Waiting for Perfect (17 page)

Finally, she
starts.
 
“I was downstairs playing
pool with Troy.
 
God, Kendra, I was
so happy to be hanging out with him.
 
He was totally flirting with me, and I thought he was finally starting
to like me.
 
I was so excited to
tell you, but I hadn’t seen you since we had gone to the bathroom
together.
 
I wanted to go look for
you, but I didn’t want to leave Troy.
 
I was having the best time.”
 
She smiles with the memory, and I can’t help but feel happy for her.

But her smile falls
as she continues.
 
“Then, Jeff came
running up to me.
 
He whispered in
my ear to get upstairs.
 
He said you
were in some kind of trouble.
 
I
dropped the pool stick and ran as fast as I could up that staircase.
 
Candace followed me.
 
When we got to the landing, I saw
Sebastian.
 
He had this look in his
eyes, like he was scared to tell us anything.
 
Then I saw Nick.
 
He had blood down his shirt and on his hands.
 
Kendra, I was freaking out.
 
I didn’t know what the hell had happened.”

I try to put myself
in her shoes.
 
I would have freaked
out too.

“Sebastian finally told
us that you were passed out naked on the bed and Ryan had been on top of
you.
 
He said Nick had fought him
off.
 
By the looks of it, Nick
nearly killed him.
 
When Ryan’s
friends dragged him out of the room, I thought he was dead.
 
His face was so bloody, and he couldn’t
even stand on his own.

“I went into the
bedroom to get you dressed.
 
You
were totally passed out.
 
It was
almost impossible to get your clothes on.
 
I was crying the whole time.
 
I could barely see what I was doing.
 
Nick carried you downstairs and got you
into my car.
 
He looked possessed,
Kendra.
 
His eyes were black.
 
I’ve never seen anybody look like that.

“When we woke up
that morning, I think I was still in shock.
 
I didn’t know if Ryan had raped you.
 
I didn’t even know if Ryan was still alive.
 
I had no idea what to say to you.
 
I just wanted to have a little more
time.
 
I wanted you to have a
little more time before you had your whole world crash down around you.”

My head snaps up to
meet her eyes.
 
“So you thought you
were protecting me?”

She shakes her
head.
 
“I was scared shitless,
Kendra.
 
I didn’t know what to
do.
 
I tried to tell you the next
day, but when I texted you, you never returned my messages.”

Tears start filling
my eyes.
 
“That’s because I was
with Candace at a clinic in Santa Ana, spreading my legs for some doctor I
didn’t even know to see if I had been raped!
 
Do you know how humiliating that was?”

She starts crying
harder, letting her eyes fall to the sand again.

We walk for a few
minutes to the sounds of kids playing and the quiet sniffles of our own falling
tears.
 
We are almost at the end of
the beach where the rocks jut out into the water.
 
Families are crawling over the rock pile, searching the tide
pools for little critters.

When we reach the
rocks, we both stop and look out over the ocean.
 
The breeze is blowing, and the spray from the waves washes
over us.

“It should have
been you there with me, Lex.
 
You’re my best friend.”

“You’re right.
 
It
should
have been me.
 
I messed up,
Kendra.
 
Big time.
 
I can’t change anything I did or didn’t
do, but you
have
to know I love
you.
 
I never wanted to hurt you.”

Her voice mixes in
with the crashing waves.
 
I stare
at the horizon where I can just make out a school of dolphins.
 
Their dorsal fins are cutting through
the water just beyond a line of surfers.
 
The sky is clear and bright blue, and the sun is shining on my
face.
 
I close my eyes to feel it
penetrate deeper.
 
The sound of the
waves and the feel of heat on my skin soothe me.
 
I breathe deeply, taking in the fresh, salty air.
 

Opening my eyes to
face her, I say, “I believe you.”

A quiet smile
touches her lips.
 
“Thank you.”

“And I forgive
you.
 
I don’t know what I would
have done if the roles had been reversed.
 
I would have freaked out too.”
 
I pull her into a hug, and it feels good to hug my best friend
again.
 
I’ve missed her.

On our way back to
Candace and Megan, I ask Lexi, “So Megan doesn’t know what happened?
 
She wasn’t there?”

“She came up the
stairs looking for us, but Candace took her back down.
 
She was drunk.
 
I’m sure she didn’t know what was going
on.
 
She just heard the rumors
afterwards like everyone else.”
 
She pauses for a moment before adding, “Why did you ask me the other day
if I had given Nick Veneto your phone number?”

I smirk, surprised
she even remembers.
 
“He called me
last Friday.
 
He left me a message,
saying it was urgent.
 
Then, when I
talked to him about it at school, he totally dismissed the whole thing.
 
I don’t get it.
 
Anyway, I was just wondering who gave
him my number.
 
I think it was
Candace.”

“Candace?
 
Really?
 
Has she been talking to him?”

“Yeah, I think
so.
 
She keeps telling me I should
listen to him and press charges against Ryan.”

“Well, what do you
think?
 
Are you going to?”

“I don’t know
yet.
 
I really don’t know why Nick
is trying to be my hero.
 
I knew
him for, like, two days before all this happened with Ryan.
 
The fact that he repeatedly comes to my
defense and is so adamant about punishing Ryan is a little strange, don’t you
think?”

Lexi bends down and
picks a seashell out of the sand.
 
She twirls it around in her manicured fingers as we continue to
walk.
 
“Maybe…unless he’s got a
crush on you.”

I laugh.
 
Right!
 
A crush. I shake my head.
 
“I don’t think so.”

I’m totally not his
type.
 
He’s probably into goth
chicks or something – not girls like me.
 
I’m concerned with appearances, and he doesn’t care what
anyone thinks about him.
 
I get
decent grades, but Nick is some kind of prodigy.
 
I listen to Katy Perry, and he probably likes Nine Inch
Nails or something.
 
I wear mini
skirts and high heels.
 
He wears
eyeliner.
 
But I kind of like that
he watches out for me.
 
It makes me
feel…safe.

It’s just that he’s
so intense.
 
Sometimes, he looks at
me with his dark eyes like he can see straight to my soul.
 
There’s something in him that draws me
– it did from the first day I saw him.
 
I knew I had to meet him.
 
And now, he’s changed my life.
 
He’s made it better.
 
He makes me crazy sometimes, carrying on about pressing charges against
Ryan.
 
But even then, the way he
looks at me – it’s like I’m something to be cherished.
 
No one’s ever looked at me that way.

Last week, there
was that awkward moment in the hallway after Physics when, for a split second,
I thought he was actually going to kiss me.
 
There was a fire in his eyes that captivated me.
 
He reached out and almost touched me,
and I found myself leaning into it, waiting for his touch.
 
I wanted to feel his hands on my
face.
 
Then, he pulled back.
 
Surely, I had been mistaken.
 
But if Nick really was trying to kiss
me, would I have kissed him back?
 
Those lips are quite tempting, and I find myself imagining exactly how
they would feel against mine.
 
I
don’t say any more about it to Lexi.
 
She would have a coronary if she knew I was thinking about kissing
Nicolás Veneto.
 

When we get back to
our towels, Ryan and his friends are gone.
 
Thank God.
 
I
don’t think I could have looked at him again without breaking into a full panic
attack.
 
We stay at the beach for a
couple more hours.
 
It feels good
to hang out and laugh with my girls.
 
It’s been too long.

When the sun begins
to sink, the air turns cold, reminding us it is autumn, after all.
 
Candace gives me a ride to my house,
and by the time I walk through the front door, it’s past dark.

The house smells
like pesto and garlic.
 
My mother
is in the kitchen, holding a glass of wine and stirring sauce in a large pot.

“Hi, honey,” she
says, not looking up.

“Hi.
 
Where’s Derrick?”

“He’s changing in
the bedroom.
 
We’ll be eating
soon.
 
You hungry?”
 
She is still staring at the pot on the
stove, even though I’m standing less than ten feet from her.

I have the sudden
urge to wave my hand in front of her face and yell,
“I’m right here!
 
Look at
me!
 
Notice me!
 
Please!”
 
Instead, I say, “Oh, okay.
 
Well, I’m going up for a shower.”
 
I wait a second to see if she’ll acknowledge me in any
way.
 
She doesn’t.
 
I run up the stairs, taking two at a
time.

I try with my mom.
 
I really do.
 
I try to be everything she wants.
 
I try to make her happy.
 
I just feel like it’s never good enough.
 
I’ll never be good enough for her.
 
I’ll never be perfect.
 
Now, with everyone at school thinking
I’m some kind of freak, I can forget about Prom Queen.
 
I won’t even make the Prom Court.
 
And the way Ryan looked at me today
makes me think he’s not done torturing me yet.
 
He has something else in mind.

I’ve lost
friends.
 
I’ve lost my chance at
Prom Queen.
 
I’ve got a mother who
hates me for some reason I’ll never understand.
 
I’ve got a friend who I once trusted who drugged me and
tried to rape me.
 
I feel like
nothing will ever get better.

As I let the water
beat down on me, I try to shove away thoughts of what a failure I’ve become.
 
I think about Lexi, and it makes me
happier.
 
I’m glad we were able to
talk at the beach today.
 
I’m so
happy for her and Troy.
 
It sounds
like they’re finally hitting it off.
 
Maybe they’ll go to the homecoming dance together in a couple
weeks.
 
I wonder if I’ll even go
this year.
 
I’m sure no one is
planning to ask me.

I feel like curling
up on the shower tile and letting the hot water burn every despicable thing
from me.
 
I feel like crying for
the life I once had, a life that seems to be never returning.
 
But if I let myself come apart, I’ll
never have the strength to put myself back together.
 
For now, I’ll have to push through this.
 
It’s my only choice.

NICK

“I’m cooking for
you tonight, mom,” I say, pulling out an iron pot from the cabinet.

My mom kicks off
her shoes and sets her purse on the table.
 
“Mijo!” she exclaims.
 
“That sounds wonderful!”

“Well, don’t get
too excited,” I laugh.
 
“It’s just
spaghetti and meatballs.”

She walks to the
sink where I’m filling up the pot with water and rustles my hair like I’m a
kid.
 
“You’re a good boy, mi
amor.”
 
She pulls out a chair at
the kitchen table, plops down on it, and starts massaging her foot.
 
“Where’s your cousin tonight?”

“I don’t know.
 
I think he was working on some project
for school.
 
He left early this
morning and hasn’t been back since.”
 
I place the pot on the stove and switch the knob to ignite the
burner.
 
My mom sighs.
 
When I glance at her, I can tell
something’s on her mind.

“Mom, what’s
up?
 
You okay?”
 
I pull out the chair next to her and
have a seat.
 
She doesn’t say
anything, but her eyes look sad and tired.
 
I put my arms around her small frame and pull her into a
hug.
 
“It’s okay, mom.
 
Whatever it is, tell me.”

“Oh, Nicolás.
 
I don’t want you to worry about me,”
she says into my chest.

“I’ll always worry
about you!
 
You’re my mom!”
 
I laugh, trying to lighten the mood,
but she remains serious.
 
It’s
starting to worry me even more.
 
“Mom, what’s going on?”

She pulls out of my
hug, and finally announces, “I spoke with your sister today.
 
Tatiana called my cell phone while I
was working at the hospital.”
 
She
hangs her head, and I can tell whatever they talked about wasn’t good.

“Tatiana?
 
Wow.
 
What has she been doing?
 
Where is she?”
 
I haven’t talked to my addict sister in a long time.
 
She’s too busy self-destructing to care
about mom and me.

I anticipate my
mother’s tears as I stare into her face.
 
Sure enough, the second she starts talking, they start spilling.

“She was high
again!” she says, sobbing.
 
“I
could hear it in her voice.
 
Oh,
Nicolás!
 
What am I going to do
about my baby girl?”
 
She puts her
head in her hands and wails.
 
I rub
her back, trying to comfort her.

After a minute of
crying, she looks up again and says, “She needs money.
 
She’s somewhere in Arizona, some town
I’ve never heard of.
 
She says
she’s living on the street, and she doesn’t have anything to eat!
 
Oh, my baby!” she cries.
 
My mother looks heartbroken, covering
her face and sobbing into her hands.

I’m so sick of this
shit.
 
My druggie sister has done
this to my mom way too many times.
 
She doesn’t have enough money to eat, but she sure as hell can afford
the freaking meth – unless she’s getting her next fix by sucking off
asshole dealers in back alleys.
 
God, I can’t even think about it.

There was a time
when I loved my sister.
 
I looked
up to her.
 
We were really close as
kids.
 
We use to spend hours playing
World of Warcraft on the computer together.
 
She used to laugh.
 
She was happy, and she was so smart.
 
She could have gotten into any college she wanted.
 
Then dad died, and she started tweaking
and turning into a psycho.
 
When my
mom kicked her out a couple years ago, I don’t think she actually thought Tatiana
would leave.
 
But she did, and she
hasn’t been back since.

“I already lost
your father, Nicolás.
 
I can’t lose
Tatiana too!”

I offer my mom the
tissue box.
 
“So what did you tell
her?”

She pulls a tissue
out and dabs her eyes with it.
 
“I
told her the only way I’d help her is if she went to a treatment facility to
get clean.
 
I told her I would pay
for it, and then after her treatment she could come back home.”

My mom has told her
that a hundred times – every time Tatiana calls for money.
 
She’s never listened to mom
before.
 
I have very little faith
that today will be any different.
 
“And?”

My mother hangs her
head again.
 
“She told me she’s not
addicted anymore, that she’s just hit some hard times and needs money.”

I slam my hand down
hard on the table, causing her head to snap up in surprise.
 
“You don’t believe her,
do you
?”
 
I wait for an answer that doesn’t come.
 
She just stares at me blankly until I
explode.
 
“Mom!
 
She tells you that every time she
calls, and you always end up wiring her money.
 
She’s lying to you!
 
Don’t you see that?”

I’m not really mad
at my mom.
 
I’m mad at my goddamned
sister for hurting our mother this way.
 
She has to know Tatiana is lying to her.
 
She
has
to.
 
Tatiana’s done this enough times.
 
She always agrees to go to treatment,
and then when my mom wires her money, she bails, and we don’t hear from her
again for months.
 
It’s her
pattern, and my mother cannot be stupid enough to believe her.
 
So I can’t understand why she gives in
every time.

Her tears start spilling
again, and I feel guilty for raising my voice to her.
 
I open my mouth to apologize, but she stops me.
 
“Tatiana didn’t handle your father’s
death well, mijo.
 
She’s not strong
like you.”
 
Mom reaches out and
takes my hand.
 
“You, mi amor, are
the strongest of all of us.”
 
She
gives me a sad smile that makes my heart break.
 
“Nicolás, she’s my daughter.
 
I can’t give up on her.”

I quietly squeeze
her hand and nod.
 
I don’t trust
myself to open my mouth right now.
 
I know nothing good will come out of it.
 
Instead, I stand and walk to the stove to pour the pasta
noodles into the boiling water.

I want to agree
with my mom.
 
I want to believe in
Tatiana.
 
I just can’t.
 
She’s screwed us over too many times.
 
I know my mom is going to wire her
money again.
 
And with all this
drama and expense with Tatiana, there is no way in hell I can tell her about
the lawsuit with Morgan.

As I start frying
the meatballs in the skillet, I feel my mom’s hand on my shoulder.
 
I can’t look at her.
 
I know she’s hurting, but I am too.

“Mijo, I know how
you feel about your sister.
 
I’m
sorry to disappoint you, but I can’t let her starve.
 
She needs me.”
 
She rests her head on my back.
 
“I’ll find a good treatment center in Arizona where she can get
help.
 
Then maybe she can move back
home with us, maybe even go to college.
 
It will be just like before.”

“Yeah, mom.
 
Maybe.”
 
It’s all I can say – even though I know that’s never
going to happen.
 
I can’t argue
with my mom anymore.
 
She’s
tired.
 
I’m tired.
 
I can’t stand to see my mom hurting
like this.
 
Tatiana did this to
her.

I’m pissed that I
decided to cook this crappy dinner.
 
All I want to do is go to my room, stick my headphones in my ears, and
turn up the music so loud that I can’t think anymore.
 
I hate her.
 
I freaking
hate Tatiana.

The second the
noodles are soft, I drain them quickly and mix them together with the sauce and
meatballs.
 
“Mom, I’m not real
hungry.
 
I’m just going to head
upstairs for the night, okay?”
 
I
try to keep my voice level, which is almost impossible since I’m still furious
over my sister.

She looks up from
the mail she’s sorting at the kitchen table.
 
“Are you sure, mi amor?”

“Yeah, mom, I’m
sure,” I answer and retreat to the solace of my bedroom.
 
My
bedroom.
 
I still don’t know where
the hell Sebastian is.
 
I don’t
give a damn.

When my eyes open
in the morning, I still have my earphones in, and my sketchpad is sprawled open
across my chest.
 
Staring back at
me is the latest portrait of Kendra that I’ve been working on.
 
Those eyes are hypnotizing.
 
I sweep my thumb lightly over her cheek
before closing the book.

When I pull the
earphones out of my ears and sit up, I realize Sebastian isn’t in his bed.
 
I’m wondering if he even came home last
night.
 
I must have passed out early.
 
Then I hear the shower and realize he’s
probably been for a run, like usual.

We both get ready
quickly – me with my blood red jeans under a black shirt with a Psycho
movie graphic, and Sebastian with his friggin’ khaki Docker shorts and navy
blue button-up.
 
Oh, and his Vans
deck shoes and ankle socks.
 
How
are we related?
 
Seriously.

We’re not talking
much, and I’m wondering if he’s mad at me.
 
I’ve been kind of a dick to him lately.
 
I almost feel bad, but not quite.
 
He’s got it made – athletic, good
looks, all the girls, the jock friends, and the damn Mustang.
 
And no three hundred thousand dollar
lawsuit filed against him.
 
Lucky
bastard.

“So, have you
talked to Kendra?” he asks when we’re pulling into the school parking lot.

“Yeah.
 
She doesn’t seem too stoked about pressing
charges against that loser.
 
I
think I’m screwed.”
 
I tell it like
it is.
 
I’ve had a week to come to
terms with my fate.
 
“What if I
don’t pay?
 
Will they throw me in
jail?”

Sebastian puts the
car into Park and turns off the ignition.
 
He’s in no hurry to get out though.
 
He looks at himself in his rear-view mirror and fixes a few
spikes, so they’re sticking up perfectly on his head.
 
He says nonchalantly, “No, they’ll go after Aunt Maria.
 
She’ll probably lose the house.”

What?
 
Is he serious?
 
He said it so casually, I don’t even
know if he’s serious.
 
Shit.
 
Shit.
 
Shit.
 
I’m
mentally freaking out, but trying to stay cool.
 
I keep my voice as laid-back as his.
 
“I’ll ask Kendra again.
 
Nobody’s going to take mom’s house.”

Sebastian turns to
face me, and his dark eyes narrow.
 
His features harden.
 
The
tension is visible in his clenching jaw.
 
He looks pissed as hell, like he’s about to crash his fist through the windshield
– or my face.

 
A deafening voice bellows out of him,
and I swear people outside the car can hear him screaming.
 
“No shit, nobody’s going to take the freaking
house, asshole!
 
Stop being such a
coward and do what you need to do.
 
Talk to a goddamned lawyer!”

I slowly blink my
eyes.
 
What the hell was that?
 
I’m kind of in awe that my cousin just
freaked out on me.
 
He’s never done
that before, and quite frankly, I’m glad he did it.
 
It makes me think he’s a real human after all.
 
The guy can’t be happy all the freaking
time.

I can feel a smile
start to pull on my lips, but I hold it back.
 
“Alright, dude.”
 
I nod once.
 
His expression
of anger quickly turns to confusion.
 
He obviously hadn’t expected my quick concession.
 
Before he can say anything, I’m out of
the car and walking across the parking lot to my Calculus class.
 
And to Kendra.