Waterfalls (12 page)

Two years ago at Christmas—or was it three?—Aunt Jane had given Meredith two matching umbrella hats. These were not hats to be worn in the rain but rather sun umbrella hats. They fit snugly on the head and sported a colorful striped umbrella that fanned out like a psychedelic mushroom. They were great for laughs, and Meri actually wore one of them while working in the garden. It served its purpose well. But then, nobody saw her wearing it.

Meredith tore at the packing tape with her car keys and wondered what catalog her aunt had found this hummer in. It was double wrapped and was posing a problem on the front porch. Meredith kicked the big box into the house and scooted it over to the living-room floor. She would wrestle the beast later, after she brought the perishable groceries inside.

Since it was her birthday dinner, Meredith had selected all her favorites. She had bought fresh pasta, her all-time favorite food. An Italian restaurant near the ferry terminal sold fresh pasta by the pound. Meri picked up fettuccine and herb-and-garlic linguine. She bought some of their fresh marinara dip and mozzarella sticks for an appetizer. She would make the Alfredo sauce herself right before Helen arrived.

The item she was most concerned about in the grocery bags was the raspberry cheesecake from a little restaurant called Rondi’s, which was located on the other side of the island. She brought that box in and refrigerated it right away. No number candles would perch on the top of this cheesecake, and no waxy frosting would stick to the roof of her mouth. This might not be such a bad birthday after all.

Once Meri had put away all the groceries and checked her voice mail, she returned to the living room ready to see what
Aunt Jane had sent. Slicing the tape carefully with a kitchen knife, Meredith peeled back the first layer and found a big card from Aunt Jane taped with duct tape to the gift-wrapped box.

“Happy Birthday, Meredith Jane,” it said on the outside envelope. Aunt Jane liked to remind Meredith that she had inherited
Jane
as her middle name. When Meredith was younger, the family would tease her after she had pulled one of her wacky stunts and tell her she was just like Aunt Jane. It bothered Meri so much that they finally stopped. A twinge of fright mixed with anger came to her with the memory. Here she was, twenty-five years old and single. She lived alone in the woods and talked to goldfish. Maybe she was turning out to be just like her Aunt Jane after all.

No, Aunt Jane was wealthy yet lived like a pauper. Meri would never be like that. If Meri ever inherited a large sum of money from a strange piano teacher, she was certain she would find wonderful ways to pad her life with beautiful excess. The only excess Aunt Jane had indulged in was a tiny cabin on the Oregon coast where she spent her summer months.

Ripping back the yellow rose gift wrap, Meredith could see the label on the box. She immediately convinced herself that the words on the box did not have any bearing on what was inside the box.

Aunt Jane would not send me something like that!

Meredith pulled open the top of the box, which was sealed with wide copper staples. She slowly pulled the long, plastic contents from the box. The instructions came with it.

Still in shock, Meri read the instructions. “Meet Guard Man! The only bodyguard you’ll ever need. Guard Man is lifelike and poseable. Dress him in casual clothes when he sits in the chair by your front window or in formal attire when he accompanies you to a night on the town. You’ll always feel safe when Guard Man is near!”

Meredith stared at the deflated rubber dummy her crazy aunt had sent her.
I can’t believe this. Aunt Jane sent me a blow-up man!

She started to laugh, and the whole cottage reverberated with the mixture of her shock and hilarity. Ripping open the duct-taped envelope of the birthday card, she found a card and a flattened “patch kit.” The card was actually a piece of yellow-lined paper that read, “I got to thinking about your living there all alone, and I thought you should have your very own Guard Man. I’ve had mine for two years now, and I haven’t been robbed once. My Guard Man goes to town with me, too, and I feel safe as can be. Enjoy! And be safe. Your Aunt Jane. Love.”

She always signed that way: her name first and then her closing sentiment. Meredith skimmed the card a second time and pictured her sixty-eight-year-old auntie scooting around town with Guard Man in the passenger seat of her 1979 Volvo.

“This is unbelievable!” Meredith went for the portable phone on the kitchen wall. She punched number three, and the phone speed dialed Shelly’s number.

Shelly answered on the second ring.

“You’re not going to believe this,” Meri said. “Guess what I got for my birthday?”

“Do you like it?” Shelly asked.

“Like it? Oh! You mean the leather case. Yes, I love it. Didn’t you get my message? Thank you so, so, so, so much, Shelly. It’s way too expensive, and you shouldn’t have, but I love it completely and will use it constantly. Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” Shelly said.

Meredith took a little breath and looked over at the massive blob on the floor. “Now guess what else I received for my birthday.”

“Let me see. A gift certificate to Penney’s?”

“You have no imagination at all, Shelly. Come on. Try to guess.”

“At least give me a clue. Who’s it from?”

Meredith knew her sister had little patience for guessing games. “It’s from Aunt Jane, and it came in a big box and is slumped on the floor in the living room right now. It comes with instructions.”

“From Aunt Jane? I can’t even begin to guess.”

“Shelly, she sent me a blow-up man.”

“A what?”

“A blow-up man. One of those life-sized plastic mannequins. Guard Man. I’m supposed to dress him up casual for afternoons around the house and formal for those snappy evenings out on the town. Can you believe this?”

Shelly was laughing so hard that Bob Two started to bark in the background. It took a minute before she could respond to Meredith. “That has to be the best gag gift ever!”

“She didn’t mean it as a gag gift.” Meredith moaned.

“Don’t you dare try to white elephant Mr. Guard Man! I want him there, in shorts, on the front porch the next time I come up for a visit.”

“In shorts?” Meredith repeated. “I can accommodate you there. That’s all Mr. Guard Man is wearing. White, painted-on boxer shorts.”

Shelly burst out laughing again. “Thank goodness for that! At least he’s modest.”

“What am I going to do with this guy?”

“Same thing you’ve always done with your boyfriends: Hide him when Mom and Dad come over.”

“Very funny.”

“They are coming over tonight, aren’t they?”

“No. I told them I had plans. Helen is coming into town with a client, and I’m fixing dinner for them.”

“You could play a hilarious joke on Helen,” Shelly said. “Get Guard Boy all dressed up and put him in the pantry. Then send Helen to the pantry for something, and he’ll scare her silly.”

Meredith liked the idea. Helen had a good sense of humor. She would like the joke. Of course, Meredith had no clue if the client would be a stuffy old coot or a timid young thing.

“You’re a genius,” Meri said. “When did you get so creative? One Guard Man in the pantry coming right up.”

“Call me tomorrow and tell me what happens,” Shelly said. “Oh, and by the way, you’ll never guess who’s going to have dinner with us tomorrow night.”

“I give up.” Meredith was too busy trying to figure out what clothes she had around for Mr. Guard Man to guess.

“The one and only Jacob Wilde,” Shelly said proudly.

Meredith’s heart and plans stopped.

“They have clearance to film his new movie here at the waterfall, and he’s coming to make the final arrangements with Jonathan. Is there anything you want me to tell him?”

“When does your matchmaking license expire?” Meri said. “You have to let this obsession go, Shelly.”

“I’ll tell him you say hi and you’re interested in hearing more about the film.”

That part was actually true. “What’s it about?” Meri asked.

“Kyle said it’s a children’s film that’s a remake of
Pilgrim’s Progress
with a Narnian twist, if that makes sense. Kyle is a big fan of
Pilgrim’s Progress
and has started a collection of the older volumes of the book. He read the screenplay a while ago, but I guess it needed some work. They hired some well-known guy to rewrite it, and now they’re working on filming it.”

“It sounds like a great project,” Meredith said calmly.

“Kyle’s behind the film a thousand percent. You really should come down this weekend, Meri. Not just to bump into
Jake again; this is going to be fun. Come join in the adventure. We’re all pretty excited. Come down tonight. Can you call Helen and reschedule?”

“I don’t think I can do that. She’ll be here in two or three hours. Besides, I have the best trick in the world to play on her. I’m not going to let this one slip by.”

“Come tomorrow morning,” Shelly urged.

“I have too much work. I’ve been playing all day and haven’t done anything.”

“Well,” Shelly said slowly, “is there anything you want me to say to Jake? Any messages I can pass along?”

“No, thanks. I’m going to see him in a couple of weeks at a conference in Anaheim. I’d rather wait and try to start all over with him. I think the less said till then the better.”

“Okay. I’ll honor that.”

“You better.”

“I will.”

“Thanks again for the beautiful birthday present. It’s my second-favorite present so far.”

“What’s your favorite? Mr. Guard Man?”

“No, the gift certificate from J.C. Penney. Now I have money to outfit my new permanent houseguest.”

Y
ou need what?” Jack, the director of Camp Autumn Brook, asked Meri. The camp bordered the property on which the Tulip Cottage sat, and every month Meredith paid her rent directly to the camp because the owner had recently deeded the cottage over to the conference center. Meredith had grown up at this camp, attending family camp and summer and winter conferences. She had helped Jack out more than once, and now it was his turn to do her a favor.

“Old clothes,” Meredith repeated her request. “Any old lost-and-found men’s clothes.”

“What are you doing? Making a scarecrow?” he asked.

“Yes,” Meri said with a giggle, “that’s exactly what I’m making. A scarecrow-man-thing.”

“Fine with me if you help yourself. You know where we keep all the lost and found, don’t you?”

“The shed behind the pool?” Meredith guessed.

Jack nodded. “It’s open; so go on in and help yourself. If
anyone tries to stop you, tell him I said it was okay.”

Meredith didn’t see any other camp staff as she made her way to the shed behind the pool. Mounds of forgotten clothes and goods were heaped along the south side of the shed. It took her less than five minutes to find a complete outfit for Guard Man, including shoes, socks, and a New York Giants baseball cap. She had brought a Nordstroms shopping bag with her and had to control her giggles as she stole across the conference-center grounds back to her house, her posh shopping bag loaded with smelly camp clothes. Once inside and feeling “safe” again, Meredith set to work washing the soiled clothes, starting the salad for dinner, jumping into the shower, and then inflating Guard Man and outfitting him for the grand event. This was turning out to be a pretty fun birthday party after all. Then, because she didn’t want Elvis to feel left out, she went upstairs and brought her goldfish down to the coffee table, where he could be in the center of everything.

Elvis and Guard Man seemed to ignore each other. “At least I know you’re not the jealous type,” she said. “Either of you. We might be able to work out an agreeable arrangement here. You don’t snore, do you, Guard Man?”

The brunette mannequin with the backward baseball cap responded with a fixed gaze. Meredith reached over and made him shake his head.

“I didn’t think you did. What about chores? Can you sit over in that chair all day and keep it weighed down so it won’t slide across the floor in case of an earthquake?”

Guard Man nodded his head, with a little help.

“Okay. Then as long as you never leave your toenail clippings on the carpet, it looks like we have a deal.”

Meredith took Guard Man’s hand and shook it.

“I am utterly, completely losing my mind,” she muttered.
“It was bad enough when I talked to a pudgy-lipped fish all day, no offense, Elvis, but now look at me! I’m making deals with a certifiable airhead!” Meredith leaned over and took a closer look at her fish. “You don’t really have lips, do you? I take that pudgy-lips comment back.”

Meredith glanced at the clock on the kitchen wall. “Yikes! Time to dress. You stay here and read the paper or something.” She positioned Guard Man in the easy chair and crossed his legs. Adjusting his shoulders so he didn’t look so stiff, Meredith placed the newspaper in his hands.

Curiosity tortured her until, despite her robe-and-slippers wardrobe, she ran outside and looked in the window from the driveway. “Amazing,” she murmured, in awe of Aunt Jane’s gift. “He does look real.”