West For Love (A Mail Order Romance Novel) (12 page)

“Sorry to hear that,” Jo said with
a look in her eyes that bothered Anna. “Really sorry to hear that.”

“Me too. I wouldn’t tell anyone
what I was doing, not even my parents. I promised myself though that once I was
happy here I would write to Abigail. To give her hope. She deserves a husband
and a family.”

“Every woman does,” Jo said.

“And you?” Anna asked.

Jo swallowed and ignored the
question. “What about your parents?”

“They’re included in the letter to
Abigail. I’m sure she’ll show them. I’m hoping it brings hope to their house
and life.”

“I’m sure it will,” Jo said.

The conversation ended at that, and
Anna headed to bed feeling uneasy about both Thomas and Jo. When she climbed
into bed, Thomas already had his eyes shut. She blew out the light and remained
awake for a few more minutes, thinking. The touch from Thomas’s hand surprised
her.

“I can’t sleep well without you
next to me,” Thomas said.

“That makes me happy,” Anna said.

“I have something for you,” Thomas
said. “Tomorrow.”

“Okay,” Anna said.

She remained awake and silent for
another minute or so, gently biting her lip, wishing that Thomas would roll
towards her and take her. It had been six days since the last time they were
together, all caused by Anna’s sometimes painful reminder that she wasn’t
pregnant. But she was okay now and she wanted Thomas. The urge and thought made
her blush, even to herself, even in the dark. She wanted to feel Thomas’s large
hands touch her breasts, her body. She wanted to feel Thomas’s body against
hers, giving, taking, giving some more.

And that’s how Anna fell asleep,
only to be awakened a short time later by the sound of crying baby.

Anna’s eyes popped open and she sat
up, touching her chest, catching her breath. Admitting the dream she had just
been having felt so wrong, but since it was Thomas, it really was right.

Thomas Jr. cried some more and Anna
tiptoed across to the small nursery room where Thomas Jr. slept his naps and
evenings. He whined again and through the darkness Anna could see his small
hands and feet kicking.

After lighting a candle, Anna took
the infant into her arms and hugged him.

“It’s okay,” she whispered. “I’m
here, Thomas Jr., right here. It’s... Anna...”

Anna’s mouth ran dry.

How close had she been to saying
It’s Mother
?

She felt like she was there,
emotionally, but she wasn’t sure if Thomas was. Of course, physically she could
handle the job as Thomas Jr.’s mother with only one exception.

“Is everything okay?” another voice
whispered.

Anna saw Jo in the doorway.

“I think he’s hungry,” Anna said.

“Yeah, it’s the time I guess. He
normally doesn’t get up like this anymore.”

Anna looked down at Thomas Jr. as
she held him. He was a little fussy but not crying. His big eyes were wide
open, staring up at Anna.

“May I have him for a few minutes
alone?” Anna asked. “I’ll bring him into your room when he cries again.”

“Take your time, sweet Anna,” Jo
said. Jo stepped back then stopped. “Oh, Anna?”

“Yes?”

“I’m sorry if I just walked away
before,” Jo said. “Talking about family...”

“It’s okay,” Anna said. “Get some
more sleep.”

Anna set her attention back to
Thomas Jr. once Jo left.

“Thomas Jr.,” she whispered.

She held him in her left hand and
stroked his hair with her right hand. It was so thin and soft, coming in darker
than when she first arrived, telling Anna the infant would resemble of his
father.

“I’ll always be here,” she said to
the baby. “I will always raise you, and love you dearly. But I won’t take away
any memories you have of who birthed you. You’re far too small right now to
understand my words, but I believe you remember her. She carried you for all that
time. She nourished you. She talked to you. She loved you, Thomas Jr., and I
know that by the way your father looks at you, and at me.”

Anna blinked and felt tears rushing
to her eyes.

Thomas Jr.’s eyes started to close.
The baby tried to fight it, but as Anna gently rocked him and began to hum, he
fell back asleep.

He didn’t need to eat after all.

He just needed to be held and
spoken to... by Anna. By the woman who wanted to be his mother.

Anna continued to hold Thomas Jr.
long after he fell back asleep, cherishing each second. The playful feelings
inside her soon turned very serious, almost overwhelming. She knew then that
God had blessed her with that moment to create that special bond between parent
and child. Anna may not have carried Thomas Jr. in her womb but she would make
up for it, even if that meant holding him in the middle of the night to feel
his warm body and listen to his soft breathing.

Anna put Thomas Jr. back down and went
back to bed with Thomas, facing him as he slept on his back. She reached and
touched his cheek, drawing a line down his face and along his jaw.

She loved Thomas with all her
heart.

She loved Thomas Jr. with all her
heart too.

To Anna that may have been the very
instance when she truly became wife and mother.

Chapter Twelve

The next morning when Jo came into
the kitchen holding Thomas Jr. she smiled at Anna and asked her, “Did you feed
Thomas Jr. last night?”

Anna smiled back and shook her
head. “You know I can’t...”

“Wasn’t sure. You never woke me.
Hey, if it could happen to me, it could happen to you.”

Jo took Thomas Jr. into the dining
room. As Anna went back to preparing breakfast for her family -
her family!
- she
touched her stomach.

What made it happen to Jo? What
gave her the ability to breastfeed without carrying a child? Could it happen to
Anna?

It was too exciting of a thought
because Anna knew she’d be let down. It’d be like the men going west to
California with their eyes set on gold, thinking they’d be rich in days after
setting foot there.

Anna knew the only way she’d ever
have a chance to breastfeed a baby would be her own if she were able to get
pregnant. And that thought sucked the air out of her. Her spirits were actually
crushed by the time she served breakfast. The only things that brought life
back to her soul were watching Thomas Jr.’s big smile and seeing Thomas seated
at the head of the table, his eyes following Anna’s every move. It made her
feel that perhaps Thomas felt the same way for Anna that she felt for him.

“We have to go into town today,”
Thomas said. “To mail Anna’s letters, and I need supplies. Josephine, would you
be willing to help with Thomas Jr. during this time? Anna and I have something
to speak of.”

Anna looked at Thomas, feeling
confused. She didn’t remember needing to speak to Thomas about anything.
Unless... unless he knew about her getting up with Thomas Jr. in the middle of
the night. Did it bother him? Hurt him? Anna doubted herself, wondering if
holding the baby as long as she did would have an adverse effect on his sleeping
or feeding patterns. Anna’s appetite disappeared as she started to come to the
realization that she knew nothing of being a mother. It wasn’t just about
holding, kissing, loving. It was so much more. It was understanding the baby’s
habits. Teaching and training. Making tough decisions.

Jo had easily agreed to care for
Thomas Jr. while Thomas and Anna rode into town. But Anna wasn’t so sure she
wanted to have the alone time with her husband then. She feared him growing
angry. Somewhere in the back of her mind she felt that if one man could divorce
her, what would stop another from doing the same? All Anna could picture was
her sister receiving the letter telling her how happy she was only then to
return home a short time later, divorced and let down again. Oh, how much would
that crush Abigail?

By the time Anna climbed the
carriage and waited for Thomas to sit next to her, she had a burning feeling in
her stomach that she may never see the house, Jo, or Thomas Jr. again. It was a
silly thought to harbor, but it wouldn’t leave her alone. Even after their
journey began and Thomas sat silent for the first few minutes, the thoughts
plagued Anna.

“Thomas, I’m sorry if I messed
anything up last night.”

“What do you mean?” Thomas asked.

“With Thomas Jr..”

“I don’t understand.”

“He woke. I heard him. So I held
him and rocked him back to sleep and spoke to him. I hope that didn’t change
his sleeping pattern. Or feeding pattern. Or...”

“I didn’t even realize,” Thomas
said. His face looked drawn and defeated. “Does he get up a lot?”

“No,” Anna said. “That was the
first I heard.”

“And I didn’t hear,” Thomas
whispered. “I’m his father...”

“You were tired,” Anna said. “I was
there. And Jo.”

“But you took care of it,” Thomas
said. He looked at Anna. “Like a mother would. And should.”

“Yes,” Anna said.

“What did you say to him? To Thomas
Jr.?”

Anna swallowed. She didn’t want to
lie to her husband. No matter what.

“I told him how I love him. How
I... how I love you, Thomas. How I want to be his mother but I’ll never let him
forget who birthed him.”

“You mean that?” Thomas asked.

“Of course I do! I would never push
someone else away. Just because she’s not here doesn’t mean she’s not here...
does that make sense?”

Thomas didn’t respond. He tugged on
the reigns and the horse pulling the carriage came to a slow stop. When Thomas
looked at Anna, she saw his eyes were glazed over. Ready to spill tears.

“How did I get so lucky in my life?
Twice at that?”

“You deserve it,” Anna said.

“Oh, my Anna,” Thomas said. He
touched Anna’s cheek. “You’re such a beautiful woman. A perfect woman. And I
said I had something for you today, and I do.”

“You don’t have to give me
anything,” Anna said. “I have all I need.”

“No, you need the truth,” Thomas
said. “Anna, I’m going to tell you about my wife.”

The words struck Anna like a
blistering cold Massachusetts wind in the dead of January. It crippled her for
a few seconds.

“You don’t have to,” Anna said.

Thomas ordered the horse to move
again. “I want to. I read your letters, Anna. You’re worried that you’ll have
to be her. That’s terribly wrong. I would never want someone to be Rachel. She
was her own woman, she was here, and now she resides with God. That’s my
reality I face.”

“You’re not alone in that reality,”
Anna said.

“I know I’m not.”

“May I ask questions?”

“Please do.”

“What did she look like?”

“She was tall and beautiful, Anna.
She had dark hair that ran past her shoulders in a brilliant way. Dark eyes,
long fingers, a gentle touch and heart to match. I met her right after settling
here. I purposely would go to town for supplies I didn’t need just to have a
chance to see her. She was here for a short stay and left. It crushed me. I
spent an entire year working outside trying to bury the lonely feeling only to
go into town one day to get mail and find her there, looking for me.”

“That’s such a beautiful story,”
Anna said.

Much
more beautiful than meeting a woman in a letter...

“The rest I’m sure you can
understand.”

“May I ask where everything
happened?” Anna asked.

“If you’re wondering about the bed,
it didn’t happen there. You see, Rachel woke one morning with terrible pains in
her stomach. I feared for her and the baby. We rushed to town and she went to
the local doctor’s house to be checked. I was told I’d be a father very
shortly. It was all too exciting until I heard the sound of Thomas Jr. crying
and didn’t hear the sound of Rachel crying or celebrating. She... she just
didn’t make it. Too much bleeding is what the doctor told me.”

“Thomas, you don’t have to...”

“I do,” Thomas said. “I do.” He
paused for a few seconds. The only sound was the  wheels of carriage crushing
small stones into dirt beneath them. “I held her long before I held my son. The
doctor thankfully rushed to find Josephine, who quite honestly saved my son’s
life. And mine too in so many ways. I held Rachel for hours and then I had to
make all the necessary arrangements for her burial. With that, I was left with
a child to raise.”

“I’m so happy Jo was there for
you,” Anna said. “If you weren’t here, Thomas, I’d... I’d be lost.”

“Anna, I’ve never felt the way I do
right now,” Thomas said.

The town came into view. Anna knew
there wasn’t much time left for their conversation.

“There’s a feeling I’ve been
fighting,” Thomas said. “I look at you and everything keeps changing, for the
better. I don’t know how to let her go and not lose her forever.”

“You have Thomas Jr.,” Anna said.
“That’s God’s way of making sure she’s present everyday in your life.”

“I want you to mother Thomas Jr.,”
Thomas said. “Without worry or remorse.”

“If you want that, I’ll do it.”

They came to a stop a few minutes
later at which point Thomas took Anna by her hand. Anna could sense something
happening, she just didn’t know what.

“Anna, I have something to say,”
Thomas said.

“Please,” Anna replied.

“You’re not just my wife. I love
you, Anna.”

Such an important thing for Thomas
to say as he stepped down from the carriage. Anna could barely think straight. Walking
through town, as husband and wife, Thomas slipped his hand into Anna’s. Anna
couldn’t help but notice how Thomas nodded to everyone, said his
hello
s
and
goodbye
s
to everyone he
spoke with. At the post office, Anna took out the leftover money from Thomas to
pay for the postage but Thomas refused. He insisted on paying. Perhaps it was
his way of entering her family too. Anna knew she’d never see her family again
- and that included Mary, which sadly did hurt her - but the gesture from
Thomas meant the world to her.