Wasting Away (24 page)

Mary
finally broke the silence. “There are going to be a lot of them, aren’t there?”
she asked.

I
looked at her questioningly.

“We’re
going to find the same thing everywhere,” she said. “When the dead rose, a lot
of people did the same thing as that man in there.”

“Yeah,”
I replied, lowering my head.

“As
much as I thought about it, I would never have actually gone through with it,”
she said. “It was always just a passing thought. You know, if there just wasn’t
any other way out, if things got too bad, I could always fall back on that
single thought.”

“I
think about it every day,” I replied.

“You’ve
thought about it even since we’ve been together?”

“You’re
the only reason I haven’t already done it,” I said. “I lived through this mind
numbing haze for so long to realize I was actually just looking for my wife. I
became driven to find her, to put an end to the nightmares. And when I found
her and killed her, my purpose died with her.”

“What
about all of those lofty ideas about changing the world?” she asked. “I know
you think it’s too big for you to handle, but if you take it one step at a
time, give it your best, you can become that dream.”

I
pained through a smile. “The more I see, the less I’m able to find value in any
of this. What’s left after the world turned its eyes away from the living?
We’ve seen the type of person who managed to survive.”

“Are
you talking about the man back at the church?”

“Yeah,”
I answered. “The type of person that lives through this is the same type of
person who has lost concern for anyone else. The most selfish people survived
this.” I shook my head at the thought. “Think about it, Mary. If someone
survived this it’s because they stayed away from other people. They turned a
blind eye to what was happening and put their own lives first. They lived
because they had given up on compassion.”

“Or
maybe they were just afraid,” she said.

“That’s
a possibility too,” I agreed. “Either way, true survivors aren’t going to
reshape the world. They will fend for themselves - they will go on living
because they’re smart enough to know that death comes in numbers. If every one
of these fucking things drop dead tomorrow, the world is left with a population
of selfish assholes and others who were just too afraid to make a move. What
kind of future is in that?”

“
Our
future,” she replied, her voice a dull scrape on the wind.

I
said nothing.

She
shifted next to me. Her gaze lowered on my leg and slowly worked up to my face.
“Let’s get one thing straight,” she said. “The only reason I came with you is
because I saw hope in what you told me. I found something about you that I
could relate to. And since we’ve been together, I have learned to trust you.
I’ve even grown to like you. So if we’re going to get through this, you need to
drop the ‘woe is me’ shit and get to the point. Either you want to survive this
with me or not. There are no two ways about it.”

I
was shocked. I had never heard her take that type of tone before. “I …”

“Just
shut up and listen,” she barked.

I
leaned back against the building and took a deep breath.

“This
idea of changing the world for the better is totally possible, but it happens
with you and me first. If we find others, then fine, we’ll deal with it when
the time comes. But for now,
we’re
the only ones that matter. It’s just
you and me out here. So get a fucking grip.”

I
nodded. “You’re right.”

“I
don’t want to hear any bullshit …” She paused. “Wait, what?”

“I
said you’re right.”

“Oh,”
she stammered.

“I’m
being an ass and I’m sorry. There’s just so much shit going on in my head right
now.  Every time I turn around there’s death, staring me down. It’s everywhere.
It’s got us cornered in another fucking apartment complex and it’s like we’ve
went full circle. It’s like we’re hopelessly repeating the same thing over and
over again.

On
top of that, I’ve started to realize I have feelings for you and that scares the
hell out of me. When you were out here under the tree, sleeping, I watched you
for a while. I know it sounds creepy, but I did it and caught myself. I watched
you and you looked so peaceful there. In a way, I envy that. And I’m afraid
that you’re stronger than me.”

She
touched my leg. “I’m not stronger than you,” she said. “This is all so new to
me. I have no idea what I’m doing out here. I don’t know the first thing about
what you’ve been through. I’ve heard all the words, but I’ll never really know
what it felt like.” She brushed my thigh and turned, staring up at the clouds
again. “It’s funny how people are brought together. It makes me think that
there is some higher power, guiding the way, some all knowing energy setting
the wheels into motion. How many random events did it take to bring you home
and out to the edge of the freeway in a part of town no one in their right mind
would go to, just to find me?  As much as it seemed like an accident, it also
seemed to be destined to happen.”

I
nodded in agreement.

She
continued. “And maybe, if all that is true, we were meant to be sitting here,
right now, trying to figure it all out. It’s as if the universe had to conspire
to make all of this happen.”

“I
hate to think that the world had to end so you and I could meet,” I said with a
smile.

She
returned with a grin. “But maybe the world had to end so we could recognize
each other in all this mess.”

She
touched the back of my neck and I leaned in closer to her. Her breath was hot
on my cheek. Her hand was quivering. My heart thumped loudly as our lips met. A
whirl of realization hit me and I looked at her.

“My
God, I almost missed it,” I said.

“What,
the moment?” She scrunched up her face and smiled.

“No,
no,” I said, excitedly. “I know where we can go!”

“What
are you talking about?”

“The
other day, you asked me where I was before I met you. You know, before we went
into your room and you held me. I didn’t want to ruin the moment, and in all
reality, it was just to find you, but I had been at the military base. That’s
where we’ll go!”

“But
you said it had been overrun with the dead.”

“Yeah,
the first time I was there,” I replied. “But when I went back, before I found
you, there was an area I trekked along the freeway. I saw these mounds of dirt
along a valley and got curious. There are dozens of small shelters there, a few
larger ones too, set back in the hillside. That’s where we can go, Mary.”

“Wait
a minute, you’re going too fast,” she said. “Let me get this straight, before
you found me, you returned to the base and found these bunkers and you waited
until now to tell me?”

“It
totally slipped my mind,” I replied. “I had told you about finding my wife. I
was so stuck in that portion of the story that I forgot about the base.”

“Why
didn’t you didn’t stay there?” she asked, shaking her head. “Those places are
usually stocked up pretty good, aren’t they?”

“I
couldn’t get in,” I answered. “They’re locked up pretty tight. But if we go
back, we could check the base and maybe find a way to get in.”

She
bit her bottom lip and thought for a moment. “I said I would follow you, and I
will. If that’s where you think we should go, I’m in. But only if you’re
absolutely positive.”

“I
am,” I replied. “Like you said, those places are usually stocked up pretty
well. We might be able to wait this thing out.”

Chapter 22

That
night, we stayed in one of the apartments.

I
emptied the toilet tanks and boiled the water on a propane barbeque outside to
use for sponge baths. Mary waited patiently in the shower, using the curtain to
hide herself from me as I brought in a bucket of water. The shy look on her
face made me smile as she peeked around the corner.

“Just
leave it on the floor,” she said. “No sneak-peak for you.”

I
laughed. “It’s not like we’re going to see each other naked in a few minutes
anyway.”

“Stop
trying to ruin the moment,” she said. “I want our first time to be special.”

“All
right,” I replied, sheepishly.

“Now
go get cleaned up,” she said, pulling the curtain against the tile.

I
felt like a kid again. All the anticipation was getting the better of me. I
went back outside and boiled a pail of water for myself, thinking about what it
was going to be like, making love after all this time.

Sex
changes things. It takes a perfectly good relationship and piles up emotions so
you no longer think clearly. I once heard someone say that being in love is
just like being sick with the flu. In a way, it’s true. Every woman I’ve loved
has had the same effect on me. I get all weird and have silly thoughts. I try
to figure out what it is they see in me, why they suddenly find me attractive,
why they want to take the next step. I overanalyze the entire situation.

Eventually
it all simmers down and we’re left there in the darkness, trying to figure out
how we fit into the grand scheme of things. We become intimate and let our
guard down. That’s the part that scares me. It’s when all the fuzzy feelings
subside and you truly find out what you mean to each other. I have ruined
perfectly good friendships by being myself. 

I
went into another apartment, placed the pail in the tub, and took off my
clothes. I used a bar of soap from the sink and scrubbed myself with a washrag.
The dirt pooled beneath me, thin trails of black swirled down the drain and
everything became clear.

I
hadn’t told Mary about the bunkers because I had never thought we’d make it
that far. It seemed that everyone I had come to know would eventually go away.
I would put myself out there and they would see who I truly was and be done
with me. Whether it was my wife, finding someone else to be with, someone else
to comfort her or Constance, just running away when I let out too much of
myself, it always seemed to end badly.

But
Mary was different. She had seen me at my worst. I had opened myself up to her
and instead of running the other way she embraced me and all of my faults. I
had done the same with her. I knew what she had been through with her husband.
I knew she held herself back for him, that she was much stronger than he was.
She had come out of her shell for me, and I for her.

And
all of the time we spent getting to know each other didn’t taint what we felt.
It was leading up to this very moment.

From
the medicine cabinet, I pulled out a shaving kit and trimmed off my beard. The
shaving cream was cool against my skin as I ran the razor along my cheek. I
could smell the menthol waft up as I rinsed away what remained.

I
found a robe behind the bathroom door and put it on. I glanced at myself in the
mirror on the way out and smirked. The image was familiar. I knew this man. He
was who I used to be before all this happened. He saw innocence in the world
around him. He saw hope for a future. He was ready to start fresh with clean
eyes and gaze out upon a new chapter in his life. I finally saw myself in that
reflection and my smirk turned into a smile.

As
I went for the door to meet with Mary, something caught my eye on the end table
by the couch. It was just a flicker of light, but it made me turn. There sat a
set of keys with the
Ford
emblem on the ring. I remembered the truck in
the parking lot and grabbed the ring and placed it in one of the pouches on my
pack before I left.

Mary
lay in bed in the other apartment. She wore a negligee with lace trim. Her head
rested on her hand and she bit her bottom lip when she saw me enter the room.

“You
look so different,” she said, staring up at me.

“Without
the beard?” I asked.

She
nodded and I stared at her, running my eyes up along the curves of her body.

A
flash of embarrassment edged along her eyes and she looked away. “It’s not too
much, is it?” she asked, looking down at the lingerie. “I found it in the
dresser.”

“No,”
I stuttered. “It’s perfect.”

I
leaned over her and kissed her cheek. My heart thumped in my chest and a knot
formed in my throat. I touched her neck and ran my fingers down to her chest.
Her skin glowed in the light that trailed across the bed from the window. The
silk parted and fell to the bed, revealing a single breast. Her nipple, pink
and probing, stood out from the milk white of her skin. I pulled the negligee
away to reveal her other breast and cupped it lightly. The soft flesh of her
lips parted and our tongues touched, gleaning from side to side, curious and
timid.

She
thrust her hips into mine and wrapped her arms around me. I could feel the heat
between her legs and the coursing breath against my neck.