Vivienne's Guilt (33 page)

My gut reaction was to blame Vivienne. If she hadn’t taken those pills and led me on...if she hadn’t lied to me...if she hadn’t hidden my child away for all of these years...I walked around for days pissed off at this woman all over again, and then something clicked, and I realized that none of this is her fault, either.

Vivienne and I are victims of circumstance. Shitty fucking circumstance. The product of two people thrown into each other’s paths when we were most vulnerable. Viv didn’t ask for her husband to die. She didn’t choose to fall so deeply into a depression that she felt the only way to survive was by taking those damn pills. She didn’t ask to become pregnant or to miscarry. Vivienne didn’t intentionally hurt me, and that’s the biggest revelation of all. Because it’s easier to have someone else to blame.

I was young and impressionable. A horny kid, who’d never been exposed to anyone genuine in his entire life. I was raised in a place where love is superficial, and marriage is of convenience. And then I met Vivienne. A woman who loved with every fiber of her being. Her unwavering devotion to Abbott made me long for something more. I wanted it so badly that I wore blinders, only seeing the things that I wanted to see. I misread Vivienne’s signals and saw something that wasn’t ever really there.

The love I felt for her was real. I fell fast, and I fell hard. I went off to college with a broken heart, fucking anything in a skirt. I cursed her name for years. God, I hated Vivienne for showing me what was possible and then crushing any chance I had at finding it. No one made me feel even a fraction of what I felt for her that summer.

And then, halfway through my junior year, I met Julia and everything changed. From our very first meeting, I knew that something was different. She had a confident air that not many girls possessed at our age, and I found her maturity refreshing and so fucking sexy. For the first time since Vivienne, I wanted more. I wasted no time in making my intentions known, and for reasons I still can’t comprehend, that feisty Italian girl saw something in me as well. Every moment we spent together only made us yearn for more. We fell in love quickly and effortlessly. Loving this woman was as easy as breathing. She filled my heart so completely that there was no room for resentment. Loving Julia made me realize that what I felt for Vivienne was only scratching the surface. I stopped thinking of her as the woman who broke my heart and instead became thankful to her for saving me from the path that I was headed down.

I’ve thought of her and Tillie often, and when we literally bumped into each other at the supermarket, I can’t even explain the level of happiness I felt. It was like returning home after being away for five years. I didn’t realize how much I still missed them.

But when I looked up and saw him...my son, all of that hatred for her came rushing back tenfold. It’s never easy to learn that someone you love has been lying to you, but this was more than just a lie. This was an outright betrayal. Vivienne robbed me of a relationship with my child. She stole years that I can never get back. I felt cheated.

Nearly a week has gone by and the choice that I’m making to keep this secret from my wife, the woman I would lay down my life for, has forced me to consider the situation from Vivienne’s perspective. On some level...I get it. Whatever pain I felt that night in the hospital, Vivienne felt it so much worse. I understand all of her reasons, and I know that the truth would have been messy and painful. Selfishly, I still wish that she had chosen differently.

I flick on my blinker and turn down Vivienne’s long driveway, and while passing beneath the canopy of oaks, a feeling of nostalgia hits me. This is my family...my home. I glance over at my Jules sleeping so peacefully, and I know in my heart that I would do anything to protect her. I would shelter that woman from pain at all costs.

As I pull up next to the house and shift the car into park, I realize that Vivienne was only trying to protect me. She shouldered all of the responsibility so that I wouldn’t get hurt. While on the surface it seems wrong and selfish, she did the most selfless thing that she could. She tried to shelter me from the pain of having to make the most difficult decision of my life. Because there was only ever one way that this could end.

I have to let him go.

12 Years Later

Vivienne

This isn’t happening. It’s too soon. I’m not ready...

I pace the hall, listening to the clicking of my heels echo throughout the wide open space. Taking slow, measured breaths, I try desperately to ward off the panic that’s growing rampant in my chest.

The bitch with anxiety is that the harder you work to get it under control, the worse it seems to get. Stressing over the anxiety just leads to...yep, more anxiety. Heat floods my cheeks, and I don’t even need to see my reflection to know that my face is beet red. I walk over to stand beneath the air vent, hoping that it will cool my skin enough to bring it back to its natural shade of tan. The ceremony is going to be starting any minute now, and I’m a complete fucking mess.
Lovely
.

I lay my head against the wall and shut my eyes, trying to calm my nerves and clear my head. I breathe in and out slowly, and after a couple of minutes, my frantic heart slows to match the rhythm I’ve set. Feeling slightly more in control and realizing that I don’t have much time left, I lift my head and open my eyes. “Holy shit!”
Where the hell did he come from?

Reid chuckles, standing only a foot or so away. “Hey, beautiful...been looking for you everywhere. It’s just about showtime.” He takes my hand into his own, squeezing it gently. “It’s okay, Viv. Breathe.” Then, he lifts his other hand and begins righting my flyaway hairs without even giving it a second thought.
After all these years, he’s still taking care of me.

I swat his arm playfully. “Don’t sneak up on me like that. Jesus, Reid...you made me curse in church!”

“Whoa, I didn’t make you do shit.” He laughs, shaking his head. “I walked right up to you and even called your name a few times...”

“Liar,” I say, rolling my eyes. “And you can’t curse in here.”

“Shit, my bad.”

“Ugh.” I look around, making sure that no one was listening, and narrow my eyes at him. “Stop it...I mean it.” That Catholic guilt is in full effect.

Reid throws his hands up in surrender. “All right, all right. I quit. You know I just like fuckin’ with ya.”

“Oh my God!” I suck in my cheeks, trying not to laugh. “I cannot believe you just said that.”

He smirks. “You can’t believe I said what? Fuck? I say fuck all the time, Viv. It’s like you don’t know me at all.”

This time, I can’t hold it in. I bust out laughing. “You are terrible!”

“Sometimes,” he admits with a shrug. “Seriously, though, are you all right? We got worried when we couldn’t find you.”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine. Just needed a minute to regroup.”

Reid pulls out his phone and starts typing. “Gimme a sec,” he says, holding up his finger. “I need to call off the search party.”

Whoops
! “Search party? Who’s all looking for me?”

“Just Julia and your mother,” he says, shoving his phone back into his pocket.

Reid looks up and smiles, and I finally pause to take a good look at him...Dear God, he looks amazing in his tux with a fresh haircut and clean shave.

“Reid, you look so handsome,” I say, trying not to cry. It’s still hard sometimes to look at him and not picture Abbott, especially today.

Over the past twelve years, Reid has become a constant in our lives. The first few months were a little rough. There was a lot of resentment. Time lost that could never be reclaimed. But, he forgave me, and true to his word became a beacon in our lives. He has taken our son to all of his sports practices and has never missed a single game. He’s also been at every one of Tillie’s dance recitals, and today...today, he will give her away.

“Blake’s a good guy,” he says, trying to offer me some reassurance. “She’s going to be just fine. You know I wouldn’t support this if I didn’t truly believe that, Viv.”

I bite my bottom lip and nod, feeling my chest tighten. Then, shaking my head, I whisper, “But, Reid, she’s my
baby
.” I try so hard to fight back the tears, but there is just no stopping them. “He should be here. Today is hard. It’s so hard,” I sob. “Abbott should be here.”

“Shh, come here,” he says, pulling me into his chest. “I know, Viv. I know it’s hard.” I snuggle into his familiar embrace and allow him to comfort me. It’s a position I’ve found myself in many times over the years, and I don’t know where I would be without my family today. They can never replace Abbott, but for me, there is no greater therapy than love.

“Thank you, Reid,” I utter between sobs. “Thank you for doing this. For...for being here for my kids. Thank you for just...just everything. Your friendship. God, Reid, you and Julia. I don’t know where I would be without you.”

“You’d be just fine, Viv.” With his thumbs, Reid wipes away smeared mascara from beneath my eyes. “You’re stronger than you think, and you are one hell of a mother. You would’ve been just fine. But thank you for sharing them with us. Thank you for allowing me to love them.”

Our secret is one we will take to the grave. Some truths are better left uncovered. Instead of tearing us apart, it has created an unwavering bond. We are family, in every sense of the word. Reid is one of the strongest people I have ever known. It couldn’t have been easy letting AJ go, but since the day he learned the truth, Reid has never again referred to him as his own. It’s better this way. One slip up would blow all of our lives apart, but I know that it must still lie heavily on his heart.

Reid laces his arm through mine. “Ready?” he asks with a tearful smile.

I close my eyes and inhale deeply. “As I’ll ever be,” I say, opening my eyes and meeting his with a smile. “Lead the way.”

When we reach the entrance, I feel Reid’s body vibrate with silent laughter. “Did she have to go there with the pink runner?” he whispers out of the corner of his mouth.

I look down at the hot pink runner in place of the traditional white and grin. “Is that a serious question?”

“Nah,” he answers, shaking his head, “I guess not.”

He walks me down the aisle to my seat in the front pew where AJ, Momma, and Julia are already seated. Before he walks away, Reid whispers with a slight catch in his voice, “We’ve got this.”

And in this moment, I realize that I’m not the only one feeling emotional today. Of course he’s a little choked up. He is the closest living thing that girl has to a father. “I love you, Reid,” I whisper back. “It’s hard not having him here today, but we are so lucky to have you.”

“Thank you,” Reid says, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. Then, he turns around and leaves the way we came. The next time that I see him, he will be handing my daughter over to another man.

My eyes wander, admiring the beauty that surrounds us. It’s a fairytale brought to life, my little girl’s every dream come true. Pink and white roses fill every surface of the room. They drip from the ceiling and line every doorway and pew. The air is floral scented and the ambiance so serene.

The organ music begins, and every head turns toward the back of the church. The double doors swing open, and little Amelia steps through. She’s pretty in pink and looks so much older than her twelve years.
It seems like Tillie was this age only yesterday.
She’s met by her groomsman midway down the aisle where they lace arms and continue down to the altar together. Korie is next, followed by Sierra. Then comes Cassie, her matron of honor, and my girl is crying before she even makes it through the doorway. She’s the most beautiful disaster of a bridesmaid I’ve ever seen.

It’s not like I didn’t know it before today, but it touches my heart to see how loved my baby girl is.

Sierra’s daughter, Riley, is the flower girl, and just like her momma, she’s a little pistol. She flat out refuses to hold the little boy’s hand. Riley takes off, walking without him, tossing her pink petals and smiling like she’s in a Miss America pageant while poor little Owen crosses his arms on his chest and follows behind her, pouting the entire way, giving us all a good laugh. When they’ve finally reached the front of the room, the doors at the back of the church shut. The music stops, and the room goes completely silent in anticipation.

Here she comes.

When the first note of the wedding march is played, I reach out for AJ’s hand. Together, we rise, and holding onto my son, who is now taller than me, I watch my beautiful princess escorted by Prince Reid, as they make their way down the aisle. And, my God, she is the most beautiful bride there ever was. Her long, blonde hair lays in ringlets down her back, topped with an exquisite tiara. The skirt of her dress is compiled of layers upon layers of tulle, and I can’t even breathe because of how beautiful she is right now. She is a real life Cinderella, and my little girl is finally getting her ball.

Her eyes meet mine from across the church. Words aren’t needed to convey what we both feel in our hearts. I nod, just barely, and she does the same.