What a Mother Knows (32 page)

It was in the card all along:
Hello, Mother. I feel awful about what happened. But I can't see you like this. I hope you understand. Love, me.

Michelle wiped her daughter's tears. “I'm sorry too—about Noah.”

“No one is innocent here. Except…” Nikki pointed at Noelle. “I want her to grow up away from all the fuss. When the legal stuff is settled, Laura can set up a trust and Noelle will be safe.” They watched as the little girl climbed up on the picnic table and plunged her hands in the cake.

Laura laughed and braced Noelle from a fall, then leaned in to give her a kiss. I would do anything to protect that child. She hadn't been referring to Noah on the witness stand. She meant his daughter, Noelle. That turtle postcard was left exposed in her drawer at the office on purpose. She wanted to lure Michelle off the trail. But it was also a gift of hope.

Michelle watched Elyse turn off the hose and run to stop Noelle. She picked up a birthday napkin and tried to wipe Noelle's face, then gave up and wiped frosting off her white pantsuit. “So she wore your scarf to the trial on purpose? That explains why her outfit didn't match.”

Nikki giggled in agreement.

Michelle smiled and turned back to her. “But what if I hadn't recognized that yarn? What if I hadn't understood the message?”

Nikki stopped giggling. “Then I would know for sure that the mother I knew was gone. Losing Noah was bad enough. But losing you?”

She could no longer speak for crying. Michelle took her in her arms, both arms, and held her close.

After a moment, Nikki spoke up. “Will you help me call Daddy later? She was—an accident. But I need him to understand.”

“Of course,” Michelle murmured. There was no such thing as an accident.

Elyse's exasperated voice rang out from the porch as she passed plates out to the other children. “Nikki, it's time to cut what's left of the cake!”

Nikki giggled again and wiped her tears as she pulled away. She looped her arm around Michelle's waist and led her toward the deck. “Would you like a piece? It's chocolate.”

“I love chocolate,” Michelle said.

“I know,” Nikki replied. She skipped up the stairs to do the honors.

Michelle set the tiny painted doll on the wooden railing. She was tempted to line up all five of them, but there was no need; they were all here. Elyse lit the candle, and they sang the birthday song. Nikki's voice was full with forgiveness and regret, hopes and dreams, and all the plans that paled in the light of the moon.

Michelle plucked a dandelion. She waved it around until the cottony seeds drifted like fluffy parachutes to the ground. They dotted the summer rye rolling down the hill to the creek that connected to the river beyond. Michelle thought of the blue lines on the map, how they connected the dots of the cities she searched in, the states that separated them, the oceans she swam in her dreams. Not one of them was alone for a moment, not on this tiny ball of Earth spinning below the heavens, sparkling with stars like a mirrored ball.

It was a wonder she didn't fall off.

1.
This story takes place in Hollywood, the origin of our celebrity culture. Michelle loves her work, yet keeps her children “as far away as possible.” Do you think this is a realistic objective?

2.
Michelle has compromised her career for her family and her family for her career. Are women wrong to want to have it all? Do you think women
can
have it all?

3.
If parents experimented with drugs at some point in their life, should they share this information with their children? How do you think this could affect their relationship with their children?

4.
Michelle was worried that Nikki was suicidal. Do you believe that suicide is prompted by mental illness or is a deliberate act? Is it preventable?

5.
Why was it so hard for Michelle to forgive her mother? How did Michelle's history with her mother influence her when it came to being a mother to Nikki?

6.
Michelle's hopes for her daughter changed from wanting her to be wildly successful to just wanting her to be happy. How do you think this compares with other parents? Do you think she was wrong?

7.
Why did the author include Michelle's run-in at the DMV with a “perfect mother” whose tennis champ son became a junkie?

8.
When Michelle wonders who she is without her daughter, she is talking about a large part of her identity. How do you think our identities are linked to our familial relationships?

9.
Becca knows that the reason Michelle can't reach her friend Sasha is because Sasha is with Michelle's husband. Is she being a good friend by not telling her—or a bad one? What would you do?

10.
How were Julie and Cathy both allies to Michelle? How did they also hurt her?

11.
Many parents travel for business, but the film business is known for location affairs. How does this change the character of the mothers at home? Do you think it contributed to the weakening of Michelle's marriage?

12.
When Michelle says she “couldn't afford to miss” Drew, what did she mean?

13.
Why did Dr. Palmer value the very qualities in Michelle that threatened Drew?

14.
Lexi notes that Michelle finds it “easier to blame” herself than to accept all the things that are out of her control. Why is this true for Michelle? Have you ever felt this way?

15.
Elyse tells Michelle that Nikki is “a mystery,” but she offers hints as to her whereabouts. Why doesn't she tell Michelle the truth?

16.
The mothers in this story—Michelle, Elyse, Julie, Cathy, and Noah's mother—all took unethical actions to protect their families. What do these women have in common? How do they differ?

17.
Do you believe what Elyse says, that “there are no accidents”?

18.
How did Michelle's relationship with her son end up being the turning point in her testimony?

19.
What is Michelle's true need? How is it different from her desire in this story? How are they related?

20.
When Nikki ran away, the places where she spent time tended to be places where her family had vacationed. What does this say about Nikki?

21.
Noah's mother was Jewish but worked at a Catholic hospital. What does this tell us about her character, and how is it reflected later by her actions?

22.
How do the symbols of the turtle and the starfish represent Michelle's character growth?

23.
Cake is a symbol that even the author was unaware of until the story was complete. The confection is featured at both the beginning, the end, and in a different but significant event in the middle. Why does cake enhance such moments?

24.
Which character do you most identify with and why?

25.
How far would you go to protect your child?

Thanks to Mollie Glick, for believing in this story from its dark beginning, and to her excellent assistant, Kathleen Hamblin, as well as Stephanie Abou and Rachel Hecht at Foundry Literary & Media. Thanks to my insightful editor, Shana Drehs, and the rest of the team at Sourcebooks, including Beth Pehlke, Heather Hall, Danielle Jackson, Valerie Pierce, and Nicole Villeneuve.

A big hug for my brilliant husband, John Truby, who pointed out the detective story beneath my fancy prose. I'm so lucky to have found someone who enjoys discussing the possibilities of a single sentence as much as I do.

Medical expertise was provided by Dr. Robert M. Bilder, Ph.D., Tennenbaum Professor of Psychiatry and Biobehavioral Sciences and Psychology at UCLA's Semel Institute—whose full title is so much longer that I'm honored he found time to help. Legal aspects were honed by the real Kenneth Kazan, an attorney far more sophisticated than the fictional character on these pages. Any medical or legal mistakes that remain are mine.

A special note of appreciation goes to my aunt, Edith Amsterdam, the true proprietor of the fabulous Curry Mansion in Key West, Florida. Scenes in Santa Monica and Maui evolved from work with Nancy Zafris and Jim Krusoe of the MFA program at Antioch University.

Thanks to my readers who were game from the first draft: my sister Tracy Lehr, who will appreciate the angst even more when her girls are teenagers; the real Cathy Kazan, a friend since our daughters were in preschool and who is far hotter than her fictional counterpart; Janet Orloff, who also served as my psychology expert; Karen J. Rinehart, Sandwich Generation blogger; and the real Michelle M., the hairstylist who made me feel so pretty at my wedding that her name became a touchstone.

This story was inspired by love for my sweet daughters, Juliette and Catherine Spirson, and serves as an ode to my mother, Dr. Claire Lehr.

Finally, I'm grateful to everyone who understands how our children's happiness is often the key to our own.

Megan Stark Photography

Leslie Lehr is the award-winning author of the novels
66 Laps
and
Wife
Goes
On
, and humorous parenting books including
Welcome
to
Club
Mom
. Her essays have appeared in the anthology
Mommy
Wars
,
The
Honeymoon's Over
, and Arianna Huffington's
On
Becoming
Fearless
. She was the screenwriter for the romantic thriller
Heartless
and sold the script
Club
Divorce
to Lifetime. She has a BA from the USC School of Cinematic Arts and an MFA from Antioch. She has two daughters and lives with her husband in Santa Monica.

Please visit Leslie at
www.leslielehr.com
.