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"Please, don't tell Grace."

"Why not?"

"Because. I need some time."

"Sweetie– "

"Mom, please. I don't want to give her false hope. Not until I've figured this out."

She cupped my face and kissed my cheek. "Okay, son. I'll leave it up to you."

"Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet," she replied. A pat on my chest and a tug on my shirt to straighten it, was the next thing I felt. Taking care of me like she always did. "I'll call you later. Keep your phone on you, okay?"

"I will, but before you go, will you do me a favor?" I stammered, struggling with the decisions I was making in my mind.

"Of course."

"Will you call someone for me? I don't know the number, but it's written down somewhere in my room."

"Ryan?"

I nodded, not surprised that she knew exactly what I needed to do. It was her phone he had called so many times before, trying to reach me.

I heard Mom fumble around in her purse, then the beep of her phone. She dialed the number in mine. "Just press send," she said, then hugged me tightly and left.

I found my way to the kitchen and sat down at the table. This was a long overdue conversation and I had a lot to say.

I pressed send, my hands shaking as I did, unsure if my best friend would even talk to me anymore. But I needed to try. I needed to set some things right so I could center myself in everything else.

"Hello?"

"Ryan?"

"Yeah, may I ask who's calling?"

I took a deep breath, clearing my throat so it didn't crack. "It's Merrick."

Silence.

I could only imagine what was going through his mind. I had ignored every attempt he made to contact me in the beginning, until he just stopped trying. The last time I spoke to him was in that hospital room in Germany, just minutes after I received a silver star for whatever it was the military thought I did. I hadn't hesitated to demand that he leave the room. The regret came immediately after, but I fought it.

That's how far gone I actually was at the time. I wanted nothing to do with the man I'd risked my life to save.

"Merrick. Wow, this is a surprise."

"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry about that."

"Sorry? Man, you have no reason to be sorry," he insisted. "It's totally fucked. I get it."

I wasn't the only one that had lost something in that attack. Ryan lost one of his hands and had multiple surgeries on the other, an attempt to fix his shattered fingers. The rest of his injuries were mainly superficial, with very few major burns. He also couldn't hear out of one of his ears. I didn't doubt he considered it just an inconvenience, but I knew what it was like to be missing a part of yourself.

"I don't expect you to say a damn thing, Merrick, because what can we say to each other?" he added.

"Still."

He chuckled. "Then, apology accepted. Just don't ignore me anymore and I'll forget all about it."

I shook my head, grinning because that's just who Ryan was. A forgiving fool that cared too much about me.

"I won't."

"Thank you, Merrick. For saving my life. For being strong enough to do it. I'm alive because of you."

"Ryan–"

"No, let me finish," he demanded before breathing deeply. "Miranda has her husband because of you. Charlotte has her father. There's nothing in the world you could possibly do that would stop me from being your friend. You name it, Merrick. I'm there."

There was nothing to say. We understood each other and I wasn't going to fight him.

"So," he hedged for us both, neither of us wanting to get too emotional. "Tell me how things are going. You adapting?"

I combed my fingers through my hair, remembering how long it actually took me to stop being so angry. It probably wasn't as long as others because I had one thing they didn't.

"I'm getting there, with help."

"You talking to the base counselor?"

"Not anymore. Someone better." I closed my eyes and thought of Grace.

"You met someone, didn't you?"

"Yeah. I did."

"Well, I want to meet her. If she's the one that got through your thick skull, she must be special."

I laughed. "She's pretty special."

We talked about my recovery and the therapy I did. He told me about the trouble he'd run into with his injuries and how Miranda didn't let him whine much about it.

"She's so busy with Charlotte all the time that my complaining is more like white noise," he said with a short laugh.

"You enjoying fatherhood?"

"God, yes. Every minute. I wasn't able to hold her much until recently, because of the hands. But man, hearing that little girl cry ... it's the most beautiful sound in the world."

"I bet Miranda feels differently."

He laughed, reminding me of all the times we spent doing just that. I'd had friends when I was younger, but none of them were as loyal or admirable as Ryan Warner. The man just had a way about him that could lock you in for life. There was never a bad hair on his head.

"So? Anything else you want to tell me?" he asked, bluntly.

He also knew how to get information. It was one of the skills Captain Bowman admired in our training.

"I've got a decision to make and for the life of me, I can't figure out why it's so hard."

"I'm all ears. Well, kind of."

I told him what I'd discovered only an hour earlier. Then, I told him what I was afraid of. He understood the effort it had taken to get where I was. It was a relief to know I wasn't being a complete dimwit.

"Listen up, Merrick. Just because I can't hear out of both ears, doesn't mean I can't hear. It doesn't lessen the experience, just makes me appreciate it all the more. You get your sight back in one eye, it won't change a damn thing, except what you see."

Well, when he put it that way ...

"I don't think I can go through it again. I've got plans, a life. Finally, I have a life that I can appreciate."

"I get it. I really do. But what happens after that?"

"I don't know."

"So, what do you really want? If you have plans, shouldn't you know?"

The only thing I really knew, was that I wanted Grace in my life. Forever. The short time we'd had together, changed more than seeing ever would. I also wanted that life to mean something.

"Here's an idea. How about you come down to Mona for a visit," Ryan suggested. "It's only a few hours from you. Take a breather. Give that Grace a kiss and tell her you need a minute. Come see Charlotte, have some beers, eat some junk."

"That sounds really good."

"Do you need me to come get you?"

"No," I said, shaking my head and feeling a little more relaxed. "I'll call Micah and see if he's got some time to give me a ride."

Ryan chuckled. "Good, because I want to meet that boy. Find out if he's really as smart as you say."

"Oh, he is. Believe me," I grinned. He'd proved it to me way too many times to think otherwise.

We made a few arrangements before saying goodbye. I called Micah and he agreed to drive me to Mona when he finished his shift.

I had two hours to think. Two hours to decide what to tell Grace.

I thought the decision to join the military was daunting. Thinking about telling the woman I loved that I might see again wasn't the scary part. The possibility that it might not happen; that's what terrified me. I tried so hard to push away the hope, but it was there all the same.

Me? I could find a way to handle it. But I didn't want Grace to even have to.

So, I made the dumbest decision I'd ever made. I'm a man after all. I get a few of those in a lifetime, don't I?

Grace

The weekend passed with only a few calls from Merrick. Mostly 'good morning' and 'good night', but I was grateful for them anyway.

He kept it short and sweet, telling me he'd see me soon and not to worry. He asked how the new job was going, told me a little about Ryan, Miranda, and little Charlotte, then told me to have a good day or sleep well.

I was ecstatic he had finally decided to see Ryan. When he called me Friday afternoon to tell me, I couldn't encourage him more. Keara stood behind me jumping up and down with happiness, too. That's how important we thought this was for him. Plus, she was just as invested in this relationship as I was.

Or so she told me.

"It's Merrick Thatcher, Grace. Don't get me wrong, Josh is my world and I love him to death, but Merrick Thatcher! If anyone deserves you, it's him."

I'd stayed so busy helping her with wedding plans, I didn't even think about how
not
seeing Merrick would actually feel. It was like a piece of me was missing while he was gone. And not because I had gotten so used to spending time with him.

Merrick was keeping something from me and I couldn't figure out what it was.

I knew it had something to do with what he discussed with my father, but no matter how many times I asked Dad to tell me what was going on, he wouldn't. He said not to worry about it and that Merrick needed to handle it on his own.

That scared me more than anything.

He could do anything on his own, but I knew what he went through and how easy it was to fall back to the dark he lived in after the attack. I also couldn't fight the feeling that it was all coming to an end. Like it did before.

Merrick wasn't Jason. But I was still me. I still had doubts no matter how hard I fought them.

Sitting at my desk in the hospital, I dropped my head in my hands. I was running on very little sleep and it was starting to get to me. Working on a Sunday was the only thing I could do to keep my mind occupied, but it was useless anyway. My mind wandered more in this small office than it did at home.

"Grace?"

I looked up to find Micah standing in the doorway with an anxious look on his face.

"Hi, Micah."

"You look horrible," he commented with a disbelieving shake of his head.

"Thank you, I feel just wonderful," I retorted, very sarcastically.

"He say anything yet?"

I shook my head and looked back down at the paperwork covering my desk. Micah came by the night Merrick left, and it was obvious from his behavior that night, he knew something I didn't. "Not a word. I know something's going on, Micah. Is it something I did? Is he hiding from
me
?"

"No. He isn't." Micah walked up to my desk and sat in the uncomfortable metal chair in front of it. He looked me directly in the eyes and firmly stated, "No way."

"Then what's going on? If it's stupid of me to feel this way, just tell me."

He sighed and rubbed a hand down his face. Micah looked a lot like his older brother, but his features were much softer. The same blue eyes shined back at me and I ached for Merrick even more.
What the hell is wrong with you, Grace?

"He's with Ryan. They're probably spending all this time catching up. Merrick had a lot to make up for, so I'm sure he's doing what he can."

"You're probably right. I just can't help but feel like he's keeping something from me."

He nodded with a frown, then shrugged, as if he couldn't decide
what
he thought. "He'll be back by tomorrow. I'm sure of it."

"Mitch's trial is tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah. No way he'd miss that."

I sighed. Micah was right, as usual. I'd see Merrick tomorrow. "How is he getting home?"

"Ryan will bring him."

I looked back down at my desk, deciding to just go home and try to get some rest.

When I stood and lifted my purse to my shoulder, I met Micah's inscrutable gaze. Whatever it was he knew, he certainly wasn't going to tell me. I would just have to find out from Merrick himself, when he got back.

I didn't like the secrets or the evasiveness, but whatever Merrick needed from me, I would give it. Whatever it was, I was ready.

***

I woke early the next morning, the sound of Merrick's voice pulling me from sleep.

It reminded me of my first day back. The day I heard Merrick for the first time in years. He had been so angry that day, hurt and frustrated.

Today was different. His voice was softer, more anxious than angry, and his mother wasn't begging him to let her help.

Based on the conversation, neither one of them realized the window was open. They weren't in his bedroom, but they were speaking loud enough for me to make out what they were saying.

"Yeah, Mom. I'll tell her. Tonight."

"Good, because I can't just keep dodging the subject. I see her at work almost every day and she knows something is going on, son."

"Did you make a decision?" his father asked.

"I think so," Merrick replied.

"And?"

Silence.

The ball that had been in my stomach all weekend, expanded, and all of my worries came to a head.

Merrick
was
hiding something from me. They all were.

It hurt to think he couldn't trust me enough to talk to me. That after the turn in our relationship, he still felt the need to keep things from me. If his parents were urging him to say something, then it had to be big.

I sat up in my bed and pulled in a deep breath, calming the tightness in my stomach. "Think about this, Grace," I whispered to myself.

A decision.

Merrick had to make a decision about something and it was clearly a difficult one. I refused to consider that it had anything to do with me. I couldn't let myself go down that path. And if it did – if this was about me and Merrick – then I'd face that when the time came.

Tonight, apparently.

No. This was about Merrick. This was about something important to him and he was hesitant to let me in on it. So, I needed to give him the space he required to figure things out on his own. I couldn't solve everything for him and I knew he didn't want me to.

I had to trust
him
.

I got myself ready for the day, resisting the urge to go over there and demand they tell me what was happening. I was going to find out soon enough.

"Good morning, dear."

Mom was sitting at the counter with her giant cup of coffee in front of her and a new book.

"Good morning."

"It's nice to see you looking a little more rested," she said, her lips twisting into a wry smile.

"I still feel like I need another week," I replied, fighting to keep my shoulders straight and my eyes opened.

"Are you working today?"

"I am, but not until a little later."

"Then why are you up so early?" she asked, as if she didn't already know.

"Couldn't sleep anymore."

"Yes, well, love will do that to you."

I dropped my head forward and avoided eye contact. Mom hadn't been surprised when I told her about Merrick. In fact, she almost looked triumphant when she found out we were together. The hour she spent on the phone with Emma, afterward, was the only clue I needed to discover that they both hoped for Merrick and I to get together from the beginning.

Although, me spending my nights there wasn't really in their original plans. Merrick didn't care and had told them so. "We've both been through enough to figure out what we want," he'd said. "And to take it."

Dad was a little more hesitant to accept the relationship, but he came around when Merrick came over for dinner that last night I was with him.

"Merrick's a good man," Dad said, pulling me aside later that night. "I'm glad you're happy, Grace. I'm still your dad, though. I'll always feel that no man is worthy of you, but if anyone comes close, it's Merrick Thatcher."

It was exactly what I needed to hear at the time.

I was planning on moving out of my parents home as soon as possible. The idea was always in the plans. Once I found my feet, I would move on. Now that I had, I wanted to get myself together and be the independent woman I always wanted to be.

It's one of the things I did while Merrick was gone all weekend. Keara knew the landlord of some apartments in town and after getting a good look at them, I made the decision and submitted my deposit. All weekend, I'd been anxious to tell Merrick.

Now? I didn't know what to do.

"Is Merrick back?" Mom asked, sipping her coffee and pretending to read her book when, in reality, she was reading my every gesture and expression.

"He is," I sputtered. "I'm sure they're heading out soon. The trial starts today."

"Well, that should resolve awfully quick, don't you think? The guy who hit Mitch won't make it past the judge."

I nodded in agreement and opened the fridge to find something for breakfast. I wasn't even hungry, but I had to do
something
. There was a knock at the door and Mom stood to answer it.

"By the way, Merrick called late last night," she informed me. I whipped around to see the smirk on her face.

"He did?"

"You left your phone on the counter and you were already asleep. He said not to wake you."

"What else did he say?" I practically begged, searching the kitchen for my phone so I could see for myself that he had truly called.

Mom walked away with a chuckle.

"Mom! What did he say?"

I heard her open the door and my shoulders slumped as I fought the urge to stomp my foot. I loved the woman, but sometimes she was evil.

Two pairs of footsteps came closer to the kitchen. Slow and steady.

"You look so handsome," Mom said, an obvious smile in her voice.

Merrick was right. You
could
hear it sometimes.

"Thank you, ma'am."

Merrick.

I took in a sharp breath and froze in front of the open fridge. He was here.

"You call me Alaina, young man. I don't want to be ma'am to anyone."

They both turned the corner and Mom winked at me while I stood there, blinking in confusion. "Grace, there's someone here to see you," she chimed.

My mouth hung open, my eyes feeling like they were going to pop out of my head. I didn't expect to see him today. Not yet. I knew how he felt about me, but after the weekend, and overhearing that conversation with his parents, I just couldn't be sure.

"Does she look surprised?" Merrick asked my mother.

"Oh, surprised is an understatement," Mom laughed. "I'll leave you two alone. I've got to get to the library."

She grabbed her purse off the counter and walked up to me, clasping my shoulders in her hands. "It's going to be okay, dear," she whispered, then kissed my cheek and walked away.

A long moment passed in silence as Merrick and I stood in the kitchen, both of us obviously feeling awkward.

I shut the door to the fridge and stepped closer to him. I missed him like crazy. Those blue eyes, that shaggy hair, the scruff on his face that he only recently managed to make even. He was wearing a suit and looked so sexy. Those wide shoulders filled the jacket in a way no one else could. His hands hung at his side, curled into fists, like he was holding back just as much as I was. I had to hold my breath to keep from running to him.

He was gone two days, Grace. Get a grip.

"Hi, baby," Merrick whispered, gutturally.

I released a happy sob and he reached for me as I moved into his arms. I pressed my nose to his chest and inhaled, smelling that spicy cologne he rarely used. The one that made me dizzy with arousal.

"Damn. I missed you, Grace," he growled, his arms wrapping around me so tightly, it was hard to take a full breath. "Two fucking days and I about went insane." One of his hands moved to the back of my head and he curled his fingers in my hair, gently tugging my head back.

I saw the heat of desire on his face a second before he crushed his lips to mine. It was a kiss to dominate all the other kisses. Distance certainly does make the heart grow fonder. That, or it makes a person insanely desperate.

When we both needed air, he broke the kiss and pressed his forehead to mine.

I moved my hands up and down his arms, feeling the cords of muscle, the strength of what was wrapped around me."I missed you, too, Merrick."

"I hated being away from you," he informed me. "I don't want to do that again, but it was good to talk to Ryan and fix things."

"How is he?" I stuttered, feeling like a jerk for not really caring what the answer was at that moment.

His shoulders lifted in a shrug. "He's good. Now, kiss me again."

My laugh was swallowed by his mouth and his tongue sliding against mine. He still had a hold of my hair and tugging again to move my head to the side to deepen the kiss. My arms went around his neck as I lifted onto my toes.

The reason for my anxiety was promptly forgotten. I couldn't even remember why I was so worried about him in the first place.

Merrick's chest rumbled when I pressed myself against him. "God, I feel like I've been a starving man for the last two days. Next time, you're coming with me."

"I won't argue with that," I grinned, cupping his face between my hands and lifting to kiss his closed eyes.

He threaded his fingers through my hair and kissed my forehead. "You sure you can't come today?" he pleaded with a pout.

"I'm sorry. I'm covering for Cindy today. She has to take her son to some competition in Salt Lake. I don't want to make her miss it."

He nodded and bent down to kiss my neck. "I'll deal with it. We're having a family dinner tonight. You and your parents are invited."

"I'll be there and I'm sure Mom and Dad would love to come."

"Good. It's at my place." He kissed me again and lowered a hand to grip my ass and give it a firm squeeze. "I've got to get going. They're waiting for me outside."

"Okay," I said breathlessly.

"I'll see you tonight, baby."

"Okay."

He chuckled and took my hand in his, allowing me to lead him outside. Emma was waiting by the car. The conversation I shamelessly listened to this morning, floated back into my memory.