War on Whimsy (5 page)

“The people of Whimsy are the most artistic in the universe,” said XYZ40. “The landscape seems to inspire them. They write symphonies and plays. They paint. They sculpt. They sing. They're really very talented. Unfortunately, they're also somewhat . . .”

“Hopeless,” supplied the king.

“Yes,” admitted XYZ40.“They're incredibly absentminded. They're not at all practical. They don't grow crops even though the soil would be perfect for it, and they have no business sense whatsoever. They're always running out of food, and sending messages to Volcomania asking for urgent supplies. Up until now, the Volcomanian government has put up with this. In fact, being an entrepreneurial type of people, they've tended to exploit it. In return for supplying bread and milk, they demand that the Whimsians hand over their paintings or sculptures. Then they sell them around the galaxy for huge profits.”

“I've said it before and I'll say it again, those Whimsians all need to be packed off to business school,” said the king.

“I think I remember Mom and Dad talking about a Whimsian painting that's now worth a billion bars of gold,” said Shimlara. “The person who painted it sold it to a Volcomanian for a
ham sandwich.
”

“So why has Volcomania declared war on the Planet of Whimsy?” asked Tyler. “It seems like they've got a pretty good arrangement going.”

“Volcomania has a new president,” said XYZ40. A picture appeared on the screen of a Volcomanian woman in a crisp business suit. If it wasn't for her scaly skin, she might have been quite attractive.

“Mrs. Mary Ellen Mania,” said XYZ40.“After winning the presidency, Mrs. Mania gave a very persuasive speech about how the Planet of Whimsy was actually part of Volcomanian territory and should be under their rule. She sent in the troops the following week. Once Whimsy surrenders and is under Volcomanian rule, she wants the people to work in artistic factories where they'll have a certain quota of paintings or symphonies to produce every week. They'll receive a wage and according to Mrs. Mania, they can ‘finally start to act like grown-ups.' No more lying around in meadows staring at the sky. Also, they'll have to start farming on the weekends.”

“Oh, those poor people,” said Katie.

“Is the Planet of Whimsy fighting back?” asked Sean.

“Well, they're very upset but, the thing is, they're not actually very good at war. They don't have an army. In fact, they didn't even have a president. They'd forgotten to reelect one after the last president resigned. When the war began, they very hurriedly put this man in charge.”

A picture appeared of a fair-haired man wearing a beret and a paint-splattered smock.

“This is Henry Sweet,” said XYZ40. “He's a very good artist, but a terrible president. Not surprisingly, Volcomania is currently winning the War on Whimsy. The only reason they haven't managed to wrap it up in under a week is because of the time it takes to transport weapons, troops, and provisions through the Underground Sea. They've had to leave many of their bigger cannons and tanks behind because they can't fit them through the sea. Here is some of the damage the Volcomanian army has done so far.”

Picture after picture of terrible sights appeared on the screen.

A meadow of flowers crushed by the heavy black boots of the Volcomanian army.

Beautiful sculptures riddled with bullet holes.

A family lying facedown on the ground, their hands over their heads, while their home burned behind them.

A young girl sobbing over the burned remains of her harp.

“No wonder my parents are trying to help!” said Shimlara passionately. She turned to the king and queen. “Why aren't
you
helping the Planet of Whimsy?”

“Oh, my dear, we have expressed our grave concern over Volcomania's actions,” said the queen. “Every planet's government has written a strongly worded letter to Mrs. Mania. I composed our letter myself. It took me a whole
hour.
I was exhausted, as you can imagine. People don't appreciate how much work goes into being a royal.”

“Why hasn't Globagaskar declared war on Volcomania?” asked Greta.

“Obviously, you wouldn't understand this as a commoner and an Earthling, but that's how galaxy wars begin,” said Princess Petronella condescendingly. “This is all much more
complicated
than you realize!”

“Surely the United Aunts isn't happy about this!” said Shimlara.

“The United Aunts has been loudly condemning Volcomania's actions,” said XYZ40. “They're extremely upset. In fact, they were about to hold a press conference an hour ago on the matter, but it was canceled at the last minute.”

“Perhaps the United Aunts has been kidnapped, too,” said Shimlara.

XYZ40 looked shocked. “Don't be ridiculous. Something must have come up! Or perhaps the aunts are sick. They are quite elderly.”

“How could
all
of them be sick at the same time?” said Shimlara quietly.

“It does seem a little mysterious,” admitted XYZ40. “But no planet would dare kidnap the aunts!”

“So basically you are doing nothing about this war,” said Sean.

The king yawned. “I really do need my nap.”

The queen caressed her face. “My skin is just crying out for that facial!”

Only Princess Petronella looked at all concerned.

“We're not doing nothing,” she said. “I'm going to make a diplomatic visit to Mrs. Mania's son and try to speak some sense into him. Even though he's a horrible toad of a boy and it will be
very
boring.”

“But what about Shimlara's family?” asked Nicola.

“The Gorgioskios are fine citizens,” said XYZ40. “It's true they can be a little, well, annoying, at times with all their ‘causes' but we obviously want to help them. We considered sending in our own rescue team, but all our best agents are busy at the moment with a rather tricky problem we're currently experiencing on the Planet of Me—”

She stopped and bit her lip.

“Anyway, the point is, we felt there was another option.”

“That's where you come in,” said Princess Petronella.

The Space Brigade had all turned to stare at her.

“We're going to smuggle you into Volcomania so
you
can go to Whimsy and rescue them!”

“What do you mean by ‘smuggle?' ” asked Sean.
He's probably hoping there would be some repelling involved
, thought Nicola.

“We're going to have to parachute you in,” said XYZ40.

Oh great.
Sean grinned. Katie sighed.

“Why?” said Nicola. She didn't think parachuting over
live volcanos
was the most sensible idea.

“The Volcomanians are being very careful about who they let onto the planet at the moment,” said XYZ40. “You would be recognized by the Secret Service.The Space Brigade is starting to build quite an intergalactic reputation . . .”

“Really?” said Nicola.

“
Us?
” said Tyler.

“Are you sure?” said Katie.

“Like, we're famous?” said Greta.

“That's so cool,” said Sean.

“I mean, I knew word was getting around the galaxy,” said Shimlara excitedly. “But I didn't think—”

“Could we get back to the subject at hand?” said XYZ40 firmly.

The Space Brigade snapped back to attention.

“As a royal visitor, Princess Petronella won't be under much scrutiny,” said XYZ40. “So we should be able to parachute you out of the royal spaceship quite easily. You'll be met by one of our secret agents on Volcomania. His code name is JJ-11. He'll identify himself with the phrase, ‘Lovely day for a stroll.' You must respond, ‘I do enjoy a piece of rhubarb pie.' He'll arrange a transport and secret undercover identities for you.”

“Okay,” said Nicola. “And what happens after that?”

“I assume with your experience, you'll have no problem scuba diving through the Underground Sea to Whimsy and then tracking down the prisoners? Of course, Whimsy is a war zone so you'll have to be careful, but you've probably been through many a war zone in your time, right?”

XYZ40 looked at Nicola.

“No problem at all,” croaked Nicola. Shouldn't war zones be
avoided
?

The king and queen were fidgeting in their thrones.

“You don't need us for all the details, do you?” said the king.

The queen stood up. “I'm afraid I really need to go for my facial,” she said. “I owe it to my subjects to keep my skin flawless.” She gave Princess Petronella a kiss on the cheek. “Darling, have a wonderful time in Volcomania!”

“Mom!” said Princess Petronella. “I'm doing this to try and help stop the war. It won't be
fun.
I can't stand Mrs. Mania's son!”

“Oh, now, you make sure you play nicely with the little fellow,” said the king, ruffling Princess Petronella's hair.

“
Dad!
” The Princess readjusted her tiara. “I'm not going on a playdate. I'm going on a
diplomatic mission
.”

“Of course you are, sweetie,” said the king. He stood up and yawned. “I'm off for my nap.” Then he and the queen swept out of the room. A moment later, the queen popped her head back through the door and trilled, “I nearly forgot! Good luck, Space Brigade! I
do
hope none of you die!”

She vanished.

Princess Petronella's face was bright red. “They are just . . .
impossible
!”

XYZ40 spent the next few hours giving the Space Brigade detailed instructions about meeting places, geography, history, secret agents, and code words, by the end of which Nicola felt like she'd spent two weeks stuck in a classroom.

Finally she consulted her clipboard. “I think that's everything. I'll just give you your kits.”

She handed each member of the Space Brigade a satchel.

“It contains your parachute, lava goggles, extra tubes of lava screen, two-way radios, binoculars—that sort of thing,” said XYZ40.

“Where's my satchel?” said the princess.

“But your highness, you won't be parachuting,” said XYZ40. “You'll be—”

“
Playing nicely with the toad,
” finished the princess sulkily.

“Your highness, let me assure you that your role is absolutely crucial,” said XYZ40. “For one thing, we wouldn't be able to smuggle in the Space Brigade if we didn't have the excuse of the royal visit, and for another, you may actually have some luck convincing the toad, I mean, Mrs. Mania's son, to influence his mother.”

“Don't worry about it,” said the princess. “I'm used to a life without fun or interest.”

“Thank you for your help, Princess Petronella,” said Shimlara humbly. “This is very nice of you. You're a great friend.”

“It sure is nice of you,” agreed Nicola. Actually, now that she thought about it, it was a bit odd that the princess was being so generous with her time.

The princess beamed. “I am an incredibly nice friend, aren't I? And I'm also giving up important study time with a new tutor. He's a galaxy-famous mathematics genius and he was going to give me a weeklong workshop on ‘The Fine Art of Multiplication.' Unfortunately I'm going to have to miss it now! And he's not available for another five years!”

Aha. So, it wasn't just helping out Shimlara's parents that was motivating the princess! She was getting out of studying math! That made more sense. The Space Brigade smiled at one another, while the princess pondered, “Perhaps I should write a book one day—
The Seven Secrets of Friendship.
”

There was a crackling sound and XYZ40 turned away from them, pressed a hand to her ear, and listened carefully. She was obviously wearing some sort of two-way radio earpiece.

“Roger that,” she said crisply.

She dropped her hand. “The Royal Spaceship is ready.”

 

 

It was early evening and Nicola had her face pressed to the Royal Spaceship window, ready for her first glimpse of the Planet of Volcomania.

It was amazing to Nicola that this spaceship was even airborne. It was a small city! It had its own bowling alley, movie theater, and a giant swimming pool the size of a football stadium.

Instead of the cramped pods on Tyler's Mini Easy-Ride Spaceship, passengers reclined on full-length velvet sofas. Staff was available to rub your feet, but Princess Petronella was the only one taking advantage of this service. The others were all too nervous about what lay ahead of them.

They had all slathered themselves, their hair, and their clothes in lava screen and strapped their parachutes to their backs. Fortunately, the parachutes seemed quite simple to operate, with a PULL HERE! tag on the rip cord. Nicola's hand hovered near it.

“Just don't pull it until you've
jumped
,” said Tyler, from the sofa next to Nicola.

Nicola moved her hand away. “Of course not.”

“I see the volcanoes!” said Sean.

Nicola looked out and saw explosions of fiery red on the planet below. She could also see the tiny Planet of Whimsy with its halo of pink dust attached to Volcomania by the long tube that Nicola knew was an Underground Sea. She shivered as she imagined scuba diving through it. She liked swimming but she didn't particularly like diving underwater for too long. Of course, it wasn't like she'd have to hold her breath the whole time, but still.

As the spaceship got closer to Volcomania, they got a clearer view of the volcanoes and the red molten lava exploding from each one, like rows of bubbling cooking pots. Nicola imagined how just one drop would sear her skin. She took out her lava screen and began to reapply a fresh new layer. She saw the rest of the Space Brigade doing the same.