What Do You Do With a Chocolate Jesus? (11 page)

The Sermon on the Mount continues, and it has Jesus weighing in on a range of practical issues. Among them is money. One of the more twisted developments of modern Christianity, at least in the U.S., is that Jesus has become a hero of free market conservatives. Somehow, this penniless preacher has been morphed into a deregulating, laissez faire investment banker.

Personally, I have no problem with the free market so long as it’s understood to be a human contrivance and not holy writ. But capitalism is about material gain—how to make stuff, how to acquire stuff, how to get people to produce more stuff using less stuff so they end up with more stuff. No wonder economists are stuffy. But not Jesus; he didn’t care much about stuff:

“No one can serve two masters…You cannot serve God and mammon.” [Matt. 6:24, Luke 16:13]

 

Trinity Broadcasting and a lot of free market fundamentalists seem to have forgotten this. They raise oodles of mammon pitching God’s 800-number for contributions. Archangels are standing by.

“…it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.” [Matt. 19:24, Mark 10:25, Luke 18:25]

 

Not really Rupert Murdoch’s motto, is it? The Gospels make a clear point—the same one Plato made centuries earlier: “It is impossible for an exceptionally good man to be exceptionally rich.” Of course, lots of for-profit pastors and evangelical entrepreneurs are willing to give it a try.

“…woe to you who are rich, for you have already received your comfort.” [Luke 6:24]

 

I wonder if this makes the pope nervous? Here’s a guy who can fly to some destitute country, preach the virtue of renouncing worldly wealth, then rise up from his throne, gather his satin robes, ride off in his popemobile, and wing his way home on a personal jet to a palatial estate whose interior decorators included Bernini and Michelangelo.

When Pope John Paul II passed away in 2005, his funeral was attended by the world media, half the U.N., and enough cardinals in flowing robes to make Vatican City look like a gay wedding cake. But when they laid the pontiff to rest, he was placed in a simple pine box because he was a “humble man,” and we wouldn’t want the event to look
ostentatious
now, would we? It seems clear that, if popes lived a little less like Caesar and a little more like Christ, they’d be easier to take seriously about the virtues of salvation over material greed.

Of course, a lot of people who vote traditional values don’t pay much attention to what Jesus says about money, and for good reason. It’s kind of depressing:

“Sell all that you own and distribute the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven.” [Matt. 19:21, Mark 10:21, Luke 18:22]

 

Hmm… Sounds like socialism. Think you’ll see this in the Republican Party platform any time soon?

“…if any one should sue you and take your coat, let him have your cloak as well…” [Matt. 5:40]

 

It sounds like Jesus is giving legal advice. Bad legal advice. Give the guy who’s suing you
more
than what he’s asking for? Actually, the word “sue” in this case is taken to mean “beg” or “ask.” So, if someone asks for a buck, give him two. It’s a generous attitude, but hardly that of the economic do-it-yourselfer. You start to see why it’s hard to be a genuine Christian in the modern world. It’s not just because you can’t curse or go bed-hopping. It’s because you have to live by rules like this:

“…lend, expecting nothing in return; and your reward will be great…” [Luke 6:35]

 

And there goes the banking industry.

“Give to him who begs from you, and do not refuse him who would borrow from you.” [Matt. 5:42]

 

When it comes to money, Jesus is more Dalai Lama than Adam Smith. Nowhere does he extol hard work, private property, personal ambition, wealth creation, efficiency, investment, or saving for the future. Quite the contrary:

“…do not be anxious about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink, nor about your body, what you shall put on…Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap…and yet your heavenly Father feeds them…Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin…” [Matt. 6:25–29]

 

I had a roommate like this. He neither toiled nor spun. He never did anything—though the father that fed him wasn’t in heaven. He was in St. Louis paying his credit card bills. Jesus’ model citizen doesn’t sound like a visionary planner with the industrious drive of the capitalist. He sounds like a ne’er-do-well. And as for the birds—of course they neither sow nor reap. They eat worms and sleep in trees. Naked. Is this part of your retirement plan?

Jesus continues, sounding vaguely like Scarlet O’Hara:

“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself.” [Matt. 6:34]

 

He comes off as totally unconcerned with wealth, work, or even planning ahead, because ultimately none of it counts. He promises the
meek
shall inherit the earth, not the hucksters, the stock traders, or the Baptist P.T. Barnums running tax-free theme parks. Money isn’t important. In fact, it’s kind of bad.

There are few, however, who take this advice literally. Most people give themselves a lot of interpretive leeway when it comes to Jesus and money. And those who take him literally don’t end up trading on Wall Street or praying with the power elite in “The Family” on C Street. Monks live in communes, not penthouses. Nuns take a vow of poverty, they don’t pledge a monthly sales quota. When the salvation-happy Pilgrims landed in the New World, they didn’t even acknowledge private property at first. Everyone worked for the collective and the church leaders decided who got what—from each according to his abilities and to each according to his needs. Does that sound like capitalism to you?

Of course, these groups were the exception. Historically, most churches had no objection to accumulating art, gold, jewels, or land, even as they venerated a man who rebuked the cult of money. Kind of a bait-and-switch. Or just hypocrisy.

Even industry-worshipping philosophers like Ayn Rand, whose birth certificate probably paid dividends, have pointed out how absurd it is to try and reconcile Christianity with capitalism. Here’s just a sliver of what the godmother of supply side economics wrote about altruism and the spirit of giving vs. the profit motive:

“Capitalism and altruism are incompatible; they are philosophical opposites; they cannot exist in the same man or in the same society.”

 

Jesus seemed to agree.

“Do not lay up for yourself treasures on earth…but lay up for yourself treasures in heaven.” [Matt. 6:19–20]

 

In other words, don’t sweat about money. There’s no toll for getting through the gates of heaven. At least, they don’t want cash.

Jesus on Justice

Another area where Jesus seems at odds with today’s conservative Christians is law and order. They’re both supposed to be tough on crime, right? Well, here’s the way Matthew has Jesus handling bad guys:

“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, do not resist one who is evil. But if anyone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also…” [Matt. 5:38–39]

 

Scholars point out that this isn’t just about letting somebody slug you. When a person slaps your face, they usually do it forehand. By turning your cheek, you force the offender to backhand you—a despicably weak act. It’s how a brute strikes a woman or a cruel master his slave. It turns the offender from a person of power into a slime bag. Unfortunately, it still means you get smacked in the kisser, twice, while the other guy keeps all his teeth. And that’s a problem because some people don’t realize that they’re slime bags.

But Jesus knows that violence begets violence. Retaliation has been the standard response to injury since we started clobbering each other around black monoliths.
Not
responding to an attack and letting God handle the punishment is what frees you from this vicious circle, even if it doesn’t free you from a broken jaw.

According to
Matthew 5:38
, Christians are not supposed to fight evil. They’re not even supposed to
resist
one who is evil. By rejecting “eye for an eye,” Jesus rejects vengeance-based justice, and that includes capital punishment. Your job is to be good; it’s not to punish evil. Punishment requires passing
judgment
, and you’re supposed to leave that up to God:

“Judge not, that you shall not be judged.” [Matt 7:1]

 

Following this rule is tougher than you think. Never judge
anyone?
How would you decide who to hire, or convict, or marry, or vote for? What would Simon Cowell do for a living?

Then there’s another interesting rule, which Jesus tells a crowd in Jerusalem when they want to stone a prostitute as the law prescribes:

“Let him who is without sin among you cast the first stone.” [John 8:7]

 

By this standard, only Jesus or Mary could execute anyone, which means there really can’t be any executions. Which seems to be the point. Jesus appears to want a world
without
executions. Judgment is coming
soon
and God can dish out the punishment without any human assistance, thank you very much.

To execute someone, even if they deserve it, isn’t taking Jesus’ advice—which is to walk the straight and narrow and never you mind making judgments about life and death. That’s God’s job. Even a skeptic can understand this.

Ironically, many of the folks who purport to take the New Testament literally have a hard time sticking by this revolutionary rule. They
love
to judge, despite the clear example in Scripture of how dangerous this can be. Jesus himself was wrongly judged, and executed, and he didn’t lift a finger to save himself. Instead, he stuck to his principles and took it like a savior. Aren’t his followers supposed to emulate him?

We sometimes hear that Christians can avoid judging if they “love the sinner and hate only the sin.” But the folks who say this don’t often distinguish between the two. Case in point: Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky. You’re telling me evangelicals actually loved President Bubba and only hated the blow job?

Jesus wasn’t the first to come up with this idea, by the way. Four centuries earlier, Socrates said, “So, we should never take revenge and never hurt anyone, even if we have been hurt.” He goes on to say, “It is never right to do wrong and never right to take revenge…” Sadly, neither Jesus nor Socrates is on the Texas State Supreme Court.

Jesus on War

Avoiding evil is Christian. Fighting evil is not. Even as Jesus is arrested, one of his followers pulls out a sword to defend him, and Jesus says:

“Put your sword in its place, for all who take up the sword will perish by the sword.” [Matt. 26:52]

 

Not exactly
“Bring it on!”
is it? Jesus’ attitude toward war has been tremendously unpopular over the centuries because it doesn’t satisfy our bloodlust, nor does it get rid of the bastards who keep bothering us. So, we ignore it. Countries buy weapons and make war in the name of Christian values all the time.

And please don’t haul up passages like
Matthew 10:34:

“Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.”

 

Here, it’s
Jesus
wielding the sword, not you. He’s the Son of God; it’s his job to pass judgment. The Lord never said, “Vengeance is
ours
.” The sword is an instrument of divine justice, not human law enforcement.

In one other passage,
Luke 22:36
, Jesus recommends that his disciples buy a sword before he sends them out to evangelize. Apparently he anticipated how people might react to strangers at their door wanting to talk about the Lord. Maybe a little insurance was in order. But it’s not as if he sent them out on a military campaign. He doesn’t say, “Blessed are the sharpshooters,” despite what the NRA might think. Jesus was not about killing, even the bad guys, and that drives us absolutely crazy. How do you deal with a guy who says stuff like this: