Watching Yute (49 page)

Step after step dragged her along the
path. Off to the side, she saw the spot where Marcus liked to
meditate. Crazy old man. What was he like before the ghost? Aside
from his 'eccentricity', he seemed pretty okay with the ghost.
Maybe it was well intentioned after all.

Step after step. She took her time,
trying to enjoy the feel of the sandy path under her boots, the
warmth of the sun, and the quiet. It would be her last, after
all.

She would have given Cipriana a long
hug if it didn't risk blowing her cover. Hell, a kiss too. And that
busybody Maxine. And she should have gone to see Jim one more time
too. A lot of people. Oh well, it wouldn't matter for
long.

Step after step. She passed by that
carved stump again. For all the labour put into its detail, it was
no more useful that the massive stone version in the
temple.

Step after step. The camp got closer
and closer. Calling her home, almost. She came to the clearing, and
reached out for the nearest piece of ruin. It was the piece she had
shot before. She could feel the back end of the bullet. It still
seemed comfortable in there.

She walked on and grazed her hand
across Cheryl's mural. She remembered watching Cheryl paint, and
copied the brush motion with her hand, wanting to feel her. A
burning tear dragged its way down her cheek.

She was gone. She was gone. And nothing
was going to change that. For all the justice that had been served,
it couldn't bring Cheryl back. What good was any of it?

The tent flap graciously accepted her.
Inside, it was a different kind of warm. It was Cheryl's warmth. It
was a little darker inside.

She pulled Cheryl's sleeping bag over,
and got in. She stared at the top of the tent, trying not to
remember the nightmares. Only the dreams, and the good
times.

The sweetest memories mocked her the
cruelest. She grabbed at the sleeping bag's material, and tried to
hold it against herself. The burning tears kept coming.

The uncomfortable convenience she wore
on her hip reminded her of why she was here. She took a deep
breath, held the pendant in her hand, and kissed her engagement
ring.

Cassidy didn't have any strong beliefs
in any afterlife. She didn't promise herself that she'd soon be
with Cheryl. She only knew that Cheryl wasn't here.

She slowly pulled the handgun from the
holster. She felt it drag along with the same attention she had
given to the sand and the sun. She wanted to examine every one of
her final sensations. She almost giggled when she realized that her
last meal was a fucking frozen ration.

The gun felt efficient. A precisely
crafted piece of engineering. She had always hated guns. They were
too convenient. As it turned out, she should have been hating
knives all along. Now she had a favour to ask of this gun. She took
the holster off, and threw it out of the sleeping bag. She cuddled
up on her side, and aimed the gun at her face. She looked down the
barrel.

How innocent it looked. A remarkable
absence of malice. It was clean and smooth in its details. She
primed a round into the chamber, slowly and with unnecessarily
deliberate care. She released the safety with the same purposeful
attention.

With tears cooling on her face, she
moistened her lips. “Kiss me.” she whispered. Her breathing was
deep. Not with fear, but with anticipation. She opened her mouth,
and put end of the barrel in. For a moment, she bit down softly on
it. That didn't make sense. The automatic's action might foul
things up somehow if she was biting down on it. It probably
wouldn't matter, but it might.

She imagined the sound of the gun going
off, and how she might look after. The thought of the revolting red
result was in its own way, incredibly seductive. It would be so
quiet after. So peaceful.

Being one squeeze away from her end
felt very liberating. She was free already. She wanted to savour
the feeling. It almost felt like love. It was the best thing she
had felt since Cheryl died. The closest she'd been to
freedom.

Cheryl didn't get to feel this. It made
Cassidy almost want a slower, more painful death. How long did it
take Cheryl to die? Damn it, why didn't she take Horad's head off
when she had the chance? It didn't matter now. It was all over, her
job was done, she could rest. It was time to rest.

She kissed the barrel.

“
Cheryl...” she called out
softly.

“
Cassidy!” Cipriana burst
into the tent. Cassidy fumbled to hide the gun, but Cipriana
grabbed it out of her hands too quickly.

“
Cip! I...”

Cipriana knelt down in the tent,
gripping the gun, one hand on the handle, one on the barrel. She
angrily and silently stared into Cassidy's eyes. She was shaking.
They stared at each other for a long time. Cassidy wiped her eyes,
and just kept breathing, waiting for Cipriana to stop staring at
her like that. Cip looked so angry that Cassidy half-expected a
beating.

Cipriana finally broke the silence,
screaming, “WHAT THE FUCK, CASSIDY?!” She hurled the gun out of the
tent, then locked her glare back on Cassidy.

Cassidy just kept looking back at her.
What was there to say? There was little mistaking what she was
about to do. There was no reason to explain her reasons. What did
Cipriana want her to say? Why did she have to butt in? It would
have all been over by now.

“
What the fuck are you
thinking, you stupid, stupid bitch?!” She was crying. Cassidy had
seen Cipriana cry before, but the anger? That was new. “Damn it,
Cassidy, it's not enough I lose Marcus and Cheryl, you have to go
blow your fucking head off? What's that going to fix?”

“
I just...”

“
Stop it! Just stop it. Come
with me.”

“
Cip, I really
don't-”

Cipriana reached out and grabbed
Cassidy's wrist and proceeded to drag her forcibly out of the tent.
Cassidy stumbled, trying to get loose from the sleeping bag as
Cipriana kept pulling.

“
Where are we
going?”

Cipriana's voice replied in sharp,
seething syllables. “The shift changed a little while ago, come
on.”

“
What? I don't have a shift
today.”

“
And I'm not on until
tonight. We're going to look at the road.”

“
Why?”

Without further conversation, they
stopped once they were close enough to see people walking back to
base. Six who just got off shift, and a few friends who had gone to
walk them back.

Cipriana pointed at them “See that man
in the front?”

“
Yeah, I can't see who it is
from here through.”

“
Do you know who he lost
recently?!”

Cassidy hadn't heard of it. “Who? A
family member?”

Cipriana grabbed Cassidy's wrist hard.
“Yes, he lost family! He lost Cheryl and Marcus. See the two
walking along behind him?”

Cassidy sighed, and Cipriana yelled,
“They lost Cheryl and Marcus! That man there? He lost Cheryl and
Marcus! All of us lost Cheryl and Marcus, and we all loved them!”
She threw Cassidy's wrist free, and clenched her fists. “Just
because you were so perfectly in love with her, it doesn't give you
the right to take...” Her voice broke into quiet sobs, “you can't
take Cassidy from us!”

Cassidy crouched down, and held her
head in her hands. “I know... I know I'm not the only one in any
kind of pain, Cip, but isn't it my life? To do what I want with? I
don't have that right?”

Cipriana stood in front of Cassidy, and
started opening the fly on her pants.

“
Uh... Cip? If you wanted to
turn me on, your pickup lines could use some work, because
the-”

Cassidy's confusion was only increased
as Cipriana's pants fell down around her legs, revealing old, but
large scars on the inner sides of both her thighs. She let Cassidy
see them for a while, then pulled her pants back up, and sat down
beside her. She folded her arms across her knees, and rested her
head, face down. “Stupid. Selfish.” she muttered. “Both of
us.”

“
What... what
happened?”

Cipriana sighed, but didn't look up.
“My father was very important to me. He's why I joined the army.
Following in his footsteps. He... heart attack. No one saw it
coming. He was healthy and strong. Then, it just happened, and he
was gone.” she sighed, and lifted her head to look at
Cassidy.

“
I got myself quite drunk,
so I wouldn't feel the knife.” She inhaled sharply, trying not to
cry. “There was still a lot of pain. A lot. I bled, and I bled, and
I bled, and I slept.”

Cassidy put her arms around Cipriana,
and Cipriana continued. “It was only when I woke up in the
hospital, with my mother sitting by the bed, that I realized how
selfish it was. Guess who helped me through that mess?”

“
Your mom, huh?”

Cipriana chuckled though her tears.
“She tried. She was just too... too 'mother' for me to really hear
her, you know? It was my father's best friend. Marcus.”

Cassidy released Cipriana, and sat
back, resting on her arms. “Cip, damn. Ha. You just blew my
mind.”

Cipriana chuckled again. “Good ole'
'uncle' Marcus. We always thought it was funny when people
speculated about us being in love. Our little private joke. One
thing he said back then that stuck with me: Our lives are not our
own. He meant we also belong to all our loved ones. You have to be
aware of how others care.

Cassidy stared into Cipriana's eyes for
a while. She was so beautiful. Cassidy couldn't help remembering a
couple times when Cheryl had teasingly accused her of having a
crush on Cipriana. “Hey, Cip. The other big mystery about you is
still unanswered.” She joked.

Cipriana laughed. “I'm straight! You
know that.”

“
Yeah, that would just be
too convenient if you weren't.” Cassidy chuckled. “I'm not that
serious, it's just that kind of moment. I've been giving you a lot
of hugs lately, and then you dropped your pants, and well... it
gets a gal confused, you understand.”

Cipriana forced a smile, and nodded big
slow nods. “Understandable.” Both of them had dried their tears.
“Alright, Cassidy. Come back to base with me.”

Cassidy sighed. She wanted to go back
to the tent, even if just to sleep, but she knew Cipriana wouldn't
allow that. “Yeah, alright. We should pick up that gun. If one of
those aeki lizards gets a hold of a weapon, we're all doomed.” She
stood up, and put out her hand to help Cipriana up.

“
I'll be sending it back to
Nafim's unit. We don't need it here.”

“
Are you going to call that
damned counselor on me or something?”

They started walking, and Cipriana
thought. “No. Maybe I should, but no. However, you're my partner
for the watch from now on. I'm keeping a close eye on you for a
while. And I'm taking apart that camp.”

That hurt. It was fair though. Cassidy
nodded, wagering that Cheryl's mural would at least
survive.

~~~

The afternoon watch went on as it ever
did. Eventually, the tours were to start again. Soon, but not yet.
Cassidy and Cipriana stood at the top doorway, with the statue
nearby.

It was all the same, except different.
Cipriana wasn't generally one for idle chit chat, but Cassidy
didn't feel the need to. More than anyone else still on the base,
she considered Cipriana family. A sister.

The stains of blood nearby were long
ago scrubbed away, but Cassidy's eyes drifted from time to time, to
the spot where Cheryl had died. It wasn't too uncommon that she
would stare at the spot, and drift off into her own
mind.

“
Cassidy.” Cipriana would
say when she noticed. Cassidy made eye contact, and sighed,
fortifying her resolve. She wondered why Cipriana had chosen this
post for them. It couldn't be especially easy for Cipriana
either.

“
You're visiting Cheryl's
parents soon?”

Cassidy nodded. “I feel kind of odd
about it. I know I'm welcome and all, but I don't know what else to
talk about. They don't need to hear me whine about Cheryl, that's
for damned sure. I'm not sure why they'd want to see
me.”

“
Maybe they see you as a
reminder.”

“
That's my point! I don't
think they need extra reminding!”

Cipriana smiled softly. “That's not
what I mean. If they get to know you, they will know that their
daughter was happy.”

Cassidy looked down and smirked,
fighting back tears. “Cip, you suck.” she giggled.

“
Be glad to have known her
while she was here.”

Cassidy rolled her eyes slightly.
“Better to have loved and lost, huh?” It sounded more than a little
empty. She sighed, and stared into nowhere.

Time ticked away uncounted as the shift
wore on. Little else was said, nor needed to be. The sun melted
below the horizon, with its slow amber kiss goodnight.

Maxine and Jim walked up the steps.
“Alright, you two. It's our turn. Give us the pointy sticks.”
Cassidy and Cipriana handed over their spears.