Wesley Crusher: Teenage F#ck Machine (2 page)

“I would have to assume that any man who defeats Jean-Luc Picard must be pretteh deadleh.”

“Not as deadleh as me,” said Kitteh Commander as he grabbed his phaser and twirled it on the edge of his finger looking like some old Western kitteh.

“Wesleh Crusher is dead,” said Kitteh Commander, “pack my kitteh bindle full of phasers and charge my rocket pack now.”

“Sir yes sir meow kitteh,” said Tigron with a kitteh salute.

Wesley and Meow Solo rushed into the Borg cube’s cockpit and chopped up all the Borg they could find with their laser axes.

“These Borg fall apart like crap under our axe blades,” said Meow Solo.

“Whatever,” said Wesley as he decapitated a Borg child, “you think you’re so cool in your brown leather pants and brown leather vest but you’re really just a stinky furball.”

“Whatevs,” said Meow Solo.

They heard a loud sobbing in the corner of the cockpit and turned to find Prof. Moriarty curled up into a ball.

“Why can’t we be in the mirror universe?” said the professor, “The Borg are nice there and they fly around in pyramids and everyone there has a beard. Nobody ever gets a cold face in the winter.”

Wesley slapped Moriarty’s face until his cheeks bled.

“Wisen up old man,” said Wesley, “snap out of it!”

“We could use this Borg cube,” said Meow Solo.

“A Borg cube would be perfect,” said Moriarty, “I am certain the federation is sending people after us right now. They would never suspect us in a Borg cube.

“Okay,” said Wesley, “let’s force the rest of the Borg onto our SHO, fill it up with space gas, and blow it up.”

“Let’s bang this out guys!” said Meow Solo.

The three of them jumped in the air at the same time, slapping their palms together in a triple high five.

It was too late to save Mary-Sue and the other two girls from being assimilated by the Borg.

So the three women were shoved into the cramped quarters of the SHO along with the rest of the Borg that had survived Wesley and Meow Solo’s axe massacre.

“Let the space gas take care of these stupid jerks,” said Wesley Crusher as he flicked a lit match into the SHO and slammed the door shut.

“Get this fucking Borg cube of here now Meow Solo!” said Wesley.

“Got it chief!” said Meow Solo.

Meow Solo got under the controls and had the Borg cube hitting warp speed just in time as the Taurus SHO filled with Borg exploded.

“We’re gonna need to find new girls,” said Wesley.

“I’m hungry,” said Wesley as him and Meow Solo headed into the Circle-K with their phasers drawn.

“Okay,” said Wesley, “first I’m gonna rob you, then I’m gonna kill you.”

Wesley waved his phaser at the customers and the clerk behind the counter.

The three customers happened to be teenaged girls in bikinis. Two blondes and a brunette, all three were built either like Betty Veronica or somewhere in between with faces to match.

The brunette girl was slightly taller than the other two and the word “Queenie” was scrawled across her bikini top, divided by her boobs. So it looked like “Que” then “enie”.

“You three are coming with us,” said Meow Solo.

“For a fuck party,” said Wesley.

“Ew,” said Queenie, “we wouldn’t fuck you to be queens for a day!”

“Stupid cunts,” said Wesley as he shot all six of their eyes out with his phaser.

The blood squirted out of their eye sockets and splattered Meow Solo’s brown suede pants.

“Fuck Wesley,” said Meow Solo, “my chaps are ruined!”

“Fuck your chaps,” said Wesley.

The clerk, a fat girl with a zitty face, pulled off her top and exposed her greasy boobs to Wesley.

“I’ll do anything you want,” said the girl as she licked her grimy roast beef lips.

“Ew no way,” said Wesley as he fired his phaser into her boobs three times.

“Let’s get some snacks and get the f out of here,” said Meow Solo.

“Wait,” said Wesley as he stripped down the body of the dead brunette, Queenie.

Wesley grabbed his thick hard-on and jammed it into her dead pussy.

“I love you Queenie,” said Wesley as a single tear drop fell from his eye and rolled down his face until it intermingled with the fuck sweat running down his neck.

Back aboard the Borg cube Meow Solo and Wesley emptied out their sacks of junk food.

“Wow, this will last us forever,” said Wesley.

Meow Solo grumbled.

“What’s your problem?” said Wesley.

“I’m just wondering about how to split these snacks up fifty fifty,” said Meow Solo.

“Who cares?” said Wesley, “you cheap piece of shit. We’ll share it as crewmates.”

“That’s not the kind of split I was thinking of, friend,” said Meow Solo as he picked up his laser axe.

In his other paw Meow Solo produced a small device covered in Borg markings.

“What gives?” said Wesley as he aimed his phaser at Meow Solo’s dick.

“You see this? You ruined it.”

Meow Solo tugged at the crotch of his brown suede pants.

“Just pants,” said Wesley.

“Just pants?” said Meow Solo, “Wesley, let’s be realistic here, this whole Meow Solo thing isn’t some gimmick, it’s me, it’s who I am. The suede pants are a part of that, you damage the pants you damage the cat.”

“I had to kill those girls,” said Wesley.

“Without warning me first?” said Meow Solo.

Meow Solo squeezed the device in his hand and it glowed with a bright orange light.

“You never respected my image,” said Meow Solo, “the image is the only reason Mary Sue or any decent looking girl ever even touched your dick. It’s because of me. When you hang with Meow Solo you get laid.”

“That’s not true!” screamed Wesley, “Not at all!”

“Without me you’re just a loser,” said Meow Solo, “Ensign Wesley Crusher boy genius, the biggest dork on the Enterprise outside of Data, and he’s a robot.”

“Tasha Yar-“

“Tasha Yar is dead Wesley!” said Meow Solo.

“Lay off it Solo,” said Moriarty, “stop this tomfoolery.”

“You’re just some holodeck jerk,” said Meow Solo, “you see this box guys, it’s an interdimensionator. I can send you to other dimensions, between the strands of the universe, dimensions that don’t even exist.”

Wesley fingered the trigger of his phaser but it was too late.

Meow fingered the interdimensionator, sending a beam of orange light that engulfed Wesley.

“No!” screamed Wesley and in that moment a wall in the side of the Borg cube was vaporized.

Kitteh Commander floated in using his rocket boots.

“I, Kitteh Commander, am here to kill Wesleh Crusher!”

“Too late,” Meow Solo pointed to the tear in reality Wesley was slowly dissolving into.

“You sleazeh grifteh!” said Kitteh Commander as he fired his Kitteh phaser at Meow Solo’s crotch vaporizing the lower half of the cat’s body so that the top half collapsed into a pile of bloody guts.

“How do I get Wesleh back?” Kitteh Commander pointed his Kitteh Phaser at Moriarty.

“It’s an interdimensionator,” said Moriarty.

“Come with me misteh,” Kitteh waved his Kitteh phaser, “we’re following Wesley into that wormhole. I am gonneh kill him whetheh in this world or the otheh.”

Kitteh grabbed Moriarty in a chokehold and leapt into the dissolving frame of Wesley Crusher.

As the three of them vanished, the portal shrunk into a single spot of orange light that shined down on Meow Solo’s mangled corpse.

To be continued…