Waiting for Grace (3 page)

“Sixteen,” I said.

“Me too. Last year at high school?”

“Yeah.”

“Which one?” he asked.

“Baines,” I said, “You?”

“Arnold,” he sighed, expecting my reply.

“Ooo private school, very posh,” he shook his head and laughed.

We walked back to my favourite street, and Robert and I chatted easily until we reached one of the larger houses.

“Well this is me,” he sighed.

“Okay.” I nodded. “Well, see you around.”

“I hope so,” he said. “I could walk you home if you like?”

I shook my head, “I think I’ll be fine.” I laughed. “I walk this route all the time.”

“Well, in that case, I’ll keep my eye out for you.” He winked and I laughed a little, shaking my head.

“Bye,” I said and then waved as Jess and I made our way home. I plugged my music back in and giggled to myself; it had been strange and exciting to meet a boy on our secret playground. There was something about Robert that was different from all the other idiots that asked me out from school. He was different, funny, friendly, and he didn’t know me. He didn’t know the sad, sorry tale of Grace Amelia Cooper.

God, I hoped I would meet him again. I hugged myself inwardly on the way home and smirked. Even if I didn’t see him again, encounters like this were what I wanted to fill my life with, exciting and spontaneous, the moments that made me feel alive.

Four

Now

The night I saw Owen, Maria and I had laughed about our teenage years, together and apart. We had finished the bottle of wine and planned a trip to take the kids out the following weekend. I worked Saturdays but was always off Sundays and Tuesdays. The week continued to be dismal, but we wanted to have something to look forward to, and so decided to take the kids to a theme park. It was Thursday, and we were getting closer to the weekend. Tomorrow would be take away night, and the kids would stay up later with us. We would all watch a film like Toy Story or Monsters Inc., one that never got old. I had walked the kids to school; they were excited today as there was going to be a talk at school by a man from a reptile park. I personally couldn’t think of anything worse than handling snakes and iguanas, but they both couldn’t wait.

After dropping them off, I plugged my MP3 player in and strolled to the bus stop. I started work at ten and so had just enough time to make my connection. I sat on the bus and replayed the conversation with Owen in my mind again and again. We had said so little, but I wondered what he could read into from those few words. Maybe he wouldn’t even tell Robert, maybe it would never come up in conversation, “Oh I saw your ex,” he might mention in passing when meeting up at Christmas, who knew?

It had been seven years since I had seen Robert. We had screamed at each other at the train station in London. He wanted to go home, and I couldn’t think of anything worse. He said some things that day that I’ll never forget, things that I never thought he could say, and I’m sure I gave him a few poisonous memories to replay on the train home. I bet he hardly thought of me now, but how could I not remember him every day when I looked at our daughter? Devon was the spitting image of her father, and it hurt that he didn’t know how amazing she was.

The bus approached my stop for work, and I wondered when I would stop reliving my brief encounter with Owen. I pulled my coat up to block out the chills and made my way to Groucher’s. I loved the familiarity of my job, and it drew the tourists in which meant good tips, especially from the Americans. I pushed through the door and made my way to the kitchen; it was quieter than yesterday. I knew it would soon fill up and mentally I planned what I would have for lunch today and what time I would get a break. Then, as I put my hand forward to push the door open, Lyndsey jumped in front of me.

She was probably my closest friend at work. She had worked there almost a year and she liked the early shifts and me the late, so we got on well.

“Erm … Grace,” she whispered under her breath, “You have a visitor, he’s been here since like eight, drunk shit loads of coffee and, oh God, he’s seen you. He’s coming over.” I digested the information and turned to see the figure stand up from a booth in the window. The low-lying sunshine silhouetted him, and I couldn’t see his face, but I knew who it was instantly. He made his way to me, and I just stood in front of the kitchen door, too stunned to move, like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Grace,” he said as he made his way swiftly to face me. “Hi.” He smiled down at me as I looked into his eyes, dumbfounded.

“Robert,” I breathed. “Erm …” I looked at Lyndsey who was drinking in the whole encounter, eyes wide. I smiled at her tightly and then threw my coat and bag at her. “Please, would you put these in the staff room?” I urged her. She nodded and left.

“Grace,” he said again, stepping closer to me. “It is you!”

“Of course.” I laughed nervously.

“You look so different, your hair it’s so … dark.” I ran my hand through my hair and smiled.

“It’s been a while,” I said.

“I know,” he looked down, his eyes not leaving mine, “I just wanted to see you. Owen said he’d seen you, and I just wanted to … come see you, too.”

I nodded but was at a loss for words.

“How have you been?” he asked. I looked around for prying eyes and took his arm leading him back to his booth. The feel of his arm and the ease of our movement made my heart flip. He sat down, and I sat across from him.

“So how have you been?” he asked again when we were seated.

“Great.” I smiled at him. “I’ve always been fine.”

“I’m so glad, after that day that I left … I’ve always hoped you were okay, always wondered where you were.”

“So you drove all the way here?” I laughed and continued, “From Poulton, to check on me?”

“No,” he shook his head, “I’ve been in London for years, always hoping I’d bump into you one day and bloody Owen does it.” He shook his head. “Boy gets all the luck.” We both smiled at each other affectionately; the thought of his family made me warm inside. I continued to watch him but was conscious where we were.

“Look, I’ve got to get to work,” I said remembering myself, and curbing my emotions before they seeped onto the table between us.

“Yes,” he jumped up, “I shouldn’t keep you, as I said, I just wanted to check in.” He looked at me solemnly.

“Look, I finish at six and perhaps …”

“Yes,” he nodded.

I smiled, “A drink?”

“Or dinner?” he said. “A catch up?”

“Long overdue.” I nodded.

“I’d love to.” He smiled; it spread over his face into a grin. I was captivated by his face; the face that had surprised me in long grass all those years ago. His face was more rugged. He had laughter lines these days and he had filled out a bit, but those blue eyes still shone through. I nodded and watched as he left, I sighed and Lyndsey appeared at my side.

“Damn, that looked intense.”

“Yep.” I nodded.

“He likes you a lot!” She emphasised the last part and nodded manically grinning.

“Well, I have some stuff to tell him later that he might not like at all,” I said, and she gasped.

“Oh, Grace, your life’s like a bloody roller coaster. I love it!” She laughed. I felt dizzy from his presence and giddy like he had always made me feel as a teenager. Suddenly, that fight, those words, they were all forgotten. His smile erased it all and his words played over and over again in my head. I never meant to keep Devon a secret. I never meant to not contact him again but things happened. Words were spoken that kept me from doing the right and reasonable thing. Time passed and the opportunity to own up and speak the truth was missed. I could have told him so many times; I could have written, phoned, visited, but I chose to disappear instead. I believed the things he said and desperately tried to move on and let him live his life without me dragging him down. I thought I was doing the right thing
, but with the eyes of a twenty-four year old woman, I now knew that missing out on your daughter’s life is unforgivable no matter what.

***

At three, I was able to take my break and I walked to the corner shop to get a drink and some chocolate. I didn’t have much of an appetite for lunch because I was nervous about the evening ahead. It had been so long since I had seen Robert that our plans later still seemed like a dream. I had texted Maria and asked if she would mind me going out after work. She always picked the kids up from their after school club, anyway. They had usually done their homework by the time she got there and so she would just get them home, give them tea, and I would either get home for us to eat with the kids or we would eat later. Our routine was rarely interrupted and so she knew something was unusual.

Her return text said it all: Of course, no problems, call me on your break, what’s going on? I have no meetings this afternoon x

I decided to get my snack first and then call her to explain when I had relaxed somewhere. As I strode to the corner shop in the bleak weather, I couldn’t believe how far I had come. I was a London native; I lived in the big city and was exposed daily to the sights and sounds of city life. I hardly noticed these days, but it was far cry from the small town upbringing I had endured. I was a faceless name in this sea of people, but the rush of living here and of my independence still surged inside me. I was so much different from the girl who arrived here seven years ago with a dream and an idealistic view of life. Then again, nowhere else on Earth made me feel so alive and so together. I smiled as I walked towards the shop and gained some confidence to see Robert.

The day he left, the day we went our separate ways, played in my mind over and over again. I had loved him so hard and so strong that I had never, until that moment, had to face living without him. Watching him walk away tore me in two. Part of me left with him. My life hadn’t been terrible, it hadn’t been without money and my father’s garage still churned out an income for my mother, but it was without emotional connection and without love. Robert filled that void for me, and so opened a hole that needed to be filled where it never had before. Thank God for Devon, Maria, and Max as they helped me feel whole and normal after feeling dead inside when Robert left.

Today I would try to explain; today I would try to make him understand. I didn’t know the day that he left that I was pregnant or for another three months, but there it was. I was having our baby, and it was definitely not in my plans. I wanted to stay here, I wanted us both to stay in London and never go back to that town where I couldn’t make memories like I could in the big city. I was a dreamer and I wanted to live a cosmopolitan life and find my sister. I didn’t want to stay there and live an ordinary existence like everyone else. I wanted my freedom, I wanted the life I should have lived, surrounded by people who cared about me, but Robert just wanted his family. It was understandable, but they weren’t mine.

After three months apart and words that were hard to swallow, I couldn’t tell him, I was too proud. This was my burden, my cross to bear, and I didn’t want to interrupt his promising life with an unplanned teenage pregnancy. I struggled financially before I found out I was pregnant, a teenage girl alone in the big city and the day I found out I sat crying in the waiting room, wondering how I would cope. Then I met Jackie, and ultimately Maria who helped me. Still, the weight of my decision never became apparent until I fell deeply in love with my daughter. The years have shown me every little miracle that he has missed out on and as I have grown older and wiser, it has allowed me to see that this was never my decision to make. I should have told him. I should have made him aware. I could have stayed in London, but he should have known. I know that now, but over the years I have never been brave enough to face the music even though Devon has asked, and I have provided stories and pictures. I couldn’t face what I had to do.

Robert was here. I had to tell him and I felt ashamed. I wanted us to catch up and giggle like teenagers, stare into each other’s eyes and smile goofily whilst we recalled our awesome times together. That wasn’t going to happen because once I told him about beautiful Devon everything would be ruined.

***

I picked my mobile out of my pocket, ripped the wrapper off my chocolate bar, and called Maria on my walk back to the diner. “Hi,” she said.

“Hi,” I sighed.

“What’s going on, then?” she asked. “You sound upset.”

“Well, I just went from hero to zero in five minutes, happy and then sad, I’m going mad.”

“What? Slow down, what are you talking about?” she asked. “Deep breaths, has this got something to do with Owen and Robert?”

“Bingo,” I said. “Robert was here.”

“What?” she gasped, “He turned up at work?” 

“Yep.” I nodded and took a seat on the bench outside of the diner. “I came in this morning and he was waiting for me.”

“Wow, I … what did he say?”

“He lives here,” I whispered, conscious that people moved around me as I poured my heart out through the phone. “He’s been in London for years and when Owen told him he saw me he just … turned up.”

“She was speechless. We stayed in silence for a second. “Do you think he still loves you?” she asked.

“No, no.” I shook my head, “He’s probably happily married.”

“Happily married men don’t trace ex girlfriends and take them out after work.”

“Hey, I didn’t say I was going out with him.”

“Oh, who are you going out with then?” she asked sarcastically.

“Him,” I whispered. “I must be mad … it’s gonna be awful. I’ll tell him about Devon and he’ll shout at me and …” tears filled my eyes and I continued, “… he’s gonna hate me, and I don’t think I can live with that.”

“Grace, come on, we’ve been through this so many times. You were a girl, a kid, hell, we both were. We made decisions that were right for us at the time and not anyone else. We didn’t know how to think about anyone else till we had those kids.”

I sighed, “I lost him once and seeing him today reminded me how much that killed me.” I shook my head.

“Grace, one step at a time. If he’s any sort of decent human being he’ll understand and if he’s a decent man he’ll want to be a part of his little girl’s life. You won’t lose him, but you might be stuck with him forever.”

“Maria, I’m not ready for this. I thought I’d have time to make a plan and choose my words.”

“Don’t pretend you haven’t run this scenario through your head a million times.” She laughed. “Just do it quick, rip it off like a plaster.”