I try hard to ignore it.

Both of his hands cup my face. With one last attentive look in my eyes
, he leans in and brings my face to his. His mouth covers mine and everything else fades into nothingness. I can’t hear the ocean. I can’t smell the salt in the air. My senses are permeated with Zander. Whatever shadows of guilt I had before, they’re gone now. His lips coax and tease at mine, causing me to moan against his mouth. He alternates rapid fire little kisses with long, lingering kisses that leave my lips tender and swollen.

“Sad
ie,” he says my name like a vow and I melt a little more. His teeth nip at my bottom lip, winning a moan from me. God, he feels amazing. One light peck. Two. Three. His hips thrust forward, earning another moan, but it comes out needy and pleading.

It startles me.

I break away, panting to catch my breath and gather my bearings. “I—Zander, I can’t go any farther…” I trail off, not knowing how the hell to tell him that the hugging, even the kissing, is one thing, but the prospect of sex is an entirely different situation. I can’t do that. I swore. I swore to Jake and to myself that he would always be my one and only. Sex with Zander would ruin that and leave me resentful of him and myself for giving in to temptation like a teenager.

I watch as Zander runs his hands through his hair. He’s upset. I can’t blame him either. “It’s okay
, Sadie. I would never do anything that you didn’t want.”

“I do—I do want you
, but I can’t,” I admit sheepishly, hanging my head and worrying my laced fingers. He looks back up at me with a wry smile.

“
It’s fine. Don’t worry about it, okay?”

“Okay.”

I close my eyes for a second, fighting off the guilt that I know will come crashing down on me when I’m back in my room later. I’ll ignore that guilt just for now. “Zander, I should go. Um, I have to go,” I say, nervously looking around for my abandoned flats.

“What? Wait.” Zander’s handsome face looks like he’s lost in confusion and I feel even
guiltier. “What’s wrong?”

“No. Nothing’s wrong. I just have to go. I—I have to go
,” I say with growing panic in my voice. I can’t believe I was just so close to him. So intimate with him.

What have I done?

“Um, okay,” he says, lifting his eyebrows and running his hand through his sloppy light brown locks. “I’ll take you.”

“No. No. I’m just going to walk. Thank you
, though.” I hurry past him without looking him in the eye like the coward that I am.

“Bye.”

“Bye. I guess.”

I hurry down the wide staircase then to the boardwalk that stretches over the dune to the beach. Despite knowing better, I chance a look back at the handsome, confused, sweet man that I’ve spent the entire day with. I shouldn’t have looked back. His face is stricken with worry and confusion and my first instinct is to go back to him and make it better. My first instinct is to stay with him. To be near him. To listen to him and talk to him and bask in the calm that being with him brings me. Instead of going back
, I let my feet carry me as quickly as they can down the beach and into the dusky horizon. Out of sight.

I let the weighted door of my motel room shut itself as I walk past the bed and straight into the bathroom. I can’t get to the shower faucet quick enough. A litany of emotions have consumed my body and mind but the most consuming of them all is how dirty I feel. I feel so fucking dirty. I want to wash it all away. I feel like I’ve done something awful. I
have
done something awful. The water comes rushing out of the faucet at the same time that a tortured sob bursts from my mouth. I cover my mouth with both hands, leaving my nostrils flaring to take in enough breath to sustain me. My cheeks burn, my pulse pounds in my ears. My stomach churns and it’s all my fault. It’s Zander’s fault too.

I pull and tug at my clothes, fighting to get out of them and under the water. I can smell him on me. I want to smell him and forget ever seeing him at the same time. With my clothes still on
, I step under the spray before it has even warmed up. I sink down at the back of the shower and pull my knees to my chest, hoping that if I sit here long enough, it may just wash away what happened at Zander’s house today. I hope it washes away what I
felt
at Zander’s house. He made me
feel
so much. I remember the way I felt when Jake had his arms around me. I remember what it felt like to feel safe and wanted. Zander made me want him. He made my body wake up and take notice of the desire that he elicits from me. When I’m so close to him, my stomach flutters and my center pulses, begging for him to touch me there. It all feels so wrong and right at the same time.

***

“Jake, wait!” I call out to him as he jogs backward up the beach wearing a playful smile that always meant mischief. He rights himself, giving me his back as he jogs away with ease. My feet seem sluggish in the sand and I fight to take longer strides. “Jake, dammit, Jake! Wait!” I cry out, hoping that he’ll take pity on me and come back to where I am.

His pace slows and for a moment I think he may come back. He jogs backward again
, bringing his hands to his mouth. “I’m around even when I’m not, Sade! You know that!” he shouts with his hands cupped around his mouth, amplifying his deep voice. He turns away from me again and continues his jog into the horizon.

The distance between us grows, his form getting smaller on the horizon. Panic springs up in me and I devote all of me to catching up to him. I fill my lungs with breath after big breath and hurl myself forward, determined to catch him. “Jake!” I cry out, all playfulness in my voice replaced with alarm. His figure grows smaller yet and he doesn’
t turn around again to see that the sand seems to be swallowing me up. I can’t move fast enough. He’s too quick. I will my legs to work through the cramps that strike my achy muscles.

My lungs
are burning. My legs are on fire. I stop where I am, giving up on catching him. I bend at the waist, bracing my palms on my knees, and work at catching my breath. I plop down on the sand and look out at the water converging with the sand one sluggish wave at a time. 

I look in the direction that he took off running again
, but he’s out of sight, the sand where his feet dug down, stride after stride, the only proof that I wasn’t chasing a ghost.

I hear the sub
tle slip of sand beneath someone’s feet and turn in place, expecting to see Jake. He’s come back!

Zander’s lips tilt up in a grin. His eyes crinkle a little at their edges and I sigh heavily
, taking his outstretched hand to help me up.

My eyes drift open easily
, like waking up after a full night of peaceful sleep. Except I haven’t slept peacefully and it hasn’t been a full night. The clock on the nightstand reads 3:17 and I groan, burying my face into the pillow. What the fuck kind of dream was that? I’d never give up on catching up with Jake. I would have kept running. I shake my head, adjust my pillow, fluffing it here and there, then flop back down into the bed ready to sleep another couple of hours, hopefully dreamlessly.

***

I open my door at a reasonable morning hour (7:45 as opposed to 3:17), ready to go visit with Dawn. I need to talk to her. I want to talk to her. She’s so easy to talk to and the only person that I feel I can relate to. I don’t feel so alone when I talk to her and I need advice. I look down, checking my pocket for my cell phone and room key before the door shuts when I see a package at my feet. My heart stops in my chest and I glance around for him. I know I’m looking for Zander. As much as I hate it, I know that’s what I’m doing.

I stoop down and pick up a small white box with the Apple logo on the front. “What the hell?” I mutter as I pull the top lid off and peer inside. I’m surprised and elated when I see a lone sand dollar inside along with a small sticky note with scribbled man handwriting on it.

I didn’t have another box.

I’m sorry if I did something wrong.

Please stay.

-Zander
 

I smile and roll my eyes at Mr. Short and Sweet.
He got me a sand dollar. He was listening to me last night. He listened. He must have gone and found this one at dawn. It would have been too dark to comb the beach last night. Unless he just happens to have sand dollars around the house. I inhale deeply and turn around to go back into my room. His email included his phone number. I think I’ll skip a chat with Dawn this morning and take my own advice—
he’s nice. Be nice back.

Flopping down on my bed
, I pull my cell phone out and open the emails in search of his phone number. It takes me all of thirty seconds to copy his number and open a new text message.

You should get little sand dollar boxes. Doesn’t everyone have those? Thank you.

-Sadie

You’
re welcome. I can find more.

-A.M.

You didn’t do anything wrong, Zander. It’s just me.

-Sadie

Have you left?

-A.M.

No. Still here.

-Sadie

Me too…

-A.M

I know that his response means so much more than what it really says. He told me that he’d be “here” when I was ready. I just…I can’t. I want so badly to spend time with him, to just talk to him, but my ability to resist his touch and the lure from his dark blue eyes practically vanishes when I’m with him.

There
’s a tangible companionship between the two of us. He’s lonely like I am. It’s so painfully obvious that Zander isolates himself from the world. I do too and I know my reasons. I just wish I knew Zander’s. If we spend more time together, I plan on finding out who Alexander McBride
really
is. Something tells me that Alexander McBride and Zander McBride are two entirely different people. I want to know them both.