Warped (18 page)

CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE

AUGUST 25
TH
2014

ELLA

I walk into the church ready to marry the man I love. Damon stands at the altar looking at me with a smile on his face, but before I can take a step towards him, everything changes. People are crying and reaching for me, telling me they’re sorry. I try looking through the crowd of faceless people for Damon, but I can’t find him.

I push my way past the people surrounding me, finally breaking free to find Damon. My dress stops me from being able to move freely, weighing me down each time someone steps on it. I spot him when I finally pass the crowd surrounding me. He’s still standing at the altar, but now he looks sympathetic, like he’s sad for me. I don’t understand his reaction so I walk down the aisle to him and he pulls me into his strong arms.

I pull back to look in his warm chocolate eyes that are swimming with tears. What the fuck is happening?

“I don’t... what’s happening Damon?... I thought–” I’m cut off when a blood-curdling scream rings out above all the weeping. I turn in the direction of the noise but I can’t see anyone. As I turn to look back towards Damon something catches my eye and I freeze. What is this? What the fuck is this? I turn, wide eyed, to look at my perfect man.

“Damon what is going on? Why is there a coffin at our wedding?” I ask. My voice shakes with fear and my brain tries to shut out anything that’s going to cause me pain. I can see it in Damon’s eyes. This is going to cut me deep.

“Beauty,” he stops, at a loss for words. Tears spill from his eyes, “I’m so fucking sorry baby. So sorry.”

“I don’t... I don’t understand, Damon.” I say as tears begin to splash down my cheeks. I wipe them away with my hands, not wanting to ruin my makeup. This is supposed to be my wedding day. It’s supposed to be a happy day, not a sad one. “Please tell me.”

Damon cups my face and softly strokes my tears away, looking deep in my eyes. His tears continue to flow as he struggles to tell me what’s wrong.

  “Baby, I’m so fucking sorry–” he’s cut off with that god awful scream again, but still I can’t see where the noise is coming from.”Ella I fucking love you, more than you will ever know. I know this will be hard but we can get through this.” I don’t know what “this” is. Nothing is making sense. No one is telling me what is happening.

Suddenly the priest appears and tries to calm things down. He asks people to take their seats and directs Damon and me to the front row. I sit down numbly, still none the wiser as to what’s happening.

“Welcome everyone. We’re gathered here today to celebrate the life of Antony Knight. His passing has come as a shock to most of you but God has a reason for having his child returned. He now has a new purpose to fulfil.” At his words a sob rips from my chest. How is this happening? I’ve already buried my pops. Why is this happening?

Damon pulls me to him and wraps his arms around me, as he silently cries.

“No, no, no, no. It’s not real. It can’t be,” I cry but no one pays me any attention. I scream out for them to hear me but no sound comes out. My voice has gone. Please not this again. I can’t face this pain again. Damon gently rocks me, trying to soothe me but it’s no use.

“Daddy,” I cry.”Don’t leave me again, please come back,” I sob into Damon’s chest.

“I’m so sorry baby, please forgive me.” Damon mumbles.

My heart thumps in my chest, breaking me down. Oh God, this pain is too raw, it’s too deep. I can’t take it. I look around at all the people surrounding me but none of them have faces. They’re just blurry like they were the first time I had to let Pops go. 

The coffin has curtains slowly closing around it now, shutting my pops away. I stand, not wanting him to go.

“No, daddy, no,” I scream trying to break away from Damon’s hold so I can get to my pops. I smack at his hands, trying to get him off me, but he doesn’t let go.

“Beauty, you need to sit down. It’s time to let go of the past.  It’s time to be free, baby.”

I can’t listen to him, I can’t believe he wants me to let go. I don’t want to give up my daddy again. I can’t do it. I need him here with me.

“Please daddy, please don’t go. I’m not ready. I need you.” I fall to my knees and try to crawl away from Damon, and towards my pops.

“Ella you have to let go of him. It’s time baby,” Damon says, trying to pull me back into his arms.

“Fuck you,” I scream at him. How can he expect me to give up my pops? Does he not understand how much I need my dad? 

“Get off me, let me go,” I cry. “Please Damon. Please let me go.” He doesn’t.

A scream rings out again and when I look towards the noise this time I see Lydia. I suck in a shocked gasp. It’s not possible, she’s dead. She can’t be at my wedding.

“Lydia,” I cry and try to take a step to her, but Damon holds me back. “Damon let me go,” I demand, but he doesn’t. Instead he pulls me behind him like he’s protecting me from her. Is he crazy? I don’t need protection from my sister.

I struggle to break free so I can go to her, then I hear Lydia speak. The entire church has gone silent and the faceless people are watching the scene unfold in front of them.

“You did this, you bitch. You’ve ruined everything. Damon is mine,” she screams before rushing towards us. “I’ll kill you. I’ll fucking kill you, you bitch.”  I cry out as I take in her words.

“I didn’t mean to. Lyd I’m so sorry,” I try to get out but she’s not listening to me,(period) she’s not hearing what I’m saying. She just continues screaming at me.

“You’ve taken him from me.” I’ve never seen Lydia this angry at me before, never seen her so enraged. “You can’t have him.”

“I’m sorry, Lyds. I’m so sorry,”

“Ella,” Damon says.

“I’m sorry. Please forgive me.”

“Ella, wake up baby. It’s just a dream.” I shoot up in bed as Damon’s words sink in. It was a dream? It seemed so real.

“Damon?” I question, trying to get my sleep filled brain to function, to understand what happened. “It was just a dream?” I ask him in a small voice.

“It was baby. You’re okay, I’ve got you.”

I cry into his chest as he holds me, dark thoughts swirl around in my head, making confusion put more doubts in my life. Was that Lydia telling me I’m bad for being with Damon? Is she letting me know I’ve betrayed her in the worst way possible?

“Talk to me baby,” Damon says softly. I gasp for breath, trying to calm down, and my brain is a muddled mess. I don’t know what to make of my dream.

“I don’t... I... it was just a dream, Damon,” I choke. I don’t know what to say. This is not the time to tell him about my past, and who I am. I know I won’t get away without talking about my dream. I’ll have to give him something, but I need to be careful about what I reveal.

I’m not ready for him to hate me.

“It was about my daddy,” I whisper as tears flows. “It was his burial again. I have it sometimes, and each time is like the first time. It never hurts less.” I hear Damon’s breath catch. I’ve never spoken to him about my family before. I’ve never opened up this side of myself to him, but I know it’s time to let him see a little.

“I’m so sorry baby,” he whispers. Damon’s voice is hoarse, so I pull away from his chest at look into his warm chocolate eyes. He looks in pain, like my pain is his pain, and it makes me love him a little bit more.

“He would have liked you, I think.” I smile a watery smile at him. My pops was so protective of me and would say he’d scare off any man who came sniffing, but I know if he met Damon and saw the way he is with me, he would approve.

“He was protective, overly so sometimes, but it’s only because he loved me.” I swallow hard. “They said he fell asleep behind the wheel.” I feel Damon pull back to look at me more clearly.

“And you don’t?” he asks with a frown.

“I don’t know,” I sigh. I don’t want to lie anymore. I have enough lies to reveal without adding more to them. “I don’t think he would fall asleep behind the wheel. I know... I knew my pops was all about safety. He wouldn’t have gotten behind the wheel if he was tired. I know he wouldn’t have. He was always safe.”

“Beauty,” Damon whispers. “I’m so sorry baby.”

“They wouldn’t listen to me. I tried to tell them he wouldn’t have fallen asleep. I tried to tell them to check the car but they didn’t listen to me. I was just a silly sixteen year old, not worth paying attention to, and certainly not important to their investigation,” I say bitterly. I’m rambling now, words tumbling out my mouth, sharing my life with Pops with Damon.

“He was the best daddy. I miss him so much,” I cry. Letting my grief out is becoming easier but it never gets easy to speak of it, to remember my pain. It feels just as raw now as it did all those years ago.

“If I hurt myself he would pick me up, spin me around until I laughed, and then he’d tell me princesses shouldn’t cry, they always have to be happy. He made me happy.” Damon doesn’t speak, he just holds me. “No one could make me happy like Pops did.”

“I can.”

“You do.”

“I always will beauty.”

“I love you,” I tell him through my slowing tears.

“Do you? How do you know Ella? You’ve never been in love before. How can you be sure this is real?” Damon asks. His words shock me. He sounds unsure of my feelings for him.

“Damon,” I whisper. “I know what it feels like not to have you in my life and I hated it. Only love hurts like this. Nothing hurts as much as love does. Nothing hurts more than losing your heart.”

“Baby–” Damon’s voice is hoarse again.

“Your love is beautiful Damon. It doesn’t hurt to love you, it hurts to lose that love, and it hurts not to have your love.”

“You have it baby. My love won’t hurt you again, I promise you. You’re my forever. You will never lose my love.” His words are said with such determination that I break down again. I could lose him, when he knows the truth I could. “I’m going to marry you, Ella. I’m keeping you.”

“Please don’t leave me Damon. I’ve never had a mum, my dad was taken, and my–” I cut myself off, I’m desperate for him to stay with me, so desperate that I nearly spoke about Lydia. “Don’t leave me.”

“Never, baby.”

I cry in his arms until my tears run dry. When I’m calm enough Damon carries me into the shower and cares for me, treating me like a precious gem.    

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR

AUGUST 27
TH
2014

Today I said I would go wedding dress shopping but I’m regretting that decision already. This would be so much more exciting if I had some family with me. All this day is to me is a big kick in the gut. It makes me realise just how alone I am.

If Lydia was here she would be with me right now. If my mum didn’t leave us then she would be here. Hell, even if it was just my pops here he would be with me.

I miss them so much.

I’ve been sitting in my car for the last ten minutes, ready to head to the bridal store but I can’t seem to get myself to start the car.

I have no family.

I have no friends.

I’m alone.

Tears flood my eyes, my throat constricts, and my heart thumps in my chest. Why does nothing ever come easy for me? I lost everything, and now I’ve finally got something to live for, the darkness tries creeping back in to take over.

My jellybean is the only light in my dark world at the minute, but even that isn’t enough to take away the hurt and pain of my losses. My hand rests against my rounded stomach, hoping to rid myself of the blackness sinking in.

I take a deep breath. I can do this. I don’t need anyone with me. I’ve lived alone long enough now that I should be used to being by myself, but I’m not. Try as I might, my efforts to rid the pain presently consuming my soul aren’t successful.

My tears flow and my heart tears apart again. Damon manages to take this pain inside me away just by being near but he’s not, he’s at work whilst I’m supposed to pick out a wedding dress. This day is meant to be every girl’s dream, but it feels more like a nightmare.

I want my pops, but not just for today. I want to share this whole experience with him. I want him to walk me down the aisle, to have him hold me in a father-daughter dance. I want him to meet his grandchild, to hold and love my jellybean as much as I already do. None of that is possible though. He’s not here, and he’s never going to be here again.

Waves of loneliness overwhelm me, pulling me under until I can’t breathe. I bury my head in my hands and sob for dreams that can never be.

After letting myself grieve for my pops for a few minutes, I collect myself and remember who I am. I am Ella Knight and I am in control of my life, and my future. I just have to get this experience out the way and I can look forward to my future again. I can lock the pain away forever.

****

I'm standing outside Wedding Belles working up the courage to go in. My hand has reached for the door at least ten times and each time I haven’t quite made it. I don’t know what’s stopping me. All I know is the thought of having to do this alone turns my stomach.

I never thought I would ever get married, and the fact that I am, and I’m on my own with no one to support me makes me shake in fear. 

Picking out a wedding dress is every girl’s dream. For me it’s my worst nightmare. The thought of having to go in there and do this on my own makes me want to turn around and run.

I just want to marry Damon. I don’t need a fancy dress to show the world I love him, and I don’t need to prove my love to anyone, but I know this is what he and his family want.

Damon tells me I need this, and that I deserve this, but I’m not so sure.

I turn around but before I have taken a step away from the door, it swings open and a very enthusiastic shopkeeper comes bounding out. She takes my arm and pulls me into the store.

“You must be Ella,” she proclaims in a sing song voice that is entirely too happy. I realise she is waiting for me to answer as she is standing and smiling at me like I'm the biggest slice of cake and she has been on a diet for a year.

“Yes, I'm Ella. How did you know?” She rolls her eyes and gives me a huge smile before replying. “Dhaaallling, it's my job to know. Your fiancé called and said you would be arriving soon. As soon as I saw you I knew you must be the blushing bride. No ordinary girl could capture Mr. Hunt’s heart.” I nod my head as she ushers me through to another room. “Your party is awaiting you, just go on through. There is champagne.” She looks down at my slightly rounded stomach before continuing, “Of course there is also orange juice for you. Your fiancé informed us of your pregnancy.” I smile and make my way through the doors, not knowing what to expect, and not sure she’s right. I have no one meeting me here.

This woman is crazy.

As soon as I round the corner I spot Flora, Lacy, and Sofia. And white, so much white.

Lacy moves towards me and pulls me into a hug, a move that moves and stuns me at the same time. I'm not used to receiving affection without playing games to get it, and it’s taking some getting used to, but I can’t say I don’t love it. I really do. It’s nice having people who care again.

I'm passed around to Sofia and then Flora, who holds me at arm’s length to look at me before pulling me in for a motherly hug. I always crave and miss parental hugs, and I hold on for a little longer than I would have normally, not wanting to break the contact.

Emotions inside me are a swirling mess. I know I'm more sensitive because I'm pregnant but I feel like I want to burst into tears.

I feel so overwhelmed.

I finally have real friends in Lacy and Sofia because they like me. Not because I'm using them to get to the next step in whatever plan I have come up with, but because they really like me.

I'm lost in my thoughts when I feel a hand on my arm pulling me in the direction of the changing room.

When we are inside I'm told to strip down to my underwear which I hastily do, then the lady who I now know is Sonya starts firing questions at me at a million miles an hour. My heart pounds as I listen to all my options.

“So Ella, what type of dress do you want? We can go with A line, chapel, knee length, floor length, white, ivory, cream... the list is endless.” I have no idea what she is talking about, and I shut her out as she rambles on with more materials, designs, and colours.

I don’t know what dress I want. Thoughts of weddings have never really occupied my mind. It’s too much to take in and I feel like my head is swimming with information. Why does this have to be so complicated? Why do I feel like I can’t breathe? I sit down on the bench and rest my head in my hands, trying to steady my breathing, before Sonya even notices something is wrong.

It's not working. The changing room is getting smaller, and panic hits me full force. I have no idea what I'm doing. It's too much, I can’t calm down. I slump to the floor trying to control my breathing, as tears sting behind my eyes. I feel lost, and I don’t know what to do. I need Damon. I need to hear his voice.

I reach for my bag but I remember I didn’t bring it with me. It’s outside in the waiting room. I look around for Sonya but realise I'm all alone, and a sob escapes my throat.

I feel arms come around me and when I open my eyes I see that Flora is kneeling beside me and has pulled me to her in a hug. She rubs my hair while trying to soothe me, speaking soft words in my ear. Being this close to her starts to calm me. Damon is so much like his mother, and now I know where he gets this side of him, the caring, nurturing side. 

After a few minutes my sobbing subsides, and now I feel embarrassed that I'm sitting here, crying in my underwear, while my future mother in-law tries to soothe me.

“It's okay to be afraid, Ella. I know this can't be easy. I know what you saw looked really bad and I’d be as mad as hell too, but she kissed him and not the other way around dear. My son pushed that nasty piece of work away from him. Never will that ever happen again. You hear me? He loves you Elle, just you sweetheart.”

“How do you know about that?” I ask in shock. I wanted to tell his family. At first I wanted to hurt him, but then I knew I couldn’t do that. Who would have told her, Damon or Leona? It can only be one of them.

“When you spent that month apart Damon was like a bear with a sore paw. He was horrible to be around. I asked him what happened, what went wrong and if it was fixable. Damon told me he didn’t deserve you. I disagreed with him, as only a mother could, and he told me about the kiss. He was a mess and I asked him why he felt it was his choice to decide if he was good enough for you, and that should be your decision to make, not his.” She gives me a soft smile. “It was bad what they did to you Ella, and I know its Damon’s biggest regret, but I also know how much he loves you. He would never do that again.” I know that so I shake my head at her before she can continue. 

“It's not that. I have forgiven him for that. It was a stupid mistake. I just wish my sister and pops could be here. I feel so lost without them sometimes. I don’t know who I am anymore.” Another sob erupts from me. I hadn’t meant to say that to Flora. I didn’t want her pity.

“Ella, I know who you are. You’re a kind, generous and beautiful woman. One who I am lucky enough to be gaining as a daughter. I have seen what you have done for Damon. You have brought the light back into his eyes, a light I thought was lost. I can never thank you enough for giving me back my son dear. Somehow it’s easier for him to cope with whatever demons he’s always been fighting. You have made them easier to fight. He loves you so much darling girl, so please don’t ever feel like you are alone, because you have a family.” She places her hand on my stomach “You have this child who will fill you with so much love and pride you won’t ever feel like you’re alone again, and you have all us Hunts and those ladies out there waiting to see you in a dress.”

Flora's words are just what I need to hear, just what I need to gain my strength. Standing up, I look in the mirror. My hand is where it always is now, protectively over my bump. Flora is right. I already do love my baby more than I thought possible, and I’m already loved.

“What is lovely never dies, but passes into other loveliness. Your family is here Ella.” Placing her hand on my heart she lets me know what she means.

I’m not alone anymore.

“Here, take this,” Flora says as she hands me a tissue so I can wipe my face. “I'm just going to find that happy lady and tell her you’re ready to try on the first dress.” She smiles at me knowingly, letting me know that she thinks the saleslady is crazy too.

I take a deep breath as I clean up my face, and wait for the overenthusiastic crazy lady to return. When she does, she pushes a rack of dresses in the room. As I browse, only one dress catches my attention. It’s a champagne coloured lace dress, strapless with a cream lace overlay, and champagne ribbon belted around the waist. It’s perfect. It’s elegant. It’s the one.

I pull it off the rack and already have more tears filling my eyes. I’m so emotional, and with the dream I had last night my feelings are all over the place.

I step into a frilly underskirt first before she lifts the dress over my head and fastens me in. The band of ribbon rests just above my bump, so when the material falls to the floor, it’s obvious I'm pregnant and not fat.

I stare at my reflection and my pulse races as my tears rain down again. Sonya takes a step back, a look of concern on her face.

“I'm fine, don’t worry. I'm happy, these are happy tears. It’s just so beautiful.” I run my fingers over the delicate material. It looks old, vintage. I never thought I could love a dress so much.

Sonya comes over with a pair of ivory heels which I slip on my feet. I quickly pull my hair loose so it hangs down over my shoulders, and then change my mind and twist it up into a messy bun, before she places a veil on my head.

Taking a deep breath, she pulls back the curtain and I walk out to the watery eyes of Flora, Sofia and Lacy, who are all crying, which makes me cry harder. Arrrrggghhh. Stupid pregnancy hormones. I really need to get myself together.

We all huddle round in a group hug, and I can’t stop the smile on my face.

I'm marrying Damon Hunt and I couldn’t be happier.