Waiting on the Sidelines (6 page)

“The guys should be here any minute,” she said, smiling. “I am so going to kiss Reed when he gets here. I’m so proud of him.” She was saying this just loud enough for my benefit, I knew. Sienna leaned into me with a nonverbal ‘sorry.’ I shrugged it off, knowing full well what reality was, but my stomach was sinking and I was starting to dread the hours ahead of us tonight.

When the second round of vehicles started rounding the dirt road, my classmates all started cheering and holding their various bottles in the air in a salute. Cole jumped out of the back of a pickup truck and came running over to the table of cheerleaders, picking two of them up and squeezing their rears with his hands as they laughed.
Pig, I thought.
More and more of the guys started mingling with the rest of the partiers, climbing the trucks and grabbing beers, shaking them and spraying each other and standing on car rooftops to beat their chests. Taken out of context, the entire scene was absurd.
In fact, even in context it was ridiculous, I thought.

Just then, I felt someone lean into my other side. I jumped a bit and turned to see Reed. “Hey!” I said, bumping him back. This seemed to be an acceptable form of touching, and the warmth of his arm against mine, even in just that split second, sent chills through me.

“So, what’d you think? How’d I do,” he said, unwrapping a burger from some fast food joint and shoveling half of it in his mouth. I must have been staring because he felt the need to explain. “Sorry, I would totally share, but I ate one on the way here and I’m STARVING!”

“It’s ok, I’m not hungry,” I laughed. “And you’re game was great! I mean, you did great. So did the rest of the guys, but you were really good tonight.”
I was gushing and needed to stop.

“Thanks! I felt really comfortable out there. Maybe you’re my good luck charm!” he said, bumping into me again and polishing off his burger. I let out a tiny laugh in response, but tucked what he said into that place inside where I was holding the words of his letter and any other sign of flirtation from Reed Johnson.

“Hey, you want something to drink?” he asked.

I held up my water and made a crooked smile.

“Ah, good. You found it. I threw a cooler in Sam’s truck because I know you don’t really like to drink,” he said.
He seriously thought about me. I was part of his planning process.

“Yeah, thanks. I’m not too sure how I’m going to get home, because I know Calley is going to load up tonight,” I said, my face showing signs of my concern.

“Don’t worry. We’ll be here for a while, and it’s actually not that far from my dad’s, so worst-case scenario, you guys can walk home with me and crash at my house until the morning,” he smiled.  

“Thanks,” I said, my mind turning to the thought of spending the night at Reed Johnson’s house.

Not missing a beat, Tatum came running over and plopped herself right on Reed’s lap, snapping me right out of my very pleasant daydream where she didn’t exist. She had her back to me completely, but I could hear their entire conversation. “Baby, you were so good tonight!” she fawned.
I didn’t sound like that when I complemented him, no way.

“Thanks! What do I get for being so good,” he suggested. I was getting uncomfortable and flipped my feet to the ground to get up.

“Hey, talk to you later, Noles, kay?” Reed shouted as I walked away.

“Yeah, sure,” I smiled, realizing he was already busy making out with Tatum.

I found Sienna with her feet dangling from the bed of a pickup. I climbed up and sat next to her, kicking her feet at the same rhythm. She turned the side of her lips up in a small smile. “Kinda sucks, huh?” she said.

“Whatcha mean? The party? It’s not bad. I just don’t drink and I’m awkward and don’t really know what to do,” I responded honestly.

“No, I mean that,” she said, gesturing to Reed and Tatum, now fully enveloped in one another across the lot.

“Oh,” I said, turning my head down and knocking the heals of my shoes together like Dorothy from Oz. Sienna smiled at my subtle joke. “Yeah, that kinda sucks. Kinda… a lot,” I admitted.

“I know,” she said, tilting her water to me again for another half-hearted ‘Cheers.’

The party dragged for Sienna and I, as hours passed and teenagers drank more and more. We started making bets on who was going to get sick or stumble first. I was thrilled when I won a dollar after Tatum tripped over her own feet on her way to the cooler. It didn’t console me much when she slung her arms around Reed’s neck, though.

Things were starting to wind down and a few of the pickup trucks were leaving a trail of dust against the night sky as they pulled out from our desert lot.
No one was in any shape to drive, I thought.

Sienna and I stood in the middle of the lot, just behind Calley’s car. She was definitely not driving. Sarah wasn’t as wasted, but she was only 15 and still not in any condition to drive. And Sienna and I, well, we were rule followers.

Devin, Cole and Sean came stumbling over, a few junior cheerleaders with them. “Hey, ladies,” Cole slurred. “We’re kickin’ it at Reed’s, you wanna come?”

Knowing I didn’t have a choice, we started walking along the wash with them. Reed was leading the way, carrying Tatum piggyback, her legs wrapped tightly around his waist. My stomach felt as if I had just dropped in an elevator and my head felt light. I thought I was maybe going to pass out, but I had Sienna with me to keep me standing. I felt her throw her arm over my shoulder, I think sensing that I needed to be grounded a bit.

Reed was right, his dad’s house was close. We walked for maybe 20 or 30 minutes and made our way to the back of his father’s property. Reed flipped open a gate and the dozen or so of us following him came streaming through his back yard. He slid open the back glass door and we all followed inside. Some of the guys just fell flat on the floor and the girls all lay on the couch. Sienna and I found two lounge chairs over by the fireplace and curled our feet up. I was trying to make myself small. Invisible.

Reed was the last to walk through the main room, flipping the light off. He looked over at me with a goofy grin, and with a bit of a slur said “g’night, Noles.” Then he grabbed Tatum’s hand and led her upstairs.

I felt like a pet and I wanted to run away. But it was three in the morning, and I was too many desert miles away from home. I felt Sienna hand me a blanket, and I grabbed it tightly. She patted my arm knowingly and then snuggled in to fall asleep. I pulled the blanket over my entire body and let my eyes fill up with water. I willed myself not to sob, but I sat there, on the verge, for the next several hours.

I was trying to convince Sarah and Calley to wake up to drive me home when the front door burst open and the sound of suitcases rolling filled the foyer. The hung-over teenagers in the living room all started to stir at the noise. I rounded the corner to see who was at the door and ran right into Buck Johnson.

“Oh, hey there, girly,” he said, with a hint of Southern charm. “You must be one of Reed’s friends?”

“Uh, oh… yeah, I’m so sorry. I’m Nolan. Reed let a few of us stay over because the football celebration lasted so long last night,” I was vague, not sure how much information he knew or cared to know.

“Nolan, I’ve heard about you. Great name, kid!” he said, giving me a bit of a punch on the shoulder. I understood the charm of the best salesman in the business instantly. “Hell of a game last night, huh? I came in from meetings in Tucson for it and had to get back for a breakfast meeting this morning, but it was worth the drive. My boy’s something special,” he beamed.

I heard steps coming down the stairs and soon Reed was standing behind me. “Hey pops,” he said with a wave. “You just get in?”

“Sure did, you wanna roll these bags upstairs for me?” he said, handing over a big garment bag.

“Yep,” Reed said, smiling. He was turning to say something to me when I turned quickly as if I didn’t notice. I wasn’t ready to make eye contact with him. Thankfully Calley and Sarah were walking up with their purses and Calley had her keys dangling from her finger.

“Hey, Nolan. Cole’s going to give us a lift back to my car, you ready?” she asked.

“Sounds good,” I said. Then, not fully turning to Reed, I half thanked him for letting us stay over last night.

“Uh yeah, anytime,” he said, finally turning his attention to moving his father’s bags upstairs.

I didn’t talk much during the ride to Calley’s car or the ride back to my house. I had never been happier to see the wrap-around porch my dad built in my life. I climbed the steps and plopped down on one of the porch chairs next to my dad.

“Have a good time, kiddo?” he asked.

“Sure did,” I lied.

I decided that I wouldn’t be attending any more desert parties after the football games this year. Even without my unhealthy crush on the quarterback, I didn’t really enjoy the drunk mingling in the 90-degree desert. And as the fall stretched on, the parties happened less and less as winter settled in and the football season became more and more serious. I wasn’t anti-social, by any means. I just didn’t let my imagination get carried away.

Reed and I ended up earning the highest grade in the class on our sustainability project. In fact, our teacher was so impressed by our model and paper, he entered it in a district competition being sponsored by one of the big solar companies in Phoenix.

Without the project, there was little reason for me to visit or call Reed. I found myself not able to delete the small string of texts I had saved from our few conversations. Most of them were about meeting times and whether or not I was coming over to work on the project. Then there was that last one, when I told him we were still friends. And we were. I just had to create some distance to keep my emotions sheltered until I could overcome this puppy crush.

My volleyball season finished in November, and I was pretty sure I would be allowed to play up at varsity the next year. Most of the girls were graduating, leaving only Tatum to lead the team. I dreaded the thought of that, but I was pretty sure I could hold my own on the court with her after some practice.

Homecoming went as expected. Reed was named freshman prince and Sarah was his princess. Tatum was the junior royalty and she and Reed spent most of the homecoming dance glued to one another inappropriately. I went to the dance with Sienna and a few of her friends from band. She had just started dating a new boy at our school, Bradley. They were in band together and both were musical prodigies. They competed at the district music challenge with a duet and were sort of inseparable ever since. Thankfully a few other girls were with us, otherwise I would have very much been the third wheel.

District play-offs flew by and Reed and the Bears breezed through allowing their opponents to score 17 points total. He really was a bit of a phenom with the football. The state championship game was a week or two before the holiday break and was held at the university stadium in Tucson. We ended up losing to Valley Christian Prep, a fairly sizeable private school from Scottsdale. They had money and a team of giants whom had played together since Pop Warner at 8. Reed was pretty bummed, losing by two touchdowns. But the papers were pretty fair, talking about his freshman status leading a young team against one that was mostly seniors. “A Force to be Reckoned With” was the headline over the article profiling him in the big paper.

After some serious thought, I sent him a text over the holidays wishing him a Merry Christmas. Surprisingly, he sent back a picture of his smiling face in front of his tree and fireplace. It was amazingly decorated – they must have hired someone, I thought, knowing two men couldn’t pull that look off.

I looked at the self-portrait Reed had sent more than I should over the break. But I tucked it back into my taboo file when school started again and I spotted Tatum and Reed holding hands through the quad.

After a few weeks, being friends with Reed was getting easier. We made each other laugh in science and accepted two green medals that we were given for honorable mention prizes in the district sustainability contest for our project. The class joked that we were the green team and I nicknamed Reed ‘the Hulk’ in the spirit of it all. Our texts were even more regular and caused me less stress. He would ask me my opinion on the upcoming NFL draft or basketball, impressed when I was able to keep up with the text-versation. I could tell he was trying to stump me, and whenever I wasn’t sure about something, I consulted Mike, who I had to call now that he’d moved out, and my dad. Reed and I were friends, yes, but I still wanted to remain cool in his eyes.

Track season was starting and I was looking forward to spending my afternoons running for miles with my headphones on. I had brought my own spikes to school and was lacing them up on the bleachers when I heard Reed and a few other guys walking up.

“Noles!” Sean said, sliding onto the bench next to me and putting his arm over my shoulder. “How’s my girl?” he added, suspiciously.

“Uh… fine, I guess?” I said, scrunching my brows trying to figure out what he was up to. “What are you guys doing here?”

“Coach wants us to spend the spring running, and I think I’ll be pretty good at shot put,” Reed said.

“Oh, yeah. I bet,” I supported. He would be good, if he could get the technique down, I thought.

A few more people joined us in the bleachers and finally Coach Baker walked up and sat on the railing facing us all. He wasn’t the head track coach, but he was the head football coach, and that trumped Coach Stills, who also happened to be a woman. In this good-old-boy’s town, she definitely wasn’t in charge. She ran the practice and the drills, though, and Coach Baker let her without interference, given her three national championships from her time at Arizona State.

“OK, folks. Here’s how’s it’s going to go,” Coach Baker started. Reed chuckled a little next to Sean, and they both ribbed each other. They’ve heard this speech before, I thought. It dawned on me that Sean’s arm was still draped over my shoulder. I was curious by it, not wanting it to draw the attention of the coaches. Though I didn’t entirely mind, it seemed strange. Not wanting to be singled out, though, I stood up to stretch my legs and work my feet into my shoes, an excuse but it didn’t seem to draw a reaction from Sean.

We started practice with a laps exercise. The runner in front would set the pace and the runner at the back would sprint to the front and set a new pace. After about three laps, we all made a pact to gradually slow the pace down some. We were getting away with it until it started to drag a little too much and Coach Stills decided to join us and reset the pace to her more college-level speed. Grumbling made its way down the line, and that’s when I heard a breathy whistle behind me. Sean was running behind me, grinning ear to ear. I wasn’t sure I had heard him correctly and was even less sure of the meaning.

“What was that?” I said over my shoulder.

“Just enjoying the view,” he smiled.

I snapped forward, immediately flushed.

Sean’s flirtatious comments and overly friendly touching continued for the next few weeks. I didn’t react to them, but I also didn’t stop them. Tatum decided to join the track team, too. I rarely came in contact with her, she was long jumping and running wasn’t really her focus. I think she just joined the team to spend more time with Reed. Things were approaching normal and I was starting to feel like I was my own person again, not trapped by raw neediness and disappointment.

It was the day of our travel meet in Yuma and I was packing a few things from my gym locker in my bag when I noticed Tatum’s bronzed legs slide over on the bench next to me. “He’s into you, you know,” she said, stopping my heart for a brief moment.

“I’m sorry?” I said, not turning to reveal the shock in my face.

“Sean. He’s totally into you,” she said. “You should hook up with him. You guys would be so cute”

Why was she being nice to me? And what was she talking about? I’ve known Sean for years and he most certainly did not have a thing for me. “Hmmm, I don’t know. I don’t think so. He’s so… bold.” That was the best I could do.

Tatum giggled, that sound flooding my ears and turning my stomach a bit. “Well, I know he likes you. He asked Reed for your phone number, but Reed said he had to ask you himself… you know, because he didn’t want to give away your personal information without telling you first.”

“Oh,” I was stunned.

“Well, now at least you have some time to think about it,” she grinned turning to leave the locker room for the bus.

I sat there for a few extra minutes trying to make sense of this new information. Sean was cute, for sure. He was popular and a lot of girls wanted to be his. He had dated a few girls this year. Why was I of any interest to him? I know I should have been excited, but deep in my mind, I knew this also meant that I was putting even more ‘friend’ definition between me and Reed.

Not able to stall any longer, I grabbed my bag and made my way out to the bus. I climbed the steps and took a seat up front near the coaches, ignoring Sean a few rows back and the wide open space next to him. I was pretty sure he had been saving that seat for me. Luckily, we were on the road quickly and he didn’t have time to get my attention. I pulled my headphones out and settled in with some music for the long bus trip ahead of us. I was suddenly wishing I had more amped music and less contemplative selections on my iPod. I listened to two Arcade Fire albums and The National and was about ready to roll my way out of the moving bus from the musical depression I’d forced upon myself when we pulled over at a rest stop about an hour away from Yuma.

I got out to stretch my legs and found my way to the women’s restroom and crossed paths with Tatum, who just grinned at me knowingly. I smiled back briefly and closed the stall door, letting my forehead rest on it for just a moment. I hurried with my business and didn’t even stay to dry my hands, opting instead to pat them on my sweatpants. I was one of the first in the bus and quickly put on my headphones to drown out everyone else, mostly Sean as he gave me a smile on his way back on the bus. He looked almost about to speak when I smiled and turned away to look out the window, revealing my headphones so he wouldn’t think I was being rude but just didn’t hear him. Tatum and Reed crawled on next, and I only watched them from the corner of my eye as they made their way to the back rows. I played a few of the peppy pop tunes on my iPod for the rest of the trip.

We set up camp under the bleachers and I walked over to the table in the center of the field to check in for my races. I was running the 400 and 800 meters and my race wouldn’t be until later in the afternoon. I had about 45 minutes to kill before I had to start warm-ups, so I unrolled the towel I brought and lay down, putting my head on my gym bag for support. I closed my eyes briefly letting the music from my headphones put me into a relaxed state.

Turning my head to the side, I saw Reed sitting with his back against a post, his knees bent up, his sweats baggy and long against his running shoes. His sweatshirt was scrunched up under his head and he was laughing, telling some story to Sean with his hands resting comfortably on his knees. His hat was on backwards and the curls of his brown hair were flipping out on the sides and back. I was letting myself take him in for a little too long when Tatum flopped down on the ground in front of him, snuggling against his chest and making her arms at ease wrapped under his thighs. Reed was her personal lounge chair and I was the awkward obsessive watching their intimate moment with my own depressing soundtrack pumping in my ears.

Sean walked in front of me and kicked my crossed feet apart to get my attention. I turned to him with a poor reaction but instantly felt guilty. It wasn’t his fault he had startled me, and my mood most certainly wasn’t thanks to him.

“Sorry, you scared me. What’s up?” I said.

“I know your race is soon, wanna warm up a little and check out the snack bar while we’re at it?” he asked, almost nervously.

“Uh, yeah. That sounds good. One second.” I wrapped my headphones around my iPod and tucked it inside my sweatshirt in my gym bag. Sean reached out his hand to help me up when I sat up and I took it, staring at it like some foreign object. We walked around the front of the bleachers and nearly halfway around the track without speaking. Sean had his hands stuffed in his pockets and was staring out to the middle of the field without much focus, nervously. I wanted to help fill the void in the air, but I really didn’t know what to say after Tatum had dropped the bombshell of information on my lap earlier. Unable to take it any longer, I blurted out some obvious strings of conversation.

“So, you’re going to try the mile, huh?” I squinted from the sun a bit looking over at him.

“Yep, oh? Hey, here,” he said, handing me his sunglasses.

“Thanks,” I took them, grateful that I had something to mask the reaction to our conversation in my eyes and also incredibly puzzled at Sean’s behavior.

“I think you’ll do well,” I continued. “You were always good at distance running. I think you were the only person that beat me in grade school,” I said with a small laugh. I was so nervous, which was really stupid and unexpected. I felt so foreign to myself.

“Ha, thanks. I don’t think I could handle your race, though. The 400? Man, that one makes me puke … literally!” he said, settling in to our conversation. We walked up to the snack bar and I was looking over the menu of sports drinks and energy snacks. I was still studying when Sean stepped up to the counter and ordered two Gatorades and two apples. He handed over five bucks and turned around to hand me a drink and apple.

“Oh, thanks. You didn’t have to do that,” I said, truly surprised by his gesture.

“You need your energy, Noles. Least I could do,” he said, bumping my side a little.

“Well then, thanks,” I said, bumping him back.
What was I doing? I was in a full-on flirt fest with Sean. Never in a million years did I see this coming when I got up to start my day this morning.

We sat over on a concrete curb by the edge of the home stands and bit into our apples, laughing when we both made obnoxious crunching noises and squirted juice out in front of us. Sean pulled his sweatshirt sleeve down over his hand and blotted up the apple drops that fell on my knee. He didn’t make eye contact with me, but was very deliberate and gentle. It was strange to see him act this way. Sean was handsome, for sure. His hair was golden brown and short, always styled perfectly. He was one of the tallest boys in school and had broad shoulders. He was pretty fast, but not a sprinter by any means. He was a receiver for the football team mostly because of his height. I watched him as he pulled his sweatshirt off to reveal the gray track team shirt underneath. He stood and reached his hand down for me again and pulled me up to stand next to him. His hands were strong and his arms had defined muscles. He wasn’t as built as Reed, but he was close. I locked into his brown eyes briefly, but looked away not wanting to get caught.