We Interrupt This Date (4 page)

Humming
Let’s
Get Together
, I sauntered into the pawnshop through
the employees’ entrance at the back. Two seconds later Odell shot
out of his office as if someone had set off the Space Shuttle under
his chair. He had the phone receiver pressed to his ear so he was
brought up short by the cord. He deserved it. I’d told him before
he needed to get a cordless phone, but he was too cheap.

I halted in front of him until he ended the
conversation with a final, “proud to do business with you,” and
frowned at me.

“An hour or two to take your mother to a
doctor appointment is one thing. But…” He swung the phone receiver
back and forth on the end of its cord as if the pendulum motion
were driving his thoughts. “It’s after one o’clock in case you
didn’t notice.”

I sighed gently and said, “Sorry. I’ll work
late to get caught up.” I lowered my gaze to the floor, hoping he
bought the penitent act.

Pathetic, but I needed the job too badly to
risk getting fired. I thought about Veronica’s business proposition
and wished I were in a position to take a chance. Maybe in the next
lifetime, as Patty would say.

I scooted into my office and powered up my computer.
The phone rang every few minutes. I kept having to ask the
customers to repeat themselves. Odell made a point of shooting me
warning frowns every time he walked past, the legs of his too-long
trousers flapping around his ankles and threatening to trip him up.
Must be tough trying to find size 38X26.

It isn’t that easy to determine when Odell is
frowning and when he’s using his normal expression because he has a
long, saggy, bassett hound face and droopy lower eyelids. Still,
I’ve worked for him long enough to have a pretty good idea of what
he’s thinking most of the time. Usually something negative. It was
all I could do to keep from telling him I’d had a better offer,
which I’d decided to take.

Pure fantasy. The chances of me changing my mind
about Veronica’s offer were about as likely as me deciding to dance
naked in front of the tourist information center on Meeting Street.
I managed to clamp my mouth shut and act apologetic every time he
looked at me.

You rat
, I
thought, after he left early because of a crisis with his
niece.
Wait until I find another
job.

I made it a point to be especially nice to
the next customer who called, even though he was three payments
behind on his loan. He seemed to think that gave him the right to
say, “You’re nothin’ but a witch, lady,” when I told him I couldn’t
get Odell to push back the due date or lower the interest rate.

“Have a nice day, sir,” I sang into the
receiver before he hung up.

Patty finished ringing up a sale and waved
from behind her register. “Thank God, Odell’s finally outta here.
What’s going on?” She sashayed out from behind the counter to
lounge against the doorway to my office.

“Nothing.” I put my fingers on my keyboard
and glanced at her sideways.

She reached up and tugged her hair clips
loose, letting her black hair fall from the loose pile on top of
her head to a full cascade down her back. She’d once told me that
there comes a time in every redneck woman’s life when she has hair
down to her butt. Then she’d planted her hands on her hips and
said, “Honey, except for my interest in the occult, I’m as redneck
as they come.”

Odell makes her wear her hair on top of
her head because he’d once had a cashier who caught her ponytail in
the register and she threatened to sue when she had to cut a chunk
of it off to free herself. But whenever Odell leaves early, Patty
lets her hair down. In more ways than one. Now she turned on the
radio Odell keeps on a shelf against the wall and danced and swayed
in the doorway to
Heartbreak
Hotel
.

“Need something, Patty?”

“Just curious. You’ve been in such a scatterbrained
mood all afternoon. Carrying your mama to the doctor doesn’t
usually have that effect on you, so I assume it was something your
friend, the tight-assed businesswoman, said over lunch. Let me
guess. She’s finally figured out money won’t buy her love, so she’s
going to share with you in the hopes that will get her some points
with the relationship gods and they’ll send her a decent man to
warm her bed.”

I shook my head in mock sadness. “You’re
awful.”

“I’d go home and burn some candles, but I’ve
already forgiven myself for my bitchiness. Now tell me what’s got
you smiling.”

“I told you, I’m simply in a great mood.”

I hadn’t realized I was smiling. But I didn’t
dare tell Patty about Veronica’s plan to take me away from all
this. It had come to nothing, but Patty couldn’t keep a secret if
her lips were stuck shut with Super Glue.

“Lately you’ve been in a great mood more
often than not.”

“I haven’t noticed.” Like everyone else, I
wasn’t likely to pay attention to moods unless they were the kind
that made me miserable.

“Honey, I know what it is. You’re looking
forward to our dates tonight with Kyle and Herman--don’t judge.
He’s named after his father.”

“Sure, Patty. Herman might turn out to be The
One. I’m mentally planning my next wedding.” Like I even needed a
man in my life now that I had all the freedom everyone had told me
about.

“Make me your matron of honor and I’ll bake
you a red velvet wedding cake and get my brother Floyd to bring his
Bluegrass band and do the music for half price.”

The chime on the front door sounded and she
scurried back behind the register. I picked up the last invoice on
my desk. I wondered if Herman was as good a catch as his
cousin--Patty’s boyfriend Kyle--had promised.

***

The answer to that question came soon enough.
Kyle roared to a stop in my driveway in his black crew cab pickup
promptly at seven. I’d been watching from the window. I saw a
moderately good-looking, slightly paunchy man with a wide face and
wide-apart eyes approach the front door. I backed away from the
window and waited for him to ring the bell. I took a second to
touch my hair for reassurance before I opened the door.

I liked the way Herman complimented me on my
outfit—cream colored silk blouse and black slacks—and my hair,
piled on top of my head in curls, thanks to my curling iron and
about a gallon of hairspray. I didn’t like the way he put his hand
on the small of my back and applied so much pressure I had to move
along in a near trot.

Herman and I sat in back. Patty turned and
gave me a thumbs up. She always acts a little high around Kyle. I
couldn’t help noting she’d forgotten to draw her eyebrows back on.
She shaves them off because they’re orange, her natural hair color,
then she draws them back on in black. They usually rub off toward
the end of the day and now they were faint, charcoal-colored lines
over her eyes making her face look like an unfinished portrait. I
might clue her in later.

“We’re going to Bubba Gump’s,” she said. “I
love their shrimp.”

Bubba Gump’s was on Market Street. I’d only
been a couple of times, but I liked it.

“I’m more of a meat and potatoes man,” Herman
said, patting his stomach. “Person shouldn’t have to worry about
shells getting in the way when they eat.”

“There are no shells on the Bubba Gump
shrimp. Everybody knows they take those off before they cook them.
You’re not going to turn out to be one of those burger and fries
addicts, are you?” Patty said.

“I might. I’m sure not going to let a woman
order for me.” Herman cracked his knuckles. He slid closer and I
smelled alcohol on his breath. Then he put his arm over the back of
the seat, so I had to inch forward to keep his hand off my
shoulder. Suddenly I didn’t want him touching me. The date I’d
looked forward to, the only bright spot in my day had started out
being about as much fun as a field trip to a fish processing
plant.

After an awkward silence, Herman said, “Patty
tells me you work in the office at a pawnshop.” He ran his fingers
across the seat as if he were assessing the quality of the
leather.

“I answer the phones, do the billing, collect
payments,” I said without looking at him.

“Ouch.”

“Excuse me?” I shifted position so I could
lean toward the window and away from him.

“You know.” He waved his hand in the air near
my face. “I’d never settle for a dead end job like that, but then
I’ve got a business degree from Clemson. I’ve worked myself up in
sales, that’s why they’re transferring me from Columbia to
Charleston.”

“Really. How nice for you.”

I could have pointed out that I, too, was
educated, but a degree in English didn’t help much when a woman had
been out of the job market for almost twenty years. I’d spent my
best years holding down a homemaking gig for a husband who
eventually traded me in for an enhanced model. A lady did not brag
and she was not rude. Two of Mama’s most important rules, even
though I’d fallen far short when it came to ladyhood.

After Kyle found a parking spot only two blocks from
Gump’s, I let Herman walk beside me on the sidewalk. I pasted on a
pleasant smile--actually more of a smilette, since it didn’t reach
my eyes. As we strolled along behind Kyle and Patty, I made a
remark about the nice cool weather—safe topic--and pointed out
objects in the shop windows we passed, pretending to be especially
interested in a faux marble statue of a dog anointing a fire
hydrant. But when he tried to put his hand on the small of my back
again, I slid out of reach.

Half an hour later, standing in front of the
ladies room sink, I wished I’d opted for a standard stomach flu
excuse and gone home. My first date in twenty years, and I would
have been better off sharing an evening with Mama, letting her
lecture me on the topic of her choosing. Or maybe I should have let
her fix me up with Church Stanley.

I’d gone to the ladies room to rinse sauce
from Dixie style baby back ribs off the front of my blouse. Said
sauce had been accidentally deposited there by Herman, don’t judge,
he’s named after his father.

Surely some people were compatible even if
they’d met by way of the time-honored fix-up. Why had the gods not
favored me? Why had my first dip back into the dating pool not been
a gentle splash instead of a dive off the high board into freezing
water.

I wondered if I needed to suggest that Herman
consider investing in a personality transplant, maybe something
with a dab of humor and a lot more humility. Of course, the good
manners drilled into me over the years by no less a southern lady
than my mother, had not allowed me to do more than nod and smile
and pretend I was having a fantastic time.

Herman’s face, slightly blurry in the way
fleshy features often are, had so far shown only two
expressions—disapproving and smug. When I mentioned that my mother
had a couple of Chihuahuas which tried to outdo each other in
yapping, his response was, “Well, they would. Your basic Chihuahua
has tiny vocal chords that can’t emit a deep throaty sound like,
say, your basic German Shepherd.”

Yeah
, I
thought glaring at him,
and your basic
jerk probably has tiny…never mind.

I’d poured myself a second glass of wine and
taken a big gulp, though I wasn’t used to drinking and was already
slightly tipsy. It was then that Herman managed to drop his fork in
the middle of his plate and splat sauce—in an unattractive map of
the world pattern--across the front of my blouse.

Patty had sat across from me with Kyle. Kyle
is not my type, either, even if he wasn’t already taken. Kyle
thinks no activity is fun without the presence of a couple of six
packs and a ten-pound bag of Doritos. His hobby is taxidermy. But
the way his eyes crinkle at the corners when he looks at Patty and
the easy way he drapes his arm across her shoulders show that she
is important to him.

I’d no sooner returned from the ladies room
and plopped into my chair, when Patty fixed me in a meaningful
stare, her eyes made more blue by the sapphire colored shadow she’d
slathered on her lids. She danced the faint line of her eyebrows at
me, raising and lowering first one then the other until even Herman
noticed. I could tell by the way his lips slowly parted, revealing
a hunk of meat caught in the gap between his front teeth.

“Susan and I have to powder our noses.” Patty
slid out from under Kyle’s arm.

I stood and retraced my steps, weaving
between tables and back to the ladies room. I knew the drill—any
woman who’s ever been through school has the routine down. Patty
was supposed to ask how I liked Herman. I was supposed to say he
was nice, but we didn’t have that much in common. Later she’d find
a private moment to tell Kyle. Kyle would relay the message to
Herman and Herman would know not to call me.

I resolved that this would be my last blind
date. I should have learned my lesson in high school when Mama kept
fixing me up with poster boys for misfits of America.

“You could have waited a few minutes instead
of being so obvious,” I said. “You could have brought your purse
instead of leaving it hanging over the back of your chair. We’re
supposed to be powdering our noses.”

I could have told her about her eyebrows, but
I was ticked off about Herman. I peered at my image in the mirror.
My nose looked okay, but my lips could use attention.

“How should I say this, Susan? He’s just not
that into you.”

I stopped in the middle of extracting my
makeup case from my purse. “He’s not that what?”

“The relationship isn’t working.” Patty
looked apologetic. “While you were in here doing sauce clean-up,
Herman said he--”

“What relationship?” I fixed her in a laser
glare. “It’s simply a blind date, for God’s sake, not a lifetime
commitment.”