Waiting for Lila (13 page)

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In the suite Delilah packed her bags with automatic movements. She had turned off her brain. She had turned off her emotions.

By the time her friends reached the suite, Delilah had the telephone in her hand and was checking with the airport to see when the next flight to Texas was leaving.

Her four friends quietly filed into the sitting room. Jack looked worried. Addie, after a moment of examining Delilah's face, had tears in her eyes. Booger kept his arm around Addie, comforting her for the unexplainable tears as he studied Delilah.

"He wasn't just another candidate, was he?" Glory asked quietly.

"He's such a wonderful man," Addie burst out. "That speech—" She broke off and cleared her throat.

"I have to admit it choked me up too," Booger said. "I really admire him."

Delilah closed her eyes. "You've just stated the problem." She opened her eyes. "Good Lord, think about it. Can any of you really picture me with a man like that? Jack? Booger? Come on, somebody tell me I'm the kind of woman he needs. Tell me you can see me at his side doing all those good things."

They all looked uncomfortable, which was the only answer Delilah had expected.

Then Glory said, "I can."

Delilah met her eyes. "You're lying. You're my friend and you want to believe I could make it with a man like Bill, but in your heart you know I'm all wrong for him."

"You can be anything you want to be, Dee," Glory said urgently. "And Bill doesn't seem to think you're the wrong woman for him."

Delilah sighed. "Bill hasn't looked into the future and seen what I've seen." She paused, staring down at her hands. "I've never told any of you about my life before I joined the rest of you. Those people . . . those people he helps, I was one of them. It was bad enough when my family was alive. Then I was alone, and it was even worse."

Lifting her chin in determination, she said, "There are only two things in life that scare me. One is poverty. You all heard what he said down there. He's chosen to live in poverty. He's free to do that. And I'm free to choose not to." She shook her head and whispered, "I can't go back to that. I can't see it all around me and not relive every second of it."

Silence fell heavily over them, then suddenly Booger said, "And the other thing?"

Everyone turned to stare at him. "What?" Delilah asked, frowning in confusion.

"You said there were two things that scare you," he said, his voice as calm and objective as always. "One is poverty. What's the other?"

Without realizing it, Booger had hit upon the key to why she had panicked, why she knew she had to leave. Closing her eyes, Delilah felt once more the emotions that had swept through her when she had listened to Bill's speech. She had had a tremendous, glowing surge of pride. And with It had come the treasonous thought that financial security didn't matter. She wanted Bill anyway.

What she had felt for Bill at that moment came very close to love. And that scared the hell out of her.

She opened her eyes and looked at Booger. "Love," she said hoarsely. "Love and poverty."

"And with Bill you would have both," Glory said, looking tired and sad. Sad for Delilah.

Delilah shook her head wildly. She wanted to deny it. She wanted to scream that she didn't love him. She couldn't possibly love him. But the words wouldn't come.

When they heard a knock on the door, Delilah knew who was there, but she didn't move. She stood by the window, looking at the bay as Addie opened the door.

"Hi, Addie," Bill said. "Lila was supposed to meet me In my room. Have you—"

He broke off and walked into the room, stopping short when he saw Delilah's bags. "Lila?"

After a moment of tense silence the group began moving out of the suite, then the door closed softly behind them.

Bill walked closer to where Delilah stood and said again, "Lila?"

This time she could hear the fear in his voice. She couldn't let it get to her. She had to pull this off. For him. For her.

Standing up straighter, she smiled slightly. "I didn't ever tell you why I came to Acapulco early, did I? I came to see the group, of course, but I also came to find a husband," she said, keeping her voice calm and steady. "The group decided to help by having a scavenger hunt to find a rich doctor for me." She met his eyes. "You were my rich doctor. Bill. Don't you see how funny that is?" Her voice broke on the last word, and she paused to regain control. "Why didn't you tell me? You mentioned working in the slums, but I thought it was the pro bono work that we all do. Why didn't you tell me about the clinic?"

He ran an unsteady hand through his hair. "I don't know," he murmured, shaking his head. "I guess I didn't think it was important. There was so much more we had to talk about."

"You didn't think it was important?" Her voice was angry and incredulous. "When you knew how I felt about being poor?"

"I didn't know. You never said— You said you wanted to be secure."

"What in hell do you think security is?" she asked, her eyes wide and angry.

A strange smile twitched across his lips, then died. "Not money," he said softly. "Not to me."

"It is to me," she said, forcing the words through tight lips. "It is to me."

There was no expression on his face now, but something told Delilah he was staying upright by sheer force of will. She drew in several deep breaths, fighting her need to hold him.

She swung away from him abruptly. "Will you stop looking at me with those damned stray-dog eyes?" she told him. "Just leave. Bill. You're a nice man. Find yourself a nice woman. One with no hangups, no horrors from the past for you to deal with. Find someone who can give you what you need, because I can't."

"You have me a little confused." His voice sounded strange, different. "Are you leaving because I don't make a lot of money or because I'm nice? Which is it. Lila?"

"It's— What difference— It's both," she got out finally. "You're too nice and too—"

"Nice," he said, spitting the word at her as he moved between her and the window, forcing her to look at him. "You keep saying that."

Suddenly his face changed, growing ugly with fury. He grabbed her roughly by the shoulders and moved her backward until she bumped into the couch, then he pressed her down with his body. "Would you stay with me if I were not so nice?" he asked, his voice harsh. "If that's what it takes, then to hell with nice."

He kissed her then. And for Delilah it was like walking through hell. There was no love in the kiss. There wasn't even passion. The grinding strength of his anger didn't hurt her, but the absence of his love broke her heart.

"Is this better, Delilah?" he said in a raspy voice. "Not quite so nice? Will you stay with me now?"

He stared down at her. Delilah didn't know what he saw in her face, but after a moment he closed his eyes tightly and pushed away from her. Rising to his feet, he turned and walked a few steps away, his shoulders sagging as though he were suddenly very weary.

With his back to her he said, "You've been engaged to half a dozen wealthy men. If money was all you needed, why didn't one of them work out? Why, Lila? I'll tell you why. Because you were looking for more. You needed more. And whether you admit it or not, you found what you needed with me. Two hours ago . . . two hours ago—" He broke off and inhaled slowly. "Now suddenly you're scared. But I don't think it's poverty that frightens you. I think you're afraid of being helpless. And that's also why you won't let yourself love."

He walked over to where she still sat on the couch and knelt beside her. "Someday, babe, you're going to figure out that the lack of money doesn't make you helpless unless you let it . . . and neither does love."

Delilah heard the words, but she couldn't take in their meaning. She was too confused. Too afraid. She was running for her life and couldn't think of anything except getting away from the pain. From Bill.

"You're hurting, Lila," he whispered softly. "I wish I could make it all better. But this time I can't. You have to work through this by yourself." He drew in a rough breath. "When you do, I'll be—"

"Don'tsay it,"she begged in desperation. "Don't wait for me. Bill. This is the end. It was a beautiful dream, but I'm a realist. Dreams fade," she said. "Reality is always there."

He stared at her for a moment, then his mouth twitched violently. "Yes, I guess you're right," he said wearily. "Reality doesn't go away."

He rose to his feet and walked to the door. When he had opened it he said, without turning to look at her, "Good-bye, Lila."

Then he walked out of the room.