We Give a Squid a Wedgie (12 page)

“I don’t like the way that little girl asks me so many questions about Corey Brandt,” said Bonnie. “She needs to mind her own business.”

Oliver nodded in quiet agreement but kept listening.­

“I say we wait,” Big Bart said. “If the Orang Laut help them, they’ll take us right to this island of the sea monsters. If that place is worth all this trouble, there must be something valuable there. Treasure and the like.”

“You believe this stuff?” Bonnie sneered. “You’re crazy, Big Bart. There’s no such thing as a
kraken and no mysterious island. This is a wild-goose chase. I say we stick to the plan.”

“I don’t think these explorers would go through all this trouble on a wild-goose chase,” Big Bart tried to reason with her. “They seem pretty smart to me.”

“They’re just kids,” Bonnie spat.

“They’re tweens,” corrected Big Bart. “They handled that shark and octopus nicely. I didn’t see you helping out.” Bonnie sniffed the air loudly. “And their father has lots of fancy degrees.”

“Even more reason not to go along with him,” said Bonnie. “Two brats, a teenage heartthrob, and an overeducated fool. We’d be wasting our time.”

“We’ll get a nice ransom for Corey Brandt, no matter what,” Twitchy Bart said. “I bet the television studio will pay up. That was the plan, and I want to stick to it.”

“We could sell the Navels off as shark bait,” said Bonnie. “Like my great-great-great-great-­grandmother Anne used to do.”

Oliver’s blood ran cold.

“Corey Brandt is not the big prize here,” said Big Bart. “The real money’s in that island they’re looking for! We should let the Navels do all the
work of finding it for us, I say. Then we take ’em hostage afterward!”

“I’m tired of sailing,” Twitchy Bart complained. “It’s dull and it’s hard and I want to get back to our ship to put my feet up and watch TV. I’m sick of being stuck on this sailboat taking orders from that teenager. I don’t care how good his hair is. I say we take these dumb saps prisoner the moment we’re clear of these sea people, forget all about some fairy-tale monster island, and make a bit of Hollywood ransom money, just like we always planned to do.”

“Twitchy Bart’s right,” said Bonnie. “And I’m tired of listening to that Celia going all googly for him. It’ll be nice to shut her up for good at the bottom of the sea.”

Oliver couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He didn’t actually disagree that his sister was annoying, but she shouldn’t get sent to the bottom of the sea for it!

“You’re being penny-wise and pound-foolish, I tell you,” Big Bart snapped at Bonnie.

“Now what’s that supposed to mean?” Twitchy Bart moaned.

“I think Bonnie knows.”

“What if I don’t?” snarled Bonnie.

“Well, find out then.”

“Well, maybe I don’t wanna.”

“Well, maybe you’re an idiot.”

“Well, maybe I’ll cut that big face of yours off if you talk like that again.”

“Well, maybe you should try it.”

“Well, maybe I—”

“Hey!” Twitchy Bart whisper-shouted. “Keep your voices down or the boy will hear all yer jabbering.”­

Oliver sucked in his breath and tried to be as still and silent as possible. No sound came from inside Bonnie’s bunk. An eternity passed. Oliver didn’t dare so much as shift his weight on his feet, lest it make a noise. He was getting pretty uncomfortable. He really needed to use the bathroom after his nap.

“Okay,” he heard Bonnie say; her tone meant business. “By the articles of piracy, as laid down at the dawn of the Barbary Corsairs, we’ll take a vote.”

“Fine,” said Big Bart.

“Suits me,” said Twitchy Bart.

“By show of hands, who votes we take control of this vessel as soon as we are clear of the Orange Lords or whatever they’re called, take the hostages
back to the Princess and get what we can get for ransom, and forget all about some sea monster island.”­

There was a moment of silence. Oliver wondered who the Princess was.

“That settles it, captain,” sneered Bonnie. “Two votes to one. Your crew has spoken.”

“So be it,” said Big Bart. “I swore an oath to our articles of piracy and I’ll abide by them. Although I think you’re being fools.”

“Think what ya like,” said Twitchy Bart. “Just make sure you knock out that Dr. Navel first. You never know what a father will do to protect his young.”

“He seems kind of harmless to me,” said Big Bart.

“You never know with fathers and children,” said Bonnie. “I’ll take care of the bossy little girl and her mopey brother.”

“That leaves Corey Brandt for me,” said Twitchy Bart. “It’ll be nice to take that Hollywood type down a notch. I hated
Sunset High
. He should have ended up with Lauren at the end.”

“Annabel was his destiny,” said Big Bart. “You can’t run from destiny.”

“Whatever,” said Bonnie.

“His other stuff’s pretty good,” Big Bart added. “You can’t argue with that.”

“I liked
Agent Zero
the best,” Twitchy Bart chimed in. “And these Pocketed Pants are great. They’re breezy and warm at the same time. And the pockets … you can never have too many pockets.”

“The color selection’s nice too,” Big Bart agreed.

“I’m still gonna wallop him,” added Twitchy Bart. “I wanna see if anything can mess up that hair.”

They all guffawed and Oliver heard the sound of backslapping, their arguments forgotten in favor of their brutal mischief.

Oliver didn’t know which was worse, that the crew of their ship was planning a mutiny or that he agreed with their taste in television.

Just then he heard the whine of the dinghy’s motor as it came back to the ship. A knot formed in his stomach and his skin prickled with nerves. He closed his eyes for a second to think. They were in danger and he was the only one who knew. He asked himself, what would Agent Zero do?

The engine grew louder. They were almost back. He’d have to warn them. Corey
was
Agent Zero
after all. And their father had certainly faced worse dangers than this.

He just had to figure out how to keep the
Get It Over With
close to the little fishermen until he could tell them the treachery that was afoot.

The door to Bonnie’s bunk burst open and Oliver fell backward onto the floor, scattering plastic-wrapped snack cakes everywhere and spilling the remote control out of his bag. He slipped it into his pocket as fast as he could.

“Oh, sorry … sorry,” he muttered. “I just woke up and thought I’d get something to eat.”

Bonnie and Twitchy Bart watched him, their eyes narrowing to slits. Big Bart crossed his arms and took a deep breath, looking down at Oliver with watery blue eyes.

“Ahoy!” Dr. Navel called from outside. “We’re back! Somebody want to help us aboard?”

“Oliver, I have to ask you something important.” Big Bart bent down and looked Oliver right in the eyes. Oliver gulped.

Big Bart reached down and snatched up a snack cake in his giant hand and held it right in front of Oliver’s face. “May I?” he asked with a smile.

“Sure,” squeaked Oliver.

“I love these things.” Big Bart shook his head, standing. “I know they’re mostly rubber and industrial waste, but they’re just so delicious. You eat up. We’ll go help your dad and them. You are now relieved of command, sir!” He saluted.

“Um,” said Oliver. “What?”

“You know.” Big Bart smiled. “Because your dad and Corey are back! You don’t have to be in charge anymore.” He patted Oliver on the back. “Well done, kiddo! You kept us in ship shape!”

He led the other treacherous deckhands out into the glaring sun while Oliver started shoving snack cakes into his backpack, along with the wet suits he hoped never to have to use.

“Hey, Oliver,” Big Bart called back. Oliver froze. “Thanks for the snack cake!”

“You’re welcome,” said Oliver, too frightened to move.

“Where’s Celia?” he heard Big Bart ask.

“She’ll be back shortly,” his father said. “She had to find a cucumber.”

Oliver didn’t know what that meant or why his sister needed to find a cucumber, but at least it bought him some time to come up with a plan.

“YOU MUST EMPTY YOUR LUNGS
of air and then take a big breath,” Jabir explained as he handed Celia some homemade wooden goggles with scratched glass lenses. “You want to get as much new air as you can before you dive down.” Celia wrinkled her brow at him. “It would also help if you burst your eardrums,” he added.

“I am not bursting my eardrums,” said Celia.

“Suit yourself.” Jabir shrugged. “You will not be able to dive as deep. The pressure will hurt too much.”

Celia really wished she had kept her mouth shut about the whole
Valerie-at-Large
initiation thing. She knew that if she wanted to find out where her mother had gone, get back to the
Get It Over With
, and get home again, then she had to
complete this challenge. She had to dive down deep into the ocean with no air tank or anything, and come back up to the surface with a sea cucumber. She didn’t even know what a sea cucumber was.

“It looks just like a big cucumber on the bottom of the ocean,” Jabir told her. “Its skin feels like leather and when you pick it up, it will throw up all its guts.”

“That’s disgusting,” said Celia.

“They are a delicacy,” he answered her.

“So people, like, eat it?” asked Celia.

“They are very good for you.” He smiled. “You might like them.”

“Do I really have to do this?” Celia looked over the edge of the small fishing boat, straight down into the sea. Dark shapes moved in the depths. The old men of the Orang Laut watched her from their boats and chuckled. “I don’t even like to swim in the swimming pool,” she whispered to Jabir.

“The elders will not tell you where your mother has gone unless you first show them that you respect our ways,” he whispered back to her. “Don’t worry. I will help you.”

“But why me?” she asked. “Why not Corey or my father? Or my brother, Oliver? He’s back on our boat. He could dive with you. It’d make him feel special if you asked for him.”

She shaded her eyes from the sun and looked over the water toward the sailboat, where her father and Corey were just climbing on board again. Big Bart had come out of the cabin to greet them. It looked like he was eating a Velma Sue’s Snack Cake. Celia wished she were over there eating one too.

“Do you know the story of our people?” Jabir asked.

“No,” said Celia. “How would I?”

“A long time ago, there was an unhappy princess­ who liked to watch the sea for hours and hours. One day, a great flood rose up and swept her away,” Jabir said. “Her father, the king, sent a fleet of boats out to find his daughter and ordered them not to return until she was found. And so we remain at sea, waiting for a princess to return.” Jabir smiled.

“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” said Celia. “You live on these boats because some ancient princess got lost in a flood? You know she’s not coming back, right?”

“That’s just the story,” said Jabir. “It’s the myth that we tell about how we came to live at sea. It doesn’t have to be true to be, you know, true. Maybe you are the princess?”

Celia wrinkled her brow at him. He blushed.

“Let’s get this over with.” She sighed. Then she took a deep breath and jumped into the water.

It felt good to swim in the cool ocean, rising and falling with the gentle swells. Jabir tossed a net down to Celia and then he jumped in, treading water while he held two bags of stones.

“These … will help you … get to the bottom­ … faster.” He kept having to spit water out of his mouth as he struggled with both bags of stones. Celia wondered why he was being so helpful.

“Okay,” she said, taking one of the bags of stones from him. “Let’s—” Before she could finish her sentence she sank straight down like a … well, like a stone.

Underneath the surface, another world blossomed. Celia looked up and saw the waves above from their undersides; she saw the sun high above, bent and shimmering like seeing it through a stained-glass window. She looked down and saw the sandy bottom racing up toward her. Coral reefs
burst from the ocean floor. Some were round and grooved and looked like pictures she had seen of human brains; others were like giant leaves, waving in an underwater breeze. Colorful fish swamped between the clusters of coral, nibbling at the sand or vanishing between the spongy fingers of colorful sea anemones.