What Endures (33 page)

“We lost sight of something in the past few months.” She smiled slightly. “You’re still recovering. I mean physically you’re fine, better than fine, but mentally and emotionally, you still have things that you need to figure out.” She paused. “And you need to do that. On your own.” She felt him draw back at her words. “Jason-“

“Where are you going to take off to now?” His voice was distant, and his expression impassive.

She fought against her initial reaction to him, reminding herself that she needed to do something here. It was vital, not only for Jason, but for them as well. So she would do it, no matter how hard it was. “Running in circles.” He looked up at her, his expression curious for a brief, passing instant. “That’s what we’re doing. It’s funny really. Here we are, in this weird, crazy, and completely uncharted territory, but we still have the same problems and issues. Only it seems like we switched places.” She expelled a soft breath. “When we were married, I wasn’t sure of who I was. I doubted myself a lot back then. I wasn’t sure who Megan Williams was because I was either the poor little orphan girl, or Tyler’s best friend, or the smart geeky girl in school, or your wife. And when those things started to either fade or collapse, I was left with a lot of doubts and insecurities and look at how that affected us.”

“Now you’re where I was, but probably worse. You have to figure out who you are. Now, after the accident and memory loss.” She reached out and touched his hand gently, drawing his attention fully to her. “You said something that struck me the other day. You think of yourself before the accident as this other person. If you really think of it that way, then you have to figure out who the person you are now is, Jason. Because unless you do that, no matter what happens between us, we’re going to end up in the same place.” She smiled wryly. “That’s the only upside of running in circles, you know where you’ll end up eventually.“There’s so much for you to figure out. Not only baseball, but your parents, your friends. What interests you now, what your dreams are.” She sighed. “Me.”

He made eye contact but quickly looked away. Again, she fought against her initial gut reaction. It did make things harder, but she reminded herself of her conversation with Tyler. She had to take this risk. Because ultimately, she knew that Tyler was right. There were things worth fighting for, things that were unbearably hard at times, but the rewards were more than worth the struggle. But to do so, she had to follow her heart, even if it meant that she had to expose herself completely. She had to risk everything. Because she knew that she would regret this. If she didn’t do this now, this would probably be the thing that would finally and permanently etch a deep, abiding sadness into her very soul.

Besides, it was her turn. Since her conversation with Tyler, and after hours of contemplation, she had realized that in the course of their relationship, Jason had been the one who had taken the risks, and who had really fought for them. He was the one who had kissed her, which had started them on this incredible journey. He had risked his heart by telling her he loved her and had expected nothing in return. He was the one who had proposed marriage. He was the one who had taken the first step in their reconciliation. And even after his accident, he was still the one who took the risks. He followed her here. He wanted to start things new.

If she really wanted to change course, to stop running in the same circles, then she had to take the risk this time. She had to be the one to put herself out there. Completely open and vulnerable.

She had to be the fighter, the believer and the risk-taker now.

“I love you.” Her voice was soft, but strong. Certain. His eyes jerked toward her, shock and surprise dancing across them. “I always have. I’ve loved you since I was 16 and I have never stopped. Not through our divorce, or your accident.” She touched his cheek softly. "Not ever."

His eyes darkened as he let that sink in, and she knew that he understood what she meant because if her words weren’t clear, then her feelings were, because she was letting them show freely now. And Jason had always been adept at reading her.

“I didn’t know this back then, but I know it now, and I want to remind you of it,” she continued, her gaze commanding his own. There was no shield in place now. There was nothing between them but what she felt. It was scary, but it was also liberating. She knew that no matter what, when she looked back on this, she would never regret this, never wonder ‘what if,’ and that wasn't something that happened a lot in life, with its unpredictability. “Us being together is not an ‘either or’ deal. It’s not me or your family. Or me or baseball. Or me or anything else. It’s just me.”

“If you never want to play baseball again, then that doesn’t affect how I feel about you. And it won’t affect anything else either. You’re set.  Money-wise, you’re set. All your contracts are guaranteed and everything else - the houses, the cars, everything - it’s taken care of. So you need to make that decision for yourself. Just you alone.”

“That goes for your family and anything else.” She smiled slightly. “You’re right, your father and I have a difficult relationship, but if you want to get to know him again, then that doesn’t affect how I feel about you. You have to make that decision for yourself. Just for you.”

She could feel the tears welling up behind her eyes, but her voice remained steady. “And if you decide that you don’t want a relationship with me, then. . ." She paused, pushing back the sob, because she wasn't going to break down now. Now, she needed to be strong. "If that's what you want, then that’s fine too. Because I love you enough to want you to be happy, with or without me." She felt a tear escape and run down her cheek but her expression remained unwavering. “When you were in a coma, all I wanted was for you to be OK. I mean completely and utterly OK. I still want that. If that means we can't be together, then. . .”

“You don’t owe me anything, Jason. But you owe yourself the chance to get well, completely well. The only way you can do that is if you figure these things out.” She smiled despite the tears now trickling down her face. “Don’t get me wrong, this is actually hurting like hell, but I know that in the end, if you’re well and happy, then things are exactly what they should be.”

“Megan. . .”

“And this may seem like really lousy timing but I, um, I’m headed back to Seattle later today. I’ve decided to go ahead with the camp.” She held up a hand. “Don’t worry, you still don’t have to do anything, not unless you want to. I should be back in about two weeks. If you need anything, you can call. . .or not.” She caressed his cheek tenderly.  “I’m here. Whatever you need, I’m here.”

They sat there, green eyes swirling with emotions locked onto hazel, teary ones. Neither moved or said anything for long moments. Finally, she leaned over and hugged him, trying to put all her emotions into that embrace. She closed her eyes, trying to memorize every detail of that moment, wondering if it would be the last time she’d be that close to him. She let her hand linger in his hair, as she pressed her cheek against him, inhaling the scent of him, and savoring the feel of his body against hers.

She felt his arms come around her waist to return her embrace and for a second, she allowed herself to melt into his arms, and get lost in the feeling of being held by him. And then, ruthlessly, she forced herself to pull back. She smiled gently at him before she stood up and retrieved her bag from the table.

“I’ll see you.” She gave him one last smile before she walked back inside. It wasn’t until she was outside by her car that everything hit her and she felt herself begin to shake. But even then, she knew that she had done the right thing. She had risked it all and no matter what, it was worth it.

Love was worth it.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

July. . .

“Jason?”

He turned around, surprised to find her standing there, looking at him questioningly. “Hey.”

“Hey.” She squinted in the early morning sun. “I, uh, didn’t expect to see you here.”

“Yeah,” he said softly before silence descended between them as it did so often these days. Where they used to be able to talk to each other, almost effortlessly, a chasm now existed. One that seemingly couldn’t be bridged.

After a few seconds had passed, she moved over to join him by the bleachers. “What are you doing here?”

He continued to stare out at the field.  In the winter, the grass turned a greenish brown and the trees around it became naked branches. The few pine trees stayed green, but it didn't have the same vibrant green luster it did in the spring and summer. But late spring, as it was now, was the best time because the trees had fully bloomed, and everything looked and smelled like new life. It was also when baseball season began, and up until then, had been his favorite time of the year. Today, however, he preferred the gray bleakness of the winter. “I’m leaving.”

He hadn't meant to blurt it out like that but there really was no way to lead up to this. He felt her reaction before she even said anything. “T-today?”

He nodded, still not facing her, although he could feel her eyes boring into him. “I, uh, was going to stop by the store to. . . .” His voice trailed off. To what? Say goodbye? Hadn’t they already done that? But still, he knew that neither would leave Harbor Bay without seeing the other first. Divorced or not.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw her turn back to look at the field. “Good thing I ran into you here then. I wasn’t planning on going into the store today.”

“Why not?” he asked. It was nice, these moments. When he didn’t have to struggle to find the words. When his response was dictated by the natural flow of a conversation. And it was so rare these days, for them to have a conversation, much less one that flowed naturally. Still, in these small, fleeting moments, it gave him a glimpse of what used to be. It gave his heart a shred of hope that things hadn’t been irreparably damaged between them.

She turned then, and he felt compelled to meet her gaze. “I'm cutting back my hours so I can focus on school. I'm going to take summer classes to catch up.”

“That's great. You'll do awesome.” He stopped, searching for the words again.

“So will you,” she whispered. "Florida State is a great school."

They stared at each other, all that had happened passing between them, and both had to look away. Their wounds still too fresh, too painful. “Yeah.”

He had never imagined that after completing his rehab in record time that he would get an offer to transfer to Florida State. What he really couldn’t imagine, however, was starting his baseball career without Megan, to live his life without her in it. Since they had met on this field two years ago, he had always pictured her by his side, so going off to follow his ‘dream’ without her felt strange and unnatural.  It wasn't how things were supposed to be.

Again, silence descended between them. And for the umpteenth time since they had split, he couldn’t help but wonder how they had ever reached this point.

You remember, that voice in his head told him.

“Megan, I-“

“How come-“ she began at the same time.

They both stopped and smiled awkwardly. “Go ahead,” he prompted.

She looked at him a beat before turning back toward the water. “How come you’re leaving today? School doesn’t begin until August.”

“The coaches wanted me to finish the last of my rehab there so the team doctors and PT specialists could monitor me better.”

“Oh.” She stared at the ground, her expression not yielding anything. Still, he tried to get a read on her. He used to be able to do that so well, almost instinctively. But now, it felt like he read her all wrong. “That sounds great.”

“Yeah.” He sighed. “Listen, Megan, I. . .”

She turned and faced him. “What?”

He stared down into those big, expressive hazel eyes of hers. Eyes that used to light up with such love and joy upon seeing him, but now seemed permanently clouded over with guilt and sadness. He felt his heart constrict before his defenses went up and what he wanted to say quickly slipped away from him. Besides, this was what she wanted, he told himself. This was all that he could give her now. “I. . .it’s nothing.”

She searched his face, before she nodded and looked away. “Yeah.”

He sighed softly, once again wondering how they had ever gotten here. From that first meeting where she had displayed her toughness and vulnerability, he had been helpless to do anything but follow her on their incredible journey. But he would never have predicted that they would be standing here today, more distance between them now than had existed back then.

She cleared her throat, drawing his attention back to her. “I should go. I’m. . .” She stopped and smiled, or at least she tried to but her smile looked more like a grimace. “Have a safe trip. Good luck with college, and baseball.” She sighed, looking down. “Everything.”

He felt his defenses begin to slip away. It was so easy around her. Still, and in spite of everything. His defense mechanisms protected his heart, something that was born of necessity, given who his parents were.  But around Megan, his heart never felt the need to be protected. It felt safe.

And a part of it felt that way now. Still, in spite of everything.

“You too, Megan,” he said softly, seeking to meet her eyes. Finally, she looked up and their eyes locked, and for that instant, it was as it should be. No hurt or guilt between them. Just what was always there, what he could still feel was there, but was now buried under too many things left unsaid, and issues seemingly too difficult to resolve.

She nodded before she moved to turn away, but stopped suddenly. “Jason?” He looked at her questioningly. “You know that I. . ..” She stopped and looked down for a second before looking back up at him. “I want what’s best for you. That’s all I ever wanted and I. . .” Her voice cracked and she bit her lip and looked back down.