Waiting for Grace (11 page)

I sat at the bus stop in the dark. The only illumination came from the street lights, and I cried silently as I willed the bus to come and get me home safe. I swung my shoes gently in my hand and twitched my feet to numb the pain of high heels. Just as a massive sob escaped my chest, I looked up and Robert stood there.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

I sniffed, wiped my eyes, and looked away from him.

“What for? Taking me to that awful party?” I asked.

“That … and I should never have let you walk here alone. For what it’s worth, I followed you all the way.”

“I don’t care about that!” I wailed. “Your friends are idiots.”

He smiled and nodded. “The girls can be bitchy,” he said, sitting next to me.

“And that Charlie is a creep.”

He lowered his head. “Can be,” he said. “I just wanted you to like them all so much. I wanted you all to get on.”

I looked to him. “Why? Why does it matter? You have them to hang with and then we’ll have each other.”

“’Cause … I love you, Grace, and I want you with me all the time.”

“You what?” I sniffed.

“I love you.”

“You do?” I smiled through my tears.

“Do I ever.” He grinned, grabbing the back of my neck and pulling me into an intense kiss. My head swam with emotion and my body was a wreck from the sobbing, but Robert’s mouth, his soft lips and his smell intoxicated me and I melted into him.

“I forgive you,” I said, pulling away.

“It was a bad night, but next time …”

“Oh no, once was enough.” He smiled and wiped my tears with his thumb.

“Okay, let’s forget about it tonight. Let’s get the bus into town and spend some money getting drunk in cheesy bars, sod this house party shit.”

I smiled and kissed him. “Yeah, come on then.”

So we crossed the road and rather than getting the bus home, we got the next bus into Blackpool town centre. We hopped off at the tower and grabbed some cash from the nearest machine, making our way to the cheesy tourist bars where we could get served. Robert ordered two vodkas and we laughed about the night, so far. I told him what the girls said and he said they were jealous because they were all sheep, and I was quirky. When I told him about Charlie he was fuming, and I thought at one point we would be heading back to his house for a fight. The vodkas kept coming and then the shots started. We went from one cheesy bar to the next and before we knew it we were dancing on podiums and ordering cocktails. God knows how much we spent, but the buses were definitely no longer running and so it looked like it would be a taxi home.

As we jumped around, dancing, laughing, Robert suddenly took my face in his hands, looking down into my eyes, his clear blue eyes so serious.

“Grace, I do love you so much …”

I smiled up at him. “Robert, you …”

“Honestly, Grace, I’ve never felt this way about anyone. It’s like you’re my best friend and my girlfriend. You make me laugh; you make me so happy.” He kissed me so hard that I almost dropped my drink. I clung to him with my free hand and kissed him back. Our tongues intertwined and I could feel him pulling me even closer. I hadn’t really wondered if I loved Robert. All I knew was that he was all I wanted in my life and that without him everything was grey. I had been average. My life had been dull and now with Robert there it just felt … extraordinary. If that wasn’t love then I didn’t know what was.

After that, we left the club and caught a taxi home. Robert was staying with me but tonight felt very different. Our emotions were heightened, we were drunk, and he had told me he loved me. We kissed the whole way home. When we reached my crumbling house, we paid the taxi and then entered with hushed tones. I decided I needed a drink and so we got pints of cordial, shared the last cigarette in our packet, and sat on the orangery step staring up at the stars.

“Why haven’t you ever tried to sleep with me?” I asked him. My drunken state allowed me to be honest.

“What?”

“Well, you know. We always stop and don’t do it.” I suddenly felt embarrassed.

“Well it’s not that I don’t want to if that’s what you think, but I didn’t want you to think that’s all I wanted.”

“Oh,” I said, looking down, inhaling on the cigarette.

“Do you want to?” he asked, moving my hair off my shoulder and kissing my neck.

I groaned a little and laughed. “Yes.”

“You do?” he teased, kissing me more.

“Mmhmm.”

“Tonight?” he asked. “But we’re drunk … it should be special.”

“It will be special,” I said, turning into him to kiss him on the mouth.

“Grace,” he breathed.

“Yes?”

“Upstairs. Now.” He took the cigarette, stubbed it out, and pulled me up into his arms, kissing me more deeply and with purpose. I grabbed my cordial, locked up, and we held hands as we crept quietly up the stairs into my room. Mum wouldn’t hear a thing after a night on the sauce, but it was always better to be safe than sorry.

When we got to my room we kissed each other crazily. It was the vodka and the shots making everything so urgent. I turned my lamp on and the main light off. Robert walked up behind me and kissed my neck softly, brushing my hair away. I groaned. God, he made me feel so good. I turned into his kiss and he pulled me to him. I could feel his excitement through his jeans. I pulled back a little and unzipped my dress, dropping it to the floor in front of him. His eyes were wide and his smile was delicious, so I kissed him again. He pushed me back onto the bed and began easing my bra straps down my arms, exposing me to him. We had been naked in bed together before so this was nothing new, but tonight, with the confidence from the alcohol, this was going to be something different.

I turned into his body as he lay beside me, still kissing whilst his hands roamed all over my body. They began moving further down. I gasped as he snaked his hand into my underwear and he kissed me harder. He obviously loved my reaction. I didn’t want this to be all and I didn’t want him to change his mind, so I started to pull at his t-shirt and he yanked it off. Then I unbuttoned his jeans and he eased them down.

“Are you sure about this?” he said breathlessly, staring into my eyes. At that moment I hoped he would never look away.

“Yes,” I sighed. “I’ve been ready since the moment we met.”

He smiled at me and began kissing me again. He unhooked my bra and flung it onto the floor whilst I eased my underwear down. He laid on top of me.

“Wait,” he said. “I’ll just get my wallet.”

“I’ve got some here,” I said shyly, rolling to open the drawer of my bed side table.

“Really?” he teased. “Very prepared.” He tickled me as I rolled back to him and then kissed me softly on the lips. “No one has ever meant this much to me, Grace. God, tonight has been the best night of my life.”

“And it’s going to get better.” I smirked, reaching into his boxer shorts and taking him in my hands.

He groaned and kissed me again. Then I inched his shorts down his legs. He pushed them all the way and kicked them off, putting on the condom. He then settled himself between my legs, kissing me again as he eased inside of me. At first it hurt as I hadn’t had sex for a long time and even then it had been fleeting, but once we found our rhythm, it was amazing. He kissed me manically and held me to him as we moved together. It felt incredible being so close to him, I was so emotional that I could have cried, but perhaps that was the alcohol. I breathed in his scent and kissed his neck as he rocked into me. It couldn’t have been a more perfect night, and Robert just being here in this room, in my desolate, abandoned wasteland seemed to make everything okay. I clung to him as I came and he followed shortly after, falling onto me, whispering in my ear how much he loved me. Despite the amount of alcohol consumed, as he disposed of the condom and I crept to the bathroom, I suddenly felt very sober.             

When I got back to my room he was lying on his back in my bed and in the light of the small lamp I had in my room, he looked mouth watering. His blonde hair was now sexed up and his face set with a satisfied smile. He reached out for me, and I slid in the bed next to him. He wrapped his strong arms around me and held me to his chest.

“That was amazing,” he said.

“Hmmm,” I agreed, lazily. “It was.”

“You better never leave me Grace Cooper,” he whispered in my ear, “because I don’t think I could ever live without you.”

I smiled and kissed him. “I’m not going anywhere,” I said, snuggling into him and closing my eyes as he reached to turn the lamp out.

Twelve

Now

Cecily and Robert

“Who the fuck was that?” Cecily screamed as Robert dragged her out of Grace’s building and into the cool night air.

“Shush,” Robert barked.

“No! I won’t shush, you bastard. Why the hell are you at a woman’s apartment in scumsville, running around behind my back?”

“Cecily, we need to talk, but not here, come on!” He took her arm and she shrugged him away.

“Yes, here Robert. What the fuck? Don’t treat me like a child. I deserve to know what the hell is going on here.”

He approached her and stood in front of her, his hands on her arms, trying to soothe her. “Nothing is going on Cecily, okay?” he said softly. “She is an old friend, and I should have told you that I was coming here.”

“It’s more than that, Robert, don’t think I’m stupid. These past few weeks you’ve been different and she …” Cecily barked, pointing back inside, “is the reason!”

“Come on.” He put his arm around her. “Let’s go home and I’ll tell you all about it.”

They drove home in a convoy. Cecily drove behind Robert all the way in her matching BMW, but in red. Cecily gave into her emotions cocooned in her car. She didn’t cry in front of other people, that would be a weakness, but here, in her car, and the dark night setting in, she could remain unseen, and so she let it engulf her. She sobbed and screamed and let her anger out. She would be calm when she faced Robert again at home, and she would get to the bottom of this. There was no reason for things to change between them. She loved him, desperately, but she wanted an explanation, and she didn’t want him seeing old friends that looked like that woman.

Cecily was sophisticated, every part of her coiffed, manicured, carefully chosen and put together. She was designed by other people to look good, and she took advice from the experts who did her hair, her make up and chose her clothes. However, this woman, the one Robert was laughing with when he pulled the door open, she was something else. Cecily had been brought up in the most bitchy, competitive, and exclusive city in the world, New York. She was a product that her parents showcased and she knew how to fight. However, this woman, Cecily knew, didn’t have to try. This woman had her own style, her own beauty that shone through from somewhere that didn’t need to be designed. Cecily was worried. She hadn’t known normal until she met Robert, and she definitely wouldn’t give that up without a fight. Despite his protests, Cecily knew, she had known enough of infidelity and lies throughout her life to see that Robert had been distracted whilst she was away recently, visiting her parents in New York. This other woman was the reason.

Robert took deep breaths as he drove home and prepared for what would happen when they got back to their home. Cecily was fuming. He could tell that she would not accept what he was about to tell her. She may have accepted a child and an ex girlfriend if he had gone to her straight away, but after her having to follow him to be told, she would be furious. She would consider that he had embarrassed her by excluding her and would think that he had dismissed their relationship and belittled her in front of Grace. Of course she would be right. He should have told Grace. He wanted to tell her and he should have made Cecily a part of meeting his daughter because she was going to be his wife. However, he didn’t want to. From the moment he knew where Grace was Cecily was the furthest thing from his mind.

Two weeks ago when Owen rang for a casual chat about the football results and their next joint trip home, Cecily was definitely not on his mind. Owen didn’t remember the pain that Robert felt after he lost Grace, or the weeks and months of recovery, and so at 10 pm on a Wednesday night, he had no idea what he was telling him.

“Oh, by the way, I saw that girl you used to go out with today, Grace Cooper. She looks good,” Owen sighed. Robert froze. “Right, I’ll see ya next week then one night.”

“What?” Robert barked. “Wait, what?”

“What? Grace, yeah I saw her.”

“Owen, where? Where did you see her? Jesus, you’re only just telling me this? When?”

“Tonight. I saw her earlier. She was working at this American diner place in Leicester Square. Good burgers.”

“Shit, Owen. What is it called? Shit, you saw Grace?”

After that conversation Robert couldn’t sleep, couldn’t think. His head was scrambled. He’d spent seven years looking at every brown-haired girl in London, hoping to see her, to bump into her. He had almost given up hope. So the very next morning he was up with the dawn. He rang work to say he had a car emergency and he found the diner. He asked for Grace as soon as he got there, and they told him she would be in at 10. He couldn’t leave. He wouldn’t dare step away from that place just in case it was all a dream. He wasn’t thinking of Cecily or his responsibilities at work. Nothing mattered except laying his eyes on Grace. Then when she walked in, he watched her from behind. Her hair was so much darker than when he knew her, piled on top of her head. He could tell it was she straight away by her walk and her demeanour. He watched her speak to her colleague and his body ached to jump up and grab her. Yes, Cecily was his fiancée, he loved her, she had saved him from being alone, and she deserved better, but there was a damn good reason why he hadn’t told Grace about her. He didn’t tell her because from the moment she turned to face him in that diner and her eyes met his, the only thing that Robert wanted was to rewind, to go back seven years and make everything right. He’d tried to live without her and it was miserable. He still loved Grace.
    

They walked inside and Robert could tell that Cecily had been crying, but they did not discuss that.

“Spill!” Cecily shouted as she grabbed a bottle of wine from the fridge and poured herself a glass.

“Right.” Robert took a deep breath. “I think you should sit down.”

“Why?” She gulped her wine. “If it’s bad news I’m not going to fall to the floor like some 19
th
century wench. I’ll take whatever you’re going to throw at me, Robert. So get a fucking move on.”

“Okay, well, Grace …”

“Grace,” she scoffed.

“Grace,” he started again, “was my girlfriend from home, from when we were teenagers.” He watched Cecily for a reaction.

“What?” Cecily asked. Outwardly she was calm, but inside her head the alarm bells were ringing. She knew this story and she knew Robert had still been a mess about this very girl when she met him. Shit. This was going to be a tough competition. “The girl who broke your heart into a million pieces and left you a decrepit wreck for me to rescue? Oh, just great, Robert. I can see why you thought running around with her behind my back was a great idea.”

“Look, Cecily. I haven’t done anything wrong. Yes, I should have told you.”

“Damn straight you should,” she said, taking a gulp of wine.

“Nothing has happened at all, but I was at her house because there is something a little more complicated about the whole thing.”

“Oh really, well do spit it out, Robert, as I’m all kinds of pissed off right now. So fuel the fire why don’t you!”

“She has a daughter who is six. She’s mine,” he blurted out.

Cecily almost choked on another chug of wine. “You must be fucking joking me. Oh shit, Robert. I won’t be a stepmother. How do you know she’s yours? Have you had a DNA test? Of course not, you’re so gullible.”

“There is no getting away from it Cecily. She’s mine. I can tell by looking at her. Grace wouldn’t lie about this.”

“Oh yes, she sounds just perfect. Of course Mother Theresa wouldn’t lie.”

“Cecily, we need to find a way to deal with this.”

This sounded promising. Cecily was gearing up to fight for him, but he was including her in his plans, finally.

“Robert, I shouldn’t be finding this out now after following you to her house!” she spat.

“I know, and for that, I’m sorry. Cecily you need to think if you can handle this as you are going to be a step-mother, and I will be having Devon and Grace in my life.”

“Devon! Oh Jesus, so original.” She rolled her eyes.

“Stop being a child, Cecily. I think you need time to process this. To be honest, I know I’ve gone about things the wrong way, but Devon and Grace have done nothing wrong. It’s me who’s been a prick, so stop taking it out on them.”

“Oh, go fuck yourself, Robert. You land a surprise ex and a kid on my lap and expect me to be all ‘ooo show me some pictures.’ Get a grip. You’re damn right I need to think about this because I’m not sure this is what I had in mind for my future. A step-child and an ex that will never leave?”

“Okay,” he said as he held his hands up. “You’re right, this is a shock, and I’m not being fair, but,” he moved to her and took her in his arms, “you’re such a little fighter, it’s hard not to be defensive when you shout at me.”

“I sure am a fighter,” Cecily said, allowing Robert to hold her. “And I don’t do anything I don’t want to do. So we’ll see how we get on and you’ll include me in everything from now on?” She looked up to him sweetly and smiled to cover her fears. Shouting at him and making him feel insecure was her usual technique to keep him in line, but tonight she was worried it wasn’t working.

“Of course,” Robert said, kissing her head, thinking that he would only include her when he had to. First thing tomorrow he wanted to make things right with Grace. He wanted to make it right with her right now and not have to pander to Cecily’s whim, but he owed Cecily and she wasn’t a bad person. Shit, this was one huge mess and how the hell was he going to sort it out?

Grace

Grace, I think we need to talk.

The text came the following morning just as I woke up around 7 am. I had managed to forget the night before in my dreams, but today it was real again. Robert had a fiancée. She came to our home. She was absolutely livid, and I hadn’t heard anything from him since I left them in the foyer of our building. I had no words and wasn’t sure what to respond. Robert was right; we did need to talk, as this didn’t change anything. He was still Devon’s dad, and now he was in her life. She would want to see him and vice versa. I had spent the evening running over the event with Maria and
felt increasingly foolish.

Robert didn’t once try to kiss me or tell me he cared for me or even ask me out on a date. I had felt something seeing him, and a lot of it was memories he had ignited. Seeing someone you used to love will always do that to you. He didn’t tell me he was engaged, but did he have to? I would have told him, but then he must have considered it not to be important.

I jumped into the shower and went to wake the kids as Maria ran into the bathroom. When I went back into my room twenty minutes later to dress, I glanced at the phone again and there was another text.

I’m sorry, I’ve fucked everything up, please let’s just talk.

God he was being dramatic. Of course I was shocked and upset, but only because he was my ex, my one true love, and the thought of him with anyone would drive me mad. Now I had had some time. I was sure I could handle it, and after all, how could I expect him to still be single? I grabbed the phone.

No explanation necessary, I’m glad you have found someone but I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t tell me for whatever reason. This changes nothing, you are still Devon’s dad and I hope you still want to be a part of her life.

I set the phone down and dressed, and then another message beeped through.

Of course I want to be a part of her life, that goes without saying but I do owe you an explanation as this isn’t just about Devon and you know it. When can we meet?

I re-read the message and my heart began to beat rapidly and my stomach flipped. What did he mean? God, what was I getting myself into?

Will your fiancée be OK with that
? I asked, sarcastically.

Right at this moment Grace I don’t care.

***

I took my break at 3. Robert met me outside. I didn’t want everyone at work talking again, and I was sure by my mood today they could tell that I wasn’t happy.

“Can you just walk out of work whenever you want?” I asked, as I saw him leaning against the wall when I met him outside. He smirked.

“I work long hours and have lots of meetings. This sort of thing is easy to lose in the noise.”

“Oh,” I said and we began to walk.

“Coffee and a cake?” he asked.

“Coffee,” I said. “No cake.”

He agreed.

We found a nearby café and sat in the window. I ordered a cappuccino, and Robert ordered a skinny Latte and a chocolate muffin, which seemed a bit of an oxymoron.

“Grace,” he began as we both nursed our drinks.

“Robert, let me say you owe me nothing, okay? I don’t expect anything to happen between us, and I’m glad you have found someone that you are happy with because we both deserve a happy ever after.” He looked at me when I finished and I could see the hurt in his eyes.

“Grace, I know nothing had happened between us, but I didn’t tell you for a reason.”

“Oh?” I asked.

“Because,” he took a deep breath, “because when I saw you two weeks ago it fulfilled every fantasy that I had ever had over the last seven years of seeing you again. You took my breath away, and the way you looked at me I know you felt it, too. Jesus, Grace. All these years I’ve felt your loss like a death in my family and to see you again, it made me feel alive.”